Constant

A few weeks ago I was getting ready to read my evening devotion at bed time to wind down my day. Sometimes it feels like just going through the motions, which feels like living the same day over and over again. Monotonous.

And the devotion spoke to just that feeling. As you may recall from other blog posts, I am reading the "Jesus Calling" devotional by Sarah Young right now. When I really focus on the words and do more than just go through the motions of "reading my devotion for the day", the words always speak to me. While I was just going through the motions at the start, the power of The Word came through and really connected my brain and my heart.

Just like the devotion said, "this monotony can dull your thinking until your mind slips into neutral." (I was so there!) But then it also went on to say "the best remedy is to refocus your mind and heart on Me, your constant Companion."

For those who don't know me in real life, let me tell you - I LOVE MUSIC! I love singing. I love playing my guitar. I love listening to the radio. I love going to Christian concerts. Music is the language of my heart. (Attn: perspective suitors, if you can sing you'll have an edge of "the other guys". Make it Christian songs, you'll be top dog!)

I digress.... Anyways, music is the language of my heart. And when I read those last two words "constant Companion" it immediately put in my mind (ear worm!) a song my Francesca Battistelli called "Constant".

I so needed those words to remind me that God is my constant Companion, always by my side, even when I feel like He's far away. He's not. He didn't go anywhere, I just stopped being focused on Him and I need to redirect my gaze.

That seems to keep happening to me a lot lately. I've been far from God; He hasn't been far from me. My devotional and prayer life has been just going through the motions. My church attendance has been... well... absent for months. I don't want to just go through the motions anymore. I want to reconnect to this vital relationship.

I have started putting boundaries around my devotional and worship time to protect it for the sacred thing that it is. At 9 pm, Sunday through Thursday I start getting ready for bed and spend time reading my devotion and praying (on Friday and Saturday I still do my devotion, but it might be a little later). At 6 am, Monday through Friday, I get up and read my morning email devotion and follow it with yoga. I'm setting aside time to be intentional about my health. And to be totally honest, some days it's really hard. Last week there were a few mornings where 30 minutes extra in bed sounded really, really good, but I've made a commitment to myself and I didn't want to let myself down. I'm working on establishing a new habit and I don't want to make excuses. I'm worth it.

He's worth it, too. He's my constant Companion.

Francesca Battistelli - Listen To "Constant" here

Constant Companion

I've been bone tired since about 4 pm today. Barely functioning. I was just going to read my devotion and go to bed, though in the back of my mind have been some subtle reminders that I haven't written on my blog in a while though it's on my to do list next to my bed. I saw that on the list as I climbed into bed to do my devotions and was determined to ignore that reminder- I am  too tired to write anything.

Yet here I am. :-)

I started reading that devotion book again, Jesus Calling, wondering if what I read this evening would inspire a blog post for tomorrow or the next day. Wanting just a few peaceful words for this evening to help me sleep well.

Instead, I got a reminder that I can trust God on this journey. He will be a Companion for me. And immediately I got the chorus line "He's my constant Companion" stuck in my head from Francesca Battistelli's song, "Constant", going through my mind.

So now I've got that blog post I was wanting to write, only it came with an earworm that I won't be able to get out of my head until I've done something about it. I knew I had to get out of bed, grab the laptop, and start writing.

On my medical journey, I'm in another waiting point. Last week I found out that I don't have cancer (or at least not likely). Based on the blood test and MRI images, it looks like endometriosis, bilateral endometriosis to be precise. I have blood-filled cysts on both ovaries. The gynecologist wants to send me to an endometriosis specialist; he also recommends surgery to have the cysts removed. So the GYN gave me a referral to the specialist and now I'm waiting to hear from his office about scheduling an appointment to talk about treatment options.

I'm no longer at the fork in the road waiting to hear if it's cancer or not. I'm now on a path and will be working with professionals to determine the best course of treatment of bilateral endometriosis for myself. Through this all, He continues to be my constant Companion.

Freedom

Having my own car has brought me a lot of physical freedom. I am no longer dependent on my roommate to chauffeur me around. I no longer have to limit myself to shopping at places within walking distance.

As I drive home from visiting my family and Boise, I have rediscovered another kind of freedom. A mental and emotional freedom. As I look around me at the beautiful ranch land surrounded by mountains, I feel a sense of openness, peace, and freedom. I feel emotional freedom. Free from constraints of what others may think of me. Free from trying to be what I think others want me to be. I'm free to be myself.

I have freedom. Freedom from guilt. Freedom from shame. Freedom to open up and let others see me - to be authentic. The real me. Freedom to love. Freedom to be loved. Freedom to give to others. Freedom to be powerful. Freedom to be beautiful. Freedom to be independent. Freedom to ask for what I need. Free to ask for support.

No more chains holding down.No more worries to hold me back. No fear of the future and what it might bring.

Joy to live in freedom. Freedom to enjoy the things that I have been blessed with.

I'm free to be me! And I'm pretty wonderful.