No Cookies Needed

It had barely just started again and now it's over.

First, it was bad timing a year ago. Now, it's the distance. I love him and he loves me, but there's apparently just too many obstacles in our way.

No cookies needed

I'm tempted to go back to my old habits of finding comfort in food. I want chocolate! Or do I? My stomach is finally flat (or flatter than it has been in weeks while bloated). I'm feeling comfortable in my own skin - even naked. I feel slim and strong. Do I really want to go back to my old habits of finding comfort in food? NO! So I  need to find a substitute.

Exercise. Thank goodness it was also workout Monday with my trainer. I moved from sad that he called it off, to pissed off that he wasn't wiling to pursue me. I'm worth it. I'm a darned good catch. I'm freaking awesome! Darn him for not wanting it enough. Not wanting me enough.

So I took action.
I removed the electronic copies of the poems we'd written to each other.
I deleted our text chain and our messenger chat.
I deleted him from my contacts.
Swiftly. Like ripping off a bandaid.

I'm usually loyal to a fault, to a point where I hurt myself, but this time I don't want to do that. I've done enough of that in the past and this time I'm flipping the switch. Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.

But I don't feel shame, because I wanted it too. I initiated it, but he responded. But given his reason for not being able to pursue a relationship, perhaps he shouldn't have responded in the first place. But at least I've learned a lesson - don't hold on to the hurt.

I haven't cried since Monday afternoon.  I got a little sad on Thursday night during my Financial Peace class because it reminded me of a recent conversation with him. But I kept my chin up and reminded myself this wasn't about him, this was about me. I'd been feeling pumped about this class and I wasn't going to let him steal my joy.

This is about me feeling good about myself. And yah, I don't need sugary sweets to do that. I'm taking care of me and that feels great! I'm finding comfort in taking care of myself, support and love from my friends, and some inspirational words on the internet. I'm keeping myself open to love.

 

An Open Letter to My Trainer

Dear Mr. Trainer,

Ok... I do need my trainer, too.

I'm really grateful for the workouts you've put me through these last few weeks. I can feel changes happening through the focused workouts you've designed. I appreciate the focus you've given on making my body stronger and feel better. I love the challenge you've given me in my fitness training.
But this diet thing with more protein.... it's causing me some stress and frustration. You want me to eat more protein and less carbs. I just don't know how to eat more protein while eating a diet that also includes enough fruits and vegetables. I think that may be why (confession time) I ate a box of cookies this morning for breakfast.
I know. I know.

I only meant to eat one or two. I should have headed the warning from the lady who said don't open it until you're prepared to eat the whole box because it's hard to stop. I should have listened to my gut that said give the cookies to someone else because I knew they would be tempting to me.
I'm sorry.
I'm apologizing to myself and to you. I know you're investing time and energy to help me transform me. I'm investing time, energy, and money in this, too. And eating a box of cookies for breakfast defeats that. I get it. I'm not trying to undo our hard work. I'm stressed. I'm an emotional eater. I know that. You know that now, too.
I know I need to make some changes if I'm going to see the results that I want and that you are trying to give me. I promise that I'm doing my best every day. I wake up with the intention of doing the best to give my best. Please don't take this personally, it's not about your skill as a trainer - you're excellent - it's about my emotional-ness right now. I resolve each day, each moment to do my best to take care of myself. Sometimes I slip. I'll forgive myself. I'd appreciate your forgiveness, too.  I'm trying, really I am. No excuses, just an explanation.
The rest of this day will be better. ...but I still need to work on figuring out that protein - fruit/veg balance.
Sincerely,
Urban Hiker Girl

Why Do I Do This to Myself?

This afternoon I'm feeling like a busted can of biscuits.
No more cookies!

Why do I do this to myself?

I know why I do it. I know how I will feel afterwards. Yet I do it anyways.

I was bored with my plain chicken and white rice lunch. I am over-tired from two very late nights in a row. And there was a huge tray of cookies in the staff workroom. I ate 4 cookies without much hesitation. After I had two mini cupcakes this morning for a student's birthday treat.

And 30 minutes later I have a stomach ache and a headache. I'm going to feel the sugar drop a little later, so on top of my over-tiredness I'll feel really lousy from the sugar.

Why do I do this to myself?

I'd already told myself this morning that I needed to be better this weekend because I'm up a few pounds on the scale. I packed myself a lunch and morning and afternoon snacks that were things I'd normally enjoy and feel good about eating. I ate them, but I kept right on eating other things that I knew would make me feel not good.

And I'm supposed to go out with coworkers for dinner tonight. I hope.... no, not hope,... I will PLAN to do better with my choices the rest of the day. I can do this. I know what needs to be done to take care of myself and make myself feel better.

This is a process. I'm still learning to listen to my body and take care of myself. I lived the old way for 35 years. Training myself to act a different way won't happen overnight. Even a year later I'm still learning and practicing this new way of living. Changing my mindset is hard. Being present and mindful is hard. I'm tough, though, and I can do this.

Beware, Girl Scout Cookies VS Girl Scout Cookies Beware!

Just 1 more Girl Scout Cookie

Yesterday, I approached the impending delivery of my pre-purchased Girl Scout Cookies with dread. I'd just gone a week with no sweets and was feeling good from my sugar detox.

Today, the cookies were delivered. Four boxes- two Samoas and two Tagalongs. And yes, I ate some. Five, in fact, one whole row. And, oh, were they as good as I remembered. Sweet, gooey, coconut-y and delicious Samoas. My favorite.

But four boxes? I had ordered them when I was still dating that guy. I had planned to share them with him. Now what am I going to do with four boxes?! I gave one to my Japanese exchange student aide. Samoas. Yes, I parted with my favorite first. I don't need that many Samoas. Upon further reflection, I don't need that many Tagalongs. I think I'll give some to my new Japanese student I'm getting next week.

But back to those five cookies I ate. They were good. But I'm glad I left them in my desk at work so they wouldn't further tempt me this evening. I put them in the back of a drawer that I rarely open, hoping that I might forget about them and thereby be less tempted by them as well. We'll see...

As I worked out in the fitness center this evening I thought about my month-long sugar binge and my week-long sugar fast. (Ok, so I wasn't completely sugar-free, I had natural fruit sugars, and some low-sugar instant oatmeal, and even some protein bars as snacks, but I didn't have candy and sweets they way I had been for pretty much all of February, so I'm pretty ok with calling it a sugar fast. I was back to my somewhat regular amounts of sugar.) But as I was saying, my week-long sugar fast. I was feeling so much more comfortable in my own skin. No longer bloated. My face was clearing up. My joints are less achy and my body less fatigued. I feel more energetic. In other words, I feel more like the best version of myself.

Truth

But if I go on to eat more of those Girl Scout cookies, I'll be back to the not so pleasant version of myself that is achy, bloated, irritable, uncomfortable, and lethargic. Oh, but the little voice in my head reminds me that Girl Scout cookies are only here once a year for a limited time.

What to do? What to do?

To be honest, I'm not totally sure, what I'm going to do, but I really like the way I'm feeling now and don't want to go back to how I was feeling in February. If I hold on to that, it's easy to stay away from eating the cookies. But what do I do with them? Because, come on- they are GIRL SCOUT COOKIES! Only once  a year. I can't just throw them out. And I'm not sure I want to just give them all away. I want to taste at least a few cookies, because they are just a once a year treat. But I don't want to go overboard on the sugar and blow my diet and bring back all the above negative feelings.

So I've decided to do nothing. I'm going to keep them in my desk. That way I don't feel like I'm being deprived (which I would if f I were to just get rid of them all). I can know in my mind that they are there if I really want some. But I'm going to set a loving limit of just once a week (so for this week I've already had my one time). Too much sugar in one week will make me feel really yucky and I want to feel really fabulous when I go dancing this week- not the bloated and uncomfortable, self-conscious feeling I felt the last couple weeks.

On second thought, maybe I'll move them up to a really high cupboard in the classroom so they are a little harder to get without some work. I mean, after all, they ARE Girl Scout Cookies!

I Am Joy

I'm learning to let go.

It's not easy. It doesn't happen overnight.

Several weeks ago my boyfriend and I decided to move on in different directions. (That's a really nice, adult way of saying we broke up.) I cried, a lot. I ate cookies and sweets and other "crap"; I'm an emotional eater, it's what I do. I've been working on NOT eating because of my emotions, but in times of extreme stress (say the end of a significant relationship) those old habits resurface. I did less damage than I would have in the past, but I still did them. I'm not perfect. (Guess what? I don't have to be either!) And if it makes you feel any better, I did work out to try to compensate for some of the "damage" the sweets did to my diet. It certainly made me feel better as I burned off calories and frustrations.

I started dating again. The first one was awkward and I never heard from him again. The second one asked me out again. It was nice, but also a little awkward. He asked me out a third time... we'll see. Guys number three and four are also in the line-up for dates this weekend. Whew, I'm not sure how I'll keep them all straight!

Sunbursts through clouds on my walk home on September 30th.

Sun reflecting off the clouds on my walk home on October 1st.

Ahhhh. It's a beautiful evening.

Still, occasional feelings about my previous boyfriend come up. This weekend I had some tears. I remembered and missed the fun times he and I had together. He took me on many dating adventures. We supported each other through some tough times. I met his family. Big stuff. I missed it. I missed his friendship.

As I walked home yesterday (5 miles, 1 hour 30 minutes) I had some time to think. I thought about why I was sad about the past relationship and the excitement of looking forward to new potential relationships.A tear or two may have come to my eye as I saw beautiful views and thought of how he would have loved to see and photograph them. Lots of mixed feelings on my walk and lots of time to think about things. By the time I got home yesterday I was "thought out" and the only thing on my mind was how tired and hungry I was; after all, I was walking during dinner time.

Today, I felt such peace on my walk home. No longer feeling mixed emotions; ready to let go of the past and even more now looking forward to the future. I felt happy about the progress I've made in letting him go and moving on. I feel grateful for the time we shared, the lessons I learned about myself and love and life, and that I was able to give and receive (in his own way) love. And I am looking forward to taking what I've learned about myself and relationships and love to use in the future. I feel happy.

As I walked home I thought of those lessons and when I thought of him I felt peace. No longing. No regrets. Just peace. I saw a beautiful sunset and thought of how much he would have enjoyed photographing the stunning colors and light. It was a lovely feeling and a lovely moment. I feel proud of myself for that.

I am joy. And that is the best part.

Reality Check

I stepped on the scale this morning. The numbers reflected what I knew was true. Despite the extra exercise I'd done on Saturday, I had eaten a lot of crap on Sunday and the scale had gone up. Fortunately (?), this wasn't my official weigh in day, so I didn't have to enter it into record. It was just a reality check. That, and the red bumps on my face are the evidence that I have not been eating well for several days and so my body was reflecting that.

Determined to not go on my date on Saturday feeling bloated or with red bumps on my face, I planned my food for the day. I also determined that I was going to be extra focused on eating well, logging everything, and continuing the good exercise routine I'd gotten back into last week.

I did well today, planning out my lunch and prepacking it the night before really helped. This morning all I had to do was pull my lunch bag out of the fridge and I was set with my morning snack, lunch, and afternoon snack. On the way to work I logged all the food I was planning to eat and what I'd eaten for breakfast and I was 100 calories under my goal for the day. Knowing I might have time to exercise after work before going to the movie I knew I'd be ok to have/take with me, a light, healthy snack to eat at the movie theater if I got hungry.

When I got home from work today I realized that I didn't have as much time to exercise before the move (and check the mail, pick up a package, eat dinner, and change my clothes), so I decided to skip the workout, secure in the knowledge that I'd already accounted for all my food today and I had room to spare so I didn't need to work out in order to enjoy dinner guilt-free.

Everything changed after I picked up my packages.

I was only expecting a box of books that I'd ordered. Instead, there was a second package. As I read my address and recognized the handwriting, I lost my appetite and started to feel upset. As I walked back to my apartment, I tried very hard to not cry but all was lost once I entered the safety of my home. I started crying and immediately wanted cookies, even though I was no longer hungry.

Not ready to deal with the package's contents or the sender, I stuck it in our spare bedroom that I rarely enter, knowing it would stay there safely and unnoticed until I was ready to deal with it later (whenever that might be).

I steeled myself to stick with the healthy dinner that I had planned (yummy leftover chili). "No cookies- remember your upcoming date!" I told myself. That got me through the process of heating it in the microwave. As I started to dry the tears I found my appetite return.

As I finished my dinner I reflected on how much my feelings hand changed in the past 30 minutes and what an effect it had on my appetite and cravings. I had come home hungry and looking forward to my yummy leftover chili, but after opening the mail and seeing a package that I'd forgotten was coming I'd lost my appetite and my cravings for cookies (sweets) were running rampant. I won this battle, the war will still continue as I rewire my brain and how I respond to emotions.

Deep breath. You can do it, girl.

Why Did I Eat That?

Crunchy Oatmeal Cookies
with raisins, dates, and walnuts
YUM!

Why did I eat all those cookies?
How did I eat all those cookies?

We scooted out of work before 4pm today- quite an accomplishment- because we had to be back at 6:30pm for Back to School Night. I changed into some comfy clothes to relax in until needing to go back to work (when I would put my work clothes back on), sat down on the couch with a school project, and started working.

Oh, but before I got to work I grabbed a cookie from the bowl on the counter. Just one, I thought to myself. I started working on labeling the kids names in my recording binder and munched my cookie. I decided to grab two more cookies as I continued to work. Then two more...then two more... pretty soon there were only four left in the bowl.

Ack! I immediately felt shame and embarrassment- what if my roommate sees that almost all of the cookies are gone? What will she think of me? I better hide the evidence. I tried to convince myself that I was saving myself from eating any more cookies as I put them into the freezer. And I WAS saving myself- I was minimizing harm. I ate a lot of cookies, but not ALL of the cookies. But mostly I was trying to hide the evidence from my roommate that I ate a lot of cookies. I was ashamed of myself.

At Back to School Night I started to get a stomach ache. I jokingly told a couple coworkers about all the cookies I ate, saying I must be stressed, trying to laugh off my shame and hoping they wouldn't judge me and think I was a pig. Or fat. Or other terrible things.

I was shocked when one of my coworkers said, "Oh, I know. I can sit down and go through Oreo's without even thinking when I'm stressed." If I were a cartoon my eyes would have bugged out of my head. Here I had judged her thinking she was "normal" and that she would judge me as being a horrible person for eating all those cookies, and I found out she stress eats, too. And then another person chimed in, too. Maybe I'm not such a "bad" person after all. Maybe there's a lot of people who do this. Maybe I don't have to be ashamed. Maybe I'll be ok.