Done

I was in love.

But he broke my heart.

Again.

No, he didn't travel for work anymore. But maybe I can come up there where he is for a visit. ....maybe, but I have several commitments in town this summer, then school resumes so I didn't know when I can travel.

Yes, he's changed; he puts family before work. ...he has a 1 year old daughter. She needs him to be there. He adoress her.

Wait...we were dating two years ago. Long-distance, but still. Then we drifted apart because he got busy at work and stopped communicating with me. So he went from me, to another woman, and got her pregnant within a couple months. ...and then they split shortly before his daughter was born. This is not looking good for him.

But I have him another chance. He said a lot of things I wanted to hear.

And sometimes he said nothing at all, even though he said he'd call.

And when I finally said something about it, because it felt like what happened last time, all I got was excuses. He's got his daughter. He's got to catch up on work. He can't travel.

Fine.

But if you want to have a relationship, you've got to put some time and energy into it. Just like you did growing your business, buddy.

So you don't really want me. At least not enough to invest your time and energy.

Not even when I had a crummy business meeting and wanted cheering up, nothing more than talking to you. And you said nothing for three days.

Because you were busy. That's fine.  That's how you are.

But I don't want that anymore.

I want. I deserve! Someone who will make time in their life for me. Someone who will invest time and energy into a relationship.

So I will keep waiting until he and I find each other. Better to be alone on my own than lonely (and lied to) in a relationship.

But it still hurts. And tonight I'm trying to feel as horrible in my body as I do in my heart. My old brain wiring is driving me to eat crap. 

I hate this.

But this too shall pass...

Fear Cannot Keep Me Here

Tonight I took a big step towards a new me. Just in case you didn't know, I'm not perfect - shocking, I know. I've had trouble in the past believing that I was worthy of unconditional love and it's led to some unhealthy relationship in my life. I didn't believe I was lovable to others let alone myself. I used to try to do and be what I thought would make others love me. I would strive so hard to show others I was worthy of love.

A few days ago I posted about seeing my beauty and recognizing that I deserve a man who would see that too, not just lust after my physical beauty but someone who would also see my inner beauty, I decided it was time to set some firm boundaries in my life, especially around dating. (see blog post "I See Me")

I thought the guy I had kind of been seeing was gone from my life (just disappeared, stopped communicating), which was painful, but a good way to start fresh. Then he suddenly reappeared claiming a technology problem kept him from communicating for a few days. (Things had been weird for most of the week before the communication stopped.) I felt the devil trying to chip away at this new resolve to see how strong it is. And my mind did start to wander down that old path of lies about myself. But I pulled myself back, with God's help.

"The Mended Heart" Bible Study
by Suzanne Eller

I was reminded of this new me, this new attitude, this new belief, as I did my "Mended Heart" Bible Study today. I don't have to believe those old lies, those old ways of thinking. I felt reinvigorated to keep going in this new direction that God was leading me.

And then loneliness and doubt started creeping in again this evening so I decided to take myself for a walk with the hope that fresh air and good music would turn my mood around, or give me a safe place to cry and talk to God.

As I started to slowly walk with my head down, I felt the tears creeping into the corners of my eyes. But then this song came on. It's part of an album I just downloaded for the title track. But this song, THIS song, got to me. I half listened the first time it came on. Then I hit repeat. Again. And again. And again. I replayed this song about 6 times until I was singing along loudly, chin held high, pumping my arms, and walking fast with a smile on my face.

This song reminded me of what I've been repeatedly reminded of in my Bible Study. The chains are broken and I am free from my sins of my past and my old beliefs about mysel
f. God is reaching out to me to heal my broken heart. Fear does not have to have control over me any more. This song is telling fear that it no longer has control.

I know I'm gonna need this reminder again. This is an old chain, and old habit to break. I'm gonna need time to reinforce a new belief. God is patient, He will gently keep calling me back to Him. Thank goodness I'm not alone!