My Favorite Addiction

I'm my father's daughter. Also possibly my mother's daughter. Either way - I have inherited a major sweet tooth.

Hello. My name is Becky, and I'm a sugar addict. I've been clean for 1 day.

I fell off the wagon last week when the salt water taffy appeared on the school secretary's desk. She said I could have a handful or two. So I did. (But some of it I shared with my students.)

And then every day after that I helped myself to another handful (ok, maybe two, but again sharing some of it with my students). Every day, except Friday. Friday I stared the devil in the face and won. I was back on the wagon.

Until I worked my second job. Then at 10 pm, waiting for the manager to finish up so we could all walk out, some of the others were munching on candy and shared with each other. I gave in and had a few M&Ms, a couple bits of chocolate almond bark, and .... something else I can't recall now, but it was candy.

And today I haven't had any candy. I can feel the sugar's affects on my body though, and I'm reminded why I got on the wagon in the first place.

The sugar is causing my shoulders to ache. Achy body parts make me feel grumpy.

The sugar is causing me to feel emotional and irritable. For about an hour or so this afternoon I felt like crying. For no reason, at least not a good one. That's when I checked in with myself and realized it was connected to the sugar with drawl.

For more on this, click here.

And the sugar has disrupted my sleep. I did not sleep well last night. I asked my very knowledgeable trainer if diet can affect sleep, and he said it does. I knew there had to be a connection. I was right. He has done the research, though, so he has more than just my personal observation, he's got scientific data to back him up (at least I assume, because he's a science geek).

I can't wait till this gets out of my system again. I hope that by writing it down, I'll remember why I don't like eating sugar. And I need to remember, that even on a good day when I feel like I can control it and be ok just eating a little, that little triggers a reaction to the next day and next day after that. It becomes a daily thing until I'm living in a world of hurt and regret brought on by sugar. And I'm tired of living this way.

Status Quo 2016

In December of 2013 while pet-sitting for a family in Seattle, I became the Urban Hiker Girl. I had become fed up with status quo in my life. I was overweight, sedentary, and unhappy with my life. I was the heaviest I'd ever been in  my life and I knew I was going to keep getting heavier if some things didn't change.

While walking the dogs one evening I realized how easy it was to add a little more physical activity into my life. I knew that I had a lot of changes to make, but my goal was important - I wanted to be healthy mentally, physically, and emotionally - something I currently wasn't. So I set a goal, knowing that as I progressed towards it that I might tweak it, and started breaking it down into steps. In addition to my end goal, I also made a mid-year goal. Then I started breaking it down month by month into baby steps.

After I'd set my goals for weight, I set goals for physical activity to help me meet my weight goals. Realizing that healthy food choices also needed to be a part of this process, I started making food goals each month. Had I made all these changes at once, it would have felt overwhelming and unmanageable. But breaking it down into baby steps and small changes over a long period of time, it seemed more manageable and gave me time to adapt to a new life-style a little at a time.

December of 2016, and the status quo of the last few months is not ok. I've gained weight, become more sedentary, resumed some bad eating habits, and I'm unhappy with some areas of my life. I'm not the heaviest I've ever been, but I'm going to keep getting heavier if I don't change some things.

Since I now have a boyfriend who's a very significant part of my life now and my future, I've decided to include him in my planning process. What I do to take care of myself is going to affect him, so I want him to be part of the conversation.

What I do to take care of myself shouldn't be a punishment or because I'm afraid of gaining weight, but should be a celebration of myself through exercise and eating well.

I'm going to go back to my foundations. I'm going to set an end goal and date. I'm going to set a mid-way goal. And I'm going to come up with baby-steps to help me get there a little at a time.

By Valentine's Day, I want to be back into my button pants fitting comfortably. I want to weigh 165 pounds. By mid-January I want to be back to 170 pounds.

While I know cutting out sweets (processed foods and sugary snacks), it doesn't seem reasonable to completely cut them out of my life right now - it's December! Christmas cookie season! But I can set a reasonable, loving limit on the sweets that I'll eat. I'll only eat homemade sweets. (That means no more candy from the secretary's desk, but I can eat some of the sweets at the cookie exchange I'm doing with friends on Friday, as well as the birthday cake that I'm going to make for my boyfriend later this month.) And I'll limit it it to eating sweets once a week because if I eat it too many days in a row I get mood swings, body aches, and inflamed joints (the list goes on and it ain't pretty). Sweets will not be a reward - food should never be a reward - but rather a "sometimes" treat.

I'm going to increase the veggies I eat each day. Lunch and or dinner will include a side of veggies. Hmmmm... maybe I'll even make salad one of my main meals each day during the week (like lunch or dinner). Or bulk up my main entree, like soup or stew or chili, by adding lots of veggies to help fill me up without lots of calories.

And I'm going to make a more significant effort to get to the gym as often as my trainer is currently prescribing. Three days a week doing weight training and two days a week of cardio. Plus one day a week of yoga. And, of course, one night a week (at least!) of dance. All while keeping my regular Thursday night volleyball. With basketball season ending this week, it'll leave me significant more room in my schedule to do this without taking away time from other activities and quality time with my boyfriend.

I can do this. I believe in me. I am gonna rock this plan!

Balance

It's December. The most wonderful time of the year for baking, partying, and gifting. Not so wonderful for sticking to diet, exercise, and health plans.

Had a brief chat with my boyfriend this evening about what I need to take care of my (mental) health and manage stress for the next few weeks.
1. I need to eat well.
2. I need to make sure to get in bed by 10 pm on work nights.
3. I need to exercise regularly. (We joked that my trainer would be punishing me in the gym every night this upcoming week... Maybe not so much a joke after recent events.)
4. Minimize stressors, and relieve stress by cuddling more! (One of my top two love languages is physical touch, so cuddling is super important to me!)

I need to get back to focusing on the big picture and keeping everything in balance.
1. I will get through this. I've got a 100% success rate so far for overcoming obstacles.
2. Ten pounds is only ten pounds. I'm not obese again. But I do have to work hard to get it back off.
3. I feel better when I eat better, but feeling better doesn't mean I can slack off after a few days.
4. Sugar makes me feel horrible. I repeat: Sugar makes me feel horrible! My mood, my muscles, and my knees. Stay away from sugar!
5. There is more to life than managing food and exercising at the gym. Life is about balance.
6. Track receipts and get control of my budget (I've been ignoring balance in other areas of my life besides, food and exercise).
7. Find time to at least walk or do yoga every day. My health matters.
8. Eat more homemade food and less prepared food/fast food.
9. Make time for connecting with my boyfriend every day. Relationship health is just as important as my physical and financial health.
10.  ....that's enough list.

Finding balance is hard, but possible. I can do it - starting with prayer over all things!

Father God, please help me find balance in my life. You are the Creator of all things. You have  a plan and purpose for my life. Help me to not be so busy that I don't have time for the ministry tasks you have specially equipped me for. Help me to put you at the center of it all so that I can keep it all in balance, with your help. Thank you for showing me the way. Amen!

Seven Pounds

Ugh...

Ok. I need a plan.

I read a Facebook friend's post about how she made a plan, focused on her goals, and in 2 weeks took off 5 pounds.

I need a plan.

I've put on 7 pounds since I started seeing my boyfriend a month ago. I'm still a healthy weight. He still thinks I am beautiful. But I don't feel comfortable in my own skin. I don't like the way my gut has been feeling or acting the last several weeks (gas, bloating, bowl problems - yuck). So I need a plan. A plan that says to my body that I love me and will care for myself with loving, not harsh, limits.

For the next two weeks I will:
Step One: Say good night to my dear boyfriend and start getting ready for bed by 9 pm on school nights. Good sleep (and enough sleep) affects not only my mood buy also my gut. *Except for Thursday night volleyball, but that will still have a reasonable bed-time, because activity and social time are important, too.
Step Two: Not drink caffeine or soft drinks (caffeine-free or otherwise). They just aren't good for me.
Step Three: Not consume processed sugars. Sugar creates gas. Gas creates discomfort in my body. Enough said.
Step Four: Only eat what is planned, therefore I must meal plan! Weekends will be spent planning meals, shopping, and preparing food.
Step Five: Make physical activity a priority again during the week by going to the gym once or twice on the weekend, and two times during the week.

Now, I need to create a physical recording system (not just electronic) because I like physically seeing this in front of me. Time to make an incentive chart for myself! What kind of cute stickers should I give myself....?

Ready

Last week I was frustrated with men. I thought it was perhaps because of my sugar-bingeing, but this week I've been off of processed sugar (and going for natural sugar found in foods), yet this discontent with men and dating remains. So it's not just the sugar talking, this is something really on my heart.

This morning I woke up feeling tired and dreading the days ahead. I have some fun stuff going on this week, but when I woke up this morning all I could think about was how tired I would be after doing all these fun things and wondering if I could skip some, but also not wanting to miss out on time with friends. Folks, I'm tired. I'm worn out.

It's not just physical exhaustion. It's emotional. There seems to be dating drama everywhere I go. Rumors still circulating about whether I'm dating this guy or that guy. (What a problem to have, I know, right?) This is new to me. Never have I been that girl before. Never. It's wearing on me.

I just want to go and have fun at volleyball or dancing or a concert. But when I go someone always asks if I'm dating such and such a guy.

Just to make sure we're all clear here: I'M NOT DATING ANYONE. I'M SINGLE. cue Beyonce... all the single ladies, all the single ladies put your hands up!

No one's put a ring on it, folks. I'm single. Not in a relationship. Not seeing anyone. Just hanging out and having fun... well, I was, now I'm not sure of that either. And so I woke up this morning dreading it all and wanting to crawl back under the covers.

(And just for the record, most of the guys have told me they aren't dating/won't date me. I have told only one I won't date him because he's not my type.)

This is the text conversation that ensued:

Me: Ever since you mentioned not going to volleyball last night, to have a quiet night tonight, that idea has been rattling around in my mind to maybe do the same. In fact, I wisih I could take the day off from work and have a whole day and night of quiet. But I can't do that, so maybe just a quiet night tonight or tomorrow.

Me: Ok, so that was first waking up. Now, after showering and dressing I have more thoughts. 

Me: I'm tired. Tired of being alone. Of being my own strength and support all the time. i want someone to mutually support and be supported by. I want to be held. I want to hold tightly.Me: I'm tired of being surrounded by people but still feeling alone. I want to be with someone who understands my heart. To be with people who truly see me. 

Me: Maybe this is why I feel like my dating life sucks. Because men see my outward appear but they don't see my heart. They lust after me but they don't really know me.

Friend (who finally has woken up): If you want to be held you need to have children. 

Friend: Social programming does not influence people in that direction of truly knowing someone. It's all about the physical, the visual. 

Friend: Lots in the current battle between the few and the marketing giants of the world. 

Friend: You live in one of the most screwed up social settings in the country. 

Friend: Probably the worst habitat for developing or fostering any kind of healthy relationship at any age. 

Friend: If you want to be held, if you want to hold someone so you can experience genuine love and affection that's undying, the best odds at that are to have three children, your own children. 

Me: Ah, I understand what you are saying. 

Me: I do want kids, but not on my own. Parenting is tough. You need a teammate. And kids need a mom and a dad. 

Me: Someone at work just asked how I was doing and I started crying. I'm emotionally tired.

That's the realization I had today. I'm emotionally tired.

I shared a picture of a swimming pool with a little sludge left in the bottom and debris floating, captioned "dating pool in your 30s". That's kind of how I'm feeling at the moment... dating is murky waters. Exhausting and murky.

I have a lot of love to give. I have a great big heart. I desire to share love with others. And to find someone worthy of that love who returns it. But lately I seem to keep finding men who are not worthy of that love. Or men who aren't able to give love. Why  do I keep falling for emotionally unavailable men? It's a question I keep asking myself over and over again.

I'm ready. Now where are all the good men? The ones who are looking for a relationship, emotionally available, able to give and receive love, true followers of Christ? I'm ready to love.

Outta Whack

I still feel outta whack. I feel like crying over the littlest things. And I get pissed off over the littlest things. And I'm still so tired, even thought I got plenty rested this weekend. I am definitely not my best self.

I'm feeling pissed off at a friend for not responding to me for several days. A mutual friend says this person just does that some times. I know I shouldn't take it personally, but I am right now. I'm  trying to remember to give them grace and compassion - they are doing the best that they can in their life right now. It's not about me it's about them. It's their issue. They will respond to me when they are ready and able.

And I'm just so fed up with pretty much all men right now. Ok, maybe not all me. I started to think about two that I'm not disgusted with and the list was actually quite long - you can thank my brother and most adorable nephew for swinging the vote that men aren't so bad. Maybe it is just a few men in my life that I need to look at and decide if they are worth the hassle. (And right now I'm leaning towards NOT!)

Ok, and if I'm being honest, I ate sugar yesterday and today. I can feel the tension knots starting in my shoulders. I could be achy from that or from the fact that I didn't sleep well last night which lowered my stress tolerance (which led to some emotional and mindless eating). Now I'm regretting the sugar. (But it's leaving the apartment soon!)

But still, I'm disgusted with men. A few in particular. I want to delete our text histories because I'm pissed off, but really, what good will that do other than I wouldn't have to see their faces and message history listed in my message inbox.

And I'm fed up with rumor starters. A part of me wants to skip some of my favorite activities because there are rumors I'm dating this one guy at dancing, and other rumors about two different guys I might be dating at volleyball. I'm not dating any of them. They are just friends. We sometimes flirt, but mostly we just participate in the same activity together and have fun doing so. Stop spreading rumors, people. This isn't junior high, this is my life.

Gee, I was hoping that if I wrote some of this stuff down it would help clear my mind so I could sleep. Not sure that it's helping because I'm sort of getting riled up. But a moment later I can't keep my eyes open.

I need to go to bed and give myself some grace and compassion - I'm doing the best that I can right now. And when I'm ready, I'll look at what changes I need to make in my life so these darned men are less aggravating to me.

Why Do I Do This to Myself?

This afternoon I'm feeling like a busted can of biscuits.
No more cookies!

Why do I do this to myself?

I know why I do it. I know how I will feel afterwards. Yet I do it anyways.

I was bored with my plain chicken and white rice lunch. I am over-tired from two very late nights in a row. And there was a huge tray of cookies in the staff workroom. I ate 4 cookies without much hesitation. After I had two mini cupcakes this morning for a student's birthday treat.

And 30 minutes later I have a stomach ache and a headache. I'm going to feel the sugar drop a little later, so on top of my over-tiredness I'll feel really lousy from the sugar.

Why do I do this to myself?

I'd already told myself this morning that I needed to be better this weekend because I'm up a few pounds on the scale. I packed myself a lunch and morning and afternoon snacks that were things I'd normally enjoy and feel good about eating. I ate them, but I kept right on eating other things that I knew would make me feel not good.

And I'm supposed to go out with coworkers for dinner tonight. I hope.... no, not hope,... I will PLAN to do better with my choices the rest of the day. I can do this. I know what needs to be done to take care of myself and make myself feel better.

This is a process. I'm still learning to listen to my body and take care of myself. I lived the old way for 35 years. Training myself to act a different way won't happen overnight. Even a year later I'm still learning and practicing this new way of living. Changing my mindset is hard. Being present and mindful is hard. I'm tough, though, and I can do this.

Refocusing...aka- my plan to stay away from sugar!

I've had WAY too much sugar this week!

I took a nap after work because I felt exhausted. I didn't sleep well last night- because I sugar and stress yesterday. I was drained today- because of sugar and stress. I slept horribly during my nap this afternoon- because of sugar and stress.

I tossed and turned feeling anxious and having an upset stomach. I finally gave up on sleeping and had a text chat with my mom. I realized that I needed to "listen to my gut" and get away from the sugar. It was making me sick and the stress worse. And I realized that I needed to go for a run, no matter how painful it would be because of the achy joints caused by sugar.

As I ran, my playlist  again got to the songs that brought me back on Tuesday. I focused on hearing the music and feeling the joy of moving. And, I decided that I needed to make a plan.

After getting off the treadmill, I wrote my first couple steps to my plan:
1- No more sweets until my birthday. Then, one treat with my family. Then, no more sweets again.
2- Eat a good dinner tonight: filet mignon, stir fried veggies, and quinoa. (And yes, it was as awesome as it sounds.)

And now I've added a few more:
3- Drink a lot of water to flush out my system.
4- Pack lots of healthy food to take to work tomorrow so I have good options to help me avoid temptation.
5- Go to bed early and (try to) get a good night's sleep to help reduce stress.
6- Turn off the technology early to help my brain unwind so I can sleep.

....so, good night!

Beware, Girl Scout Cookies VS Girl Scout Cookies Beware!

Just 1 more Girl Scout Cookie

Yesterday, I approached the impending delivery of my pre-purchased Girl Scout Cookies with dread. I'd just gone a week with no sweets and was feeling good from my sugar detox.

Today, the cookies were delivered. Four boxes- two Samoas and two Tagalongs. And yes, I ate some. Five, in fact, one whole row. And, oh, were they as good as I remembered. Sweet, gooey, coconut-y and delicious Samoas. My favorite.

But four boxes? I had ordered them when I was still dating that guy. I had planned to share them with him. Now what am I going to do with four boxes?! I gave one to my Japanese exchange student aide. Samoas. Yes, I parted with my favorite first. I don't need that many Samoas. Upon further reflection, I don't need that many Tagalongs. I think I'll give some to my new Japanese student I'm getting next week.

But back to those five cookies I ate. They were good. But I'm glad I left them in my desk at work so they wouldn't further tempt me this evening. I put them in the back of a drawer that I rarely open, hoping that I might forget about them and thereby be less tempted by them as well. We'll see...

As I worked out in the fitness center this evening I thought about my month-long sugar binge and my week-long sugar fast. (Ok, so I wasn't completely sugar-free, I had natural fruit sugars, and some low-sugar instant oatmeal, and even some protein bars as snacks, but I didn't have candy and sweets they way I had been for pretty much all of February, so I'm pretty ok with calling it a sugar fast. I was back to my somewhat regular amounts of sugar.) But as I was saying, my week-long sugar fast. I was feeling so much more comfortable in my own skin. No longer bloated. My face was clearing up. My joints are less achy and my body less fatigued. I feel more energetic. In other words, I feel more like the best version of myself.

Truth

But if I go on to eat more of those Girl Scout cookies, I'll be back to the not so pleasant version of myself that is achy, bloated, irritable, uncomfortable, and lethargic. Oh, but the little voice in my head reminds me that Girl Scout cookies are only here once a year for a limited time.

What to do? What to do?

To be honest, I'm not totally sure, what I'm going to do, but I really like the way I'm feeling now and don't want to go back to how I was feeling in February. If I hold on to that, it's easy to stay away from eating the cookies. But what do I do with them? Because, come on- they are GIRL SCOUT COOKIES! Only once  a year. I can't just throw them out. And I'm not sure I want to just give them all away. I want to taste at least a few cookies, because they are just a once a year treat. But I don't want to go overboard on the sugar and blow my diet and bring back all the above negative feelings.

So I've decided to do nothing. I'm going to keep them in my desk. That way I don't feel like I'm being deprived (which I would if f I were to just get rid of them all). I can know in my mind that they are there if I really want some. But I'm going to set a loving limit of just once a week (so for this week I've already had my one time). Too much sugar in one week will make me feel really yucky and I want to feel really fabulous when I go dancing this week- not the bloated and uncomfortable, self-conscious feeling I felt the last couple weeks.

On second thought, maybe I'll move them up to a really high cupboard in the classroom so they are a little harder to get without some work. I mean, after all, they ARE Girl Scout Cookies!

Moving On

"I'll be ok," I tell myself. "Correction, I AM ok."

It's been going through my head for several weeks- telling myself I AM ok, even when I don't feel it. But, y'all, I wasn't. I wasn't taking good care of myself. I wasn't ok so I wasn't eating well, I wasn't sleeping well, and I wasn't feeling well emotionally.

On Wednesday of this week I'd had enough. I woke up determined to not eat any candy or sweets that day. Morning was easy. Lunchtime came and I had a good lunch. But the afternoon was the hardest. I keep a tub of Jolly Ranchers in my classroom. When my kiddos fill up their homework chart (for bringing back homework on time) they get a piece of candy. Wednesday afternoon the candy was calling my name. Every time I'd walk by it I wanted to just grab one and suck on it, my reasoning being that it was for my dry mouth (because of the cold weather). I looked that temptation in the eye and kept walking. I was so proud of myself.

But oh the headache I was experiencing. I thought it was just allergies and weather change. I took some Tylenol and tried to move on.

Thursday the headache was still there. I continued to stare down the temptation of the Jolly Ranchers. I left work feeling victorious over the candy's calling, but with a pounding headache and a cancelled coffee date.

After work I begged my roommate to stop at Target on our way home from work, which she did. I remembered what my doctor had suggested- Benadryl and Mucinex. So I grabbed a box of each and hit the checkout. Finally at 7 pm on Thursday night I felt relief as those meds kicked in. I could breathe and my headache was finally gone. And with the headache gone, I suddenly didn't feel so tired or lethargic either. Amazing.

Friday was a wonderful day now that I was "feeling better". The candy was no longer calling my name. I was able to focus on my kids and not my headache. I was the best teacher I'd been in a few weeks. And I was going dancing that night!

I'd made a new friend two weekends ago while out dancing. He just plopped down on a chair next to me while I was resting between dances and started chatting. His charming personality and warm smile helped me open up and we started chatting. I went dancing two nights in a row last weekend and he was there both nights. We swapped numbers and now I have a dancing friend.

He picked me up Friday night and we stayed out until after 3 am. I can't remember a night in a long time where I have smiled and laughed so much, deep belly laughing, or felt so thoroughly happy. I AM ok.

Taking care of myself by eating well, exercising, and getting enough sleep helped me feel like myself again. I AM ok. No more tears over the past. I'm looking forward to the future and enjoying, embracing the present.

Day 24

That's how many days it's been since we broke up.

That's how many days I've been unable to stop eating sugar.

That's how many days I've been punishing my body with food because he broke my heart.

I didn't realize it until recently, I had been afraid to admit it, but I had fallen in love with him. It happened simply. The early days of infatuation turned into a comfortable friendship, more than friendship, love.

I loved him.

And there are (still) some days where I can't help buy cry because I miss him in my life.

I was driving the other day, a friend was letting me use their car, and burst into tears. I couldn't figure out how to work their Sirius radio. He came to mind. He has Sirius radio in his car, he would know how to change the channel. But I can't call him because he broke up with me. On Super Bowl Sunday. So I bawled as I drove down the road, because I couldn't change the station on the Sirius radio which reminded me of him, so I turned the whole darned thing off.

Just now I started crying again as I lay in bed reading and trying to fall asleep. I've started talking to other guys again. But only half-heartedly. I guess I'm not ready to move on yet.

But why, why, WHY do I keep punishing my body by eating food I don't want to eat, sneaking sweets I know will only make me feel worse? Because they are addicting. Because for so much of my previous life I used food to "comfort" me- it was better to feel a stomach ache from too much food or too many sweets than to feel emotional pain. Because I'm still learning to take care of myself in new ways.

And because a broken heart takes time to heal. Especially when you didn't earlier admit you were in love and it took you three weeks to admit that your heart had been broken.

Stop the World, I Want to Get Off

I've had it up to here!

I need to give myself an extra measure of grace today.

I'm stressed. I'm tired. I'm tense. I'm ready to cry. The cat keeps meowing (in a come hither, I'm in heat sort of way), I can't get the lid on the plastic container I'm packing, I keep nibbling at the fudge that I'm packaging up to give away (even though I don't want to eat it), my computer is working really slowly (and I might throw it out the window- or through the window!), and ... and I don't understand men.

I know, I know. It's the sugar. Sugar does bad things to me; it makes my body achy and makes my mind play games.

As if this season isn't stressful enough I'm dating a guy (and dating always is stressful). He seems like a pretty good guy. At least most of the time. He cheered me up earlier this evening with some funny texts. Now I want to throttle him. His last message, after I said "good night" was "cheers". Who says "cheers"? Are we toasting and I don't know it?! Or is there some other reason for a casual (platonic friends) greeting? More than likely, I'm reading too much in to this.


Ok, so given the circumstances it's not surprising that I'm feeling stressed and anxious about dating. Yes, there's the whole "sugar makes me kinda crazy thing", but there was a spot in my past where dating at this time of year caused me a lot of hurt. The sugar craze is dredging up that memory. The guy I was dating started talking to another girl while I was gone for Christmas. When he picked me up from the airport on New Years Eve he confessed this all to me and broke up with me. Jerk. So, yah, I'm coming up to this holiday with a little trepidation. I know the guy I'm dating now isn't the guy I was dating back then. I'm pretty sure (like 95%) that he likes me; he's just not good at saying it so it leaves me uncertain sometimes. (And yah, there was another guy I dated who never told me how he felt. Months after I told him I loved him he still hadn't said it back, which is a big reason I broke up with him. I needed to not only see and feel how he felt about me, but I also I needed to hear it. I told him this evening that I like him, in a text, and he never acknowledged or responded. I'm a little hurt.) I know I need to leave the past in the past. I know THIS guy is NOT THOSE guys. But the sugar is making me think crazy thoughts. I need to stop the sugar so I can stop some of the crazy thoughts. I need to stop the sugar so I can think rationally.

I need to stop the sugar. Not only is it making me crazy, it's going to make my body achy and yucky. I already noticed the yucky feeling this afternoon when working out. My body didn't have any energy to really push the cardio because I haven't been fueling it properly. My workout this evening was tough. I'm glad I went and it made me feel a little better, but I don't feel as good after as I usually do.

I need to stop the sugar and get back on track with what I know my body wants and what makes me feel good because I'm seven-tenths of a pound away from my goal weight. 0.7 pounds! And I already printed my Christmas letter saying I met my goal weight this December. I don't want to make a liar out of myself.

Somebody stop me before I drive myself crazy! Oh, wait, that somebody is me.

I'm going to bed. Not getting enough sleep will only add to the stress. So if I can't stop the world and get off, I can at least go to bed and shut the world out for several hours.

Overwhelmed

Tuesday I was feeling overwhelmed by emotions. At the time, I really had no idea why, but I was losing it. I was crying for no reason. I was feeling anxious, irritable, and confused. I thought that exercising might help, but in the midst of planking I started bawling again. No clue why, but I was overwhelmed.

I tried to do my EBT meditation, and that helped for a moment, but then a few moments later I was bawling again for seemingly no reason.

I decided to give myself the night off. Trying to attempt my "to do" list was stressing me out more, so I made a little dinner of potatoes O'Brien and scrambled eggs (which, just my luck, I burned a little), and then I sat down to knit. Knitting is usually a relaxing activity for me and it helped me Tuesday night. And around 9:30 pm, I sent myself to bed a little earlier than usual.

Wednesday morning I woke up to the "Overwhelmed" playing on the radio.



As I listened, I connected with the desire to be overwhelmed by God, not by my emotions and so I pondered again, why was I feeling this way?

My shoulders hurt, like I was carrying a lot of tension, but the day had been pretty good.
My joints hurt, especially my legs, like I'd run outside instead of on the treadmill, but I hadn't.
I was tired, but I'd gotten a fair amount of sleep.
My stomach hurt, but I thought I'd eaten pretty well. Ok, so maybe not great, but a can of Progresso was better than fast food, right?

So, why was I feeling like this? And then it hit me: all the sugar from Thanksgiving dinner. Cranberry jell-o salad, two slices of pie, ice cream, and whipped cream. And another slice of pie the next day. Yep, that would do it to me.

As soon as I had that realization, I felt a wave of peace wash over me. I felt peace knowing  what was "wrong" with me. They were just feelings, and feelings are neither right nor wrong, but I was confused as to why I was feeling them.

Armed with this knowledge, I have been trying fiercely to cut out sugar, except for the natural kind from my diet. I had a little hiccup last night as I had some pop with dinner. I noticed that I'm still slightly irritable this morning (but that could also be because the caffeine in the pop kept me up late). But, I'm doing SOOOOOO much better than I was on Tuesday. I'm no longer feeling overwhelmed by emotions and instead letting myself be overwhelmed by God's love and care for me.

Write Your Story

Every day is a choice. Every moment is a choice.

Today I started with some healthy choices. I felt good from my better eating habits and exercise habits over the last few days.

I've been burning close to 1000 calories a day from physical activity the last several days. I'm feeling physically good. And, by lunch time I was also starving from all the extra calories burned.

There just happened to be a leftover cupcake sitting in the kitchen at lunch time. I was starving. I'd eaten my healthy salad and was still hungry. It was calling my name and my willpower was low. So I ate it.

Later I got a sugar headache. I wasn't feeling great and I had a choice to make. Do I give in and grab some more crap? Or do I do a 180 and go back to healthy snacks? I thought about how my body would feel and chose the afternoon snack that would make me feel best. I chose the banana and string cheese.

I'm so glad I did. I know that if I had  given in to the junk cravings that I would be feeling miserable right now. But I didn't give in. I got out of the sugar funk and when I got home I grabbed a healthy snack before hitting the fitness center.

I burned almost another 1000 calories. And I'm feeling healthy and good... and hungry. I think I'm going to go grab a piece of fruit and some protein.

It Takes a Village

It takes a village to raise a child.

It also takes a village to succeed on this journey.

That's the reason I started this blog. I wanted to share my journey and provide encouragement to others. I hope that through sharing my ups and downs we can build our villages and find support on our journeys.

Today I read a great blog article about the "#1 Habit You Should Have to Lose Weight". (Read it here) It reminded me of why this is so important to me. I need you. And hopefully, you need me, too.

So, on that note, I want to share some successes with you.

1- I'm staying away from sugar, mostly. I had a small bowl of gelato on a date the other night. I didn't finish it, and I didn't let it set me off on a sugar binge for days. It was a small victory.

2- I've been working out regularly. My doctor says I'm at a good weight, but if I wanted I could lose 5-10 more pounds. He also said I need to focus on toning. So, I'm beefing up the abs work to tone my middle a bit more.

3. And because of that hard work.... drum roll, please.... I'm down another notch on my belt! At the end of the belt. Kind of sad because I love this belt. Guess it's time to go shopping again.

I Did It!

I did it. I made it a whole day without sugary snacks. (There was a slight setback yesterday. After I posted on my blog yesterday, I ate an apple fritter donut at church. I did not feel good while doing it. Not only because I had just posted about not eating sugar, but also because of how it made me physically feel.)

Today, my body is feeling better already. Not great, because I'm still flushing some sugar from my system and therefore my joints are still a little achy and some muscles are still stiff, but a lot better. I felt more positive; less grouchy and irritable. More energetic, less lethargic. My workout felt great, more pep in my step.

It's really helpful to stay away from the sweets when I reflect on how I feel when I eat well and observe the feelings in my body. The best part was while on the treadmill I felt like my waist was slimmer and less puffy and jiggly. It felt like things were back in place.

I feel grateful for the effort I put into taking care of myself. I am worth it.

Sugar

You got me wanting you.

I can't help myself, I love you and nobody else.

(And in honor of the recent holiday:) 

I want candy! Lots of candy!

Hello. My name is Becky 

and I'm a sugar addict.

I love sugar. Sugar does not love me.

I love sugar for the sweet taste. It instantly satisfies. It provides a rush.

But sugar always lets me down. There's always a crash later. I get a headache. I get stiff and my joints ache. It get....well, to put it nicely, I get irritable and grouchy. (Some might say bitchy.) Sugar turns me into a not nice, not good feeling person. But it's so addicting that I keep wanting more not matter how much I know it will hurt me later. It's a vicious cycle.

I'm tired of this cycle. I need to remind myself of why I like NOT eating sugary sweets. I need to remember the positives of eating healthy, low-sugar/no-sugar treats. I need to remember what sugar turns me into (a not nice person who doesn't feel good). I'm going to post these reminders by my pantry.

Where Am I Going?

I've had some off weeks these last several weeks. Hence only one post in October.
I was sick for the middle portion of the month, then spent the next week trying to recover from what was missed while I was sick. While I was sick I started out taking "ok" care of myself, eating fairly well the first few days and getting enough rest, but then things changed. I didn't rest as much and therefore I was too tired to prepare the good foods I knew my body needed. I gave into cravings and tiredness. I ordered pizza and ate junk. It took me a while to get better even after I was over the cold I didn't feel good because I was full of junk.
I knew what I needed to do to feel better: eat better and get back on the exercise routine. So I did just that and started feeling better. I felt so much better that I thought I would be ok to have some candy and sweets at a Halloween party.
I was so wrong.
Today I feel awful. Friday morning I was celebrating officially being down 70 pounds this year. Today, the scale has fluctuated up again and I'm feeling lousy because of the sugar. My body aches. I have a headache. I'm feeling irritable and cranky (that's partly due, though, to the fact that I had to go in to work on my day off).
I've done some thinking the last few days. Why have I been indulging in the sugar and junk that I KNOW will make me feel lousy? Why do I do this when I'm so close to my goal that the end is in sight? Am I afraid of reaching my goal? Where am I going? I've lost sight of how far I've come and where I am headed.

I don't think that's the answer. I think I've been on this journey for so long that I stopped celebrating the small victories and celebrating myself and my progress.
So starting now I'm recognizing my accomplishment and how far I've come in this journey. Tomorrow, I'm going to go buy myself  the new jeans that I've been waiting for and deserve. I'm also going to start back on the healthy eating and exercising plan. (I've found a a great buns workout  from the TODAY show on Facebook!)
I feel proud of how far I've come.
I feel proud of the small changes I've made.
I feel proud of myself sticking with this for so long.
I feel alive.
I feel vibrant.
I feel healthy.
I feel beautiful.
I feel proud that the inner me is now available for all to see.

How Do You Spell Relief? C-A-K-E

Birthday cupcakes- dancing shoes

Yep, that's right. I'm stressed and I tried to find relief through cake this week.

Granted, it was my birthday weekend so the cake was mostly birthday cake leftovers.

But yesterday at work (the school) there was a trip to the donut shop with my students and leftover graduation party cake. It wasn't even special cake; just a plain white cake with white frosting from some grocery store, or maybe even a big box store. Despite the fact that I've learned over the last four years that food won't bring me comfort. Despite the fact that I've learned to listen to my body and that sugar makes my body hurt. Despite the fact that I had told myself I would be fine without a donut and that I had a little bag full of all sorts of yummy food that I really wanted to eat. Despite all that I ate two pieces of cake and a salted caramel old fashioned donut.

And what did I get? A sugar headache, feeling of sluggishness and tiredness, moodiness, and an upset stomach. Oh, and no desire to do my usual walk and workout. Ugh! Why do I do this to myself?

Let's not go down that road too far. I'm not going to beat myself up. But here's a little bit of the story behind WHY I ate that way. (I find it helps me prevent it in the future and rewire my brain if I think about WHY I did what I did, but to not dwell on it and beat myself up.)

1. I was coming down off of the high of my birthday weekend. I had cake and strawberry shortcake over the weekend so sugar was in my system. It's hard to get away from my sugar craving once my body has gotten a little taste. And, I turned 35; that's a significant milestone. Another multiple of five.
As I was coming down off the high of the birthday weekend I realized that some big (hard, sad, stressful, etc.) changes are now a lot closer than before.
2. My boyfriend leaves for the Navy next week. I was there with him when he applied months ago. It seemed like we had a long time. Now the day is almost here and it's hard to face that he will soon be gone. I'm trying to process my feelings about it. I may have been too needy, too clingy this week. He's trying to process all his feelings, too. We're having a hard time communicating about this, so what do I do? I eat. And then I feel worse because now my body hurts and I'm still stressed and it hasn't done anything to help the communication.
3. The school year is ending and I'm leaving a job of four years. It's been a roller-coaster ride. I'm glad to be moving on to my next school (very excited to be teaching full-time, in first grade, again), but still, change is hard.
4. I'm moving. If you've ever moved, whether across the street, across town, or across the country you know that moving is hard and creates a lot of stress. Where will I live? How will I afford it? How will I get there? When will I get there? I have the added stress of needing to buy a car when I get there. I've mostly been relying on public transportation the last four years. Now I have to be (get to be) a car owner again- and everything that goes with it. Oh man.

Are you getting the picture that there's a lot going on in my life? Can you see how that would all be stressful?

In the midst of this I realize that I have not turned to God as much as I  need to, so today as I sat down to write an email of venting to myself (like a journal, but via email so it never goes anywhere but to me), I realized a few things. The biggest one is that I need to cling to God and not food or people. And as that thought processed in my mind I was reminded of a song that I had clung to a few months ago during another stressful time. I would play it over and over again and let it be my cry, my prayer to God. Starting today, this morning already, I'm going to be playing this song a lot as my reminder to cling to God during these stressful events. May it bless you as it has blessed me.