Scar

I have a scar on my heart.

Four years ago I fell in love. He made me fall in love with him. He wrote me a poem about our first date as he flew home from visiting me. He was sweet and gentle with me, yet a strong and confident man. Though our relationship was long distance, we prayed together every night on the phone.

He fell in love with me first. When I was sick, he called to comfort me. He told me he wished he could take care of me. And before he hung up he said he loved me. I wanted to say it, too, but in person, looking into his eyes. I told him I wanted to say it, too, but in person when he came back again in a few weeks.

He never came back. At first it was reasonable excuses. Then it was silence. And a broken heart.

Then a few years later he popped up in social media. We chatted. I put together puzzle pieces about him and he broke my heart again at the things I came to realize about him. I never should have loved him. But I did.

And it left a scar. His promises to call and to visit that went unfulfilled. And now whenever a guy promises to call or visit and then is late or unable to, it tears at that wound and I feel the raw ache again.

It hurts.

It's not his issue. It's mine to deal with.

Some day I hope that there's a man who will not reopen that wound.

Lord, I Need Your Help

Back in mid-May when my last relationship was faltering and falling apart, I spent a lot of time drawing closer to God. In the midst of my struggles I wrote the following letter as a prayer.

I want to share it with you because it's part of my journey as the Urban Hiker Girl - my emotional and spiritual journey - and I want to be authentic with you my followers and readers. I have edited it just a bit for privacy of the person it's about and for clarity. My hope is that if you are struggling in a relationship, whether dating or otherwise, that this will encourage you to also draw closer to Your Creator who knows your heart and loves you dearly and tenderly. He will be your strength and meet all your needs. Trust in Him.

Your life is a story being written by God.
An excerpt from the book "The Mended Heart" by Suzanne Eller.

Dear Lord,

I feel my hope faltering. My eyes are getting focused on my fears that I am alone and the relationship is ending. I'm not focused on You or on supporting him.

Lord, I want him in my life. Things don't make sense without him. Help me be supporting, not smothering. Encouraging, not needy. Help me give him the space he needs to focus on work. Help me have faith and trust him when he says he loves me, that he will come back to me when he can.

I'm so tired of feeling weak and lonely. Help me be strong for myself. Help me be strong for him. Lord, be my strength. Give me peace.

Help me find the inner strength that I know I have, to be a strong woman on my own. I know I don't need him, I only need You. But I want him in my life.

Within a week of meeting him I knew I wanted to marry him. I believe you ignited that desire; it had not been on my mind. You gave me that desire, you will fulfill that. Help me be the woman you want me to be, the woman he needs me to be.

And when we are reunited, bless our words and time together.

Help me now give him space.

Help me to not smother him.

Help me support him.

Helm me encourage him.

Help me to stay present.

Help me honor my feelings, but not give them control.

Psalm 37:4 "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart."

How do I delight myself in You in this?

Focus on the work you have given me to do: Love my kiddos (students).

My hearts desire is to be in a loving relationship with a godly man.

I think he is that man. Maybe he's just a glimpse of what it could be like. Help me find my strength in You, not in him. Help me to let go of my need for him and to need only You, Lord.

Lord, I really need You now. My joy is wavering and my focus keeps slipping...

My dear readers, if you are hurting, longing for someone, or feeling alone, go to the Lord. Cry out to Him. He will heal your heart and give you His peace - a peace that only He can give, greater than the world.

An excerpt from the book "The Mended Heart"
by Suzanne Eller.

And if you really want to dig deeper into healing your hurt, I highly recommend the book "The Mended Heart" by Suzanne Eller. I'm reading it right now as part of a Proverbs 31 Online Bible Study. I can feel the Lord working on my heart to bring further healing and change in my life. May it bless you and heal your hurting heart. (And if you read it, I'd love to hear what you think!) Reading this book is one reason I feel compelled to share this letter with you - as part of my healing.

To find out more about "The Mended Heart" Bible study from Proverbs 31 Ministries, or to get a copy of the book, follow this link.

What I'm Learning

I was working out this afternoon and this song came on my workout playlist: "Faithful" by Hawk Nelson. Take a listen.



I've been doing some reflecting on relationships this past week and spending a lot of time in The Word, in prayer, in my journal, and in conversation with godly advisers. Through this challenging situation I've been learning things about myself. More importantly I've been learning things about God and my relationship with Him.

I thought about how I had been longing for a word from the guy I'm dating, just a few moments of his time, reassurance that he still cares and that he will keep his promise to see me again. I longed for these things so much that my heart ached, felt like it was breaking, and I cried a lot. And as I dove into God's Word for comfort it slowly dawned on me- isn't this how I should feel about spending time with God? Shouldn't I long for Him, spending time in prayer and His Word as much or more than I long for time with the guy I'm dating?

Yes, at times my world feels like it's falling apart (and I'm dealing with the emotional stuff and balancing out hormones) because the plans we had made together don't appear to be coming to fruition. And because I can be a bit of a control-freak it's hard for me to let the man take the lead in the relationship. And because I'm super-organized and into detailed planning it's hard for me to handle the unknown. I know these things about myself. It doesn't make this any easier, but at least I know this about myself.  And now I know, really know, how God wants me to feel about Him. And perhaps a bit of how He feels about me?...

Better Than Gold

Music has always been a language of my heart. When I can't find words to express what's in my heart, I can often think of a song that has just the right words.

Almost as soon as I heard Danny Gokey's song "Better Than Gold" it spoke to me. I wanted a man to think and feel those things about me. The guy I was dating at the time definitely didn't feel it. I could tell, but I kept hoping. But even after we broke up I still had this longing every time I heard this song to find the man that would feel this way- that I'm better than gold.

I had kind of forgotten about that longing for a while, but today as I was working out (this is definitely on my playlist- how can you NOT want to move to this song?) I was reminded of that longing. But it's no longer an empty hoping. That longing has been fulfilled. I've found the guy that I believe feels this way about me. He says it in many little ways, but there's no doubt that it's there. I feel so blessed...

 

...because I feel that way about him, too.

Moving On

"I'll be ok," I tell myself. "Correction, I AM ok."

It's been going through my head for several weeks- telling myself I AM ok, even when I don't feel it. But, y'all, I wasn't. I wasn't taking good care of myself. I wasn't ok so I wasn't eating well, I wasn't sleeping well, and I wasn't feeling well emotionally.

On Wednesday of this week I'd had enough. I woke up determined to not eat any candy or sweets that day. Morning was easy. Lunchtime came and I had a good lunch. But the afternoon was the hardest. I keep a tub of Jolly Ranchers in my classroom. When my kiddos fill up their homework chart (for bringing back homework on time) they get a piece of candy. Wednesday afternoon the candy was calling my name. Every time I'd walk by it I wanted to just grab one and suck on it, my reasoning being that it was for my dry mouth (because of the cold weather). I looked that temptation in the eye and kept walking. I was so proud of myself.

But oh the headache I was experiencing. I thought it was just allergies and weather change. I took some Tylenol and tried to move on.

Thursday the headache was still there. I continued to stare down the temptation of the Jolly Ranchers. I left work feeling victorious over the candy's calling, but with a pounding headache and a cancelled coffee date.

After work I begged my roommate to stop at Target on our way home from work, which she did. I remembered what my doctor had suggested- Benadryl and Mucinex. So I grabbed a box of each and hit the checkout. Finally at 7 pm on Thursday night I felt relief as those meds kicked in. I could breathe and my headache was finally gone. And with the headache gone, I suddenly didn't feel so tired or lethargic either. Amazing.

Friday was a wonderful day now that I was "feeling better". The candy was no longer calling my name. I was able to focus on my kids and not my headache. I was the best teacher I'd been in a few weeks. And I was going dancing that night!

I'd made a new friend two weekends ago while out dancing. He just plopped down on a chair next to me while I was resting between dances and started chatting. His charming personality and warm smile helped me open up and we started chatting. I went dancing two nights in a row last weekend and he was there both nights. We swapped numbers and now I have a dancing friend.

He picked me up Friday night and we stayed out until after 3 am. I can't remember a night in a long time where I have smiled and laughed so much, deep belly laughing, or felt so thoroughly happy. I AM ok.

Taking care of myself by eating well, exercising, and getting enough sleep helped me feel like myself again. I AM ok. No more tears over the past. I'm looking forward to the future and enjoying, embracing the present.

Day 24

That's how many days it's been since we broke up.

That's how many days I've been unable to stop eating sugar.

That's how many days I've been punishing my body with food because he broke my heart.

I didn't realize it until recently, I had been afraid to admit it, but I had fallen in love with him. It happened simply. The early days of infatuation turned into a comfortable friendship, more than friendship, love.

I loved him.

And there are (still) some days where I can't help buy cry because I miss him in my life.

I was driving the other day, a friend was letting me use their car, and burst into tears. I couldn't figure out how to work their Sirius radio. He came to mind. He has Sirius radio in his car, he would know how to change the channel. But I can't call him because he broke up with me. On Super Bowl Sunday. So I bawled as I drove down the road, because I couldn't change the station on the Sirius radio which reminded me of him, so I turned the whole darned thing off.

Just now I started crying again as I lay in bed reading and trying to fall asleep. I've started talking to other guys again. But only half-heartedly. I guess I'm not ready to move on yet.

But why, why, WHY do I keep punishing my body by eating food I don't want to eat, sneaking sweets I know will only make me feel worse? Because they are addicting. Because for so much of my previous life I used food to "comfort" me- it was better to feel a stomach ache from too much food or too many sweets than to feel emotional pain. Because I'm still learning to take care of myself in new ways.

And because a broken heart takes time to heal. Especially when you didn't earlier admit you were in love and it took you three weeks to admit that your heart had been broken.