Today, I choose me.
I choose to honor, love, and nourish my body.
I choose me over sweets that don't satisfy, but leave me feeling regret, achy, and irritated.
I choose to love myself by letting go of relationships that aren't healthy.
I choose to nourish my soul with God's Word for me, not the world's.
I choose to nourish my body with sleep and good food.
I choose to strengthen my body by engaging in physical activity.
I choose me.
Showing posts with label body. Show all posts
Showing posts with label body. Show all posts
Saturday, February 11, 2017
I Choose Me
Wednesday, June 10, 2015
Tummy Tale
Cruising through Facebook today, I came across a story similar to one I've been meaning to write for several weeks. The tale of tummies (read it here) is the spring board for bringing compassion to the way we interact with people.
Here's my tummy. Here's my story.
I took this picture while trying on pants for summer. I was feeling frustrated because the pants weren't fitting right. At first I was upset that I looked terrible in them, then I remembered the problem isn't my body, the problem is the pants.
I'm a teacher and aunt who loves her kids with all her heart. I have a big heart and love deeply. I'm very in tune with my feelings. I've learned that feelings are just feelings, I don't have to fear them. And I don't have to eat my feelings. I've only recently learned to love myself exactly as I am. I've amazed myself at what my body can do and the punishment I've put it through and survived. Over the years I've been fit and I've been fat. I've gained and lost weight many times. Recently, I lost over 100 pounds. My body has done amazing things. I'm learning to love my body, all parts including my belly.
Sunday, March 8, 2015
Amazing Myself
Some of you might hate me for saying this, but I accidentally lost 4 pounds last week. I wasn't trying to lose weight last week, I was just trying to get back to the healthy eating habits I'd somewhat abandoned in February. I also amped up my workout routine. Last weekend I weighed in at 166, this weekend I weighed in at 162. I was shocked.
I knew things were different because on Thursday I was able to button a corduroy jacket that hasn't fit in ages. I'd been wearing it anyway, just not buttoning it. But when I felt a slight chill and pulled it tighter across my chest, I was surprised that I didn't have to tug to get the two sides together. They easily came together across my chest and stomach.
Friday night, getting dressed to go dancing, my tummy pooch didn't seem quite as noticeable. My Spanx weren't having to work as hard to keep me slim.
And this weekend, I woke up feeling comfortable in my own body. I've been amazed at how it's been working the last week. From dancing, to exercising- including running 3 miles on the treadmill, to every day in the classroom my body has been going hard. And it's been keeping up.
I know I've said it before, but it doesn't hurt to say it again, I'm grateful to my body. I've put it through a bit of abuse with the extra weight, lack of exercise, and poor eating habits over past years and yet it's kept on going. Now, I'm paying more attention to it, not in a vain way, but in a way of being present with myself and noticing how I feel - paying attention to my body's signals. I'm practicing mindfulness.
I noticed my body was extra tired so I gave myself permission to turn off the alarm clock and wake up when my body was ready. And yes, that meant that I missed church today, which I am sad of, but didn't Jesus also take time off to take care of His physical need for rest? While it's not a habit I endorse, I'm spending time in personal meditation and reflection, and thanking God for what He's given me and and done for me. I whole-heartedly believe that fellowship with other believers is important, but so is listening to your body - the body God cretaed - and giving it what it needs. Today it needs rest, so that's what I'm giving it.
Sometimes I get so busy that I forget to appreciate my body and honor all that it's done for me. A new friend reminded me of how wonderful my body is when last weekend he told me "You're hot." I scoffed at first because of his word choice, having just read a blog post by another blogger who is a professional writer (Single Dad Laughing). He'd told a woman on a date "you're hot" and she also scoffed, not because she didn't believe him (as I didn't believe my friend), but because he's a writer and couldn't come up with better words. (Read blog post here.)
The next day I tried to explain to my friend via text why I had scoffed at his comment by sharing the blog link with him. He read it and wrote back that he liked the arrangement of my atoms. Hah! Well, since I was still waiting for the upswing of getting back into the habit of eating better and exercising more, I didn't truly believe him. I thought I was pretty enough, but not hot.
Now, a week later, I believe him. My atoms are arranged in a pretty awesome way, so thanks, my friend, for that reminder. I'll try to remember that on my own more often. My body is amazing, not just for how it looks, but for all it does.
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| I'm a rebel and a rule-breaker! |
I knew things were different because on Thursday I was able to button a corduroy jacket that hasn't fit in ages. I'd been wearing it anyway, just not buttoning it. But when I felt a slight chill and pulled it tighter across my chest, I was surprised that I didn't have to tug to get the two sides together. They easily came together across my chest and stomach.
Friday night, getting dressed to go dancing, my tummy pooch didn't seem quite as noticeable. My Spanx weren't having to work as hard to keep me slim.
And this weekend, I woke up feeling comfortable in my own body. I've been amazed at how it's been working the last week. From dancing, to exercising- including running 3 miles on the treadmill, to every day in the classroom my body has been going hard. And it's been keeping up.
I know I've said it before, but it doesn't hurt to say it again, I'm grateful to my body. I've put it through a bit of abuse with the extra weight, lack of exercise, and poor eating habits over past years and yet it's kept on going. Now, I'm paying more attention to it, not in a vain way, but in a way of being present with myself and noticing how I feel - paying attention to my body's signals. I'm practicing mindfulness.
Sometimes I get so busy that I forget to appreciate my body and honor all that it's done for me. A new friend reminded me of how wonderful my body is when last weekend he told me "You're hot." I scoffed at first because of his word choice, having just read a blog post by another blogger who is a professional writer (Single Dad Laughing). He'd told a woman on a date "you're hot" and she also scoffed, not because she didn't believe him (as I didn't believe my friend), but because he's a writer and couldn't come up with better words. (Read blog post here.)
The next day I tried to explain to my friend via text why I had scoffed at his comment by sharing the blog link with him. He read it and wrote back that he liked the arrangement of my atoms. Hah! Well, since I was still waiting for the upswing of getting back into the habit of eating better and exercising more, I didn't truly believe him. I thought I was pretty enough, but not hot.
Now, a week later, I believe him. My atoms are arranged in a pretty awesome way, so thanks, my friend, for that reminder. I'll try to remember that on my own more often. My body is amazing, not just for how it looks, but for all it does.
Wednesday, March 4, 2015
Beware, Girl Scout Cookies VS Girl Scout Cookies Beware!
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| Just 1 more Girl Scout Cookie |
Today, the cookies were delivered. Four boxes- two Samoas and two Tagalongs. And yes, I ate some. Five, in fact, one whole row. And, oh, were they as good as I remembered. Sweet, gooey, coconut-y and delicious Samoas. My favorite.
But four boxes? I had ordered them when I was still dating that guy. I had planned to share them with him. Now what am I going to do with four boxes?! I gave one to my Japanese exchange student aide. Samoas. Yes, I parted with my favorite first. I don't need that many Samoas. Upon further reflection, I don't need that many Tagalongs. I think I'll give some to my new Japanese student I'm getting next week.
But back to those five cookies I ate. They were good. But I'm glad I left them in my desk at work so they wouldn't further tempt me this evening. I put them in the back of a drawer that I rarely open, hoping that I might forget about them and thereby be less tempted by them as well. We'll see...
As I worked out in the fitness center this evening I thought about my month-long sugar binge and my week-long sugar fast. (Ok, so I wasn't completely sugar-free, I had natural fruit sugars, and some low-sugar instant oatmeal, and even some protein bars as snacks, but I didn't have candy and sweets they way I had been for pretty much all of February, so I'm pretty ok with calling it a sugar fast. I was back to my somewhat regular amounts of sugar.) But as I was saying, my week-long sugar fast. I was feeling so much more comfortable in my own skin. No longer bloated. My face was clearing up. My joints are less achy and my body less fatigued. I feel more energetic. In other words, I feel more like the best version of myself.
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| Truth |
What to do? What to do?
To be honest, I'm not totally sure, what I'm going to do, but I really like the way I'm feeling now and don't want to go back to how I was feeling in February. If I hold on to that, it's easy to stay away from eating the cookies. But what do I do with them? Because, come on- they are GIRL SCOUT COOKIES! Only once a year. I can't just throw them out. And I'm not sure I want to just give them all away. I want to taste at least a few cookies, because they are just a once a year treat. But I don't want to go overboard on the sugar and blow my diet and bring back all the above negative feelings.
So I've decided to do nothing. I'm going to keep them in my desk. That way I don't feel like I'm being deprived (which I would if f I were to just get rid of them all). I can know in my mind that they are there if I really want some. But I'm going to set a loving limit of just once a week (so for this week I've already had my one time). Too much sugar in one week will make me feel really yucky and I want to feel really fabulous when I go dancing this week- not the bloated and uncomfortable, self-conscious feeling I felt the last couple weeks.
On second thought, maybe I'll move them up to a really high cupboard in the classroom so they are a little harder to get without some work. I mean, after all, they ARE Girl Scout Cookies!
Sunday, January 18, 2015
Work In Progress
A guy I was dating recently admitted to me that he has watched porn. The topic came up because we were talking about things we've given up for Lent in the past. He said he gave up porn for Lent a few years ago after watching the movie "Don Juan". "Good for him," I thought, and then moved on. But that admission of his has come back to haunt me on several occasions.
One of those occasions was last night. I could feel in my body tension and anxiety, but wasn't completely sure why. Instead of ignoring it, I decided to dig in to see what it was. As I started peeling back the layers, I realized that it was anxiety about his porn admission and insecurities about my body.
If he's watched porn in the past, does he still watch it now?
Did he give it up completely starting in Lent, or did he go back to it after Lent was over?
What does he think of my body?
I can dress up nice enough and flatter my figure, but what if he were to see me in a bathing suit?
What would he think of the jiggly thighs, flappy arms, and belly pooch? The tummy that will always have extra skin no matter how many crunches I do?
My body will never be like a model's, super model or otherwise. I've gained and lost weight several times over the years. My skin may never shrink back. I have stretch marks. And on good days I can look in the mirror and say to myself, "I look damn good. I'm proud of how I look now." I feel comfortable in my own skin.
...But what does HE think? I feel afraid that he will compare my body to other women, porn stars, models, or even the girl at the next table. I feel afraid that I will always have this fear. Will I ever be comfortable enough in my own skin that I won't question what my man thinks of my body?
I cried a lot over these questions and fears last night. And today I read this article on Huffington post (read it here) that really resonated with some of the things I'd been thinking and feeling. Here's an excerpt:
I didn't lose half my body weight, but I lost about 100 pounds- a very significant amount. I thought some things in life would get easier. And I was right, some things did. And some things didn't, which I knew would happen, too. I just didn't realize this would all be so hard and result in so many tears. The blog article's author's story isn't completely like mine, but I "get" a lot of what she was saying.
I know dating is hard. All relationships are hard. The first few months were great. He seemed practically perfect. I knew we would discover each other's faults. I knew at some point I would come down from Cloud Nine and rejoin the real world, no longer looking through rose-colored glasses. Is that what this is- taking the glasses off and putting my feet back on solid ground?
I know at some point I'll have to talk with him about the porn if we are to have a relationship. I know I'll have to keep addressing my body-image issues. Tears are very close to the surface here. These are hard issues and are scary (and everything seems worse at night, as my mom often says). Praying for peace- John 14:27 (27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.).
One of those occasions was last night. I could feel in my body tension and anxiety, but wasn't completely sure why. Instead of ignoring it, I decided to dig in to see what it was. As I started peeling back the layers, I realized that it was anxiety about his porn admission and insecurities about my body.
If he's watched porn in the past, does he still watch it now?
Did he give it up completely starting in Lent, or did he go back to it after Lent was over?
What does he think of my body?
I can dress up nice enough and flatter my figure, but what if he were to see me in a bathing suit?
What would he think of the jiggly thighs, flappy arms, and belly pooch? The tummy that will always have extra skin no matter how many crunches I do?
My body will never be like a model's, super model or otherwise. I've gained and lost weight several times over the years. My skin may never shrink back. I have stretch marks. And on good days I can look in the mirror and say to myself, "I look damn good. I'm proud of how I look now." I feel comfortable in my own skin.
...But what does HE think? I feel afraid that he will compare my body to other women, porn stars, models, or even the girl at the next table. I feel afraid that I will always have this fear. Will I ever be comfortable enough in my own skin that I won't question what my man thinks of my body?
I cried a lot over these questions and fears last night. And today I read this article on Huffington post (read it here) that really resonated with some of the things I'd been thinking and feeling. Here's an excerpt:
After losing half my body weight, I somehow thought that life would get easier. Somehow, I thought that all of this would be easier. But as it turns out, it's harder. It's more frustrating and far more painful living in this body than it ever was living in my 300-pound one.
...Losing the weight doesn't necessarily fix anything. And losing that much weight doesn't necessarily land you in a bikini body, either. I have back fat. I will probably always have back fat. I don't have the money to undergo a full plastic surgery reconstruction and I'm not sure I'm vain enough to undergo such a procedure if I did. So at the moment, this is me. This is my body. This is my back fat. And this is my arm fat, and waist fat and butt fat.
I didn't lose half my body weight, but I lost about 100 pounds- a very significant amount. I thought some things in life would get easier. And I was right, some things did. And some things didn't, which I knew would happen, too. I just didn't realize this would all be so hard and result in so many tears. The blog article's author's story isn't completely like mine, but I "get" a lot of what she was saying.
I know dating is hard. All relationships are hard. The first few months were great. He seemed practically perfect. I knew we would discover each other's faults. I knew at some point I would come down from Cloud Nine and rejoin the real world, no longer looking through rose-colored glasses. Is that what this is- taking the glasses off and putting my feet back on solid ground?
I know at some point I'll have to talk with him about the porn if we are to have a relationship. I know I'll have to keep addressing my body-image issues. Tears are very close to the surface here. These are hard issues and are scary (and everything seems worse at night, as my mom often says). Praying for peace- John 14:27 (27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.).
This will be a work in progress. This body acceptance. This blog post. This issue about his porn viewing, if I decide to see him again. This life is a work in progress.
Friday, January 9, 2015
A Few More Thoughts
A few more thoughts about last night's blog that I forgot to include because I was exhausted.
At times this week when I've been feeling low and not loving my body because I was uncomfortable in my own skin, I wanted him to hold me. When he holds my hand or holds me in his arms, my worries fade away. I feel desired. I feel beautiful. I feel perfect just as I am. While it's not bad to feel that way when with my guy, shouldn't those feelings first come from within? Shouldn't I make myself feel desired, beautiful, and perfect just as I am?
While I don't want to "should" all over myself, I do know that on one side of the coin, I shouldn't need anyone else to make me feel this way (just me and God), But on the other side, it's nice to have someone who makes you feel that way.
At times this week when I've been feeling low and not loving my body because I was uncomfortable in my own skin, I wanted him to hold me. When he holds my hand or holds me in his arms, my worries fade away. I feel desired. I feel beautiful. I feel perfect just as I am. While it's not bad to feel that way when with my guy, shouldn't those feelings first come from within? Shouldn't I make myself feel desired, beautiful, and perfect just as I am?
While I don't want to "should" all over myself, I do know that on one side of the coin, I shouldn't need anyone else to make me feel this way (just me and God), But on the other side, it's nice to have someone who makes you feel that way.
Sunday, January 4, 2015
The Butt, The Belly, and Self-Image
I got some new pants after Christmas. They make my butt look great. But I have to be careful or they show off a little muffin top when I'm bloated.. (Additional incentive to eat well and continue my fitness plan- my clothes look better on me.)
After a few days of being back from vacation and back to my usual workout routine my body and mind are feeling a lot better. I woke up this morning feeling pretty good about myself- until I looked at myself naked in the mirror. I saw a belly that's pouchy and a butt with some extra dimples.
When I see that I want to keep it covered. I feel grateful that it's winter and bathing suits are out of season. I feel grateful for spanx and spandex that help put things in place when dressing up. And I wonder if I can ever do enough crunches or lunges to put things back where they belong.
On days like today where I've been eating well and taking care of myself, I let those thoughts slip quickly from my mind. But I know there will probably be other days where those thoughts will nag and linger. Those are the days I fight to remember how far I've come. I fight to forgive myself for the damage I did to my body for so long and the abuse I put it through.
My body will never look the same as someone who had always maintained this healthy weight. My body bears the scars of someone whose weight has gone up and down and up again for several years. But my body is amazing and resilient. It has brought me this far and now I plan to take good care of it so it can take me many years into the future.
To my body- I'm sorry and thank you. I am grateful for your strength and support.
After a few days of being back from vacation and back to my usual workout routine my body and mind are feeling a lot better. I woke up this morning feeling pretty good about myself- until I looked at myself naked in the mirror. I saw a belly that's pouchy and a butt with some extra dimples.When I see that I want to keep it covered. I feel grateful that it's winter and bathing suits are out of season. I feel grateful for spanx and spandex that help put things in place when dressing up. And I wonder if I can ever do enough crunches or lunges to put things back where they belong.
On days like today where I've been eating well and taking care of myself, I let those thoughts slip quickly from my mind. But I know there will probably be other days where those thoughts will nag and linger. Those are the days I fight to remember how far I've come. I fight to forgive myself for the damage I did to my body for so long and the abuse I put it through.
My body will never look the same as someone who had always maintained this healthy weight. My body bears the scars of someone whose weight has gone up and down and up again for several years. But my body is amazing and resilient. It has brought me this far and now I plan to take good care of it so it can take me many years into the future.
To my body- I'm sorry and thank you. I am grateful for your strength and support.
Friday, August 8, 2014
Here We Go Again
Time to be honest with myself. I don't like the way I've been eating the last two weeks. I made excuses that it was hard to eat at home because of the clutter from unpacking and that it was easier to eat out. But really, hamburgers, ice cream, and french fries with every meal are not a good choice (even if they're from Chik-fil-A?).
I told myself it would be ok- I was burning extra calories from the manual labor of moving boxes and unpacking. ...and then I stepped on the scale last weekend to discover that I had undone most of the good I had done at my last weigh in (losing over three pounds). I'm up a pound and a half. Argh.
I started making small changes, better choices in my eating this week on some occasions. I started back on my walking (treadmill or elliptical machine) a few times. One time when we (my roommate and I) were out running errands I asked to find somewhere healthy; we found a grocery store where I got a fresh Cobb salad (yum- hard boiled eggs and bacon!). And yesterday, instead of suggesting we go grab lunch, I made a salad instead (50/50 spring mix, goat cheese, pecans, some fresh cherries (sliced), and balsamic vinaigrette).
Despite making these small, better changes I'm still up that pound and a half; the scale hasn't moved down again this week. I think it's the ice cream, hamburger with onion rings, etc. that I also ate this week. It's no wonder I woke up with a stomach ache this morning and negative self-thoughts going through my head.
So, I just listened.
I listened for a moment to the negative self-thoughts (I'm getting so fat. I can't believe I'm doing this. etc.) and then I stopped. Why am I thinking this way, I asked myself. It's the food, I realized. Not only does it make me feel bloated and upset my stomach, it's also somehow connected to my thinking. I've been eating some not good for me food, so I'm feeling not good and thinking not good. And in that moment - not the times I've stepped on the scale this week to check my weight, not the times I ordered the crappy food knowing it wasn't good for me, not the times I woke up with stomach aches, not the times I complained to myself about the breakouts on my chin caused by eating crappy food - in the moment I stopped to listen to my body, to really listen, I heard the answer.
I need to stop what I'm doing and make a change because it's affecting the way I feel physically and the way I think about myself. I like myself. I love myself. I love my new body and how amazing it is that my body has carried me to this point in my life. I love that my body is continually changing. I love that my body allows me to pick up heavy boxes, run (ok, slowly jog) on the treadmill, do lunges and squats (even though I hate doing them), and I love my body because it's beautiful.
So here's to me and to another chance today to listen to myself and take care of my beautiful, wonderful body and all that it allows me to do.
I told myself it would be ok- I was burning extra calories from the manual labor of moving boxes and unpacking. ...and then I stepped on the scale last weekend to discover that I had undone most of the good I had done at my last weigh in (losing over three pounds). I'm up a pound and a half. Argh.
I started making small changes, better choices in my eating this week on some occasions. I started back on my walking (treadmill or elliptical machine) a few times. One time when we (my roommate and I) were out running errands I asked to find somewhere healthy; we found a grocery store where I got a fresh Cobb salad (yum- hard boiled eggs and bacon!). And yesterday, instead of suggesting we go grab lunch, I made a salad instead (50/50 spring mix, goat cheese, pecans, some fresh cherries (sliced), and balsamic vinaigrette).
Despite making these small, better changes I'm still up that pound and a half; the scale hasn't moved down again this week. I think it's the ice cream, hamburger with onion rings, etc. that I also ate this week. It's no wonder I woke up with a stomach ache this morning and negative self-thoughts going through my head.
So, I just listened.
I listened for a moment to the negative self-thoughts (I'm getting so fat. I can't believe I'm doing this. etc.) and then I stopped. Why am I thinking this way, I asked myself. It's the food, I realized. Not only does it make me feel bloated and upset my stomach, it's also somehow connected to my thinking. I've been eating some not good for me food, so I'm feeling not good and thinking not good. And in that moment - not the times I've stepped on the scale this week to check my weight, not the times I ordered the crappy food knowing it wasn't good for me, not the times I woke up with stomach aches, not the times I complained to myself about the breakouts on my chin caused by eating crappy food - in the moment I stopped to listen to my body, to really listen, I heard the answer.
I need to stop what I'm doing and make a change because it's affecting the way I feel physically and the way I think about myself. I like myself. I love myself. I love my new body and how amazing it is that my body has carried me to this point in my life. I love that my body is continually changing. I love that my body allows me to pick up heavy boxes, run (ok, slowly jog) on the treadmill, do lunges and squats (even though I hate doing them), and I love my body because it's beautiful.
So here's to me and to another chance today to listen to myself and take care of my beautiful, wonderful body and all that it allows me to do.
Monday, June 23, 2014
Old Me - New Me
It's been a heck of a day. Apartment hunting. Online. Long-distance. With a roommate from another state. (She and I are both going to be newbies at the same school this fall.) AND missing my boyfriend who left for the Navy four days ago. Going to his storage unit to drop off some things and pick up some other things. AND it was hot out today.
I'm pooped.
The old me would've found some way to muster up energy to go to the grocery store for a pint of Ben & Jerry's. Or stopped somewhere to get chocolate. Or just guzzled from the bottle of Hershey's syrup in the fridge.
The new me knows that 1- it won't make me feel better and 2- the calories aren't worth it.
I just need to sit with my feelings and be ok with missing my boyfriend, crying when I need to, and accepting that these are temporary feelings. I also need to find another way to soothe myself.
I know a walk would make me feel better, but I'm not going to "should" myself into taking a walk. Instead, I'm going to allow myself to sit on my butt in front of the TV and knit without telling myself I should be going for a walk, or I should be water the plants, or I should be.... because what I should be doing is honoring my body, listening to how my body feels, and allowing my feelings to just be feelings and not dictate what I eat or anything else.
Feelings are just feelings. I like the new me. I'm proud of the new me. The new me is 50 pounds lighter than the old me at the start of this year.
I'm pooped.
The old me would've found some way to muster up energy to go to the grocery store for a pint of Ben & Jerry's. Or stopped somewhere to get chocolate. Or just guzzled from the bottle of Hershey's syrup in the fridge.
The new me knows that 1- it won't make me feel better and 2- the calories aren't worth it.
I just need to sit with my feelings and be ok with missing my boyfriend, crying when I need to, and accepting that these are temporary feelings. I also need to find another way to soothe myself.
I know a walk would make me feel better, but I'm not going to "should" myself into taking a walk. Instead, I'm going to allow myself to sit on my butt in front of the TV and knit without telling myself I should be going for a walk, or I should be water the plants, or I should be.... because what I should be doing is honoring my body, listening to how my body feels, and allowing my feelings to just be feelings and not dictate what I eat or anything else.
Feelings are just feelings. I like the new me. I'm proud of the new me. The new me is 50 pounds lighter than the old me at the start of this year.
Thursday, May 15, 2014
Milestone Reached!
As I mentioned in previous posts, I created a calendar of goals for each month. I also had some overall goals of things I wanted to be able to do again. Last night I reached on of those overall goals; I climbed a rock wall again!
Over a month ago I signed up for an open climb night at my local REI and for various reasons had to keep postponing it. Last night I almost didn't go because it had been a long hot day, I was tired, my body wasn't well rested so I knew it wouldn't be able to perform at it's best, and I was scared that maybe I wasn't ready. I talked to a friend whom I hoped to see later that evening and he encouraged me to go and have fun. I'm so glad I did!
The instructors were great; very positive and encouraging and engaging of all the climbers. There were four climbers and two belayers (instructors from REI) so we all took turns climbing. I kind of got pushed into being first up. Since I was not sure if my body was ready for this I decided to tackle the easiest part of the wall (a 5.4, I believe, for those who know rating scales, that only went half-way up). I got so close to the bell at the top of the section, and wouldn't you know it- I looked down and lost my nerve.
I repelled back down a little disappointed and frustrated. I had almost reached my goal- to get at least half-way up- I was proud of myself for trying and for getting up there and doing it, but at the same time a little embarrassed and self-conscious as I watched the other three climbers scramble up the wall to the very top on harder sections. Of course, they also came with their own gear and have been climbing more recently than I have. It's been about 7 years since I last climbed a rock wall, so I was able to let go of that judgment and give myself grace. I had done my best. Or had I?
With a little goading/encouragement from the male staffer belaying us I decided to try the other 5.4 section that went all the way to the top. He said the grips were bigger and easier. I don't think I got more than 20 feet off the ground before I got frustrated. I didn't know where to go for the next grip and I was angry with myself. I hung out there for a sec and then in another moment of embarrassment asked to come back down.
I had some internal conversations with myself. My goal had been to climb again- I'd done that. My goal for that night was to get at least half-way up- I hadn't done that. So was I done, or was I going to try one more time? ...
I decided to try the first section one more time. I scrambled up quickly to about the point where I had
previously quit. And then I got up one more step. The bell at the top of my section was almost within reach! And I couldn't find a good spot for my foot to give myself the final push to ring the bell! I was mad and determined to not quit! I found a spot that was where I wanted it but not quite as big as I would have liked. I put my foot on it, found some good hand holds and stood up. And there was the bell! I tapped it. It gave a little jingle. Not nearly enough noise to signal my accomplishment so I grabbed the thing and shook it again, hard! I climbed the wall! And I made it to my goal! I rock!
I repelled back down with a big smile on my face and restored confidence in my body. It has taken a lot of abuse over the years; all the crap food I've eat and the neglect I've given it, but it still was able to help me get up the rock wall and make it to my goal. Thank you, body!
I'm going to keep working on improving my fitness and next time I go back to the wall maybe I'll make it three-fourths of the way up- or maybe even to the top! Let's see what else this body can do!
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| The rock wall at REI |
The instructors were great; very positive and encouraging and engaging of all the climbers. There were four climbers and two belayers (instructors from REI) so we all took turns climbing. I kind of got pushed into being first up. Since I was not sure if my body was ready for this I decided to tackle the easiest part of the wall (a 5.4, I believe, for those who know rating scales, that only went half-way up). I got so close to the bell at the top of the section, and wouldn't you know it- I looked down and lost my nerve.
I repelled back down a little disappointed and frustrated. I had almost reached my goal- to get at least half-way up- I was proud of myself for trying and for getting up there and doing it, but at the same time a little embarrassed and self-conscious as I watched the other three climbers scramble up the wall to the very top on harder sections. Of course, they also came with their own gear and have been climbing more recently than I have. It's been about 7 years since I last climbed a rock wall, so I was able to let go of that judgment and give myself grace. I had done my best. Or had I?
With a little goading/encouragement from the male staffer belaying us I decided to try the other 5.4 section that went all the way to the top. He said the grips were bigger and easier. I don't think I got more than 20 feet off the ground before I got frustrated. I didn't know where to go for the next grip and I was angry with myself. I hung out there for a sec and then in another moment of embarrassment asked to come back down.
I had some internal conversations with myself. My goal had been to climb again- I'd done that. My goal for that night was to get at least half-way up- I hadn't done that. So was I done, or was I going to try one more time? ...
I decided to try the first section one more time. I scrambled up quickly to about the point where I had
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| The section of the wall that I climbed. |
I repelled back down with a big smile on my face and restored confidence in my body. It has taken a lot of abuse over the years; all the crap food I've eat and the neglect I've given it, but it still was able to help me get up the rock wall and make it to my goal. Thank you, body!
I'm going to keep working on improving my fitness and next time I go back to the wall maybe I'll make it three-fourths of the way up- or maybe even to the top! Let's see what else this body can do!
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