If You Give a Teacher A Plan...

It's the night before the end of the quarter and I'm totally relaxed. It's the weirdest feeling ever.

Normally, teachers are frantically entering grades, writing comments, and all sorts of other end of quarter projects. But I'm pretty chill. And this is a first. No, I didn't forget something (or some things). I spread out my projects and started them earlier, giving myself earlier deadlines.

I did this because I knew what I wanted tonight to be like. I did not want the usual late night at school, either having a late dinner once I finally got home at 9 pm, ordering pizza delivers to school and eating most or all of it because I'm stressed, or skipping dinner altogether. I wanted a night with dinner at home before going to dance lessons. I wanted a night with a normal meal time. I wanted a night where I can get well rested for the big event after a full day of teaching tomorrow.

I wanted a low stress day. So I planned for it.

Best. Plan. Ever.

Planning to stagger my deadlines and get things done early allowed me to take care of my life outside of work. Because I didn't have to stay late to finish all those things, I got to eat a healthy, homemade dinner within the time frame my body needs to eat each day.

And because I ate a healthy homemade dinner within my eating window, I will sleep well tonight.

And because I got home to eat in my time frame, I was able to go to my dance lesson.

And because my school work is done, my dinner eaten in my eating window, and my dance lesson attended, I will sleep well tonight, well rested and ready for a very full day to wrap up the third quarter.

All thanks to good planning.

If I can do this with my school work and eating habits, I should do this with my finances....

Hurting

There's a saying that "hurting people hurt people." I was wounded last night. Another person's words about things people are saying about me hurt me deeply. 

But I didn't hurt other people after that. I hurt myself. By letting the negative thoughts of their words run through my mind. By eating to numb the feelings. By eating so that I felt too full in order to try to block the pain that their words caused me.

So all night last night I continued to hurt. Thoughts of these words continued through my mind, interrupting my sleep. The food that I had eaten to try to drown the thoughts of those words cause my stomach to be upset keeping me from a restful sleep. And I awoke today not wanting to go to work to face some of these people and the words that they said. The words that have hurt me. Not wanting to go to work because I didn't sleep well. And not wanting to go to work because my stomach hurts. 

But wanting to go to work because of the faces of the little children I see every day whom I love very dearly. They are the reason that I am out of bed this morning. They are the reason I will put a smile on my face despite the pain that I am feeling inside.

I'm still hurting, physically and emotionally. So if you see me eating junk, will you ask me how I'm doing? Because chances are good that I'm hurting and trying to numb the pain.

Old(er)

My birthday is coming up in a few weeks! I'll be 37... no big deal; age is just a number.

Isn't it?

This week, though, I've heard on the radio several times that around age 37/38 people claim to start feeling old. I scoffed. I don't feel like I'm old. I still feel young, vibrant, and energetic. But this radio spot that kept coming on has gotten me thinking. Hmmm....

• I enjoy keeping things routine. Trainer workout on Monday. Volleyball followed by Rancheritos on Wednesday. Ballroom dancing on Friday. West Coast Swing dancing on Saturday. And resuming next week, Tuesday night dancing outdoors to live music in downtown.
• I don't like staying up late anymore. (Ok, aside from the fact that I'm writing this at 1am, I am usually not awake at this hour. The only reason I'm up this late is because of the dancing. And because stress kept me awake last night, so I took a long nap this afternoon, and now I'm not ready to go to bed.) Usually, during the week I'm in bed by 10 and on the weekend.... maybe a little later, depending on dancing.

Ok, so maybe there's not a lot of overwhelming evidence. But I certainly do like my routines. But maybe it's just my way of taking care of myself.

Confession time. I've not gone to a couple friend's birthday parties recently because they conflict with dancing. And also because they revolve around food. I have been invited to birthday dinners out at restaurants. Yes, I feel some sadness about not being with my friends to celebrate these milestones in their lives. And, yes, I do wonder if they'll come to my birthday event since I didn't go to theirs. But these are the choices I'm making right now because it's how I'm taking care of me in the best way I know how to do in this moment.

Partly I haven't gone because of finances; I don't have a big budget for eating out. (I'd rather spend my entertainment money on doing, not eating.) The other reason, the big reason, is that I don't want my social life to revolve around food. Using food for entertainment is a big reason why I got overweight in the first place. I want to spend time with my friends DOING something, not EATING. *Note: only one event in my weekly routine has food attached, and that food comes after a lot of physical activity.

I guess that's why I'm not planning a big birthday party for myself. I don't want it to be about food - I want it to be about time with my friends. That's why I'm planning to continue doing my favorite activities during my birthday week, but I'm inviting my friends to join me. And there may or may not be birthday cake. What I want more is just to be around people I care about who also care about me. That's what's important to me.

So to my friend's whose birthday dinners I have missed - I'm sorry. I do love and care about you. I enjoy the time we spend together at volleyball, dancing, or other activities; however, I don't want to give up my beloved activities to spend several hours sitting and eating. I love you, but I also love me. And I love me too much to not take care of myself by not doing the physical activities I love. For too many years I put myself on the back burner. I'm taking care of me now.

My dear friends, I have some sadness about not attending your birthday dinners. You are important. I feel a tug in my heart to go. But I also feel a strong tug in my heart to go dance and enjoy the things I love - a healthy (and budget friendly) dinner at home and dancing for hours. I'm listening to my heart as it tells me what my body needs to have peace right now. Is that getting old, or is that just maturity and self-awareness....

I *Think* I May Be Stressed

I think I may be stressed.

Yah, I'm pretty sure I am. Last month was rough. There was a lot going on at school: Epiphany program which included daytime practices and an evening performance, National Lutheran Schools Week which included special dress-up days and some special events, Social Studies fair which included special classroom activities and an evening event, and that's just the work-related stuff.

I do try to have a life outside of school, though sometimes that's hard. We teachers take home papers to grade and lessons to plan, so even when the end of the day bell rings we aren't actually done with work. We could spend several hours a night on those two things alone, if we let ourselves.

I also try to take care of myself physically by cooking more at home and exercising regularly. Last month that was kind of sketchy, though by some miracle of miracles I finally managed to hit the 100 pound  mark on the last day of the month.

I know I didn't eat as well as I could have. My upset stomach most of the month and red spots currently residing on my face are proof of that. After a year of focusing on taking care of myself and noticing how my body feels in response to what I eat and the exercise I get, you'd think I'd have learned by now.

Yet here I am today, blogging about how stressed I am. I feel crappy. Yesterday I got up and weighed in and was riding a high for a few hours after discovering that I'd finally hit the 100 pound mark. So I treated myself to a lunch at Chipotle and ate 1100 calories which made me feel awful. To top that off, I ate 4 pieces of carb-loaded, greasy pizza for dinner. I don't think I had a single fruit or vegetable yesterday, except for a few dismal slivers of green pepper on the supreme supreme pizza and boy am I feeling it today.

I woke up exhausted, despite getting about 10 hours of sleep. I'm pretty sure it's a combination of having had a busy, long week last week at the end of a long month AND not eating well yesterday. So how do I feel this morning?

I'm slightly freaking out. Friday my date was great and things seemed back to normal. Today, the scale says I'm 2.3 pounds heavier than I was yesterday morning so I'm feeling bloated and uncomfortable in my own skin and questioning my relationship with the guy. The big question: Is he seeing anyone else and do I want to ask? Because if the answer is yes, than I may want to stay in my blissfully ignorant state. If the answer is no then life can go on as before.

I feel like crawling into a cave today and hiding, after I workout, of course. A cave where I can eat vegetables and fruit to hopefully make my tummy feel better again. But it's Super Bowl Sunday and my team is playing. I've been invited to a party. I know I'll have a good time watching the game, but I also know there will be lots of food. I need a plan, but I'm just feeling so drained I don't want to. Would it be weird to show up with a little lunch bag full of food for just me to eat? You know, healthy stuff so I know there are options I'll feel good about. That might be the plan, or part of the plan.

I hear my phone chirping in the other room, I think the guy responded to an earlier question. Now, do I want to ask the big question or wait until I'm feeling better about myself?.... I think I'll wait. That may be slightly chicken of me, but I also know that in my current state it would probably result in some emotional eating and I don't want to do emotional eating so this is taking care of myself.

Yep, I'm stressed. Football. Relationship. Work. Food. Lack of sleep. Definitely stressed. Time to go do some self-care in the fitness center.

Uncomfortable and Unsure

Confession: All week I've felt bloated and been gassy.

I'm sorry, I know it's not lady-like and perhaps it's TMI. But it happens to all of us, right? And hey, this is my personal blog you're reading, so it's like you're reading my diary of sorts.

I've been uncomfortable in my own skin all week. My clothes feel like they fit a little differently- uncomfortably- even though the scale doesn't say I've gained weight. But this discomfort has been affecting my thoughts, mood, and emotions.

I've noticed this week that I've questioned if my guy likes me. Nothing in the way he interacts with me has changed for the worse, so where do these doubts come from? I can only conclude that it's because I'm not happy with me. (In fact, things seem a bit better between us. I've been distant because I haven't felt good and he's seemed more eager to reach out to me, which is a good thing I believe.)

Reflecting on my food choices this week, I've stayed in my calorie limits and I don't think I've eaten anything terribly bad for me. In fact, I've eaten mostly good homemade dinners, which isn't always the case. But I've eaten rushed meals or eaten later in the evening than usual. I suspect that these may be culprits in my "stomach problems".

I also think I've missed out on eating enough veggies. That, I think, could be another big problem. Tomorrow, I'm back to my big salad for lunch routine. And if I get to bed soon and sleep well, I'm getting back to my workout routine after taking the past two days off for various reasons. (I know I shouldn't workout 7 days a week because the body needs rest, but I didn't even have energy for a short, moderately paced walk today that I was hoping to get in.)

So, while I'm feeling uncomfortable in my skin and having moments of doubt about my relationship (wondering if he still actually likes me, I know I still like him), I have realized it's not a good time to make any decisions (about the relationship, or other major things). I need to take care of myself and try to get back to status quo with my food, exercise, and sleep. I need to care for my physical self which will then help care for my emotional self- starting now. It's time for bed. Hopefully a good night's sleep, a salad for lunch tomorrow, and I'll start to feel like a new woman, my old self again.

Happy New Year

I've had several ideas for Blog post titles and ideas going through my head the last couple days. Too bad I didn't write them down so now I don't know what  great words of wisdom I thought I had to share.

So maybe it doesn't have to be majorly inspiring (awe-inspiring or otherwise), maybe it's ok if this is just about every day life. Here goes.

It's the new year. Any resolutions? No, actually, I've only ever made one resolution in my life (and stuck to it) that I remember. But I do have some goals for this year.

1. Think before I eat.
2. Remember why I started this journey- keep in front of me my goals that I started with last year.
3. Don't let food rule my life and don't let emotions rule my eating.
4. Don't make decisions when I'm feeling out of sorts, other than to get back into sorts by getting a good night's sleep, eat good for me food, and get some physical activity into my day; in other words- take care of myself.

The last two weeks I sort of forgot some of these things. I know, it's the holidays, stress mounts, it's easy to do, but then one might question the importance of those goals in the first place if they are so easily forgotten or set aside. They don't lose their importance during the holidays, in fact I should focus on them even more carefully when I know I will be stressed, as a form of self-care and stress-prevention.

As I sit here writing, I'm over-tired and my stomach is upset with me. I didn't get enough sleep last night and I haven't eaten well today. Not very good self-care. I'm not going to beat myself up, but I am doing some self-observation to remind myself how this came to be and reminding myself of my goals and what I need to do to get back on track.

Note to Self:

What do I need? I need to get to bed soon (but I knew I needed to get some of these thoughts of my head and shared with you so that I would sleep better). I also need to rub some peppermint oil on my belly, drink my peppermint tea, and forgive myself for not eating enough fruit, veggies, and good protein today. I'm coming up with a plan for tomorrow, starting with going to bed soon tonight and heading to the fitness center at the top of my priority list for tomorrow, along with defrosting some chicken so I can cook at home tomorrow instead of eat out.

Knowing these things are making me not feel like my normal, lovely self, I'm observing how I am feeling instead. I'm feeling needy and oh so very short-tempered. I want company, but only someone who will pamper me. I'm not sure it's fair to inflict myself on anyone, so I'm not asking for company. And the poor cat keeps getting pushed off my lap and tossed out of my bedroom. (Somewhat in my defense, every time she goes in my bedroom she chews on my wall decor or the tassels on my throw pillows or knocks my fragile angels on the floor breaking their wings off, so I'm only protecting my things.) Oh, and the darned cat keeps stopping right in front of my feet when I'm walking; and since she's dark gray and small and our apartment is poorly lit she's almost gotten stepped on on a few occasions. And I'm having very little patience with her.

And men. Should I even go there? I just don't understand them. Most of the time I don't think I ever will. Ok, so taking my own advice, I'm going to not make any decisions or assumptions about what this particular one is thinking or feeling. I'm going to go put my pajamas on, turn off my phone, and crawl into bed for a good night's sleep. Maybe my relationship with him (and food!) will look differently (better!) in the morning after a long night's sleep.

How Urban Hiker Girl Came to be

BEFORE PICTURE: at church in 2012

I started walking a lot when I was dog-sitting for several weeks in December. I realized I liked walking the dogs; it was a good excuse to get out of the house- even in the rainy, cold weather.

In December I also realized that I didn't like the way I looked on the outside. It didn't match how I felt on the inside and I needed to do something to change that. I started putting together a plan for the new me. I would change my activity (also known as the dreaded "e" word: exercise, I also call it fitness), food (also known as "diet"), my flexibility, and my strength.

There were things I wanted to be able to do again or try doing:

• jogging (granted, I hate running, and after several months of improved fitness, I still don't like it, but I wanted to be able to do it without feeling like a slug)
• climbing a rockwall
• chasing my niece and nephew around the park
• volleyball and basketball (the two sports I love to coach)

And I was sure there would be other things I would discover that I like to do.

I put started putting together a rough plan to get into better shape. Not to get back to a certain size, but to FEEL the way I felt when I was a size 8. I felt vibrant and full of life. I felt like I could do anything. I felt sexy, desirable, beautiful. I felt confident and comfortable in my own skin.

BEFORE PICTURE: at a family wedding in July 2012

I created a timeline for one year of several areas I could change and mileposts I hoped to reach. My goal for the year wasn't my end milepost but a part-way goal. Some things I included:

1. January: 10 minutes of cardio 5 times a week, stretching 2-3 times a week
2. February: strength- 12 reps with 1lbs dumbbells
3. June: try new veggies and new ways of preparing veggies
4. October: try new soup and stew recipes

I also included my weigh loss goal for each month. I thought 5 pounds a month sounded reasonable and I hoped to be under 200 pounds by the end of the year. (I started at about 265.) My end goal is to get down to about 175; I'll need to reaffirm that with my doctor, but I recall being happy and healthy at that weight.

I knew I would have to make some changes to my lifestyle. No more sitting around all evening knitting and watching MI-5 or Doc Martin. I also knew that I would have to find activities that I could do that fit within my budget. Since my "gym" budget was $0 I had few options: 1- walking, 2- jogging (quickly nixed because I hate running and knew it would be too hard on my knees at my current weight), 3- rent exercise videos from the library. I had good walking shoes and don't mind walking at all so I chose door number 1 as my physical activity (a.k.a. exercise or fitness).

BEFORE PICTURE: at a family wedding in October 2014

Other changes included cutting out sweets and carbs. Not just because they are "bad" for you (calorie-wise and nutritionally), but because I've noticed that my body doesn't like them; my joints get sore, my shoulders and neck get tense, I get headaches, and I get moody. I also cut out carbs for similar reasons; I eat less bread and pasta. I sometimes miss those things, but if I have a little then those side effects come back and I remember why I gave them up in the first place. I realized that I CAN eat a salad or soup without having a roll- it's amazing! And not eating those things allows me to fill up on other foods. I discovered that I love eating veggies and fruit! (And as an added bonus, I get to eat more of them because they have fewer calories!)

DURING PICTURE: Urban Hiker Girl on a walk
in Ballard, April 2014

Here we are near the end of April and I'm down about 35 pounds. Granted, the first two months I lost 10 pounds each month; January I was suffering from insomnia and anxiety which made it hard to eat (I had no appetite due to the stress- I don't recommend it as a weight loss plan). February I was so into my new routine and in the excitement about my great progress that I kept working hard. Things have slowed down since and I've lost 5-7 pounds a month the last two months, but it's moving in the right directions. My new goal is to be at the 200 pound mark by the end of June (my birthday month- I'll be 35!).

Each month I reevaluate my goals for the next month. Sometimes I meet a goal early (like the weight loss goal), and sometimes I need to give myself a little grace because life is crazy and I may need more time to meet my fitness goal. For example, I had thought about running a 5k this summer. I don't think that will happen; not because I don't have the stamina, but because I'm older now than when I used to be able to run and I've been carrying a lot of extra weight for a while so my knees aren't up for it. I'm keeping the "run a 5k" goal in the back of my mind, I haven't completely given up on it, but I am listening to my body to see if and when it might be ready to tackle that.

DURING PICTURE: Urban Hiker Girl goes rural
at the Skagit Valley Tulip Festival, April 2014

I can walk a 5k, though, for sure, and even a 10k. I have created several routes for myself that range from 2-7 miles around my neighborhood. When I first started all this walking back in January, I would post my trips on Facebook for my friends to see. That's when I started calling myself "Urban Hiker Girl." I used a stopwatch app on my phone and Google maps to track my route, but over the months I've tried a few phone apps that will do both. I'm now using one that links to the online app where I also log my food. It's been a great time saver and more accurate, I hope, than my stopwatch and map.

So, that's the story of how "Urban Hiker Girl" came to be. Thanks, Rochelle, for the idea to start a blog about my adventures. Keep reading and share my blog with your friends! Let's encourage one another on our journeys!