Scar

I have a scar on my heart.

Four years ago I fell in love. He made me fall in love with him. He wrote me a poem about our first date as he flew home from visiting me. He was sweet and gentle with me, yet a strong and confident man. Though our relationship was long distance, we prayed together every night on the phone.

He fell in love with me first. When I was sick, he called to comfort me. He told me he wished he could take care of me. And before he hung up he said he loved me. I wanted to say it, too, but in person, looking into his eyes. I told him I wanted to say it, too, but in person when he came back again in a few weeks.

He never came back. At first it was reasonable excuses. Then it was silence. And a broken heart.

Then a few years later he popped up in social media. We chatted. I put together puzzle pieces about him and he broke my heart again at the things I came to realize about him. I never should have loved him. But I did.

And it left a scar. His promises to call and to visit that went unfulfilled. And now whenever a guy promises to call or visit and then is late or unable to, it tears at that wound and I feel the raw ache again.

It hurts.

It's not his issue. It's mine to deal with.

Some day I hope that there's a man who will not reopen that wound.

Promises

I was scrolling through Facebook the other day and stumbled across an article shared by HuffPost Good News. I stumbled in because the headline caught my eye: "I'll be 36 by the time this gets published, and I'm still not married." It was very relatable to me. As I continued to read the article "24 Promises Every Man Should Make to His Future Wife", things went downhill right away. I was expecting loving sentiments of support, fidelity, and strength to be promised. Boy was I wrong. Right off the bat things went awry. 

Promise #1: I will try to solve your problems instead of just listening and saying "that sucks."

To the author, I say no wonder you are still single! Women don't want a man to solve their problems. We want a man to listen. Sometimes you will just have to say "that sucks" but other times you can offer support through helping us brainstorm solutions to our problem. By trying to solve our problems for us you are saying that we are not smart enough or powerful enough to solve our problems on our own. You take away our power and our control of our lives. No woman wants to be rescued (ok, maybe we DO on occasion, but not really), we want a man to support us, be by our side, cheering us on as we take on the world and solve our own problems.

Promise #10: I will not share my passwords with you, nor will I ask for yours.

This just screams wrong to me. Passwords should be shared between spouses as a sign of honesty and trust... ok, and in the back of my mind there's a little voice saying what about emergencies? You shouldn't have to ask, they should be willingly given as a sign of trust.

Ok.... so the promises aren't all this horrible, some are ok, but most are kind of lame. Regardless, there are a lot better promises that a man could make to his future wife. It's a nice idea in theory, but try again, man, try again.

Saved $2.25, Gained A Lot More

Tuesday, I decided to take my exercise clothes to work so I could walk from my office to my mother's office after work to carpool home. I saved the $2.25 bus fare and enjoyed the sunshine, but I gained so much more.

As you can tell from the gap in the posts, I have been very busy this month. I was offered a job. In Utah. I was continuing interviews with several other employers and waiting for their decisions. My boyfriend is shipping out to Navy boot camp in a few weeks. I went out of town to visit for several days and then house-sat/dog-sat for two weeks. Lots going on for sure and lots of stress.

At 3:30 I changed into my workout clothes, closed up the office and hit the road. At first I missed my usual music, but after a few blocks I was glad to be without it. I let my mind wander over recent events- the job offered, the jobs I didn't get, my boyfriend, my boyfriend leaving, what will happen to our relationship, moving to Utah...enjoy the sunshine. As I said in a previous post, Urban Hiking is more than just a walk it's a time to think.

On Sunday at church with my boyfriend and his family we were talking about the Patriarchs and how God gave them promises for their future, sometimes unbelievable promises, such as Sarai having a baby when she was old and barren. I jokingly said "wouldn't it be great if God would give us big neon billboards so we would know what to do?" On my walk I realized that I had gotten what I asked for. The school in Utah offered me the job. I held out on accepting the job while I waited for other schools to make final decisions. Door after door closed, yet the door in Utah remained open. Ok, God, I get the message from this giant neon billboard- You want me to go to Utah.

I continued to reflect throughout the evening and realized that I had let myself get so consumed by stress (see above situations) and by fear and anxiety about making a big move that I forgot to be grateful. Grateful that God has answered, in His perfect time and in His perfect way, my prayer asking Him to give me a classroom of my own where I can teach full time again, to be active in Lutheran School ministry full-time again.

During my Tuesday night Bible study group's prayer time I started crying. (I don't think I have cried more in any one place other than my home than I have at my Bible study.) I felt sad that I had been so consumed by my fears about moving that I forgot to be grateful. Guilty that I had spent so much time being sad about the things I would be giving up here that I forgot to look at what I might gain. Praise God that He is more faithful than I; He never lost sight of me even when I took my eyes off of Him.

I saved $2.25 by walking instead of taking the bus, but I gained a whole lot more.