To Me, With Love

Dear Me,
(in a soothing, nurturing voice) Why do you keep doing this to yourself? You know numbing with food won't make you feel better.
Why do you keep eating sweets, so many sweets?
Why do you keep losing sight of your goals?
Yes, dear, it is the holiday season... but it was also during the holiday season just a few years ago that you decided to take back your life. Do you remember the night you sat down and really looked at things?
Do you remember how you sat down, so focused for hours, working on a plan to bring health back to the forefront of your life?
You worked so hard.

(in tears, with sadness) I know. I worked so hard.
I'm scared. I'm scared now.
I'm tired of feeling uncomfortable in my clothes. I'm tired of my body feeling bloated and uncomfortable all the time.
I'm tired of my clothes not fitting right, or not fitting at all.
I want to go back.
I'm just so tired all the time.

(with tenderness and compassion) I know you are. I know. You are doing your best right now. Of course you are. This is hard work. You knew this would be a lifelong battle. You can do this.

(a few tears still, but determination rising up) I can do this. I know I can. I did it before and discovered how strong I am. I can get back to where I feel good. To where I feel healthy. To where I feel strong. Vibrant. Beautiful. Alive. I want to feel alive again!
Sugar doesn't do that. Sugar makes my body hurt. Sugar makes my body uncomfortable. Sugar tastes good in the moment. It's addicting, oh so addicting.
But I'm tired of the muffin top. I'm tired of my boobs popping out of the top of my bra. I'm tired of achy knees. I'm tired of feeling gassy and bloated.

(with more confidence now, tears drying) I need reminders of the positives and negatives. What I want and what I don't like feeling. I need to break this addiction. I can do this!
What I don't want:

• feeling gassy and bloated
• achy joints and knees
• feeling tired and worn out
• muffin tops
• breakouts on my chin

What I do want:

• my clothes to fit right
• energy
• feeling healthy, vibrant, alive, beautiful
• fitness, flexibility, freedom (not to eat anything I want but to do the things I love most)

I'm sick and tired of doing this to myself over and over and over...! I want to end this cycle. I want to pave new patterns for a healthier life, a healthier me. I want a life with self-control and freedom. I want a life with balance. 

....balance is still something I'm struggling with. I may not have it quite yet, but I'm getting there. I can do this. 

(lovingly) Oh dear, you can do this. It's not an easy road ahead of you, but you already have everything you need. (I'm sort of my own Glinda the good witch here.)

(with gratitude) Yes, I can do this. I will do this. I'm going to make a plan for tomorrow. 

Tomorrow, not to punish myself, but because I love myself, I'm going to only eat things I pack. Yogurt, fruit, and granola for breakfast. A banana for morning snack. Bean soup and clementines for lunch. And for afternoon snack some cottage cheese with fruit. And a quick dinner at home of enchilada casserole/soup. (It turned out a little runny, I'll have to ask Grandma P what I need to do differently next time.)

No pizza hot lunch for me, not because I can't, but because I know what the bread and fatty toppings will make my body feel like and I don't want that. And because I know that right now it's hard to stop at just one, so I'm not even going to start. This is an act of love towards myself.

One day at a time. One moment at a time. You got this.

I got this!

Note to Self

This song causes me to stop and think. Usually the first thing I think of is dancing; I like the strong beat and it makes me want to move. The second thing I thought of today is: what would I say?

I really agree with the part of the song about how the choices I've made are what has made me who I am today. I've pretty much always agreed with that statement. Would I want to change who I am? Of course there's some areas of life where I'd like to smooth things out so that the lessons aren't so painful, but as any teacher or parent will tell you, sometimes kids have to learn the hard way. The struggle makes us stronger if we persevere through it so I wouldn't want to take away the lessons that have shaped who I am today. There are some lesson, though, which I wish I wouldn't keep repeating, that I would learn sooner. Or lessons that I wish I had learned younger.

I was just telling a friend the other day that I wish I had done more dating when I was younger. I wasn't interested in dating until my recent adult years and there are some painful lessons I wish I would have learned at a younger age. I believe it might make it easier for me to "bounce back" as an adult, if I'd learned some of this at a younger age. But maybe that's just my personality that will always feel things deeply; since we can't go back and change the past I'll never know.

Even now there's some things I wish I could go back a few months or even a year to tell myself. But would changing or knowing that one little things affect other areas around it? Would it alter other events? I don't know. But I can give my future self some words of wisdom....

Dear Future Me:
- Don't beat myself up.
- Extend compassion and forgiveness to myself and others.
- If a man doesn't want the whole package then it's ok to move on.
- I am amazing (even if I'm the only one who sees it sometimes).
- Listen to my body and my intuition.
- Feel my feelings, but don't get stuck in them.
- Trust God. Talk to Him regularly and read His Word.