Fear Cannot Keep Me Here

Tonight I took a big step towards a new me. Just in case you didn't know, I'm not perfect - shocking, I know. I've had trouble in the past believing that I was worthy of unconditional love and it's led to some unhealthy relationship in my life. I didn't believe I was lovable to others let alone myself. I used to try to do and be what I thought would make others love me. I would strive so hard to show others I was worthy of love.

A few days ago I posted about seeing my beauty and recognizing that I deserve a man who would see that too, not just lust after my physical beauty but someone who would also see my inner beauty, I decided it was time to set some firm boundaries in my life, especially around dating. (see blog post "I See Me")

I thought the guy I had kind of been seeing was gone from my life (just disappeared, stopped communicating), which was painful, but a good way to start fresh. Then he suddenly reappeared claiming a technology problem kept him from communicating for a few days. (Things had been weird for most of the week before the communication stopped.) I felt the devil trying to chip away at this new resolve to see how strong it is. And my mind did start to wander down that old path of lies about myself. But I pulled myself back, with God's help.

"The Mended Heart" Bible Study
by Suzanne Eller

I was reminded of this new me, this new attitude, this new belief, as I did my "Mended Heart" Bible Study today. I don't have to believe those old lies, those old ways of thinking. I felt reinvigorated to keep going in this new direction that God was leading me.

And then loneliness and doubt started creeping in again this evening so I decided to take myself for a walk with the hope that fresh air and good music would turn my mood around, or give me a safe place to cry and talk to God.

As I started to slowly walk with my head down, I felt the tears creeping into the corners of my eyes. But then this song came on. It's part of an album I just downloaded for the title track. But this song, THIS song, got to me. I half listened the first time it came on. Then I hit repeat. Again. And again. And again. I replayed this song about 6 times until I was singing along loudly, chin held high, pumping my arms, and walking fast with a smile on my face.

This song reminded me of what I've been repeatedly reminded of in my Bible Study. The chains are broken and I am free from my sins of my past and my old beliefs about mysel
f. God is reaching out to me to heal my broken heart. Fear does not have to have control over me any more. This song is telling fear that it no longer has control.

I know I'm gonna need this reminder again. This is an old chain, and old habit to break. I'm gonna need time to reinforce a new belief. God is patient, He will gently keep calling me back to Him. Thank goodness I'm not alone!

Time to Get Creative

The end of another month is approaching. That means it's time to switch up my workout routine again. I've been alternating my workout sets (upper body sets and lower body sets) every other month. I'm kind of ready to bring in something new. 

I follow a couple blogs from fitness professionals (Jenna Wolfe on Today.com and MyFitnessPal.com's fitness blog). Usually, I pull in ideas from those places with workouts from my trainer I had many years ago in North Carolina, and mix it all together to make it work in my little fitness center at the apartment complex. It's been working so far; I've lost 20 pounds since living here and toned up a bit. But I'm getting bored with alternating the same workouts every other month. 

With the warmer weather here I'll definitely be incorporating more outdoor walk. I've mapped out two routes so far. One route is just under 4 miles and the other is about 4.5 miles. I think I need to look for a route that is about 3 miles, and one that is 5-6 miles, just to give myself plenty of options.

My immediate goal is to find something that I can do while travelling that requires no weights, can use exercise bands or body weight, and can be done either in my room or outside. Spring Break is coming, I'll be visiting family, and don't want to lose what I've gained, but I also don't want to sacrifice family time either. 

Please share your favorite "anytime, anywhere" activities for fitness in comments. Links to videos to demonstrate are always appreciated!

I Am Joy

I'm learning to let go.

It's not easy. It doesn't happen overnight.

Several weeks ago my boyfriend and I decided to move on in different directions. (That's a really nice, adult way of saying we broke up.) I cried, a lot. I ate cookies and sweets and other "crap"; I'm an emotional eater, it's what I do. I've been working on NOT eating because of my emotions, but in times of extreme stress (say the end of a significant relationship) those old habits resurface. I did less damage than I would have in the past, but I still did them. I'm not perfect. (Guess what? I don't have to be either!) And if it makes you feel any better, I did work out to try to compensate for some of the "damage" the sweets did to my diet. It certainly made me feel better as I burned off calories and frustrations.

I started dating again. The first one was awkward and I never heard from him again. The second one asked me out again. It was nice, but also a little awkward. He asked me out a third time... we'll see. Guys number three and four are also in the line-up for dates this weekend. Whew, I'm not sure how I'll keep them all straight!

Sunbursts through clouds on my walk home on September 30th.

Sun reflecting off the clouds on my walk home on October 1st.

Ahhhh. It's a beautiful evening.

Still, occasional feelings about my previous boyfriend come up. This weekend I had some tears. I remembered and missed the fun times he and I had together. He took me on many dating adventures. We supported each other through some tough times. I met his family. Big stuff. I missed it. I missed his friendship.

As I walked home yesterday (5 miles, 1 hour 30 minutes) I had some time to think. I thought about why I was sad about the past relationship and the excitement of looking forward to new potential relationships.A tear or two may have come to my eye as I saw beautiful views and thought of how he would have loved to see and photograph them. Lots of mixed feelings on my walk and lots of time to think about things. By the time I got home yesterday I was "thought out" and the only thing on my mind was how tired and hungry I was; after all, I was walking during dinner time.

Today, I felt such peace on my walk home. No longer feeling mixed emotions; ready to let go of the past and even more now looking forward to the future. I felt happy about the progress I've made in letting him go and moving on. I feel grateful for the time we shared, the lessons I learned about myself and love and life, and that I was able to give and receive (in his own way) love. And I am looking forward to taking what I've learned about myself and relationships and love to use in the future. I feel happy.

As I walked home I thought of those lessons and when I thought of him I felt peace. No longing. No regrets. Just peace. I saw a beautiful sunset and thought of how much he would have enjoyed photographing the stunning colors and light. It was a lovely feeling and a lovely moment. I feel proud of myself for that.

I am joy. And that is the best part.

(Sub)Urban Hiker Girl Sets Out

My favorite kind of flower grows wild here!

Urban Hiker Girl set out today on a suburban walk. It was a beautiful fall day and I just couldn't stand sitting around indoors all day, so I put on shorts and a long sleeved t-shirt, tied on my tennis shoes, grabbed my headphones, turned on my GPS to map my walk and set out. 

Along the way I sang along to the music, saw some beautiful sights, and did some thinking. 

Not a lot, but just a little.

I thought about how flat it is here. No hills, so the walk was pretty mild compared to my urban hikes in Seattle.

And I thought about how absolutely beautiful it is here, but in a different way from Seattle. I can't say that I have a favorite, but I am so grateful for my home here.

And I thought about what a beautiful day it was and what a beautiful sunset we will have.

I love my new home.

Urban Hiker Girl Is Now In Utah!

Urban Hiker Girl has gone suburban! Though I don't have my Utah driver's license yet, as of 7pm last night I now live in Utah.

Due to thunderstorms today I decided to do my walking indoors this afternoon at the fitness center of my new apartment. There's also a universal weight machine that I gave a try. It felt good to get hot and sweaty from a good workout and not just from walking through the Seattle humidity for a few minutes.

As the weather here improves I look forward to exploring the area on foot. I'll be sure to post pictures.

I'm going to keep this entry short today as I don't have internet in the apartment yet so I'm using the shared computer in the clubhouse lobby, which is due to close soon; just wanted to give you all a quick update that the Urban Hiker Girl is alive and well, but now in Utah!

Keep walking, my friends!

Walked 4.7 Miles for Tape

Tuesday, while packing boxes, I ran out of packing tape. Usually we have several spare rolls because my mom likes to send little goodies in the mail to my niece and nephew, but after a quick search I found none. No tape. Fortunately, it was close to dinner time so it was a good time to call it quits.

I had planned to stop at the Uhaul store on my way to dinner and Bible study on Tuesday evening, but in my excitement to get there early (or on-time, as opposed to having been late the last month) I completely forgot, and, of course, everything was closed on my way home at 9:00pm. So, Wednesday morning as I got up and did my upper body weight training exercises I planned my walking route to include a trip to the store for tape and the grocery store for lunch.

Both the tape store and grocery store are about 1 mile due south of my home. I wanted to get more than a 2 mile walk in, so, strapping on my backpack to carry home my supplies in, I headed out. I walked west, then south/southeast to arrive at the stores. I picked up six rolls of tape (not gonna run out again, baby!) and a salad, yogurt, and banana for my lunch and afternoon snack. I was feeling good and ready to go.

When I got home I thought that I'd may be walked about 4 miles, but upon checking my GPS tracker it said I had walked 4.7 miles. I walked 4.7 miles to get tape for packing boxes. Go me! I felt great and I could enjoy frozen yogurt with my friend Lisa that night without feeling guilty that I might go over my calorie goal for the day. (In fact, I counted 1 cup of frozen yogurt, 2 T of hot fudge, and a scoop of peanut butter cup pieces and I was still under my calorie goal for the day. That was pretty exciting, too!)

The Dog(s) That Started It All

For the Fourth of July weekend I was asked to dog-sit some of my favorite pets- the dogs that started it all, Casey and Rudy. It was back in December of 2013 that I walked those boys every day for a mile or so and I thought to myself "I feel good doing all this walking," AND "I want to eat better, fuel my body with better food, because walking makes me feel better." So, one night after getting back from our daily constitutional, I sat down and started working on my plan. And so it began....

The family had lost to cancer the cat they had and so on July 1, I went to meet the new cat, Diego. Casey eagerly greeted me at the door, but Rudy was not in sight, "Perhaps he's in the backyard," I thought to myself. Sadly, I discovered on inquiry, that Rudy's cancer had come back, and that combined with his incontinence that came with old age, caused them to choose to put him down in early June.

Snuggling with Diego and Casey.

I felt a moment of sadness for the loss. Rudy was a big old Husky whose tail was always wagging and he always looked like he was smiling. But, he was always having accidents and never seemed to be able to settle down comfortably. Poor old Rudy; I'll miss him.

But, Casey was still there and very, very happy to see me. And Diego was just a cute little fur ball, full of the energy of a 2 year old kitten. And for four days I got to walk with at least one of the dogs that helped get me started on this journey. I'm gonna miss "my" animals. (Anyone in Sandy, UT need a dog-sitter?)

Brownies for Breakfast

Ok, so getting back in the saddle again was a little harder than I had anticipated.

I'm still dealing with a great deal of stress so I let myself sleep in a little later than usual, but not too much later. I'm dog-sitting and the dog is on a schedule so I had to get up to let her out to toilet. What did when I got up to take her out? I ate a brownie. Then I took her out. And what did I do after bringing her back in? I ate another brownie.

Hmmm....definitely not part of the plan for the day. I went back to bed to sleep it off. I dozed for a while longer before deciding to read in bed and do some writing. I started feeling better and found some motivation to get up and go for a walk. That was part of the plan for the day.

I brushed the bed head out of my hair (sort of) and put it in a half pony tail, put on my workout clothes and tennis shoes, and headed out the door. I walked 3.25 miles and felt great afterwards!

I listened to my body and what it needed, at least for the rest of the day. All in all, the day ended well. Things are looking better and tomorrow is another day to get back up and ride again. Giddy up!

Back In The Saddle Again

A congratulatory kiss after he swore in to the Navy
on June 19, 2014 at the Seattle MEPS building.

For the last week I put some things on the back burner. I relaxed a bit on my eating plan, didn't walk several
miles a day as usual, and didn't do my stretching or weight training. It was a choice I made so that I could focus on my boyfriend during our final days together before he shipped out to boot camp. I wouldn't change putting him first, thought I might have indulged in a bit fewer carbs if I had it to do over again.

But today I am back to putting my eating, walking, stretching, and weight training in focus. Sort of.

I chose to walk the mile to work and back home again at the end of the day. I chose to eat a salad for lunch, and yogurt and fruit for snacks. I chose my usual breakfast, and I chose an omelet for dinner. I also chose to eat four brownies with cream cheese frosting. Getting back in the saddle again is hard.

But I faced the hard truth and logged my food. Including the two one-mile walks that I took today, I was over by about 600 calories today. Since there was still plenty of daylight left I grabbed my headphones and took myself for a long walk.  I wandered all over Capitol Hill crossing streets in whatever direction the light was going. I ended up walking just over 3 miles in about an hour (my tracker didn't pick up the GPS signal until I was several blocks in to my walk).

I ended the day feeling better from my walk and exercise and proud of most of my choices. Tomorrow, my goals are:
1. Sleep in.
2. Make good food choices- no carbs and fewer sweets.
3. Walk at least 3 miles.
4. Stretch and do weight training.
5. Start working on a plan for my move to Utah.
6. Clean/tidy up my room.

Happy Birthday Weekend to Me!

It's my birthday weekend! Hooray!!

Having my birthday cookie and eating it, too!

An excuse to set aside the diet, eat cake, and enjoy, right? Well, yes and no. Yes, I have the freedom to do those things, but no, I don't think I will. I will choose to make good choices because I want to not because I have to.

I bought a cookie cake to bring to school to share with my students for my school birthday celebration today. Due to stressful events at work I ended up eating not only 1 slice of cookie cake, but two more after that. In my mind on the way to work that morning I planned to abstain because I didn't want the calories, knew I would have a hard time controlling sugar cravings if I started, and because I wanted to be able to enjoy my birthday cake tomorrow (being made by friends) without guilt of having eaten too many sweets over too many days.

That plan flew out the window, as I mentioned, due to stress. I beat myself up for a little bit, and felt the pain of too much sugar after having abstained, by choice, for a long time. But upon reflecting about WHY I made that choice I let go of my guilt and stopped beating myself up. I then made a plan to help myself feel better.

My plan was to get in as many walks (big and little) during the day as I could and to make sensible choices about my food the rest of the day. So while my class was with another teacher I went for a 25 minute walk. And I counted the whole-school trip to and from the park this afternoon. And I took myself for a long walk after school while waiting for the end of year school picnic to start. (Which reminds me, I need to wrap this up quickly because the picnic is starting now!) I also chose to not eat the big healthy salad I packed for my lunch because I was full on cookies. Yes, the salad was a healthy choice, but I knew that stuffing myself with food, even healthy food, wouldn't make me feel better. So instead I ate some peppers and hummus, and a plum. I felt great making that choice.

Now, with all the extra calories I earned from all my walking I have plenty of calories left for today so my big decision to make is: do I eat the salad I planned for lunch or do I choose wisely from the picnic foods? I think I'll go scout out the food offerings now and make a plan!

Share in the comments your strategies for surviving a potluck picnic!

Just Another Day in Paradise

I got home from church this afternoon and knew I needed to do something good for me, but wasn't feeling very motivated to do anything. Then I remembered my promise on Facebook to try out some new activities that work abs (here's the link to the MyFitnessPal article), so I pulled out my print off of the article to see which activity I wanted to try. Since it was a "legs" day I decided to try the lunges on a rolled towel. Oh man did I start to feel it after just a few!

As I've mentioned in a few previous posts, the walking time can be great for thinking and reflecting. Unfortunately, the way my mind was wandering was towards some painful thoughts that were bringing pain and tears. A few months ago this happened to me and I gave in to the feelings and turned around to go home. I called a girlfriend, in tears, as I walked home.

Today I didn't want to give in to the pain and tears I decided to push through. I focused on the walk. Moving my legs, pumping  my arms, feeling the sun on my face. I pushed through the pain telling myself that if I need to I can deal with it later. I'm sure it'll come up later, but I'll feel it and deal with it when I'm in a safe place.

I love being able to take care of myself in this way. Sometimes I give in to the feelings and work through them right away. Sometimes I tell myself that it's not safe to feel them right now and I give myself permission to feel them later. Some of you reading this may be saying "of course, doesn't everyone do this?" To which I must say "no, not everyone knows how to do this or is able to give themselves permission to do this." It's an amazing skill I just learned in the last few years. I'm a very feeling-oriented person, but to know my feelings don't have to rule me is very empowering to me.

I'm glad I pushed through my walk and kept going. I was able to enjoy the sunshine, moving my body, and the act of walking. I ended my 4.4 mile route wishing I could have walked longer. (I have other stuff to get to this afternoon, like dance lessons, so I couldn't but it was great to want to do more!) And now to end this post- I've got a dance lesson to get to!

More Than Just a Walk

Urban Hiking is more than just a walk around town.

It's a chance to reflect on the day. Time to blow off steam. Time to push through the pain or the rain. A chance to get out and enjoy the sunshine and the fact that I can move my body.

Yesterday was a day for reflection and time to consider my feelings.

I've been living with my mother for the past almost four years. (Long story short, I lost my job and times were tough so I moved home for a while. Things are picking up and I'll be moving out this summer.) We've had some challenges as we figure out the mother-daughter, two adult women living together, roommate situation. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

Yesterday we had a chat about a recent situation that caused her to worry about me. I appreciate that she was concerned about me, but I didn't want to tell her everything about the situation. But knowing my mother, she is an information sponge. She wants to know as much info as she can about any given situation. It was uncomfortable for her to not know. I appreciate that she was concerned and shared with me on Wednesday night a request to know a little bit more than just "I'm going out with a friend."

So as I walked I pondered her request and my feelings about it as I walked. The old me would have gone home and had verbal "feelings diarrhea" -- over-shared my feelings in response to her request. I've learned that this is not a safe behavior for me (with anyone, not just mom). I need to sit with my feelings and just feel them. It was an interesting experience to just feel and not share. It felt safe to keep it just to myself. I like this new power to keep my feelings safe.

Today's walk was many things. It was a rare sunny day in Seattle and I had been stuck in the office all day so I NEEDED to get outside and enjoy the sunshine. I also needed to earn extra calories! I hit another 10 pound benchmark so my food tracking program reduced my daily calorie allotment. I like to eat so I needed to earn more calories so I could have a decent dinner.

My reflection from today's walk: I'm getting bored with my walking routes. I need to explore and create new routes!

How Urban Hiker Girl Came to be

BEFORE PICTURE: at church in 2012

I started walking a lot when I was dog-sitting for several weeks in December. I realized I liked walking the dogs; it was a good excuse to get out of the house- even in the rainy, cold weather.

In December I also realized that I didn't like the way I looked on the outside. It didn't match how I felt on the inside and I needed to do something to change that. I started putting together a plan for the new me. I would change my activity (also known as the dreaded "e" word: exercise, I also call it fitness), food (also known as "diet"), my flexibility, and my strength.

There were things I wanted to be able to do again or try doing:

• jogging (granted, I hate running, and after several months of improved fitness, I still don't like it, but I wanted to be able to do it without feeling like a slug)
• climbing a rockwall
• chasing my niece and nephew around the park
• volleyball and basketball (the two sports I love to coach)

And I was sure there would be other things I would discover that I like to do.

I put started putting together a rough plan to get into better shape. Not to get back to a certain size, but to FEEL the way I felt when I was a size 8. I felt vibrant and full of life. I felt like I could do anything. I felt sexy, desirable, beautiful. I felt confident and comfortable in my own skin.

BEFORE PICTURE: at a family wedding in July 2012

I created a timeline for one year of several areas I could change and mileposts I hoped to reach. My goal for the year wasn't my end milepost but a part-way goal. Some things I included:

1. January: 10 minutes of cardio 5 times a week, stretching 2-3 times a week
2. February: strength- 12 reps with 1lbs dumbbells
3. June: try new veggies and new ways of preparing veggies
4. October: try new soup and stew recipes

I also included my weigh loss goal for each month. I thought 5 pounds a month sounded reasonable and I hoped to be under 200 pounds by the end of the year. (I started at about 265.) My end goal is to get down to about 175; I'll need to reaffirm that with my doctor, but I recall being happy and healthy at that weight.

I knew I would have to make some changes to my lifestyle. No more sitting around all evening knitting and watching MI-5 or Doc Martin. I also knew that I would have to find activities that I could do that fit within my budget. Since my "gym" budget was $0 I had few options: 1- walking, 2- jogging (quickly nixed because I hate running and knew it would be too hard on my knees at my current weight), 3- rent exercise videos from the library. I had good walking shoes and don't mind walking at all so I chose door number 1 as my physical activity (a.k.a. exercise or fitness).

BEFORE PICTURE: at a family wedding in October 2014

Other changes included cutting out sweets and carbs. Not just because they are "bad" for you (calorie-wise and nutritionally), but because I've noticed that my body doesn't like them; my joints get sore, my shoulders and neck get tense, I get headaches, and I get moody. I also cut out carbs for similar reasons; I eat less bread and pasta. I sometimes miss those things, but if I have a little then those side effects come back and I remember why I gave them up in the first place. I realized that I CAN eat a salad or soup without having a roll- it's amazing! And not eating those things allows me to fill up on other foods. I discovered that I love eating veggies and fruit! (And as an added bonus, I get to eat more of them because they have fewer calories!)

DURING PICTURE: Urban Hiker Girl on a walk
in Ballard, April 2014

Here we are near the end of April and I'm down about 35 pounds. Granted, the first two months I lost 10 pounds each month; January I was suffering from insomnia and anxiety which made it hard to eat (I had no appetite due to the stress- I don't recommend it as a weight loss plan). February I was so into my new routine and in the excitement about my great progress that I kept working hard. Things have slowed down since and I've lost 5-7 pounds a month the last two months, but it's moving in the right directions. My new goal is to be at the 200 pound mark by the end of June (my birthday month- I'll be 35!).

Each month I reevaluate my goals for the next month. Sometimes I meet a goal early (like the weight loss goal), and sometimes I need to give myself a little grace because life is crazy and I may need more time to meet my fitness goal. For example, I had thought about running a 5k this summer. I don't think that will happen; not because I don't have the stamina, but because I'm older now than when I used to be able to run and I've been carrying a lot of extra weight for a while so my knees aren't up for it. I'm keeping the "run a 5k" goal in the back of my mind, I haven't completely given up on it, but I am listening to my body to see if and when it might be ready to tackle that.

DURING PICTURE: Urban Hiker Girl goes rural
at the Skagit Valley Tulip Festival, April 2014

I can walk a 5k, though, for sure, and even a 10k. I have created several routes for myself that range from 2-7 miles around my neighborhood. When I first started all this walking back in January, I would post my trips on Facebook for my friends to see. That's when I started calling myself "Urban Hiker Girl." I used a stopwatch app on my phone and Google maps to track my route, but over the months I've tried a few phone apps that will do both. I'm now using one that links to the online app where I also log my food. It's been a great time saver and more accurate, I hope, than my stopwatch and map.

So, that's the story of how "Urban Hiker Girl" came to be. Thanks, Rochelle, for the idea to start a blog about my adventures. Keep reading and share my blog with your friends! Let's encourage one another on our journeys!