No Cookies Needed

It had barely just started again and now it's over.

First, it was bad timing a year ago. Now, it's the distance. I love him and he loves me, but there's apparently just too many obstacles in our way.

No cookies needed

I'm tempted to go back to my old habits of finding comfort in food. I want chocolate! Or do I? My stomach is finally flat (or flatter than it has been in weeks while bloated). I'm feeling comfortable in my own skin - even naked. I feel slim and strong. Do I really want to go back to my old habits of finding comfort in food? NO! So I  need to find a substitute.

Exercise. Thank goodness it was also workout Monday with my trainer. I moved from sad that he called it off, to pissed off that he wasn't wiling to pursue me. I'm worth it. I'm a darned good catch. I'm freaking awesome! Darn him for not wanting it enough. Not wanting me enough.

So I took action.
I removed the electronic copies of the poems we'd written to each other.
I deleted our text chain and our messenger chat.
I deleted him from my contacts.
Swiftly. Like ripping off a bandaid.

I'm usually loyal to a fault, to a point where I hurt myself, but this time I don't want to do that. I've done enough of that in the past and this time I'm flipping the switch. Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.

But I don't feel shame, because I wanted it too. I initiated it, but he responded. But given his reason for not being able to pursue a relationship, perhaps he shouldn't have responded in the first place. But at least I've learned a lesson - don't hold on to the hurt.

I haven't cried since Monday afternoon.  I got a little sad on Thursday night during my Financial Peace class because it reminded me of a recent conversation with him. But I kept my chin up and reminded myself this wasn't about him, this was about me. I'd been feeling pumped about this class and I wasn't going to let him steal my joy.

This is about me feeling good about myself. And yah, I don't need sugary sweets to do that. I'm taking care of me and that feels great! I'm finding comfort in taking care of myself, support and love from my friends, and some inspirational words on the internet. I'm keeping myself open to love.

 

Pain In The...

This makes the rest time even harder... because I am a dancer.

Driving home from dance lesson this evening I was on the verge of tears. Even now as I write this the tears are coming back to the surface.

I hate knee pain.

I hate that I have to slow down and listen to my body. I'm tired of resting. Of feeling like I'm living life on the sideline.

Oh, here come the tears.

My body hurts. Don't push through the pain. It'll do more damage to my body later on. I'll end up needing knee replacement, too.

I miss doing the things I love - dancing, volleyball, running, hiking. I don't feel like myself. I can't do what I love and I feel sad. And angry. Why is my body letting me down? Why is my body doing this to me? Why?!

I know I need to rest. I'll appreciate it later when my body doesn't hurt from an injury, but right now it sucks. Pain is keeping me from doing the things I enjoy and living my life the way I want to.

But I'm obeying my trainer. And most importantly, I'm listening to my body. Body says stop, so I stopped. I walked out of my dance lesson only 20 minutes into the hour long class. My knee said this might not be good, so I stopped.

And here I am writing a blog about it and crying....

Peace

Good words to start the day.

These were the words that started the day with my students during our morning devotions. They were exactly the words I needed to be reminded of today. 

The devil had been getting in and taking away my hope. I'd been feeling despair over not hearing from him on the phone for several days. I had cried myself to sleep for two nights in a row and woken up in the morning crying still. I was not at peace. 

Friends and coworkers meant well but spoke in platitudes. I had lost hope and was sinking in self-pity, despair, sadness, and self-absorption. I had taken my eyes off of God and the hope and peace.

On Tuesday I had spoken with my pastor about meeting with him after work on Wednesday to talk about a different situation, but because I was so overwhelmed yesterday by these feelings of sadness that we spent most of our time talking about this. He listened patiently. And when I had finished crying and talking, he spoke softly and calmly. He helped me find hope in the situation. He helped me stop focusing on myself and my feelings and focus on my relationship and my boyfriend. His words gave me encouragement and I left determined to be more supportive and loving of him and less needy. 

Wow. The last time my guy and I had prayed together, I had asked God to help me love him more unconditionally, just as he was loving me. I guess the answer to that prayer was an opportunity to practice that. 

 My last words to him yesterday were an apology for being selfish and consumed by my feelings and a promise that I would attempt to be more supportive of him and that I trusted he would contact me when he was able. I still haven't heard from him. But the last words he texted to me were to reassure me of how much he loved me. That is enough for now. And it is enough to know that God is in control, watching over us, and will give us HIS peace.

I have a sweet song based on this verse
that I once sang for my church going through my head.
This is a great earworm today.

Saved $2.25, Gained A Lot More

Tuesday, I decided to take my exercise clothes to work so I could walk from my office to my mother's office after work to carpool home. I saved the $2.25 bus fare and enjoyed the sunshine, but I gained so much more.

As you can tell from the gap in the posts, I have been very busy this month. I was offered a job. In Utah. I was continuing interviews with several other employers and waiting for their decisions. My boyfriend is shipping out to Navy boot camp in a few weeks. I went out of town to visit for several days and then house-sat/dog-sat for two weeks. Lots going on for sure and lots of stress.

At 3:30 I changed into my workout clothes, closed up the office and hit the road. At first I missed my usual music, but after a few blocks I was glad to be without it. I let my mind wander over recent events- the job offered, the jobs I didn't get, my boyfriend, my boyfriend leaving, what will happen to our relationship, moving to Utah...enjoy the sunshine. As I said in a previous post, Urban Hiking is more than just a walk it's a time to think.

On Sunday at church with my boyfriend and his family we were talking about the Patriarchs and how God gave them promises for their future, sometimes unbelievable promises, such as Sarai having a baby when she was old and barren. I jokingly said "wouldn't it be great if God would give us big neon billboards so we would know what to do?" On my walk I realized that I had gotten what I asked for. The school in Utah offered me the job. I held out on accepting the job while I waited for other schools to make final decisions. Door after door closed, yet the door in Utah remained open. Ok, God, I get the message from this giant neon billboard- You want me to go to Utah.

I continued to reflect throughout the evening and realized that I had let myself get so consumed by stress (see above situations) and by fear and anxiety about making a big move that I forgot to be grateful. Grateful that God has answered, in His perfect time and in His perfect way, my prayer asking Him to give me a classroom of my own where I can teach full time again, to be active in Lutheran School ministry full-time again.

During my Tuesday night Bible study group's prayer time I started crying. (I don't think I have cried more in any one place other than my home than I have at my Bible study.) I felt sad that I had been so consumed by my fears about moving that I forgot to be grateful. Guilty that I had spent so much time being sad about the things I would be giving up here that I forgot to look at what I might gain. Praise God that He is more faithful than I; He never lost sight of me even when I took my eyes off of Him.

I saved $2.25 by walking instead of taking the bus, but I gained a whole lot more.