Scar

I have a scar on my heart.

Four years ago I fell in love. He made me fall in love with him. He wrote me a poem about our first date as he flew home from visiting me. He was sweet and gentle with me, yet a strong and confident man. Though our relationship was long distance, we prayed together every night on the phone.

He fell in love with me first. When I was sick, he called to comfort me. He told me he wished he could take care of me. And before he hung up he said he loved me. I wanted to say it, too, but in person, looking into his eyes. I told him I wanted to say it, too, but in person when he came back again in a few weeks.

He never came back. At first it was reasonable excuses. Then it was silence. And a broken heart.

Then a few years later he popped up in social media. We chatted. I put together puzzle pieces about him and he broke my heart again at the things I came to realize about him. I never should have loved him. But I did.

And it left a scar. His promises to call and to visit that went unfulfilled. And now whenever a guy promises to call or visit and then is late or unable to, it tears at that wound and I feel the raw ache again.

It hurts.

It's not his issue. It's mine to deal with.

Some day I hope that there's a man who will not reopen that wound.

Patience is NOT My Virtue

Ladies, I have a confession: I am not good at waiting. I take charge and get things done. I see a need, I fill the need, if its in my skill set. These are great attributes to have! Except when it comes to men. Men don't want to be pursued, they want to be the pursuers, so we must learn to wait for them.

Waiting for God's perfect timing, and waiting for a man to pursue me are Very challenging for me. When I see a man I want, I want him now. And I want him to realize that he wants me, too - NOW!! But that's not how God's timing is.

I have been praying for God to work in His perfect time to prepare me for the right place and the right place for me, as I contemplate a career move. I also pray a similar prayer about meeting and marrying the right man. And a couple of times I thought I'd found the right guy, only God was on a different path from me and that relationship didn't work out as I had planned.

Sometimes I need to step back and remind myself that God had always provided at just the right time in the past, and He will continue to do so for me in the present and future. God is never early and never late. He is always right on time. In all things.

...including relationships.

Done

I was in love.

But he broke my heart.

Again.

No, he didn't travel for work anymore. But maybe I can come up there where he is for a visit. ....maybe, but I have several commitments in town this summer, then school resumes so I didn't know when I can travel.

Yes, he's changed; he puts family before work. ...he has a 1 year old daughter. She needs him to be there. He adoress her.

Wait...we were dating two years ago. Long-distance, but still. Then we drifted apart because he got busy at work and stopped communicating with me. So he went from me, to another woman, and got her pregnant within a couple months. ...and then they split shortly before his daughter was born. This is not looking good for him.

But I have him another chance. He said a lot of things I wanted to hear.

And sometimes he said nothing at all, even though he said he'd call.

And when I finally said something about it, because it felt like what happened last time, all I got was excuses. He's got his daughter. He's got to catch up on work. He can't travel.

Fine.

But if you want to have a relationship, you've got to put some time and energy into it. Just like you did growing your business, buddy.

So you don't really want me. At least not enough to invest your time and energy.

Not even when I had a crummy business meeting and wanted cheering up, nothing more than talking to you. And you said nothing for three days.

Because you were busy. That's fine.  That's how you are.

But I don't want that anymore.

I want. I deserve! Someone who will make time in their life for me. Someone who will invest time and energy into a relationship.

So I will keep waiting until he and I find each other. Better to be alone on my own than lonely (and lied to) in a relationship.

But it still hurts. And tonight I'm trying to feel as horrible in my body as I do in my heart. My old brain wiring is driving me to eat crap. 

I hate this.

But this too shall pass...

Unfinished Prayer

Give him a fighting spirit, Lord. A spirit of strength. The knowledge that he can get through this and that he can overcome these obstacles. Not for me but for himself. That with You he can be strong.

And let him see that he is worthy. Worthy of so much more than his present situation. That because he is Your child he is worthy of so many blessings.

And give him confidence, Lord. Confidence that in You he is enough exactly the way he is. That he is enough and he is worthy.

Lord, give me a man who believes these things about himself. But most importantly give me a man who believes in you. Whose walk with you will join with mine. So that together we can grow in You.

A Set Back

Oh dear....

Dear Mr. Trainer,
Please don't be mad and yell at me. I fell off the wagon last week. I fell hard. It's time for me to refocus. Please just help me refocus.
Sincerely,
Me

It's caught up to me. My aching shoulders, my stiff knees, and my upset stomach are all signs/symptoms of my poor eating, lack of exercise, and decrease in regular sleep at night. I need to get back on track.

If I never eat at another fast food or have another sweet (at least for the rest of this month!) I'll be ok with that. Ugh. I'm so... what's the word for when you haven't eaten well, slept well, or exercised much.... and my brain won't shut off and let me go to sleep even though I'm tired. So I thought I'd write in my blog since it's been forever.

And maybe I'll diffuse some lavender or take a melatonin to help me sleep in a bit, but first I need to get some thoughts out here and share on my blog!

I've started dating this guy (he's great!) and I've let it throw me off track. I need to keep my good health goals in mind as I continue to explore this new relationship. I need to make sure my boyfriend and my health are priorities that aren't conflicting.

....Boundaries. I need some healthy boundaries. I need to say good night to him at a reasonable hour that allows me the sleep I need to feel good. Because when I sleep well, I will eat well (or at least not "cheat" and snack on sweets between meals). And when I eat well and feel rested I will then have energy to go workout, which will then help me sleep well, and the cycle repeats itself all over again.


Dear Mr. Boyfriend,
I really like you. And I really like me. I need to be healthy to be my best with you, so I'm going to work on setting some healthy limits for myself and our relationship so that I can take care of me and be my best for you. I need your support in making it ok to take care of me by allowing me to say good night to you a little earlier that we have in the past few weeks. And I already know you're ok with this because you love and respect and care for me. I already know you want what's best for me (and it's one of the many reasons I love you). Thank you for helping me take care of myself.
Love,
Me

No Cookies Needed

It had barely just started again and now it's over.

First, it was bad timing a year ago. Now, it's the distance. I love him and he loves me, but there's apparently just too many obstacles in our way.

No cookies needed

I'm tempted to go back to my old habits of finding comfort in food. I want chocolate! Or do I? My stomach is finally flat (or flatter than it has been in weeks while bloated). I'm feeling comfortable in my own skin - even naked. I feel slim and strong. Do I really want to go back to my old habits of finding comfort in food? NO! So I  need to find a substitute.

Exercise. Thank goodness it was also workout Monday with my trainer. I moved from sad that he called it off, to pissed off that he wasn't wiling to pursue me. I'm worth it. I'm a darned good catch. I'm freaking awesome! Darn him for not wanting it enough. Not wanting me enough.

So I took action.
I removed the electronic copies of the poems we'd written to each other.
I deleted our text chain and our messenger chat.
I deleted him from my contacts.
Swiftly. Like ripping off a bandaid.

I'm usually loyal to a fault, to a point where I hurt myself, but this time I don't want to do that. I've done enough of that in the past and this time I'm flipping the switch. Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.

But I don't feel shame, because I wanted it too. I initiated it, but he responded. But given his reason for not being able to pursue a relationship, perhaps he shouldn't have responded in the first place. But at least I've learned a lesson - don't hold on to the hurt.

I haven't cried since Monday afternoon.  I got a little sad on Thursday night during my Financial Peace class because it reminded me of a recent conversation with him. But I kept my chin up and reminded myself this wasn't about him, this was about me. I'd been feeling pumped about this class and I wasn't going to let him steal my joy.

This is about me feeling good about myself. And yah, I don't need sugary sweets to do that. I'm taking care of me and that feels great! I'm finding comfort in taking care of myself, support and love from my friends, and some inspirational words on the internet. I'm keeping myself open to love.

 

Out Of My Control

So I this week started reading a Bible study book called "Unglued" by Lisa TerKeurst, a Proverbs 31 Ministries online Bible study. I'm on chapter 2 and I'm on my second reading up the chapter. As I read I like to read once just to absorb information. The second time I read I like to underline passages and take notes.

So, today I'm on my second reading of chapter 2 entitled "I'm not a freak out woman". I've read again and again words along the lines of  "I can face things that are out of my control without acting out of control."

And yeah, sure I believe that in a lot of areas of my life. In fact, I was great at that yesterday when I was at the dealer waiting for my car that was getting recall work done. I first got a phone call from my bank saying there has been fraudulent activity on my bank card. They had to close my card and transferred me to customer service to get a new card activated, but I won't get it for a week or so. Until then I have to pay for everything with cash. And just after I got off the phone with my bank the attendant at the car station comes in and tells me that there's no oil in my car and they want to do some tests and repairs are going to cost a couple hundred dollars. I had a choice I could freak out to start stressing my brain spend a million miles a minute, or I could breathe and look at one thing at a time. I chose to calmly contact my bank and request a new card. Then, I thought through some of my options with my car and I chose to have one test done and wait for a few weeks until after the test is done to see if the other service would be needed. That reduced my expenses yesterday greatly.

But as I started writing this down in my journal, about facing things out of my control without acting out of control, and underlining the thought in my book an idea really hit hard. Am I trusting God, really trusting God, about this in my dating life? Do I really believe God is there and that he is out to do me good? Can I stop freaking out and stop trying to fix dating situations on my own? Am I ready to rest in the fact that God is in control? Even in control of my dating life?

I wasn't so good at that earlier this year. This past spring I met a man online. He came to visit and we fell in love. He became a big part of my world: we talked, texted, called, frequently. But then something happened at his job and he couldn't give me time and attention. Things were out of control and I felt out of control. I acted out of control. I stopped trusting God's plan and forgot whose side I'm on. I was the worst version of myself.

I made a new friend earlier this year. We immediately connected on facebook and also texted regularly.And we would see each other about once or twice a week sometimes. I have come to feel very close to this person. We aren't dating, we're just friends, but very good friends. They are very important to me. 

But things in their life have changed recently and it's affected our relationship. We haven't seen each other as much and haven't talked for awhile. Things in our relationship are out of my control. And I have a choice. I can freak out because things are out of control or I can choose to trust that God is in control and He is on my side and on my friend's side for our good. So I ask myself what good will it do to freak out? No good.

So, whose side are you on?

Ready

Last week I was frustrated with men. I thought it was perhaps because of my sugar-bingeing, but this week I've been off of processed sugar (and going for natural sugar found in foods), yet this discontent with men and dating remains. So it's not just the sugar talking, this is something really on my heart.

This morning I woke up feeling tired and dreading the days ahead. I have some fun stuff going on this week, but when I woke up this morning all I could think about was how tired I would be after doing all these fun things and wondering if I could skip some, but also not wanting to miss out on time with friends. Folks, I'm tired. I'm worn out.

It's not just physical exhaustion. It's emotional. There seems to be dating drama everywhere I go. Rumors still circulating about whether I'm dating this guy or that guy. (What a problem to have, I know, right?) This is new to me. Never have I been that girl before. Never. It's wearing on me.

I just want to go and have fun at volleyball or dancing or a concert. But when I go someone always asks if I'm dating such and such a guy.

Just to make sure we're all clear here: I'M NOT DATING ANYONE. I'M SINGLE. cue Beyonce... all the single ladies, all the single ladies put your hands up!

No one's put a ring on it, folks. I'm single. Not in a relationship. Not seeing anyone. Just hanging out and having fun... well, I was, now I'm not sure of that either. And so I woke up this morning dreading it all and wanting to crawl back under the covers.

(And just for the record, most of the guys have told me they aren't dating/won't date me. I have told only one I won't date him because he's not my type.)

This is the text conversation that ensued:

Me: Ever since you mentioned not going to volleyball last night, to have a quiet night tonight, that idea has been rattling around in my mind to maybe do the same. In fact, I wisih I could take the day off from work and have a whole day and night of quiet. But I can't do that, so maybe just a quiet night tonight or tomorrow.

Me: Ok, so that was first waking up. Now, after showering and dressing I have more thoughts. 

Me: I'm tired. Tired of being alone. Of being my own strength and support all the time. i want someone to mutually support and be supported by. I want to be held. I want to hold tightly.Me: I'm tired of being surrounded by people but still feeling alone. I want to be with someone who understands my heart. To be with people who truly see me. 

Me: Maybe this is why I feel like my dating life sucks. Because men see my outward appear but they don't see my heart. They lust after me but they don't really know me.

Friend (who finally has woken up): If you want to be held you need to have children. 

Friend: Social programming does not influence people in that direction of truly knowing someone. It's all about the physical, the visual. 

Friend: Lots in the current battle between the few and the marketing giants of the world. 

Friend: You live in one of the most screwed up social settings in the country. 

Friend: Probably the worst habitat for developing or fostering any kind of healthy relationship at any age. 

Friend: If you want to be held, if you want to hold someone so you can experience genuine love and affection that's undying, the best odds at that are to have three children, your own children. 

Me: Ah, I understand what you are saying. 

Me: I do want kids, but not on my own. Parenting is tough. You need a teammate. And kids need a mom and a dad. 

Me: Someone at work just asked how I was doing and I started crying. I'm emotionally tired.

That's the realization I had today. I'm emotionally tired.

I shared a picture of a swimming pool with a little sludge left in the bottom and debris floating, captioned "dating pool in your 30s". That's kind of how I'm feeling at the moment... dating is murky waters. Exhausting and murky.

I have a lot of love to give. I have a great big heart. I desire to share love with others. And to find someone worthy of that love who returns it. But lately I seem to keep finding men who are not worthy of that love. Or men who aren't able to give love. Why  do I keep falling for emotionally unavailable men? It's a question I keep asking myself over and over again.

I'm ready. Now where are all the good men? The ones who are looking for a relationship, emotionally available, able to give and receive love, true followers of Christ? I'm ready to love.

Outta Whack

I still feel outta whack. I feel like crying over the littlest things. And I get pissed off over the littlest things. And I'm still so tired, even thought I got plenty rested this weekend. I am definitely not my best self.

I'm feeling pissed off at a friend for not responding to me for several days. A mutual friend says this person just does that some times. I know I shouldn't take it personally, but I am right now. I'm  trying to remember to give them grace and compassion - they are doing the best that they can in their life right now. It's not about me it's about them. It's their issue. They will respond to me when they are ready and able.

And I'm just so fed up with pretty much all men right now. Ok, maybe not all me. I started to think about two that I'm not disgusted with and the list was actually quite long - you can thank my brother and most adorable nephew for swinging the vote that men aren't so bad. Maybe it is just a few men in my life that I need to look at and decide if they are worth the hassle. (And right now I'm leaning towards NOT!)

Ok, and if I'm being honest, I ate sugar yesterday and today. I can feel the tension knots starting in my shoulders. I could be achy from that or from the fact that I didn't sleep well last night which lowered my stress tolerance (which led to some emotional and mindless eating). Now I'm regretting the sugar. (But it's leaving the apartment soon!)

But still, I'm disgusted with men. A few in particular. I want to delete our text histories because I'm pissed off, but really, what good will that do other than I wouldn't have to see their faces and message history listed in my message inbox.

And I'm fed up with rumor starters. A part of me wants to skip some of my favorite activities because there are rumors I'm dating this one guy at dancing, and other rumors about two different guys I might be dating at volleyball. I'm not dating any of them. They are just friends. We sometimes flirt, but mostly we just participate in the same activity together and have fun doing so. Stop spreading rumors, people. This isn't junior high, this is my life.

Gee, I was hoping that if I wrote some of this stuff down it would help clear my mind so I could sleep. Not sure that it's helping because I'm sort of getting riled up. But a moment later I can't keep my eyes open.

I need to go to bed and give myself some grace and compassion - I'm doing the best that I can right now. And when I'm ready, I'll look at what changes I need to make in my life so these darned men are less aggravating to me.

Patience

Patience: It may be a virtue, but it certainly isn't feeling like one of my strengths lately.

He was supposed to come visit the weekend of May 8th, but due to a business emergency he had to make a trip out of town. The trip was postponed to the following weekend, but the business crisis continued and kept him away. Same story the following weekend. I kept hoping that his birthday weekend, Memorial weekend, would finally be the weekend he would be able to visit. But no, still no visit.

Lord, I'm trying to be patient, but this is really hard. When will we finally be together again?

I'm still waiting. The hardest part of this is that the work situation has also kept him working long days and weekends, so we hardly talk. The few messages I have assure me of his love and that he misses me.

At first I was in despair (see previous post: Stormy Week). Then I started to find hope as I fixed my eyes on Christ and serving, supporting, and loving him through this. I found strength in talking to girlfriends who helped distract me from my situation and godly women advising me, and even a few visits with my pastor (see previous posts: Peace and Fear Not!).

Still, doubt slips in on occasion. The world has a different view of relationship and love. To the world love is a feeling, so if the feelings aren't strong then there must not be love and it's time to move on. But God tells me that love is more than that. Love is patient (1 Corinthians 13:4)

Fear tells me to let go of him, he's not communicating much. It says "he loves you, but does he really mean it if he's too busy to let you know he's ok or he misses you"?

Patience says to trust that God has a plan and that God is working in this situation to bring me closer to Him. Patience says that God is using this to strengthen me and change me.

Patience.... is tough. But I'd rather be a fool for holding on even if it turns out that it's over than be a fool for letting go and missing out on something great, because you never know, I might be surprised. It might just turn out that patience brings me my heart's desire. So I'm going to keep hoping, no trusting, that when he says he loves me he absolutely means it. And I'm going to keep hoping that he's so deep into his work waffle, that what he  needs most is space and support, and when he comes out of his work waffle he'll be ready to re-engage with me (see "Men are Like Waffles, Women are Like Spaghetti"). And, I'm going to keep blogging to help me process, because that's was spaghetti women do- we connect with others!

Visions and Dreams

I spent all last week waiting to hear from him. I released my white-knuckle grasp and gave things over to God. It wasn't easy, I kept trying to take it back, but I at least loosened my grasp.

On Monday, I had visions of him coming back to me with my arms wide open and tears spilling down my cheeks. After a email message from my grandma, who had previously encouraged me to give him space, I sent him a tender loving message as she was now advising. I apologized for being needy and clingy earlier last week and for adding to his stress burden. He apologized for pushing me away and said work and stress compounded by my anxiety had caused him to freak out. And just as I had envisioned, I had tears streaming down my face. I felt tears of joy that we had come back together.

He is back in my arms (figuratively).... sort of. He's still at a distance. Still working on saving his business and dealing with client issues.

Monday night, I had a dream of myself holding a very fragile bubble. I have been given a gift of him communicating with me again on Monday and assuring me of his love. Now, how do I proceed with this relationship? I feel afraid that it is in a fragile state right now. How do I proceed with my life, with loving him and supporting him when things feel fragile right now?

On Monday night, this is how I imagined my relationship status - I am holding a fragile bubble. See Rule #1.

I know, in my head, that things aren't always going to be happy. We aren't always going to feel the euphoric high and intense feelings we felt the first weeks after meeting. (Today, I read a great article shared by eHarmony, the dating website where we met, that was all about happiness in relationships. It had some great thoughts on this topic of happiness in relationships. Read it here.) So, I ask myself and some godly women I know: how do I love and support him when I am feeling a distance between us? When the happy high is gone and we are in the midst of real-life tough stuff - how do I love him and support him?

I want to ask him these things, and I will ask him. But how do I ask him, when it's hard to get a response?

“Communication to a relationship is like Oxygen to life. Without it … it dies.”  

– Tony Gaskins

(From the great eHarmony series of articles on relationships. Read it here.) I fear that without a visit soon, without physical contact, that this distance will continue to grow between us. I'm a fan of the "Five Love Languages" stuff by Gary Chapman (learn more here). My strongest love languages are physical touch and quality time. A long-distance relationship makes doing both of those hard. So how do we keep love alive when my strongest love languages are hardest to do? Gary Chapman has some ideas, but how do I use those, when the expressions of love should come from him to me, not from me to me?

"I am frequently asked how to apply the 5 love languages in long-distance relationships. Physical touch and quality time are particularly challenging in these instances. The simple answer is this: you must be creative and committed to staying connected despite the distance." (Read more here.)

I don't have the answers... yet. I'm going to keep praying on these things and seeking godly counsel to see what I can learn about myself, relationships, and this relationship.

Update: Last night, I had another vision as I slept. My prayer to God,  before falling into an exhausted but peaceful sleep, was that He would show me what I need to do.

Bubbles aren't meant to be held, they are made to float and fly. I love him and value our relationship too much to hold on, I need to let it be free. I need to give him space to soar. And I need to give myself the freedom to love freely and live my life without fear. 

What I'm Learning

I was working out this afternoon and this song came on my workout playlist: "Faithful" by Hawk Nelson. Take a listen.



I've been doing some reflecting on relationships this past week and spending a lot of time in The Word, in prayer, in my journal, and in conversation with godly advisers. Through this challenging situation I've been learning things about myself. More importantly I've been learning things about God and my relationship with Him.

I thought about how I had been longing for a word from the guy I'm dating, just a few moments of his time, reassurance that he still cares and that he will keep his promise to see me again. I longed for these things so much that my heart ached, felt like it was breaking, and I cried a lot. And as I dove into God's Word for comfort it slowly dawned on me- isn't this how I should feel about spending time with God? Shouldn't I long for Him, spending time in prayer and His Word as much or more than I long for time with the guy I'm dating?

Yes, at times my world feels like it's falling apart (and I'm dealing with the emotional stuff and balancing out hormones) because the plans we had made together don't appear to be coming to fruition. And because I can be a bit of a control-freak it's hard for me to let the man take the lead in the relationship. And because I'm super-organized and into detailed planning it's hard for me to handle the unknown. I know these things about myself. It doesn't make this any easier, but at least I know this about myself.  And now I know, really know, how God wants me to feel about Him. And perhaps a bit of how He feels about me?...

Peace

Good words to start the day.

These were the words that started the day with my students during our morning devotions. They were exactly the words I needed to be reminded of today. 

The devil had been getting in and taking away my hope. I'd been feeling despair over not hearing from him on the phone for several days. I had cried myself to sleep for two nights in a row and woken up in the morning crying still. I was not at peace. 

Friends and coworkers meant well but spoke in platitudes. I had lost hope and was sinking in self-pity, despair, sadness, and self-absorption. I had taken my eyes off of God and the hope and peace.

On Tuesday I had spoken with my pastor about meeting with him after work on Wednesday to talk about a different situation, but because I was so overwhelmed yesterday by these feelings of sadness that we spent most of our time talking about this. He listened patiently. And when I had finished crying and talking, he spoke softly and calmly. He helped me find hope in the situation. He helped me stop focusing on myself and my feelings and focus on my relationship and my boyfriend. His words gave me encouragement and I left determined to be more supportive and loving of him and less needy. 

Wow. The last time my guy and I had prayed together, I had asked God to help me love him more unconditionally, just as he was loving me. I guess the answer to that prayer was an opportunity to practice that. 

 My last words to him yesterday were an apology for being selfish and consumed by my feelings and a promise that I would attempt to be more supportive of him and that I trusted he would contact me when he was able. I still haven't heard from him. But the last words he texted to me were to reassure me of how much he loved me. That is enough for now. And it is enough to know that God is in control, watching over us, and will give us HIS peace.

I have a sweet song based on this verse
that I once sang for my church going through my head.
This is a great earworm today.

Better Than Gold

Music has always been a language of my heart. When I can't find words to express what's in my heart, I can often think of a song that has just the right words.

Almost as soon as I heard Danny Gokey's song "Better Than Gold" it spoke to me. I wanted a man to think and feel those things about me. The guy I was dating at the time definitely didn't feel it. I could tell, but I kept hoping. But even after we broke up I still had this longing every time I heard this song to find the man that would feel this way- that I'm better than gold.

I had kind of forgotten about that longing for a while, but today as I was working out (this is definitely on my playlist- how can you NOT want to move to this song?) I was reminded of that longing. But it's no longer an empty hoping. That longing has been fulfilled. I've found the guy that I believe feels this way about me. He says it in many little ways, but there's no doubt that it's there. I feel so blessed...

 

...because I feel that way about him, too.

Miserable

I'll be the wisest woman alive soon.

Why do I do this to myself? Do I love to be miserable? I ate way too much tonight at dinner. We went to Texas Roadhouse, which starts you with those lovely little hot rolls and honey cinnamon butter. I promptly ate two, I think before I even placed my order. I am slightly comforted by the fact that it was a fairly healthy dinner: medium cooked 6 oz steak with sauteed onions and mushrooms on top, green beans, and a plain baked potato. Water to drink. No appetizers. Still, it was more than I needed, and yet I topped it off with one more roll with butter before leaving.

Ugh. I'm paying for it now. I tried to "balance" things out by doing a workout this evening. I don't think it did much good because I felt so lousy I could only do a slow walk for 25 minutes; half as fast and half the time of my normal workouts.

To add to my misery I decided to text the guy who just dumped me, just to wish him a happy birthday and see if he got my present. He got it and said it was very sweet (a personalized beer tap). Glad he got it. He also got sick for his birthday. Part of me wishes I could be happy and feel self-righteous that he's sick and miserable on his birthday. Mostly I'm just too nice to be petty. I'd rather make myself miserable than wish it on him.

Maybe that's why I overate at dinner. (No maybe about it, it definitely is why I overate at dinner.) If I'm going to be miserable it's better(?) to feel too full from a good dinner than to be crying over a guy who dumped me via text. A guy who isn't romantic and doesn't really feel emotions, but doesn't feel romantic feelings for me. A guy who has been steady dating me for three months.

Everyone keeps saying I'm better off and that he didn't deserve me. Everyone keeps saying I'll meet someone better. Everyone keeps saying he's an idiot. That may be true, but I'm not there yet folks. I've been trying to hold it together all week, trying to stay focused at work and positive around others, but inside the wounds are still pretty raw. I almost made it all day today and Tuesday without crying, almost. I cried myself to sleep Tuesday night. I'm crying now as I type this. Monday and Wednesday started the day with tears but then got better. I know it will get better. I know I won't cry over him forever. But sometimes I feel so sick to my stomach with ache over the suddenness of this unexpected loss. I believe it will get better. I know this won't last forever, but right now this is where I am.

I am hurting.
I am mourning the loss of a man who possessed some wonderful qualities that I didn't even know I so strongly desired in a relationship partner.
I'm mourning the loss of a friend whom I always felt safe with.
I'm mourning the loss of a partner who cheered me up when I was sad and made me laugh when I was stressed.
I'm mourning the loss of someone who put up with my crazies.
I'm mourning the fun adventures we were going to have together: rock wall climbing, shooting, flying in his plane.
I'm mourning the quiet nights snuggling with him and his dog on the couch watching movies.
I'm mourning the loss of someone wiser and more experienced and more knowledgeable to help me shop for a new car.

I am hurting and it's ok to cry.

I *Think* I May Be Stressed

I think I may be stressed.

Yah, I'm pretty sure I am. Last month was rough. There was a lot going on at school: Epiphany program which included daytime practices and an evening performance, National Lutheran Schools Week which included special dress-up days and some special events, Social Studies fair which included special classroom activities and an evening event, and that's just the work-related stuff.

I do try to have a life outside of school, though sometimes that's hard. We teachers take home papers to grade and lessons to plan, so even when the end of the day bell rings we aren't actually done with work. We could spend several hours a night on those two things alone, if we let ourselves.

I also try to take care of myself physically by cooking more at home and exercising regularly. Last month that was kind of sketchy, though by some miracle of miracles I finally managed to hit the 100 pound  mark on the last day of the month.

I know I didn't eat as well as I could have. My upset stomach most of the month and red spots currently residing on my face are proof of that. After a year of focusing on taking care of myself and noticing how my body feels in response to what I eat and the exercise I get, you'd think I'd have learned by now.

Yet here I am today, blogging about how stressed I am. I feel crappy. Yesterday I got up and weighed in and was riding a high for a few hours after discovering that I'd finally hit the 100 pound mark. So I treated myself to a lunch at Chipotle and ate 1100 calories which made me feel awful. To top that off, I ate 4 pieces of carb-loaded, greasy pizza for dinner. I don't think I had a single fruit or vegetable yesterday, except for a few dismal slivers of green pepper on the supreme supreme pizza and boy am I feeling it today.

I woke up exhausted, despite getting about 10 hours of sleep. I'm pretty sure it's a combination of having had a busy, long week last week at the end of a long month AND not eating well yesterday. So how do I feel this morning?

I'm slightly freaking out. Friday my date was great and things seemed back to normal. Today, the scale says I'm 2.3 pounds heavier than I was yesterday morning so I'm feeling bloated and uncomfortable in my own skin and questioning my relationship with the guy. The big question: Is he seeing anyone else and do I want to ask? Because if the answer is yes, than I may want to stay in my blissfully ignorant state. If the answer is no then life can go on as before.

I feel like crawling into a cave today and hiding, after I workout, of course. A cave where I can eat vegetables and fruit to hopefully make my tummy feel better again. But it's Super Bowl Sunday and my team is playing. I've been invited to a party. I know I'll have a good time watching the game, but I also know there will be lots of food. I need a plan, but I'm just feeling so drained I don't want to. Would it be weird to show up with a little lunch bag full of food for just me to eat? You know, healthy stuff so I know there are options I'll feel good about. That might be the plan, or part of the plan.

I hear my phone chirping in the other room, I think the guy responded to an earlier question. Now, do I want to ask the big question or wait until I'm feeling better about myself?.... I think I'll wait. That may be slightly chicken of me, but I also know that in my current state it would probably result in some emotional eating and I don't want to do emotional eating so this is taking care of myself.

Yep, I'm stressed. Football. Relationship. Work. Food. Lack of sleep. Definitely stressed. Time to go do some self-care in the fitness center.

Work In Progress

A guy I was dating recently admitted to me that he has watched porn. The topic came up because we were talking about things we've given up for Lent in the past. He said he gave up porn for Lent a few years ago after watching the movie "Don Juan". "Good for him," I thought, and then moved on. But that admission of his has come back to haunt me on several occasions.

One of those occasions was last night. I could feel in my body tension and anxiety, but wasn't completely sure why. Instead of ignoring it, I decided to dig in to see what it was. As I started peeling back the layers, I realized that it was anxiety about his porn admission and insecurities about my body.

If he's watched porn in the past, does he still watch it now? 

Did he give it up completely starting in Lent, or did he go back to it after Lent was over?

What does he think of my body? 

I can dress up nice enough and flatter my figure, but what if he were to see me in a bathing suit? 

What would he think of the jiggly thighs, flappy arms, and belly pooch? The tummy that will always have extra skin no matter how many crunches I do?

My body will never be like a model's, super model or otherwise. I've gained and lost weight several times over the years. My skin may never shrink back. I have stretch marks. And on good days I can look in the mirror and say to myself, "I look damn good. I'm proud of how I look now." I feel comfortable in my own skin.

...But what does HE think? I feel afraid that he will compare my body to other women, porn stars, models, or even the girl at the next table. I feel afraid that I will always have this fear. Will I ever be comfortable enough in my own skin that I won't question what my man thinks of my body?

I cried a lot over these questions and fears last night. And today I read this article on Huffington post (read it here) that really resonated with some of the things I'd been thinking and feeling. Here's an excerpt:

After losing half my body weight, I somehow thought that life would get easier. Somehow, I thought that all of this would be easier. But as it turns out, it's harder. It's more frustrating and far more painful living in this body than it ever was living in my 300-pound one.
...Losing the weight doesn't necessarily fix anything. And losing that much weight doesn't necessarily land you in a bikini body, either. I have back fat. I will probably always have back fat. I don't have the money to undergo a full plastic surgery reconstruction and I'm not sure I'm vain enough to undergo such a procedure if I did. So at the moment, this is me. This is my body. This is my back fat. And this is my arm fat, and waist fat and butt fat.

I didn't lose half my body weight, but I lost about 100 pounds- a very significant amount. I thought some things in life would get easier. And I was right, some things did. And some things didn't, which I knew would happen, too. I just didn't realize this would all be so hard and result in so many tears. The blog article's author's story isn't completely like mine, but I "get" a lot of what she was saying.

I know dating is hard. All relationships are hard. The first few months were great. He seemed practically perfect. I knew we would discover each other's faults. I knew at some point I would come down from Cloud Nine and rejoin the real world, no longer looking through rose-colored glasses.  Is that what this is- taking the glasses off and putting my feet back on solid ground?

I know at some point I'll have to talk with him about the porn if we are to have a relationship. I know I'll have to keep addressing my body-image issues. Tears are very close to the surface here. These are hard issues and are scary (and everything seems worse at night, as my mom often says). Praying for peace- John 14:27 (27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.).

This will be a work in progress. This body acceptance. This blog post. This issue about his porn viewing, if I decide to see him again. This life is a work in progress.

Let's "Slow Down", aka the death of a relationship?

Family relationships. Dating relationships. Roommate relationships. Ahh, the joy of human interactions. Yes, this is one of the topics that has been ruminating in my mind that I've been considering blogging about for a few days.

Let go of the past.

As if dating isn't hard enough on it's own or the holidays aren't stressful enough on their own, combine dating during the holidays and what do you get? A few more gray hairs to hide, I think. Oh, the joys of memories of relationships past: he cheated on me and dumped me over Christmas/New Years. Is the current guy seeing someone else? Will he dump me, too, when I start acting crazy because of old memories, family stress, and sugar crazies? It's enough to make me want to crawl under a rock and hide for two weeks. What do I do instead? Open my big mouth and send a text message.

Yah, we're in this awkward stage where we've been seeing each other regularly now for a few months. I'm not dating anyone else, and I'm pretty sure he's not either. He's my steady guy. I'm not interested in seeing anyone else. I'm pretty sure he likes me a lot. Though he's not good at telling me, he's really good at showing me. He takes me to nice dinners, treats me like a lady, cheers me up when I'm upset or stressed. He's pretty freakin' wonderful.

So, going home for the holidays, when people ask if I'm seeing anyone I say I've got a boyfriend. He's not officially, but it's easier to say that than try to explain all of the above. Back in Seattle I ran into an old (male) acquaintance that I knew from my dance school. We ran into each other twice at different dance events. The second night he tried to kiss me as I left. I saw him coming in and so I turned my head and he got my cheek. I'd previously told him I had a boyfriend. I did later that week tell him that I was angry at him for trying to kiss me when he knew I was seeing someone else. He apologized, sort of. He says he was tipsy from drinking and got carried away because of my pretty smile. (I think it's BS, but decided it wasn't worth calling him on it because I was only in town for a few days and won't likely see him again, at least not for another several months.)

Well, I'd had sugar earlier that day. And I'd had a drink at the dance, so needless to say I was feeling not quite myself. I got home a little after midnight amped up from dancing, my mind turning from the attempted kiss, and my body feeling funny from the sugar. Sleep was not going to come easily.

After tossing and turning for a few hours, I grabbed my phone and texted my steady guy. I confessed the attempted kiss and how I diverted it. And then I told him my desire to be his girlfriend and for him to be my boyfriend because I didn't want anyone else kissing me but him and I didn't want anyone else kissing him but me, and what did he think of that. And then I hit send. Holy crap, what did I just do!?! I turned my phone off, now chicken and afraid of his response, because "what if" all my fears about him cheating on me and dumping me on New Years just like the past relationship guy came true all because I had a freak out at 5 am. I turned my phone back off and tried to go back to sleep.

A few hours later I woke up and turned my phone back on. There was a reply, of course. He said I'm a special woman to him, but he's not ready for that relationship status. In the light of day, maybe I'm not either, but now what? How do I act? How do we go forward? I start freaking out again and send him another text. I should have just left it alone, but in typical girl (or just me) fashion, I text back. After a couple messages back and forth he sends the dreaded "maybe we should slow down". Holy crap, what have I done!?

I replied, of course, not smart enough yet, or awake enough yet, to realize I should have stopped several messages ago, in fact probably should never have replied to his response in the first place. After a couple more messages I stop and turn my phone off. His last words to me "Don't worry about it. Enjoy your vacation." And in the back of my mind his words keep swirling around "maybe we should slow down."

How can I not  worry about it and enjoy my vacation now after the stupid things I just said in texts? In my mind I start thinking "that's it, this relationship is over, and I've killed it. This is all my fault. I should never have messaged him at 5 am; I'm an idiot." Thankfully my mother and a good friend talk me down and support my decision to not message him. They help me stay strong and wait.

I try to go forward to enjoy the last few days of my vacation. It's not easy. I keep finding occasions when I want to text him something funny, ask him a question, share a picture, but I don't. Saturday and Sunday were long days of waiting. Monday I wake up to a text from him. Nothing terribly exciting, just a comment about the weather in SLC, but the best news from him after a few days of radio silence.

The relationship did not die. I gave him some space; he gave me some in return. And he picked me up on New Years Eve for dinner followed by a quiet evening watching the ball drop on TV. Not a break-up. He's not the guy I dated in the past. He likes me and he has never lied to me. This guy is different and he'll move at his own pace. We'll move at our own pace. And I'm learning to be ok with that.

Stop the World, I Want to Get Off

I've had it up to here!

I need to give myself an extra measure of grace today.

I'm stressed. I'm tired. I'm tense. I'm ready to cry. The cat keeps meowing (in a come hither, I'm in heat sort of way), I can't get the lid on the plastic container I'm packing, I keep nibbling at the fudge that I'm packaging up to give away (even though I don't want to eat it), my computer is working really slowly (and I might throw it out the window- or through the window!), and ... and I don't understand men.

I know, I know. It's the sugar. Sugar does bad things to me; it makes my body achy and makes my mind play games.

As if this season isn't stressful enough I'm dating a guy (and dating always is stressful). He seems like a pretty good guy. At least most of the time. He cheered me up earlier this evening with some funny texts. Now I want to throttle him. His last message, after I said "good night" was "cheers". Who says "cheers"? Are we toasting and I don't know it?! Or is there some other reason for a casual (platonic friends) greeting? More than likely, I'm reading too much in to this.


Ok, so given the circumstances it's not surprising that I'm feeling stressed and anxious about dating. Yes, there's the whole "sugar makes me kinda crazy thing", but there was a spot in my past where dating at this time of year caused me a lot of hurt. The sugar craze is dredging up that memory. The guy I was dating started talking to another girl while I was gone for Christmas. When he picked me up from the airport on New Years Eve he confessed this all to me and broke up with me. Jerk. So, yah, I'm coming up to this holiday with a little trepidation. I know the guy I'm dating now isn't the guy I was dating back then. I'm pretty sure (like 95%) that he likes me; he's just not good at saying it so it leaves me uncertain sometimes. (And yah, there was another guy I dated who never told me how he felt. Months after I told him I loved him he still hadn't said it back, which is a big reason I broke up with him. I needed to not only see and feel how he felt about me, but I also I needed to hear it. I told him this evening that I like him, in a text, and he never acknowledged or responded. I'm a little hurt.) I know I need to leave the past in the past. I know THIS guy is NOT THOSE guys. But the sugar is making me think crazy thoughts. I need to stop the sugar so I can stop some of the crazy thoughts. I need to stop the sugar so I can think rationally.

I need to stop the sugar. Not only is it making me crazy, it's going to make my body achy and yucky. I already noticed the yucky feeling this afternoon when working out. My body didn't have any energy to really push the cardio because I haven't been fueling it properly. My workout this evening was tough. I'm glad I went and it made me feel a little better, but I don't feel as good after as I usually do.

I need to stop the sugar and get back on track with what I know my body wants and what makes me feel good because I'm seven-tenths of a pound away from my goal weight. 0.7 pounds! And I already printed my Christmas letter saying I met my goal weight this December. I don't want to make a liar out of myself.

Somebody stop me before I drive myself crazy! Oh, wait, that somebody is me.

I'm going to bed. Not getting enough sleep will only add to the stress. So if I can't stop the world and get off, I can at least go to bed and shut the world out for several hours.

Listening, Prayers, and Relief

Yesterday was a rough day.

I woke up late. My alarm never went off. I had set it; I just forgot to turn it on. My roommate woke me up 5 minutes after she wanted to leave for work. Thankfully, she was gracious and kind about me oversleeping and told me to not worry about it.

But still, waking up late sets the tone for the day and mine was off all day.

I missed our staff devotions because when I got to school I discovered a bunch of little things that I had forgotten to do to prepare for the day. I felt like I was behind all day.

I texted the guy I had a date with on Friday night (date #4) to say that I had a good time and thanks for dinner. And any chance of seeing him again. Though I know the date went well, and despite the fact that I know he's a mellow, laid back guy, despite the fact that it's only date #4, his response made me anxious. Does he not like me? Does he not like me as much as I thought? What's going on?

That evening I was all out of sorts. I was anxious, agitated, and tired. I succumbed to tears. Those tears and snuggling my roommate's kitty helped a bit. I also took some time to use my EBT skills and do a "cycle" to go through my feelings, essential pains, and earned rewards of struggling through this. I felt somewhat lifted by listening to my body.

But when I went to bed, more tears came. That's when I finally cried out to Jesus.



Jesus, I need your help here. I'm feeling anxious. I don't know what to do. Help me through this. Take this burden and this worry from me tonight. Help me to sleep in Your peace.

And I slept. Peacefully in the arms of Jesus. Thanks be to God.