Constant Companion

I've been bone tired since about 4 pm today. Barely functioning. I was just going to read my devotion and go to bed, though in the back of my mind have been some subtle reminders that I haven't written on my blog in a while though it's on my to do list next to my bed. I saw that on the list as I climbed into bed to do my devotions and was determined to ignore that reminder- I am  too tired to write anything.

Yet here I am. :-)

I started reading that devotion book again, Jesus Calling, wondering if what I read this evening would inspire a blog post for tomorrow or the next day. Wanting just a few peaceful words for this evening to help me sleep well.

Instead, I got a reminder that I can trust God on this journey. He will be a Companion for me. And immediately I got the chorus line "He's my constant Companion" stuck in my head from Francesca Battistelli's song, "Constant", going through my mind.

So now I've got that blog post I was wanting to write, only it came with an earworm that I won't be able to get out of my head until I've done something about it. I knew I had to get out of bed, grab the laptop, and start writing.

On my medical journey, I'm in another waiting point. Last week I found out that I don't have cancer (or at least not likely). Based on the blood test and MRI images, it looks like endometriosis, bilateral endometriosis to be precise. I have blood-filled cysts on both ovaries. The gynecologist wants to send me to an endometriosis specialist; he also recommends surgery to have the cysts removed. So the GYN gave me a referral to the specialist and now I'm waiting to hear from his office about scheduling an appointment to talk about treatment options.

I'm no longer at the fork in the road waiting to hear if it's cancer or not. I'm now on a path and will be working with professionals to determine the best course of treatment of bilateral endometriosis for myself. Through this all, He continues to be my constant Companion.

Lord, I Need Your Help

Back in mid-May when my last relationship was faltering and falling apart, I spent a lot of time drawing closer to God. In the midst of my struggles I wrote the following letter as a prayer.

I want to share it with you because it's part of my journey as the Urban Hiker Girl - my emotional and spiritual journey - and I want to be authentic with you my followers and readers. I have edited it just a bit for privacy of the person it's about and for clarity. My hope is that if you are struggling in a relationship, whether dating or otherwise, that this will encourage you to also draw closer to Your Creator who knows your heart and loves you dearly and tenderly. He will be your strength and meet all your needs. Trust in Him.

Your life is a story being written by God.
An excerpt from the book "The Mended Heart" by Suzanne Eller.

Dear Lord,

I feel my hope faltering. My eyes are getting focused on my fears that I am alone and the relationship is ending. I'm not focused on You or on supporting him.

Lord, I want him in my life. Things don't make sense without him. Help me be supporting, not smothering. Encouraging, not needy. Help me give him the space he needs to focus on work. Help me have faith and trust him when he says he loves me, that he will come back to me when he can.

I'm so tired of feeling weak and lonely. Help me be strong for myself. Help me be strong for him. Lord, be my strength. Give me peace.

Help me find the inner strength that I know I have, to be a strong woman on my own. I know I don't need him, I only need You. But I want him in my life.

Within a week of meeting him I knew I wanted to marry him. I believe you ignited that desire; it had not been on my mind. You gave me that desire, you will fulfill that. Help me be the woman you want me to be, the woman he needs me to be.

And when we are reunited, bless our words and time together.

Help me now give him space.

Help me to not smother him.

Help me support him.

Helm me encourage him.

Help me to stay present.

Help me honor my feelings, but not give them control.

Psalm 37:4 "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart."

How do I delight myself in You in this?

Focus on the work you have given me to do: Love my kiddos (students).

My hearts desire is to be in a loving relationship with a godly man.

I think he is that man. Maybe he's just a glimpse of what it could be like. Help me find my strength in You, not in him. Help me to let go of my need for him and to need only You, Lord.

Lord, I really need You now. My joy is wavering and my focus keeps slipping...

My dear readers, if you are hurting, longing for someone, or feeling alone, go to the Lord. Cry out to Him. He will heal your heart and give you His peace - a peace that only He can give, greater than the world.

An excerpt from the book "The Mended Heart"
by Suzanne Eller.

And if you really want to dig deeper into healing your hurt, I highly recommend the book "The Mended Heart" by Suzanne Eller. I'm reading it right now as part of a Proverbs 31 Online Bible Study. I can feel the Lord working on my heart to bring further healing and change in my life. May it bless you and heal your hurting heart. (And if you read it, I'd love to hear what you think!) Reading this book is one reason I feel compelled to share this letter with you - as part of my healing.

To find out more about "The Mended Heart" Bible study from Proverbs 31 Ministries, or to get a copy of the book, follow this link.

Listening, Prayers, and Relief

Yesterday was a rough day.

I woke up late. My alarm never went off. I had set it; I just forgot to turn it on. My roommate woke me up 5 minutes after she wanted to leave for work. Thankfully, she was gracious and kind about me oversleeping and told me to not worry about it.

But still, waking up late sets the tone for the day and mine was off all day.

I missed our staff devotions because when I got to school I discovered a bunch of little things that I had forgotten to do to prepare for the day. I felt like I was behind all day.

I texted the guy I had a date with on Friday night (date #4) to say that I had a good time and thanks for dinner. And any chance of seeing him again. Though I know the date went well, and despite the fact that I know he's a mellow, laid back guy, despite the fact that it's only date #4, his response made me anxious. Does he not like me? Does he not like me as much as I thought? What's going on?

That evening I was all out of sorts. I was anxious, agitated, and tired. I succumbed to tears. Those tears and snuggling my roommate's kitty helped a bit. I also took some time to use my EBT skills and do a "cycle" to go through my feelings, essential pains, and earned rewards of struggling through this. I felt somewhat lifted by listening to my body.

But when I went to bed, more tears came. That's when I finally cried out to Jesus.



Jesus, I need your help here. I'm feeling anxious. I don't know what to do. Help me through this. Take this burden and this worry from me tonight. Help me to sleep in Your peace.

And I slept. Peacefully in the arms of Jesus. Thanks be to God.