Why Do I Do This to Myself?

This afternoon I'm feeling like a busted can of biscuits.
No more cookies!

Why do I do this to myself?

I know why I do it. I know how I will feel afterwards. Yet I do it anyways.

I was bored with my plain chicken and white rice lunch. I am over-tired from two very late nights in a row. And there was a huge tray of cookies in the staff workroom. I ate 4 cookies without much hesitation. After I had two mini cupcakes this morning for a student's birthday treat.

And 30 minutes later I have a stomach ache and a headache. I'm going to feel the sugar drop a little later, so on top of my over-tiredness I'll feel really lousy from the sugar.

Why do I do this to myself?

I'd already told myself this morning that I needed to be better this weekend because I'm up a few pounds on the scale. I packed myself a lunch and morning and afternoon snacks that were things I'd normally enjoy and feel good about eating. I ate them, but I kept right on eating other things that I knew would make me feel not good.

And I'm supposed to go out with coworkers for dinner tonight. I hope.... no, not hope,... I will PLAN to do better with my choices the rest of the day. I can do this. I know what needs to be done to take care of myself and make myself feel better.

This is a process. I'm still learning to listen to my body and take care of myself. I lived the old way for 35 years. Training myself to act a different way won't happen overnight. Even a year later I'm still learning and practicing this new way of living. Changing my mindset is hard. Being present and mindful is hard. I'm tough, though, and I can do this.

Miserable

I'll be the wisest woman alive soon.

Why do I do this to myself? Do I love to be miserable? I ate way too much tonight at dinner. We went to Texas Roadhouse, which starts you with those lovely little hot rolls and honey cinnamon butter. I promptly ate two, I think before I even placed my order. I am slightly comforted by the fact that it was a fairly healthy dinner: medium cooked 6 oz steak with sauteed onions and mushrooms on top, green beans, and a plain baked potato. Water to drink. No appetizers. Still, it was more than I needed, and yet I topped it off with one more roll with butter before leaving.

Ugh. I'm paying for it now. I tried to "balance" things out by doing a workout this evening. I don't think it did much good because I felt so lousy I could only do a slow walk for 25 minutes; half as fast and half the time of my normal workouts.

To add to my misery I decided to text the guy who just dumped me, just to wish him a happy birthday and see if he got my present. He got it and said it was very sweet (a personalized beer tap). Glad he got it. He also got sick for his birthday. Part of me wishes I could be happy and feel self-righteous that he's sick and miserable on his birthday. Mostly I'm just too nice to be petty. I'd rather make myself miserable than wish it on him.

Maybe that's why I overate at dinner. (No maybe about it, it definitely is why I overate at dinner.) If I'm going to be miserable it's better(?) to feel too full from a good dinner than to be crying over a guy who dumped me via text. A guy who isn't romantic and doesn't really feel emotions, but doesn't feel romantic feelings for me. A guy who has been steady dating me for three months.

Everyone keeps saying I'm better off and that he didn't deserve me. Everyone keeps saying I'll meet someone better. Everyone keeps saying he's an idiot. That may be true, but I'm not there yet folks. I've been trying to hold it together all week, trying to stay focused at work and positive around others, but inside the wounds are still pretty raw. I almost made it all day today and Tuesday without crying, almost. I cried myself to sleep Tuesday night. I'm crying now as I type this. Monday and Wednesday started the day with tears but then got better. I know it will get better. I know I won't cry over him forever. But sometimes I feel so sick to my stomach with ache over the suddenness of this unexpected loss. I believe it will get better. I know this won't last forever, but right now this is where I am.

I am hurting.
I am mourning the loss of a man who possessed some wonderful qualities that I didn't even know I so strongly desired in a relationship partner.
I'm mourning the loss of a friend whom I always felt safe with.
I'm mourning the loss of a partner who cheered me up when I was sad and made me laugh when I was stressed.
I'm mourning the loss of someone who put up with my crazies.
I'm mourning the fun adventures we were going to have together: rock wall climbing, shooting, flying in his plane.
I'm mourning the quiet nights snuggling with him and his dog on the couch watching movies.
I'm mourning the loss of someone wiser and more experienced and more knowledgeable to help me shop for a new car.

I am hurting and it's ok to cry.

Too Full

So, um, yah, ... I over-ate. Too much Christmas dinner. Then, too many Christmas cookies.

I was stuffing to drown out uncomfortable feelings. Sometimes it's easier to be uncomfortable in my own skin by over-eating than to be uncomfortable with feelings. The results? I now have a stomach that is making rumbling noises and feeling stretched to the max. And still have emotional garbage to deal with. Great.

All because holidays are stressful. I came back to the house where I grew up and where I lived again for the past four years. I've only been gone a few months, but I have changed a lot. The way I used to live here is no longer the way I want to live. I've been battling that for the last few days and it is exhausting. 

The second night here I contemplated changing my flight home to leave earlier (Salt Lake City is now home) just because of how overwhelmed I felt. I didn't change my flight; I reminded myself that things are always worse in the middle of the night, and that I should not jump into this decision, but at least I knew I could change flights if it still felt necessary in the light of day.

Today, I again contemplated changing flights home to leave earlier. These last few days have been very hard. I've changed; a lot of things here stayed the same, but not in good ways. I was angry, frustrated, and sad, but I didn't want to spoil the dinner with relatives, so I put on a happy face. I gave myself permission to enjoy my other relatives and then later face my feelings when I was in a safe space.

On the drive home at 5:30 I was exhausted. I wanted to crawl into bed (actually lying on my bed as I write this).  The sad thing is, I still have yet to deal with the feelings that we're making me feel yucky earlier.

Now that several hours have passed these feelings don't seem so overwhelming. (Or is that just because I'm so full that I'm having a hard time feeling emotions?) I am thinking more rationally about the situation. I can make it five more days. (I think. I hope.) But I have a lot of thinking to do as I plan for future trips home, in order to take care of myself and my needs so that I feel safe and taken care of.