Hurting

There's a saying that "hurting people hurt people." I was wounded last night. Another person's words about things people are saying about me hurt me deeply. 

But I didn't hurt other people after that. I hurt myself. By letting the negative thoughts of their words run through my mind. By eating to numb the feelings. By eating so that I felt too full in order to try to block the pain that their words caused me.

So all night last night I continued to hurt. Thoughts of these words continued through my mind, interrupting my sleep. The food that I had eaten to try to drown the thoughts of those words cause my stomach to be upset keeping me from a restful sleep. And I awoke today not wanting to go to work to face some of these people and the words that they said. The words that have hurt me. Not wanting to go to work because I didn't sleep well. And not wanting to go to work because my stomach hurts. 

But wanting to go to work because of the faces of the little children I see every day whom I love very dearly. They are the reason that I am out of bed this morning. They are the reason I will put a smile on my face despite the pain that I am feeling inside.

I'm still hurting, physically and emotionally. So if you see me eating junk, will you ask me how I'm doing? Because chances are good that I'm hurting and trying to numb the pain.

Hope

Why do we open ourselves up to love after repeatedly getting hurt?

Why do we keep trying, even after we make fools of ourselves over the wrong person?

Hope.

We hope it will be different the next time.
We hope the next person will be different. We hope.
We don't give up; we keep hoping for a better future.

Something, someone gives us a glimmer of hope.

A smile. 

A song.
A meme on facebook.
A word from a friend.

No matter how much the last time hurt, we eventually try again. So, while I tell my girl friends that I'm swearing off men, I don't mean permanently. Just taking a break to give myself time to heal from hurt and reflect on what I learned from this experience.

This time around just reinforced something I previously learned. Unfortunately, I had to relearn, reinforce it, the hard, painful way. I have a big, loving heart that keeps hoping.

I'm not going to give up on love. It is still worth hoping for.

Exhale

Plumb - Exhale

Driving home last night from a night of dancing and I was getting teary. It's been a very emotional few days for me and mostly it's just hormones causing me to cry. My night of dancing had started off shaky with a creeper (who I think was intoxicated) at the dance lesson being inappropriate. The instructor stepped in and the night improved, but on the way home tears started to flow. I had the radio on, as I usually do, and this time it was on Air1. As I pulled into a parking space at my apartment I heard these words. They froze me in the car until the song was over.

It's ok to not be ok

This is a safe place

This is a safe place

Don't be afraid

Don't be ashamed

There's still hope

There's still hope

No matter what you've done or who you are

Everyone is welcome in His arms

Just let go, let His love wrap around you

And hold you close

Get lost in the surrender

Breathe it in until your heart breaks

Then exhale

Exhale

I had to find out who this was and get the song. I immediately searched Air1's website and found out the song and artist. The words impacted my heart greatly. I was so moved that I had to buy the track (actually, I got the whole album right there on my Smartphone from Google Play) because I knew I would want to listen again and again in the days to come.

If you've been following my blog, then you know my heart's been a little broken lately and I'm working on mending it with God's help. This song reminded me of the work I've been doing in Bible Study the last two weeks (see previous post) and with a Christian counselor over the years.

I'm a recovering perfectionist. It's been a long journey to realize that I don't have to be perfect. Yes, there's times I still strive for it. And no, it's not saying that I don't always try to do my best in all things. But I'm learning that when I do my best, it doesn't have to be perfect to be good enough for God. And in the places where I'm still broken, He's healing me and making me whole. HE is making me perfect in His eyes; His beautiful, beloved daughter. 

If you feel broken in areas of your life, I invite you to listen to this song and be reminded that God will wrap you up in His grace and love. Let Him heal you. (And if you want more, check out the Proverbs 31 Ministries Bible Study: The Mended Heart on their website.)

Breathe, close your eyes, and listen. Let the words sink in. Then listen again and let them sink deeper.

Oh God, We breathe in Your grace
We breathe in Your grace
And exhale
Oh God, we do not exist for us
But to share Your grace and love
And exhale

If you are hurting, I pray that God would bring you to a place of healing. Whether that's through this song, through checking out the "Mended Heart" Bible Study, through a Christian counselor, godly friends, or simply by His Spirit, may you receive that healing that your heart craves from Him.

Made in HIS Image

Dear Loved One,

It's been some time since we've talked. After our last conversation on the phone, I was very hurt. You went on and on about how beautiful I was NOW and about how I shouldn't get fat again. The unspoken message I heard was that I wasn't acceptable before and that your value of me is conditional based upon my physical beauty.

In the eyes of my Heavenly Father, the King of Kings, I am beautiful not because of how I look but because of whose I am. I am the daughter of the King, made in His image and He is perfect. His love for me is unconditional.

I know we are humans and are therefore imperfect people, but I hope we can try to love each other more like God loves us. I forgive you for what was said, but the words have left a mark. I'm feeling afraid to talk to you again because the last time we spoke it wasn't a safe conversation. I'm not sure what it will take to make it feel safe to talk t you again, but I think a good start would be to not talk about weight loss for a while.

Shalom,
Becky

Don't Believe Everything You Think

Thoughts are just thoughts, not facts. 

Feelings are just feelings. They aren't good or bad- they just are.

The past doesn't dictate my present or my future.

He's not that other guy, or any of those other guys, or even like my father.

I cried myself to sleep last night.

I got home from my date, washed my face, but on my pj's and laid on my bed and cried. I woke up an hour later and crawled under the covers and fell back asleep.

At first I didn't know why I was crying, I just know that something didn't feel right. I slept fitfully most of the night, until around seven this morning when I finally feel soundly asleep for a few hours.

Being more well rested I realized why I was crying and why last night felt so awful.

He said he's thinking of going back overseas again. It triggered my ancient crossed wire of men leaving me, starting with my father and all the other men I've dated.

I remember at dinner that as soon as he said it, the thought crossed my mind "what can I do to make him stay with me". I remember a feeling of slight deflation, like someone let a little air out of my balloon. I also remembered that I don't have a good poker face and that my feelings and thoughts are written plainly there. I didn't want to spoil the evening or put undo pressure on him so I tried to change my face and looked away.

Don't make decisions when stressed.

Things always seem worse in the night.

Don't be too needy or clingy.

I am glad I exercised yesterday after work. 

I'm glad I ate a big healthy salad for lunch. 

I'm glad I got a good night's sleep the night before. And last night.

Those three things helped me yesterday and today to start feeling better about myself. I woke up feeling beautiful and sexy. I woke up with fresh eyes to look at the situation. I woke up and surfed Twitter.

Yah, I surfed Twitter.

I came across an article titled "5 Ways to Lessen that Relationship Baggage (and improve self-esteem)" (read it here). I just couldn't resist, because I had an inkling that part of why I was so upset when I went to bed was because of something in my past. The article spoke to me from the first sentence. It could have been words I was saying to myself. It was what I most needed to hear this morning. I kept reading; I was hooked. It's all advice I've heard many times before. All things I know to do or to avoid. They were good reminders.

Yes, I have relationship baggage. We all do. One of my oldest hurts and biggest fears is  that the man in my life will leave me. It started in childhood. It continued through to adulthood. In many past dating relationships men have left me. On a few occasions I left them before they could leave and hurt me. Last night that old wire was triggered.

He is not those guys. He is not my dad. He may leave me. He may not. I may leave him. But today is not the day for that to happen. He is a good man.

No matter what, I will be ok.

I am ok.

Words Hurt

You said some really terrible things tonight. I'm trying to believe that you didn't mean for them to be so horrible, but they sounded pretty horrible.

You said NOW I look beautiful.
You said don't gain all that weight back.

You said I look so pretty now.

Now you want to put up pictures of me in your cubicle at work. 

You said NOW men will want to come sweep me off my feet.

I'm trying to believe that you meant to say you are so proud of me for my hard work. Or that you think I look great. Period. Not great compared to how I used to look. I look great period. I was still pretty before. I radiate now. I know. 

But your words came out quantified, like compared to before when I was fat and ugly. (I wasn't fat and ugly. I was beautiful before, too.)

You said don't go back to how I was. No one plans to get fat and gain weight (again). It's not healthy. Everyone knows that. We would all choose healthy, vibrant lives for ourselves if we could. Life isn't always easy. 

I'm afraid to tell you how your words hurt me. I'm afraid that you won't understand. Does that mean I shouldn't tell you how hurt I am? I'd like to believe that because you love me you would want to try to change, but for as long as I've known you this is how you've been. Will you ever change? 

Your love has always felt conditional. That is why we can never be as close as I'd like for us to be, perhaps as close as you'd like us to be. But I have a right to keep myself safe and being close to you doesn't feel safe. 

Why do the ones we loves the most also hurt us the most?