Words Hurt

You said some really terrible things tonight. I'm trying to believe that you didn't mean for them to be so horrible, but they sounded pretty horrible.

You said NOW I look beautiful.
You said don't gain all that weight back.

You said I look so pretty now.

Now you want to put up pictures of me in your cubicle at work. 

You said NOW men will want to come sweep me off my feet.

I'm trying to believe that you meant to say you are so proud of me for my hard work. Or that you think I look great. Period. Not great compared to how I used to look. I look great period. I was still pretty before. I radiate now. I know. 

But your words came out quantified, like compared to before when I was fat and ugly. (I wasn't fat and ugly. I was beautiful before, too.)

You said don't go back to how I was. No one plans to get fat and gain weight (again). It's not healthy. Everyone knows that. We would all choose healthy, vibrant lives for ourselves if we could. Life isn't always easy. 

I'm afraid to tell you how your words hurt me. I'm afraid that you won't understand. Does that mean I shouldn't tell you how hurt I am? I'd like to believe that because you love me you would want to try to change, but for as long as I've known you this is how you've been. Will you ever change? 

Your love has always felt conditional. That is why we can never be as close as I'd like for us to be, perhaps as close as you'd like us to be. But I have a right to keep myself safe and being close to you doesn't feel safe. 

Why do the ones we loves the most also hurt us the most?

Where Am I Going?

I've had some off weeks these last several weeks. Hence only one post in October.
I was sick for the middle portion of the month, then spent the next week trying to recover from what was missed while I was sick. While I was sick I started out taking "ok" care of myself, eating fairly well the first few days and getting enough rest, but then things changed. I didn't rest as much and therefore I was too tired to prepare the good foods I knew my body needed. I gave into cravings and tiredness. I ordered pizza and ate junk. It took me a while to get better even after I was over the cold I didn't feel good because I was full of junk.
I knew what I needed to do to feel better: eat better and get back on the exercise routine. So I did just that and started feeling better. I felt so much better that I thought I would be ok to have some candy and sweets at a Halloween party.
I was so wrong.
Today I feel awful. Friday morning I was celebrating officially being down 70 pounds this year. Today, the scale has fluctuated up again and I'm feeling lousy because of the sugar. My body aches. I have a headache. I'm feeling irritable and cranky (that's partly due, though, to the fact that I had to go in to work on my day off).
I've done some thinking the last few days. Why have I been indulging in the sugar and junk that I KNOW will make me feel lousy? Why do I do this when I'm so close to my goal that the end is in sight? Am I afraid of reaching my goal? Where am I going? I've lost sight of how far I've come and where I am headed.

I don't think that's the answer. I think I've been on this journey for so long that I stopped celebrating the small victories and celebrating myself and my progress.
So starting now I'm recognizing my accomplishment and how far I've come in this journey. Tomorrow, I'm going to go buy myself  the new jeans that I've been waiting for and deserve. I'm also going to start back on the healthy eating and exercising plan. (I've found a a great buns workout  from the TODAY show on Facebook!)
I feel proud of how far I've come.
I feel proud of the small changes I've made.
I feel proud of myself sticking with this for so long.
I feel alive.
I feel vibrant.
I feel healthy.
I feel beautiful.
I feel proud that the inner me is now available for all to see.

Little Gray Skirt

Come on, admit it. You have an article of clothing hanging around that you hope to fit into again some day. Am I right? Of course I am.

I have a beautiful size 8 gray pencil skirt that I've been hanging on to. I haven't worn it since I was in my early 20's (I'm now officially in  my mid-30's). But I haven't been saving it so I could fit into it again. I've been saving it as a reminder of how I want to feel again.

When I wore that skirt I felt beautiful, sexy, vibrant, alive, powerful, and so much more. When I was at my heaviest I no longer felt those things. I felt sluggish, big, awkward. I wanted to hide. I wanted to try to fool people into thinking I was smaller than I was.

The skirt has been hanging on the back of a door where I can see it as a reminder of those positive feelings I wanted to feel again. But life happens and things got hung on the hook and covered it up. But recently I started packing for my move this summer and I uncovered it and was reminded of my goal- to feel that way again.

Today as I was on my walk I realized that I feel that way again. I feel beautiful, sexy, vibrant, alive, powerful, desirable, full of life, full of desire to share myself with the world. I feel like me again. And guess what- I'm not at my goal weight yet. And that's ok.

I still have a ways to go to get to a healthy weight, but the biggest accomplishment is my positive reflection of myself. I feel like me again and I love me, whether I'm at my goal weight or not.

How Urban Hiker Girl Came to be

BEFORE PICTURE: at church in 2012

I started walking a lot when I was dog-sitting for several weeks in December. I realized I liked walking the dogs; it was a good excuse to get out of the house- even in the rainy, cold weather.

In December I also realized that I didn't like the way I looked on the outside. It didn't match how I felt on the inside and I needed to do something to change that. I started putting together a plan for the new me. I would change my activity (also known as the dreaded "e" word: exercise, I also call it fitness), food (also known as "diet"), my flexibility, and my strength.

There were things I wanted to be able to do again or try doing:

• jogging (granted, I hate running, and after several months of improved fitness, I still don't like it, but I wanted to be able to do it without feeling like a slug)
• climbing a rockwall
• chasing my niece and nephew around the park
• volleyball and basketball (the two sports I love to coach)

And I was sure there would be other things I would discover that I like to do.

I put started putting together a rough plan to get into better shape. Not to get back to a certain size, but to FEEL the way I felt when I was a size 8. I felt vibrant and full of life. I felt like I could do anything. I felt sexy, desirable, beautiful. I felt confident and comfortable in my own skin.

BEFORE PICTURE: at a family wedding in July 2012

I created a timeline for one year of several areas I could change and mileposts I hoped to reach. My goal for the year wasn't my end milepost but a part-way goal. Some things I included:

1. January: 10 minutes of cardio 5 times a week, stretching 2-3 times a week
2. February: strength- 12 reps with 1lbs dumbbells
3. June: try new veggies and new ways of preparing veggies
4. October: try new soup and stew recipes

I also included my weigh loss goal for each month. I thought 5 pounds a month sounded reasonable and I hoped to be under 200 pounds by the end of the year. (I started at about 265.) My end goal is to get down to about 175; I'll need to reaffirm that with my doctor, but I recall being happy and healthy at that weight.

I knew I would have to make some changes to my lifestyle. No more sitting around all evening knitting and watching MI-5 or Doc Martin. I also knew that I would have to find activities that I could do that fit within my budget. Since my "gym" budget was $0 I had few options: 1- walking, 2- jogging (quickly nixed because I hate running and knew it would be too hard on my knees at my current weight), 3- rent exercise videos from the library. I had good walking shoes and don't mind walking at all so I chose door number 1 as my physical activity (a.k.a. exercise or fitness).

BEFORE PICTURE: at a family wedding in October 2014

Other changes included cutting out sweets and carbs. Not just because they are "bad" for you (calorie-wise and nutritionally), but because I've noticed that my body doesn't like them; my joints get sore, my shoulders and neck get tense, I get headaches, and I get moody. I also cut out carbs for similar reasons; I eat less bread and pasta. I sometimes miss those things, but if I have a little then those side effects come back and I remember why I gave them up in the first place. I realized that I CAN eat a salad or soup without having a roll- it's amazing! And not eating those things allows me to fill up on other foods. I discovered that I love eating veggies and fruit! (And as an added bonus, I get to eat more of them because they have fewer calories!)

DURING PICTURE: Urban Hiker Girl on a walk
in Ballard, April 2014

Here we are near the end of April and I'm down about 35 pounds. Granted, the first two months I lost 10 pounds each month; January I was suffering from insomnia and anxiety which made it hard to eat (I had no appetite due to the stress- I don't recommend it as a weight loss plan). February I was so into my new routine and in the excitement about my great progress that I kept working hard. Things have slowed down since and I've lost 5-7 pounds a month the last two months, but it's moving in the right directions. My new goal is to be at the 200 pound mark by the end of June (my birthday month- I'll be 35!).

Each month I reevaluate my goals for the next month. Sometimes I meet a goal early (like the weight loss goal), and sometimes I need to give myself a little grace because life is crazy and I may need more time to meet my fitness goal. For example, I had thought about running a 5k this summer. I don't think that will happen; not because I don't have the stamina, but because I'm older now than when I used to be able to run and I've been carrying a lot of extra weight for a while so my knees aren't up for it. I'm keeping the "run a 5k" goal in the back of my mind, I haven't completely given up on it, but I am listening to my body to see if and when it might be ready to tackle that.

DURING PICTURE: Urban Hiker Girl goes rural
at the Skagit Valley Tulip Festival, April 2014

I can walk a 5k, though, for sure, and even a 10k. I have created several routes for myself that range from 2-7 miles around my neighborhood. When I first started all this walking back in January, I would post my trips on Facebook for my friends to see. That's when I started calling myself "Urban Hiker Girl." I used a stopwatch app on my phone and Google maps to track my route, but over the months I've tried a few phone apps that will do both. I'm now using one that links to the online app where I also log my food. It's been a great time saver and more accurate, I hope, than my stopwatch and map.

So, that's the story of how "Urban Hiker Girl" came to be. Thanks, Rochelle, for the idea to start a blog about my adventures. Keep reading and share my blog with your friends! Let's encourage one another on our journeys!