If You Give a Teacher A Plan...

It's the night before the end of the quarter and I'm totally relaxed. It's the weirdest feeling ever.

Normally, teachers are frantically entering grades, writing comments, and all sorts of other end of quarter projects. But I'm pretty chill. And this is a first. No, I didn't forget something (or some things). I spread out my projects and started them earlier, giving myself earlier deadlines.

I did this because I knew what I wanted tonight to be like. I did not want the usual late night at school, either having a late dinner once I finally got home at 9 pm, ordering pizza delivers to school and eating most or all of it because I'm stressed, or skipping dinner altogether. I wanted a night with dinner at home before going to dance lessons. I wanted a night with a normal meal time. I wanted a night where I can get well rested for the big event after a full day of teaching tomorrow.

I wanted a low stress day. So I planned for it.

Best. Plan. Ever.

Planning to stagger my deadlines and get things done early allowed me to take care of my life outside of work. Because I didn't have to stay late to finish all those things, I got to eat a healthy, homemade dinner within the time frame my body needs to eat each day.

And because I ate a healthy homemade dinner within my eating window, I will sleep well tonight.

And because I got home to eat in my time frame, I was able to go to my dance lesson.

And because my school work is done, my dinner eaten in my eating window, and my dance lesson attended, I will sleep well tonight, well rested and ready for a very full day to wrap up the third quarter.

All thanks to good planning.

If I can do this with my school work and eating habits, I should do this with my finances....

Week Four Intentions

This weekend I got the news that my grandma is declining in health much faster than expected. She probably only has a few days left. It was shocking news, because only last weekend I talked with her on the phone. Yesterday, I could only talk to her, she couldn't reply with words.

Knowing myself and that I feel things deeply and express my feelings deeply, I'm going to have a lot of deep feelings coming up over the next several days. And all those feelings will take a mental and physical toll on me. So how do I intend to care for myself?

This week, I intend to:
* make a healthy dinner that's easy, buy salad kits or hot lunch, and keep breakfast and snacks simple, healthy, and easy
* go for a walk every day
* take extras of my plate of "should dos" because I need to limit my mental stress
* keep up on my bible study assignments each day

That's it. Only four things. I chose the four things that would be most loving and nurturing for myself because I know these will help me best manage my stress level this week and care for myself.

Resolution

I have definitely overdone it today. I have had way too much sugar. Not just today but the last several weeks. But I can tell today I've had too much sugar. Without even tracking it, I know. I can feel it in my body. I feel sluggish and happy. I am going to track it. I did track it. And as I wrote it all down I have a lot of regret. And as I feel the effects of it in my body I have a lot of regrets.

Did you overdo anything today? Or this holiday season?

We have the choice to start again. To try again tomorrow. Each day is a fresh start. No need to wait for the new year or the new week to start. Choose the next hour even to start making better choices.

I had a lot of regret after our birthday cake and ice cream dinner. I tried to compensate by eating veggies and some protein afterwards. I wasn't hungry. I ate any way to be social. I am just really off my game. I've got some mental stress staying with me from work and it's throwing me off my game of making good choices with my food.

I'm going to go do some private journaling this evening to try to clear my mind of the work stress. I need to come up with a game plan for handling the work stress, so that I can get back to healthier habits. The work stuff is taking up too much energy and I'm tired of it. I need to use my energy on things that fulfill me and bring me joy. Stress does not bring me joy. Anxiety does not bring me joy. The solution to this is to take some time for reflection and develop a plan.

So my resolution, starting right now not in 2019, but right now this minute as to come up with a plan for dealing with the stress at work and focus my energy on that plan and taking better care of myself. What's your resolution? Your plan for making tonight better than today? Tomorrow better than the day before? Don't wait for 2019. Start now. We got this!

It's Ok to Cry

I need a moment.

I feel tears welling up and ready to spill if I let them.

My trainer keeps telling me to find ways to manage my stress better. No eating or drinking away the stress. Reduce my stress he says.

I KNOW! Seriously, I'm not trying to seek it out. Life is happening. Events are conflicting with my plans for me. Surprises are popping up; some wanted, some not. Health issues. Relationship issues. Work issues.

Adulting is hard.

And sometimes tears are the best way for me to feel my feelings and let them wash over me so that I can move on.

Sometimes I need to do this alone. Sometimes I want to be held. But almost always I just need to feel the feelings and let the tears flow so that I can move on.

I'm gonna be ok.

I AM ok.

But in this moment this is hard. No judgment. It is what it is and that's ok.

My Shoulders Were Up To My Ears

I have been so stressed the last several days. My body filled with tension and pain. My shoulders were up to my ears and has huge, painful knots. I wasn't relaxed.  I couldn't relax. My body wouldn't let go.

I went to Westify, a west coast swing social, last night. During the lesson, my instructor kept telling me to drop my shoulders and release the tension so I would have a better connection. I couldn't.  I couldn't do it. At least not naturally. I really had to think hard about relaxing and dropping my shoulders.

And it hurt! Oh man did it hurt to drop my shoulders down. But I kept trying. I kept focusing on that part of my connection. And counting.

Connection and counting.

And guess what! A few hours later, I realized my shoulders didn't hurt and they had dropped out of my ears. I was relaxed again. Focusing on the connection and counting got me out of my head and into my body. I was able to let go of the things weighing on me. ....and to think, I almost didn't go last night! That would've been a great loss.

I need more dancing in my life!

Thank you to Bill, Kevin, Josh, Martin, Robert, Jay, Jeremy and many others for your help in my de-stressing!

The Scale

It's up again.

It was down. Now it's up again. What is going on? I'm doing everything right. Following my trainer's guidelines. But the scale keeps creeping up.

I know it's just a number. But it's bothering me. In the back of my mind I still have this fear that I'll balloon up again.

I'm trying to balance it out with positive self-talk. Reminders of how far I've come. A few pounds back doesn't mean I've lost the war.

I check in with my body to see how it feels. *deep breaths, hands on chest and stomach to check in* I feel stressed. I can feel tension in my shoulders. Lots of tension. It's the end of the school year and this has been a rough one.

I also feel comfortable in my skin. I don't feel fat. I don't feel overweight. I don't feel bloated. I feel good. Hmmm... but my pants do feel a bit snugger. I have a bit of a muffin top. I can work on that.

So, maybe I do need to get the scale number to go down a bit, but I also need to remember that I'm stressed and stress doesn't help the scale numbers or my body look or feel good. I'm going to do my best to get through the last two weeks of school. Then we'll see where things fall when that stressor is gone. I'm doing the best that I can right now....

Keep Going

It finally shifted.

Since March I've been struggling with health issues and convalescence. During that time my weight fluctuated a lot. I did fairly well keeping the weight off while I was sick because I didn't have much of an appetite. However, afterwards, while on the road to recovery (convalescence) I started eating more again, though I didn't have the energy or strength to get back to my usual physical activities. My weight started to creep up, my waist line got softer and a little fuller. I didn't look or feel like my healthy self.

The physical stress started to lead to mental stress, and on top of that piled usual end-of-the-school-year stress at work. I felt like I was in a downward health spiral as the weight didn't go down and the stress went up. I was battling a depression because of things.

Though I felt physically better, I wasn't back to where I was before the illness and needed to remember to give myself time to get there. During my depression I struggled with feeling like I had regressed to where I was a year ago, before my running and before my months of hard work with my trainer. I kept beating myself up. I talked with my trainer and my psychotherapist to help get some perspective. I wasn't giving myself compassion and love during my recovery time.

So I took a snapshot of my weight loss journey and kept it on my phone as a reminder of how far I've come. Yes, the past few months have been a struggle, but I needed to remember how far I have come and remember that it was only a minor setback, not a total loss.

The past few weeks I've really rededicated myself to better eating and physical activity. My trainer and I have tweaked some things on my nutritional goals. I was frustrated at not seeing anything different after the first week. This week, though, something happened. After two weeks of hard work, something shifted.

I knew last night that my body was feeling different. My clothes felt different and looked different on me. And this morning the scale reflected what my body had revealed the night before. The weight is shifting. And just a small change, but it's spurring me on to not give up. I just needed to keep focused on my goals and the things that would get me there: a good night's sleep, moving more, eating well, drinking plenty of water, and lowering my stress by doing things to take care of myself. It can all be summed up by a favorite quote I've seen and shared before:

Refocusing...aka- my plan to stay away from sugar!

I've had WAY too much sugar this week!

I took a nap after work because I felt exhausted. I didn't sleep well last night- because I sugar and stress yesterday. I was drained today- because of sugar and stress. I slept horribly during my nap this afternoon- because of sugar and stress.

I tossed and turned feeling anxious and having an upset stomach. I finally gave up on sleeping and had a text chat with my mom. I realized that I needed to "listen to my gut" and get away from the sugar. It was making me sick and the stress worse. And I realized that I needed to go for a run, no matter how painful it would be because of the achy joints caused by sugar.

As I ran, my playlist  again got to the songs that brought me back on Tuesday. I focused on hearing the music and feeling the joy of moving. And, I decided that I needed to make a plan.

After getting off the treadmill, I wrote my first couple steps to my plan:
1- No more sweets until my birthday. Then, one treat with my family. Then, no more sweets again.
2- Eat a good dinner tonight: filet mignon, stir fried veggies, and quinoa. (And yes, it was as awesome as it sounds.)

And now I've added a few more:
3- Drink a lot of water to flush out my system.
4- Pack lots of healthy food to take to work tomorrow so I have good options to help me avoid temptation.
5- Go to bed early and (try to) get a good night's sleep to help reduce stress.
6- Turn off the technology early to help my brain unwind so I can sleep.

....so, good night!

Life Space

"Give him space," they said. 

"If he loves you, he'll come back," they said. 

Scrolled across these words today... perfect timing!

I know THEY all meant well, but I was too afraid to let go. I was too afraid that he wouldn't come back. I was afraid of giving up something I really wanted: a loving relationship with a Christian man. I was desperate to keep it.

What I needed to hear, and what I finally told myself this weekend, was to give MYSELF space. To live my life and give myself space to be me. I had spent so much time and energy trying to keep him that I lost myself, made myself crazy, and I'm pretty sure made him crazy and question our relationship.

The devotion that this quote is from
helped start my day right.
Go to Proverbs 31 ministries to view this devotion
and to sign up for more like this to be delivered to your inbox.

Many times I feared that I'd lost him. And some of the time I would get a quick message from him saying he loves me, but those weren't often and I found myself starving for, living for those words, anxiously awaiting any contact from him. I was driving myself nuts, and the people around me.

This weekend I gave myself permission to let go, keep going, and be present - not living for when he and I will be together again. I'm not saying I'm done with the relationship, but I am giving myself space to be present in my life. To be here for myself, for my students, and for my family. And when I gave myself that permission a huge weight lifted. I feel so much less stress, so much less tension and pain in my body, and thankfully so much less emotional.

I don't know if giving him space and myself space will make him come back, but there is great freedom in letting go of trying to control everything. I can only control myself and that is a huge blessing.

Words I needed to hear today.

Day 24

That's how many days it's been since we broke up.

That's how many days I've been unable to stop eating sugar.

That's how many days I've been punishing my body with food because he broke my heart.

I didn't realize it until recently, I had been afraid to admit it, but I had fallen in love with him. It happened simply. The early days of infatuation turned into a comfortable friendship, more than friendship, love.

I loved him.

And there are (still) some days where I can't help buy cry because I miss him in my life.

I was driving the other day, a friend was letting me use their car, and burst into tears. I couldn't figure out how to work their Sirius radio. He came to mind. He has Sirius radio in his car, he would know how to change the channel. But I can't call him because he broke up with me. On Super Bowl Sunday. So I bawled as I drove down the road, because I couldn't change the station on the Sirius radio which reminded me of him, so I turned the whole darned thing off.

Just now I started crying again as I lay in bed reading and trying to fall asleep. I've started talking to other guys again. But only half-heartedly. I guess I'm not ready to move on yet.

But why, why, WHY do I keep punishing my body by eating food I don't want to eat, sneaking sweets I know will only make me feel worse? Because they are addicting. Because for so much of my previous life I used food to "comfort" me- it was better to feel a stomach ache from too much food or too many sweets than to feel emotional pain. Because I'm still learning to take care of myself in new ways.

And because a broken heart takes time to heal. Especially when you didn't earlier admit you were in love and it took you three weeks to admit that your heart had been broken.

I *Think* I May Be Stressed

I think I may be stressed.

Yah, I'm pretty sure I am. Last month was rough. There was a lot going on at school: Epiphany program which included daytime practices and an evening performance, National Lutheran Schools Week which included special dress-up days and some special events, Social Studies fair which included special classroom activities and an evening event, and that's just the work-related stuff.

I do try to have a life outside of school, though sometimes that's hard. We teachers take home papers to grade and lessons to plan, so even when the end of the day bell rings we aren't actually done with work. We could spend several hours a night on those two things alone, if we let ourselves.

I also try to take care of myself physically by cooking more at home and exercising regularly. Last month that was kind of sketchy, though by some miracle of miracles I finally managed to hit the 100 pound  mark on the last day of the month.

I know I didn't eat as well as I could have. My upset stomach most of the month and red spots currently residing on my face are proof of that. After a year of focusing on taking care of myself and noticing how my body feels in response to what I eat and the exercise I get, you'd think I'd have learned by now.

Yet here I am today, blogging about how stressed I am. I feel crappy. Yesterday I got up and weighed in and was riding a high for a few hours after discovering that I'd finally hit the 100 pound mark. So I treated myself to a lunch at Chipotle and ate 1100 calories which made me feel awful. To top that off, I ate 4 pieces of carb-loaded, greasy pizza for dinner. I don't think I had a single fruit or vegetable yesterday, except for a few dismal slivers of green pepper on the supreme supreme pizza and boy am I feeling it today.

I woke up exhausted, despite getting about 10 hours of sleep. I'm pretty sure it's a combination of having had a busy, long week last week at the end of a long month AND not eating well yesterday. So how do I feel this morning?

I'm slightly freaking out. Friday my date was great and things seemed back to normal. Today, the scale says I'm 2.3 pounds heavier than I was yesterday morning so I'm feeling bloated and uncomfortable in my own skin and questioning my relationship with the guy. The big question: Is he seeing anyone else and do I want to ask? Because if the answer is yes, than I may want to stay in my blissfully ignorant state. If the answer is no then life can go on as before.

I feel like crawling into a cave today and hiding, after I workout, of course. A cave where I can eat vegetables and fruit to hopefully make my tummy feel better again. But it's Super Bowl Sunday and my team is playing. I've been invited to a party. I know I'll have a good time watching the game, but I also know there will be lots of food. I need a plan, but I'm just feeling so drained I don't want to. Would it be weird to show up with a little lunch bag full of food for just me to eat? You know, healthy stuff so I know there are options I'll feel good about. That might be the plan, or part of the plan.

I hear my phone chirping in the other room, I think the guy responded to an earlier question. Now, do I want to ask the big question or wait until I'm feeling better about myself?.... I think I'll wait. That may be slightly chicken of me, but I also know that in my current state it would probably result in some emotional eating and I don't want to do emotional eating so this is taking care of myself.

Yep, I'm stressed. Football. Relationship. Work. Food. Lack of sleep. Definitely stressed. Time to go do some self-care in the fitness center.

Let's "Slow Down", aka the death of a relationship?

Family relationships. Dating relationships. Roommate relationships. Ahh, the joy of human interactions. Yes, this is one of the topics that has been ruminating in my mind that I've been considering blogging about for a few days.

Let go of the past.

As if dating isn't hard enough on it's own or the holidays aren't stressful enough on their own, combine dating during the holidays and what do you get? A few more gray hairs to hide, I think. Oh, the joys of memories of relationships past: he cheated on me and dumped me over Christmas/New Years. Is the current guy seeing someone else? Will he dump me, too, when I start acting crazy because of old memories, family stress, and sugar crazies? It's enough to make me want to crawl under a rock and hide for two weeks. What do I do instead? Open my big mouth and send a text message.

Yah, we're in this awkward stage where we've been seeing each other regularly now for a few months. I'm not dating anyone else, and I'm pretty sure he's not either. He's my steady guy. I'm not interested in seeing anyone else. I'm pretty sure he likes me a lot. Though he's not good at telling me, he's really good at showing me. He takes me to nice dinners, treats me like a lady, cheers me up when I'm upset or stressed. He's pretty freakin' wonderful.

So, going home for the holidays, when people ask if I'm seeing anyone I say I've got a boyfriend. He's not officially, but it's easier to say that than try to explain all of the above. Back in Seattle I ran into an old (male) acquaintance that I knew from my dance school. We ran into each other twice at different dance events. The second night he tried to kiss me as I left. I saw him coming in and so I turned my head and he got my cheek. I'd previously told him I had a boyfriend. I did later that week tell him that I was angry at him for trying to kiss me when he knew I was seeing someone else. He apologized, sort of. He says he was tipsy from drinking and got carried away because of my pretty smile. (I think it's BS, but decided it wasn't worth calling him on it because I was only in town for a few days and won't likely see him again, at least not for another several months.)

Well, I'd had sugar earlier that day. And I'd had a drink at the dance, so needless to say I was feeling not quite myself. I got home a little after midnight amped up from dancing, my mind turning from the attempted kiss, and my body feeling funny from the sugar. Sleep was not going to come easily.

After tossing and turning for a few hours, I grabbed my phone and texted my steady guy. I confessed the attempted kiss and how I diverted it. And then I told him my desire to be his girlfriend and for him to be my boyfriend because I didn't want anyone else kissing me but him and I didn't want anyone else kissing him but me, and what did he think of that. And then I hit send. Holy crap, what did I just do!?! I turned my phone off, now chicken and afraid of his response, because "what if" all my fears about him cheating on me and dumping me on New Years just like the past relationship guy came true all because I had a freak out at 5 am. I turned my phone back off and tried to go back to sleep.

A few hours later I woke up and turned my phone back on. There was a reply, of course. He said I'm a special woman to him, but he's not ready for that relationship status. In the light of day, maybe I'm not either, but now what? How do I act? How do we go forward? I start freaking out again and send him another text. I should have just left it alone, but in typical girl (or just me) fashion, I text back. After a couple messages back and forth he sends the dreaded "maybe we should slow down". Holy crap, what have I done!?

I replied, of course, not smart enough yet, or awake enough yet, to realize I should have stopped several messages ago, in fact probably should never have replied to his response in the first place. After a couple more messages I stop and turn my phone off. His last words to me "Don't worry about it. Enjoy your vacation." And in the back of my mind his words keep swirling around "maybe we should slow down."

How can I not  worry about it and enjoy my vacation now after the stupid things I just said in texts? In my mind I start thinking "that's it, this relationship is over, and I've killed it. This is all my fault. I should never have messaged him at 5 am; I'm an idiot." Thankfully my mother and a good friend talk me down and support my decision to not message him. They help me stay strong and wait.

I try to go forward to enjoy the last few days of my vacation. It's not easy. I keep finding occasions when I want to text him something funny, ask him a question, share a picture, but I don't. Saturday and Sunday were long days of waiting. Monday I wake up to a text from him. Nothing terribly exciting, just a comment about the weather in SLC, but the best news from him after a few days of radio silence.

The relationship did not die. I gave him some space; he gave me some in return. And he picked me up on New Years Eve for dinner followed by a quiet evening watching the ball drop on TV. Not a break-up. He's not the guy I dated in the past. He likes me and he has never lied to me. This guy is different and he'll move at his own pace. We'll move at our own pace. And I'm learning to be ok with that.

Happy New Year

I've had several ideas for Blog post titles and ideas going through my head the last couple days. Too bad I didn't write them down so now I don't know what  great words of wisdom I thought I had to share.

So maybe it doesn't have to be majorly inspiring (awe-inspiring or otherwise), maybe it's ok if this is just about every day life. Here goes.

It's the new year. Any resolutions? No, actually, I've only ever made one resolution in my life (and stuck to it) that I remember. But I do have some goals for this year.

1. Think before I eat.
2. Remember why I started this journey- keep in front of me my goals that I started with last year.
3. Don't let food rule my life and don't let emotions rule my eating.
4. Don't make decisions when I'm feeling out of sorts, other than to get back into sorts by getting a good night's sleep, eat good for me food, and get some physical activity into my day; in other words- take care of myself.

The last two weeks I sort of forgot some of these things. I know, it's the holidays, stress mounts, it's easy to do, but then one might question the importance of those goals in the first place if they are so easily forgotten or set aside. They don't lose their importance during the holidays, in fact I should focus on them even more carefully when I know I will be stressed, as a form of self-care and stress-prevention.

As I sit here writing, I'm over-tired and my stomach is upset with me. I didn't get enough sleep last night and I haven't eaten well today. Not very good self-care. I'm not going to beat myself up, but I am doing some self-observation to remind myself how this came to be and reminding myself of my goals and what I need to do to get back on track.

Note to Self:

What do I need? I need to get to bed soon (but I knew I needed to get some of these thoughts of my head and shared with you so that I would sleep better). I also need to rub some peppermint oil on my belly, drink my peppermint tea, and forgive myself for not eating enough fruit, veggies, and good protein today. I'm coming up with a plan for tomorrow, starting with going to bed soon tonight and heading to the fitness center at the top of my priority list for tomorrow, along with defrosting some chicken so I can cook at home tomorrow instead of eat out.

Knowing these things are making me not feel like my normal, lovely self, I'm observing how I am feeling instead. I'm feeling needy and oh so very short-tempered. I want company, but only someone who will pamper me. I'm not sure it's fair to inflict myself on anyone, so I'm not asking for company. And the poor cat keeps getting pushed off my lap and tossed out of my bedroom. (Somewhat in my defense, every time she goes in my bedroom she chews on my wall decor or the tassels on my throw pillows or knocks my fragile angels on the floor breaking their wings off, so I'm only protecting my things.) Oh, and the darned cat keeps stopping right in front of my feet when I'm walking; and since she's dark gray and small and our apartment is poorly lit she's almost gotten stepped on on a few occasions. And I'm having very little patience with her.

And men. Should I even go there? I just don't understand them. Most of the time I don't think I ever will. Ok, so taking my own advice, I'm going to not make any decisions or assumptions about what this particular one is thinking or feeling. I'm going to go put my pajamas on, turn off my phone, and crawl into bed for a good night's sleep. Maybe my relationship with him (and food!) will look differently (better!) in the morning after a long night's sleep.

Too Full

So, um, yah, ... I over-ate. Too much Christmas dinner. Then, too many Christmas cookies.

I was stuffing to drown out uncomfortable feelings. Sometimes it's easier to be uncomfortable in my own skin by over-eating than to be uncomfortable with feelings. The results? I now have a stomach that is making rumbling noises and feeling stretched to the max. And still have emotional garbage to deal with. Great.

All because holidays are stressful. I came back to the house where I grew up and where I lived again for the past four years. I've only been gone a few months, but I have changed a lot. The way I used to live here is no longer the way I want to live. I've been battling that for the last few days and it is exhausting. 

The second night here I contemplated changing my flight home to leave earlier (Salt Lake City is now home) just because of how overwhelmed I felt. I didn't change my flight; I reminded myself that things are always worse in the middle of the night, and that I should not jump into this decision, but at least I knew I could change flights if it still felt necessary in the light of day.

Today, I again contemplated changing flights home to leave earlier. These last few days have been very hard. I've changed; a lot of things here stayed the same, but not in good ways. I was angry, frustrated, and sad, but I didn't want to spoil the dinner with relatives, so I put on a happy face. I gave myself permission to enjoy my other relatives and then later face my feelings when I was in a safe space.

On the drive home at 5:30 I was exhausted. I wanted to crawl into bed (actually lying on my bed as I write this).  The sad thing is, I still have yet to deal with the feelings that we're making me feel yucky earlier.

Now that several hours have passed these feelings don't seem so overwhelming. (Or is that just because I'm so full that I'm having a hard time feeling emotions?) I am thinking more rationally about the situation. I can make it five more days. (I think. I hope.) But I have a lot of thinking to do as I plan for future trips home, in order to take care of myself and my needs so that I feel safe and taken care of.

Stop the World, I Want to Get Off

I've had it up to here!

I need to give myself an extra measure of grace today.

I'm stressed. I'm tired. I'm tense. I'm ready to cry. The cat keeps meowing (in a come hither, I'm in heat sort of way), I can't get the lid on the plastic container I'm packing, I keep nibbling at the fudge that I'm packaging up to give away (even though I don't want to eat it), my computer is working really slowly (and I might throw it out the window- or through the window!), and ... and I don't understand men.

I know, I know. It's the sugar. Sugar does bad things to me; it makes my body achy and makes my mind play games.

As if this season isn't stressful enough I'm dating a guy (and dating always is stressful). He seems like a pretty good guy. At least most of the time. He cheered me up earlier this evening with some funny texts. Now I want to throttle him. His last message, after I said "good night" was "cheers". Who says "cheers"? Are we toasting and I don't know it?! Or is there some other reason for a casual (platonic friends) greeting? More than likely, I'm reading too much in to this.


Ok, so given the circumstances it's not surprising that I'm feeling stressed and anxious about dating. Yes, there's the whole "sugar makes me kinda crazy thing", but there was a spot in my past where dating at this time of year caused me a lot of hurt. The sugar craze is dredging up that memory. The guy I was dating started talking to another girl while I was gone for Christmas. When he picked me up from the airport on New Years Eve he confessed this all to me and broke up with me. Jerk. So, yah, I'm coming up to this holiday with a little trepidation. I know the guy I'm dating now isn't the guy I was dating back then. I'm pretty sure (like 95%) that he likes me; he's just not good at saying it so it leaves me uncertain sometimes. (And yah, there was another guy I dated who never told me how he felt. Months after I told him I loved him he still hadn't said it back, which is a big reason I broke up with him. I needed to not only see and feel how he felt about me, but I also I needed to hear it. I told him this evening that I like him, in a text, and he never acknowledged or responded. I'm a little hurt.) I know I need to leave the past in the past. I know THIS guy is NOT THOSE guys. But the sugar is making me think crazy thoughts. I need to stop the sugar so I can stop some of the crazy thoughts. I need to stop the sugar so I can think rationally.

I need to stop the sugar. Not only is it making me crazy, it's going to make my body achy and yucky. I already noticed the yucky feeling this afternoon when working out. My body didn't have any energy to really push the cardio because I haven't been fueling it properly. My workout this evening was tough. I'm glad I went and it made me feel a little better, but I don't feel as good after as I usually do.

I need to stop the sugar and get back on track with what I know my body wants and what makes me feel good because I'm seven-tenths of a pound away from my goal weight. 0.7 pounds! And I already printed my Christmas letter saying I met my goal weight this December. I don't want to make a liar out of myself.

Somebody stop me before I drive myself crazy! Oh, wait, that somebody is me.

I'm going to bed. Not getting enough sleep will only add to the stress. So if I can't stop the world and get off, I can at least go to bed and shut the world out for several hours.

Observing Myself

I just noticed that I want to go eat a bunch of the leftover doughnuts and muffins in the kitchen.

Wow. I must be stressed.

I'm overtired. I overslept on Monday. I didn't go to bed early enough Monday night. So far, it's been a rough week.

I'm anxious. How do I play this whole dating situation? Do I write back? Do I not, do I just wait?

I also noticed a few minutes before that I just wanted to cry. Connecting that to the "I want to go eat all the doughnuts" desire, I realized I'm stressed. What is something loving and nurturing I can do for myself right now?

I will remind myself that these are just feelings. They aren't good or bad, they simply are.

I'm also going to give myself permission to cry in a safe space if it will help. And permission to nap when I get home. Then we I get up from my nap I'll have a healthy dinner and exercise. Those things sound loving and nurturing towards myself. Ahh...I love self-care.

How do you care for yourself when you are stressed?

Why Did I Eat That?

Crunchy Oatmeal Cookies
with raisins, dates, and walnuts
YUM!

Why did I eat all those cookies?
How did I eat all those cookies?

We scooted out of work before 4pm today- quite an accomplishment- because we had to be back at 6:30pm for Back to School Night. I changed into some comfy clothes to relax in until needing to go back to work (when I would put my work clothes back on), sat down on the couch with a school project, and started working.

Oh, but before I got to work I grabbed a cookie from the bowl on the counter. Just one, I thought to myself. I started working on labeling the kids names in my recording binder and munched my cookie. I decided to grab two more cookies as I continued to work. Then two more...then two more... pretty soon there were only four left in the bowl.

Ack! I immediately felt shame and embarrassment- what if my roommate sees that almost all of the cookies are gone? What will she think of me? I better hide the evidence. I tried to convince myself that I was saving myself from eating any more cookies as I put them into the freezer. And I WAS saving myself- I was minimizing harm. I ate a lot of cookies, but not ALL of the cookies. But mostly I was trying to hide the evidence from my roommate that I ate a lot of cookies. I was ashamed of myself.

At Back to School Night I started to get a stomach ache. I jokingly told a couple coworkers about all the cookies I ate, saying I must be stressed, trying to laugh off my shame and hoping they wouldn't judge me and think I was a pig. Or fat. Or other terrible things.

I was shocked when one of my coworkers said, "Oh, I know. I can sit down and go through Oreo's without even thinking when I'm stressed." If I were a cartoon my eyes would have bugged out of my head. Here I had judged her thinking she was "normal" and that she would judge me as being a horrible person for eating all those cookies, and I found out she stress eats, too. And then another person chimed in, too. Maybe I'm not such a "bad" person after all. Maybe there's a lot of people who do this. Maybe I don't have to be ashamed. Maybe I'll be ok.

Old Me - New Me

It's been a heck of a day. Apartment hunting. Online. Long-distance. With a roommate from another state. (She and I are both going to be newbies at the same school this fall.) AND missing my boyfriend who left for the Navy four days ago. Going to his storage unit to drop off some things and pick up some other things. AND it was hot out today.

I'm pooped.

The old me would've found some way to muster up energy to go to the grocery store for a pint of Ben & Jerry's. Or stopped somewhere to get chocolate. Or just guzzled from the bottle of Hershey's syrup in the fridge.

The new me knows that 1- it won't make me feel better and 2- the calories aren't worth it.

I just need to sit with my feelings and be ok with missing my boyfriend, crying when I need to, and accepting that these are temporary feelings. I also need to find another way to soothe myself.

I know a walk would make me feel better, but I'm not going to "should" myself into taking a walk. Instead, I'm going to allow myself to sit on my butt in front of the TV and knit without telling myself I should be going for a walk, or I should be water the plants, or I should be.... because what I should be doing is honoring my body, listening to how my body feels, and allowing my feelings to just be feelings and not dictate what I eat or anything else.

Feelings are just feelings. I like the new me. I'm proud of the new me. The new me is 50 pounds lighter than the old me at the start of this year.

Brownies for Breakfast

Ok, so getting back in the saddle again was a little harder than I had anticipated.

I'm still dealing with a great deal of stress so I let myself sleep in a little later than usual, but not too much later. I'm dog-sitting and the dog is on a schedule so I had to get up to let her out to toilet. What did when I got up to take her out? I ate a brownie. Then I took her out. And what did I do after bringing her back in? I ate another brownie.

Hmmm....definitely not part of the plan for the day. I went back to bed to sleep it off. I dozed for a while longer before deciding to read in bed and do some writing. I started feeling better and found some motivation to get up and go for a walk. That was part of the plan for the day.

I brushed the bed head out of my hair (sort of) and put it in a half pony tail, put on my workout clothes and tennis shoes, and headed out the door. I walked 3.25 miles and felt great afterwards!

I listened to my body and what it needed, at least for the rest of the day. All in all, the day ended well. Things are looking better and tomorrow is another day to get back up and ride again. Giddy up!

How Do You Spell Relief? C-A-K-E

Birthday cupcakes- dancing shoes

Yep, that's right. I'm stressed and I tried to find relief through cake this week.

Granted, it was my birthday weekend so the cake was mostly birthday cake leftovers.

But yesterday at work (the school) there was a trip to the donut shop with my students and leftover graduation party cake. It wasn't even special cake; just a plain white cake with white frosting from some grocery store, or maybe even a big box store. Despite the fact that I've learned over the last four years that food won't bring me comfort. Despite the fact that I've learned to listen to my body and that sugar makes my body hurt. Despite the fact that I had told myself I would be fine without a donut and that I had a little bag full of all sorts of yummy food that I really wanted to eat. Despite all that I ate two pieces of cake and a salted caramel old fashioned donut.

And what did I get? A sugar headache, feeling of sluggishness and tiredness, moodiness, and an upset stomach. Oh, and no desire to do my usual walk and workout. Ugh! Why do I do this to myself?

Let's not go down that road too far. I'm not going to beat myself up. But here's a little bit of the story behind WHY I ate that way. (I find it helps me prevent it in the future and rewire my brain if I think about WHY I did what I did, but to not dwell on it and beat myself up.)

1. I was coming down off of the high of my birthday weekend. I had cake and strawberry shortcake over the weekend so sugar was in my system. It's hard to get away from my sugar craving once my body has gotten a little taste. And, I turned 35; that's a significant milestone. Another multiple of five.
As I was coming down off the high of the birthday weekend I realized that some big (hard, sad, stressful, etc.) changes are now a lot closer than before.
2. My boyfriend leaves for the Navy next week. I was there with him when he applied months ago. It seemed like we had a long time. Now the day is almost here and it's hard to face that he will soon be gone. I'm trying to process my feelings about it. I may have been too needy, too clingy this week. He's trying to process all his feelings, too. We're having a hard time communicating about this, so what do I do? I eat. And then I feel worse because now my body hurts and I'm still stressed and it hasn't done anything to help the communication.
3. The school year is ending and I'm leaving a job of four years. It's been a roller-coaster ride. I'm glad to be moving on to my next school (very excited to be teaching full-time, in first grade, again), but still, change is hard.
4. I'm moving. If you've ever moved, whether across the street, across town, or across the country you know that moving is hard and creates a lot of stress. Where will I live? How will I afford it? How will I get there? When will I get there? I have the added stress of needing to buy a car when I get there. I've mostly been relying on public transportation the last four years. Now I have to be (get to be) a car owner again- and everything that goes with it. Oh man.

Are you getting the picture that there's a lot going on in my life? Can you see how that would all be stressful?

In the midst of this I realize that I have not turned to God as much as I  need to, so today as I sat down to write an email of venting to myself (like a journal, but via email so it never goes anywhere but to me), I realized a few things. The biggest one is that I need to cling to God and not food or people. And as that thought processed in my mind I was reminded of a song that I had clung to a few months ago during another stressful time. I would play it over and over again and let it be my cry, my prayer to God. Starting today, this morning already, I'm going to be playing this song a lot as my reminder to cling to God during these stressful events. May it bless you as it has blessed me.