Honor God, Honor Others, Honor Myself

My friend Michael taught me to say in my prayers "what honors God, what honors others, and what honors me."

Today I woke up struggling with a situation and I was contemplating those words in prayer. I'm torn because what appears to honor the other person feels like a burden of obligation to me and therefore is not honoring of my feelings. So I continue to ponder the words "honor God, honor others, and honor me."

Yes, I should put honoring God above others and myself, but do I also put honoring others above honoring myself? At this point I'm really struggling with that idea. I spent too much time in my past putting others before me. And I grew to resent that and was too much of a people pleaser. I was not authentic. I was not myself. And so now I'm trying to find a balance between honoring others and honoring myself.

I spent some more time in prayer asking God to help me find balance in this situation, find a way to honor all involved, and give me a new perspective.

This evening I no longer feel burdened or obligated, but a peace when I think of doing what would honor the other person. Prayer changed me.

Under the Sea

A few days before my MRI I saw this image on facebook:

Image from AICenters

Too bad it's a children's MRI machine, not an adult-sized MRI machine. MY MRI machine was not as cute or fun, but my MRI tech (if that's what you call it) was friendly and warm which helped.

My friend Matty met me at the hospital beforehand and sat with me while I filled out paperwork. He chatted with me and kept me distracted before going in.

They called me back and I expected to see him about 45 minutes later when the procedure was finished, but knew that there was a chance that if it ran long he might have to leave for an appointment he had.

After stashing my purse and metal objects in a locker, I had to sit and wait a minute while they finished prepping the room. ...and of course my mind started to wander and a few tears came to my eyes, but didn't fall. I determined to not worry by talking to God and giving Him all my cares. I started praying and pretty much didn't stop until after the procedure. I sat up straight, took a deep breath, and talked to God.

The MRI tech came and got me. I entered the room, set my locker key on the table, slipped off my sandals, and climbed on the table. She prepped me for the IV, strapped me to the table, tucked a blanket around me, and away we went.

I closed my eyes, and started singing Christian songs in my head (since I couldn't sing them out loud because I wasn't supposed to move). I started with Psalm 23, then went to Psalm 3, and then some children's songs that I would sing at chapel with the students at school and a few hymns. And then my mind kept going to the song "Diamonds" by Hawk Nelson that I started my day with. I think I sung myself to sleep, because other than occasionally hearing her (the tech) say "this next one's going to be about 5 minutes"... then next thing I knew she was bringing me out to put in the contrast IV, sending me back in for a few more "5 minute" scans, and then out for the final time.

I retrieved my things from the locker and discovered that it was 4:20! Over an hour had passed and it really only felt like 30 minutes. My way home I kept hearing the song "Diamonds" in my mind on the way home. I couldn't focus on the radio (so I turned it off) because that song was so loud in my mind.

Thank you Jesus for sending your Spirit to bring me peace. And thank you, friends, for your prayers, warm thoughts, positive vibes, and warm wishes.

Next step is to wait for my doctor to return from his vacation and let me know what the MRI shows so we can talk about the following steps. Continued prayers, warm thoughts, positive vibes, and warm wishes are appreciated.

Diamond

As I sat in bed finishing up my bible study time this morning, a couple different powerful thoughts were running through my head. The loudest one was the chorus of this song:

The other thought was God's Word to me: Draw near to me and I will draw near to you. (James 4:8 paraphrased)

As I prepare to go in for my MRI this afternoon, as another step in my journey of this new chapter in life, I am reminded by this song and this Bible verse that God will use this to make something incredible of me, and that I need to stick with Him through this. He will see me through. He will be my strength. He's already near me, I just need to open up my heart and acknowledge His presence. I need to cling to Him, like a life raft in a stormy sea - He is my hope, my help, my refuge, my shelter. He is also my peace in this storm.

So, I'm thinking that over the next days and weeks I will use song and Bible study as primary ways of doing this and that I will focus many of my future blog posts on this - sharing songs and Scripture that are encouraging to me.

Waiting

For many years now I've longed to be a wife and mother. I want to have and be a companion and partner. A partner in life, and in crime. Someone to do life with, have adventures with, to give and receive love with.

But lately a voice in my head has been saying "what if...." What if you don't have kids? What if you never marry? Will I still be ok if these what ifs happen?

Is my dream changing?

Or is this fear creeping in? My birthday is in a few days. I'm getting older, closer to 40. And sometimes I feel afraid of what the diagnosis will be regarding the lesion and cyst the doctor found during an ultrasound. What if treatment of those means removal of my ovary or uterus?

So is my dream changing, or is this just fear?

I don't know, but as I read Psalm 37:4 as part of my evening devotion, it has brought tears and my heart is crying out to God for his peace.

And the words of a Taize song fill my heart and mouth:
O Lord hear my prayer
O Lord hear my prayer
When I call, answer me
O Lord hear my prayer
O Lord hear my prayer
Come and listen to me

Old(er)

My birthday is coming up in a few weeks! I'll be 37... no big deal; age is just a number.

Isn't it?

This week, though, I've heard on the radio several times that around age 37/38 people claim to start feeling old. I scoffed. I don't feel like I'm old. I still feel young, vibrant, and energetic. But this radio spot that kept coming on has gotten me thinking. Hmmm....

• I enjoy keeping things routine. Trainer workout on Monday. Volleyball followed by Rancheritos on Wednesday. Ballroom dancing on Friday. West Coast Swing dancing on Saturday. And resuming next week, Tuesday night dancing outdoors to live music in downtown.
• I don't like staying up late anymore. (Ok, aside from the fact that I'm writing this at 1am, I am usually not awake at this hour. The only reason I'm up this late is because of the dancing. And because stress kept me awake last night, so I took a long nap this afternoon, and now I'm not ready to go to bed.) Usually, during the week I'm in bed by 10 and on the weekend.... maybe a little later, depending on dancing.

Ok, so maybe there's not a lot of overwhelming evidence. But I certainly do like my routines. But maybe it's just my way of taking care of myself.

Confession time. I've not gone to a couple friend's birthday parties recently because they conflict with dancing. And also because they revolve around food. I have been invited to birthday dinners out at restaurants. Yes, I feel some sadness about not being with my friends to celebrate these milestones in their lives. And, yes, I do wonder if they'll come to my birthday event since I didn't go to theirs. But these are the choices I'm making right now because it's how I'm taking care of me in the best way I know how to do in this moment.

Partly I haven't gone because of finances; I don't have a big budget for eating out. (I'd rather spend my entertainment money on doing, not eating.) The other reason, the big reason, is that I don't want my social life to revolve around food. Using food for entertainment is a big reason why I got overweight in the first place. I want to spend time with my friends DOING something, not EATING. *Note: only one event in my weekly routine has food attached, and that food comes after a lot of physical activity.

I guess that's why I'm not planning a big birthday party for myself. I don't want it to be about food - I want it to be about time with my friends. That's why I'm planning to continue doing my favorite activities during my birthday week, but I'm inviting my friends to join me. And there may or may not be birthday cake. What I want more is just to be around people I care about who also care about me. That's what's important to me.

So to my friend's whose birthday dinners I have missed - I'm sorry. I do love and care about you. I enjoy the time we spend together at volleyball, dancing, or other activities; however, I don't want to give up my beloved activities to spend several hours sitting and eating. I love you, but I also love me. And I love me too much to not take care of myself by not doing the physical activities I love. For too many years I put myself on the back burner. I'm taking care of me now.

My dear friends, I have some sadness about not attending your birthday dinners. You are important. I feel a tug in my heart to go. But I also feel a strong tug in my heart to go dance and enjoy the things I love - a healthy (and budget friendly) dinner at home and dancing for hours. I'm listening to my heart as it tells me what my body needs to have peace right now. Is that getting old, or is that just maturity and self-awareness....

Peace

Good words to start the day.

These were the words that started the day with my students during our morning devotions. They were exactly the words I needed to be reminded of today. 

The devil had been getting in and taking away my hope. I'd been feeling despair over not hearing from him on the phone for several days. I had cried myself to sleep for two nights in a row and woken up in the morning crying still. I was not at peace. 

Friends and coworkers meant well but spoke in platitudes. I had lost hope and was sinking in self-pity, despair, sadness, and self-absorption. I had taken my eyes off of God and the hope and peace.

On Tuesday I had spoken with my pastor about meeting with him after work on Wednesday to talk about a different situation, but because I was so overwhelmed yesterday by these feelings of sadness that we spent most of our time talking about this. He listened patiently. And when I had finished crying and talking, he spoke softly and calmly. He helped me find hope in the situation. He helped me stop focusing on myself and my feelings and focus on my relationship and my boyfriend. His words gave me encouragement and I left determined to be more supportive and loving of him and less needy. 

Wow. The last time my guy and I had prayed together, I had asked God to help me love him more unconditionally, just as he was loving me. I guess the answer to that prayer was an opportunity to practice that. 

 My last words to him yesterday were an apology for being selfish and consumed by my feelings and a promise that I would attempt to be more supportive of him and that I trusted he would contact me when he was able. I still haven't heard from him. But the last words he texted to me were to reassure me of how much he loved me. That is enough for now. And it is enough to know that God is in control, watching over us, and will give us HIS peace.

I have a sweet song based on this verse
that I once sang for my church going through my head.
This is a great earworm today.

Stormy Week

This has been a rough week. Last weekend I came down with a bad cold. I stayed home from church on Sunday and work on Monday. On Thursday, the guy I started dating (who currently lives out of state) told me that he wasn't going to be able to visit me this weekend as planned. It's been three weeks since we last saw each other and I was very disappointed.

I started feeling lousy on Saturday. A little lethargic and extra sweaty on my walk to an appointment about a half-mile from my apartment. I thought perhaps it was the heat making me feel "off" since the temperature had jumped up significantly that week. But by that evening I was dragging, sneezy, and generally feeling lousy. And Sunday I was clearly sick. I stayed in bed, or on the couch, all day and spent most of the day napping. I called in sick that afternoon and spent Monday doing the same.

Still feeling lousy Monday afternoon, I emailed my boss to let her know I needed another day of rest. With three teachers planning to be out later that week, we were short on sub availability for the week. The principal asked me to contact her the next morning by 6:30 to find out if she was able to secure a sub and to see how I was feeling.

The next morning at 6:20 am I was still feeling yucky, but when I called the principal she made it clear that finding a sub was very difficult and inconvenient. Out of guilt, I gave up my need for self-care and went to work. I dragged through the day and after lunch put on a movie for the afternoon. I was there in body but not in spirit. After work I took a 2-1/2 hour nap and then went to bed early.

Wednesday, I was feeling physically better, but not back to 100% restored health yet. My guy, who had been great earlier in the week with supportive comments and desires to be there to care for me while I was not feeling well, started having things at work fall apart. Clients and staff not happy and he was extra-busy putting out fires. He was going to end up working late and wouldn't be able to talk on the phone that night as we have been doing regularly. At least we had our visit this weekend to look forward to.

But things really went south for him at work on Thursday and he sent me a message saying he wasn't going to be able to make it out this weekend. He was going to have to go visit a client over the weekend and try to do damage control. My heart dropped when I read that message and I tried to hold it together until my lunch break. It was not easy.

I knew that these words on my
page-a-day calendar would
be needed again.

At lunch I tried to call him to talk, but it went to his voicemail; he was busy leading his team. Life was feeling pretty stormy and rough. Mid-afternoon I was teaching religion to my students; we were on the story of Jesus calming the storm on the Sea of Galilee. As I read the story to the kids and the suggested teaching notes from the teacher book I started getting choked up. The words pierced my heart and reminded me that I was focusing on the storm, rather than the Creator. I felt comforted by the reminder that God will give us peace in the midst of the storms of life. I sent my boyfriend a quick email about the story to comfort him, too.

That night, we finally had the chance to talk on the phone, and pray together as has become our habit. It is such a blessing to be able to pray with someone you love. We can lift up each other's cares to the Lord. That night, his prayers for me and for our relationship brought tears to my eyes. I have never felt so honored and loved by a man before. I told him so and how much I appreciated that. It was a very special moment for us. We were both still disappointed at not being able to spend the weekend together, but encouraged by our time talking on the phone and praying together. Prayer is such a blessing.

Friday, I was back to full health, but still feeling blue about my guy not being able to come. When I received a bouquet of flowers and box of brownies and cookies from a student, I devoured two sweets right away that morning, and two more that afternoon. I was eating my feelings...maybe I wasn't in full health after all- my emotional health was not good.

In an effort to undo damage from my poor eating that day, and to earn back some calories so I could enjoy the dinner celebration that night, I hit the gym right after work and pushed myself extra hard on the elliptical machine. The exercise helped clear my mind, but my stomach was upset from all the sweets that day and no amount of exercise was going to help that. The damage had already been done.

I had started the week doing the best I could while I was sick. I had bought several cans of soup the week before, which were easy to fix while I was feeling less than energetic. And when I needed a few more things, a wonderful friend picked them up at the store for me on Tuesday morning. But Thursday and Friday, I started hitting the emotional eating hard. Lots of sweets on Friday.

Not only did I feel emotionally lousy on Friday, I made myself feel physically lousy by my eating. I paid for it that night. I was so bloated and my stomach so upset. I slept very poorly Friday night. Between the worries about not hearing from my guy because of his busy-ness and my upset stomach from poor eating, I tossed and turned all night until my stomach settled down late on Saturday morning.

Finally feeling physically better, I got up and headed to the fitness center late on Saturday morning. I exercised, but my mood is not improved. I still have not heard from my guy and I'm feeling disheartened and extremely disappointed. I had looked forward to seeing him for weeks. We had made plans for our time together. Now it is all postponed and I don't know when we'll see each other again.

But after yesterdays tummy troubles from poor eating, I listened to my body and I am determined to NOT eat my feelings this weekend. I'm taking care of myself by eating well and allowing myself to feel these feelings, no matter how uncomfortable they are. After all, they are just feelings and they will pass.

This, too, shall pass....

Mental Health Day

Today was a much needed day of rest. I had called my principal yesterday to let her know I needed a sick day. I don't like to take sick days unless I have to but today was a day to grant my heart and mind healing.

The Refiner's fire has been working on me
to repair me with pure gold.

I had a good morning sleeping in until 10 and then I headed to the gym hoping some endorphines would help boost my mood. It wasn't until about 20 minutes in to my cardio that I finally started to feel release of the things weighing me down. I felt a lightness and the clarity that had been missing for weeks. I started hearing the words in the songs I was listening to. Before they had just then background noise. Today I actually heard them clearly. I started started feeling reconnected. The music that touches my heart, the music that connects me to God, was getting through. 

I had been disconnected for days, weeks even, but today I reconnected. Yesterday, I didn't want to go to church. Not even for communion. Today, I wish there was somewhere I could go to receive the Lord's supper- RIGHT NOW. I'm craving that Sacrament and the fellowship with other believers- I'd even be ok with the horrible (and I mean HORRIBLE) wine that my church uses, just so I could have a taste of that forgiveness and peace from God. 

Thank you, Lord, for healing, rest, and peace. Thank you for restoration.

Listening, Prayers, and Relief

Yesterday was a rough day.

I woke up late. My alarm never went off. I had set it; I just forgot to turn it on. My roommate woke me up 5 minutes after she wanted to leave for work. Thankfully, she was gracious and kind about me oversleeping and told me to not worry about it.

But still, waking up late sets the tone for the day and mine was off all day.

I missed our staff devotions because when I got to school I discovered a bunch of little things that I had forgotten to do to prepare for the day. I felt like I was behind all day.

I texted the guy I had a date with on Friday night (date #4) to say that I had a good time and thanks for dinner. And any chance of seeing him again. Though I know the date went well, and despite the fact that I know he's a mellow, laid back guy, despite the fact that it's only date #4, his response made me anxious. Does he not like me? Does he not like me as much as I thought? What's going on?

That evening I was all out of sorts. I was anxious, agitated, and tired. I succumbed to tears. Those tears and snuggling my roommate's kitty helped a bit. I also took some time to use my EBT skills and do a "cycle" to go through my feelings, essential pains, and earned rewards of struggling through this. I felt somewhat lifted by listening to my body.

But when I went to bed, more tears came. That's when I finally cried out to Jesus.



Jesus, I need your help here. I'm feeling anxious. I don't know what to do. Help me through this. Take this burden and this worry from me tonight. Help me to sleep in Your peace.

And I slept. Peacefully in the arms of Jesus. Thanks be to God.

I Am Joy

I'm learning to let go.

It's not easy. It doesn't happen overnight.

Several weeks ago my boyfriend and I decided to move on in different directions. (That's a really nice, adult way of saying we broke up.) I cried, a lot. I ate cookies and sweets and other "crap"; I'm an emotional eater, it's what I do. I've been working on NOT eating because of my emotions, but in times of extreme stress (say the end of a significant relationship) those old habits resurface. I did less damage than I would have in the past, but I still did them. I'm not perfect. (Guess what? I don't have to be either!) And if it makes you feel any better, I did work out to try to compensate for some of the "damage" the sweets did to my diet. It certainly made me feel better as I burned off calories and frustrations.

I started dating again. The first one was awkward and I never heard from him again. The second one asked me out again. It was nice, but also a little awkward. He asked me out a third time... we'll see. Guys number three and four are also in the line-up for dates this weekend. Whew, I'm not sure how I'll keep them all straight!

Sunbursts through clouds on my walk home on September 30th.

Sun reflecting off the clouds on my walk home on October 1st.

Ahhhh. It's a beautiful evening.

Still, occasional feelings about my previous boyfriend come up. This weekend I had some tears. I remembered and missed the fun times he and I had together. He took me on many dating adventures. We supported each other through some tough times. I met his family. Big stuff. I missed it. I missed his friendship.

As I walked home yesterday (5 miles, 1 hour 30 minutes) I had some time to think. I thought about why I was sad about the past relationship and the excitement of looking forward to new potential relationships.A tear or two may have come to my eye as I saw beautiful views and thought of how he would have loved to see and photograph them. Lots of mixed feelings on my walk and lots of time to think about things. By the time I got home yesterday I was "thought out" and the only thing on my mind was how tired and hungry I was; after all, I was walking during dinner time.

Today, I felt such peace on my walk home. No longer feeling mixed emotions; ready to let go of the past and even more now looking forward to the future. I felt happy about the progress I've made in letting him go and moving on. I feel grateful for the time we shared, the lessons I learned about myself and love and life, and that I was able to give and receive (in his own way) love. And I am looking forward to taking what I've learned about myself and relationships and love to use in the future. I feel happy.

As I walked home I thought of those lessons and when I thought of him I felt peace. No longing. No regrets. Just peace. I saw a beautiful sunset and thought of how much he would have enjoyed photographing the stunning colors and light. It was a lovely feeling and a lovely moment. I feel proud of myself for that.

I am joy. And that is the best part.