Don't SHOULD Yourself

I'm just going to dive right in and confess that it's not going well. It started pretty well, and I lost five pounds. But for the last two and a half months, I've been losing and re-gaining the same additional three or four pounds... I just can't break past the ten pound mark.

I'm not consistent and I know that's why I'm struggling to lose weight. Also know that the stress level is the key factor in my inconsistency. I'll have a few good days - low stress at work, eating homemade healthy foods, exercising, sleeping well, and feel pretty good about it. But then I have a hard day at work and I'll eat crap so that my physical body feels as bad as my mental state. I know I shouldn't eat the crap but this is an old, old bad habit. So right now, instead of shaming myself for doing it, I'm working on recognizing when I'm doing it and being gentle with myself. (Hello #emotionalbraintraining skills!)

I also caught myself over-eating the other night when we were out to eat. We were at a little local Thai restaurant we recently discovered. I had ordered a light, fresh chicken dish. I was listening to my hunger cues... and telling myself that I "should" take half of it home for lunch the next day. At the end of the meal, I had left enough to be a satisfying meal for my lunch the next day. Then my husband reached over and stabbed a big piece of chicken and I thought "well, that's not enough for a filling lunch and not enough for leftovers, so I might as well eat the rest." Seriously, that was my thought process. 

And I got so mad at my husband! I snarled at him the way her snarls at me when I eat a piece of his pancake (that he'd told me I could have before we started eating). It was ugly. I know I shouldn't have reacted like that. We had been sharing and it was fine.... until it wasn't. I'm still a little mad at him for eating that piece of chicken, but I'm more disappointed in myself for not using my "oh well statement" I created with Noom several weeks ago. I should have just let it go and said "oh well," and left the rest on the plate anyway. But I didn't, I ate it and then I beat myself up because I "should have" known better and "should have" done better. 

The other thing I'm "shoulding" on myself about is that when I first started this blog 10 years ago, all I had to do was start walking, logging my food, and the weight just melted off. I'm fighting the harsh inner critic that keeps telling me "you should be doing better. You should have lost more weight by now." I end up feeling defeated and ashamed. 

So what's the cure....? I believe it's mindfulness. And I'm really, really trying hard to be more mindful. However, when I'm extremely stressed and tired it's really hard to be mindful. My job is creating too much stress in my life and it's affecting many other areas of my health. Something has to change.

And until it does change, being mindful is going to be hard, but I'm going to give it my best shot. So friends, be mindful... and when being mindful is hard, don't should yourself. 

Grace to you,

Becky

Freedom

Having my own car has brought me a lot of physical freedom. I am no longer dependent on my roommate to chauffeur me around. I no longer have to limit myself to shopping at places within walking distance.

As I drive home from visiting my family and Boise, I have rediscovered another kind of freedom. A mental and emotional freedom. As I look around me at the beautiful ranch land surrounded by mountains, I feel a sense of openness, peace, and freedom. I feel emotional freedom. Free from constraints of what others may think of me. Free from trying to be what I think others want me to be. I'm free to be myself.

I have freedom. Freedom from guilt. Freedom from shame. Freedom to open up and let others see me - to be authentic. The real me. Freedom to love. Freedom to be loved. Freedom to give to others. Freedom to be powerful. Freedom to be beautiful. Freedom to be independent. Freedom to ask for what I need. Free to ask for support.

No more chains holding down.No more worries to hold me back. No fear of the future and what it might bring.

Joy to live in freedom. Freedom to enjoy the things that I have been blessed with.

I'm free to be me! And I'm pretty wonderful.

Am I Enough

I've just (finally) started reading "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldredge. I mean really just started - I'm on page seven. And already it's speaking to me, so much so that I had to stop and write about it.

What does it really mean to be a woman? 
There are many books and people who share what expectations are placed on a woman, but as the author's write "There has been precious little wisdom offered on the path to becoming a woman". And, if we base what it means to be a godly woman by what we see at church, "you'd have to conclude that a godly woman is ...tired. And guilty."

Wow. So, the church sets a high standard and many of us tire ourselves out trying to reach it and we are left feeling bad about ourselves. Great. I kept reading, hoping that there would be hope to come. And that's when things got really personal for me. These words were like a ghost from my past. They echoed how I felt after losing my job six years ago and the years that followed where I tried to rebuild my life.

"I know I am not alone in this nagging sense of failing to measure up, a feeling of not being good enough as a woman. Every woman I've ever met feels it - something deeper than just the sense of  failing at what she does. An underlying, gut feeling of failing at who she is. I am not enough, and I am too much at the same time.... The result it shame."

We feel unseen, even by those who are closest to us. We feel unsought - that no one has the passion or the courage to pursue us, to get past our messiness to find the woman deep inside. And we feel uncertain - uncertain what it even means to be a woman; uncertain what it truly means to be feminine; uncertain if we are or ever will be."

Aware of our deep failings, we pour contempt on our own hearts for wanting more...we long for intimacy and for adventure...But the desires set deep in our hearts seem like a luxury, granted only to those women who get their acts together."

Wow. If I would have written down how I felt after leaving Fort Wayne, that's probably what I would have said. I felt like I had failed - failed at being a teacher, failed at being independent, failed at being a grown-up. I had given up my job, my home, my pets, many of my belongings, my car, and was moving home to live with my mother. I felt like everything that gave me my identity had been taken away and I was left feeling unsure of who I was but longing for more.

No one could possibly see and know all that I felt. Sure, some people had empathy for me and felt compassion because they had gone through their own circumstances that had left them feeling lost and like a failure, but no one had experienced MY circumstances.

Schools were no longer pursuing me as they had in my previous years. My name wasn't out there, or if it was, they couldn't see past the fact that my last year teaching had only been for a few months. My phone didn't ring.

I was uncertain where to go from there, what to do with my life. And it wasn't just my job that was affected. My confidence had been shattered and it affected everything I did. I became a bump on a log for a long time - sleeping, eating, reading, watching TV, and maybe some knitting. I gave up my favorite things- playing volleyball, singing, playing my guitar, being out with friends. No one understood; I was sinking into myself.

My mother finally (lovingly) pushed me hard enough to seek help. I found a wonderful Christian counselor (psychotherapist) who wouldn't let me slide by. He pushed me to dig deep and find my inner strength. I got involved in a program called "Emotional Brain Training" (EBT for short) that helped me rewire old messages that I had told myself, or been told as a child, about not being enough. With my counselor's help and through my own hard work I found my strength, the strength that God had given me, that I'd had all along.

I now see my own beauty and know that I am enough and God is enough for me, but still there is a longing for a mate, a partner, a spouse. I can't wait to see what this book helps bring to light about the heart of a woman and how to become "captivating".

Eldredge, John and Stasi. Captivating. Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 2010. Print

Overwhelmed

Tuesday I was feeling overwhelmed by emotions. At the time, I really had no idea why, but I was losing it. I was crying for no reason. I was feeling anxious, irritable, and confused. I thought that exercising might help, but in the midst of planking I started bawling again. No clue why, but I was overwhelmed.

I tried to do my EBT meditation, and that helped for a moment, but then a few moments later I was bawling again for seemingly no reason.

I decided to give myself the night off. Trying to attempt my "to do" list was stressing me out more, so I made a little dinner of potatoes O'Brien and scrambled eggs (which, just my luck, I burned a little), and then I sat down to knit. Knitting is usually a relaxing activity for me and it helped me Tuesday night. And around 9:30 pm, I sent myself to bed a little earlier than usual.

Wednesday morning I woke up to the "Overwhelmed" playing on the radio.



As I listened, I connected with the desire to be overwhelmed by God, not by my emotions and so I pondered again, why was I feeling this way?

My shoulders hurt, like I was carrying a lot of tension, but the day had been pretty good.
My joints hurt, especially my legs, like I'd run outside instead of on the treadmill, but I hadn't.
I was tired, but I'd gotten a fair amount of sleep.
My stomach hurt, but I thought I'd eaten pretty well. Ok, so maybe not great, but a can of Progresso was better than fast food, right?

So, why was I feeling like this? And then it hit me: all the sugar from Thanksgiving dinner. Cranberry jell-o salad, two slices of pie, ice cream, and whipped cream. And another slice of pie the next day. Yep, that would do it to me.

As soon as I had that realization, I felt a wave of peace wash over me. I felt peace knowing  what was "wrong" with me. They were just feelings, and feelings are neither right nor wrong, but I was confused as to why I was feeling them.

Armed with this knowledge, I have been trying fiercely to cut out sugar, except for the natural kind from my diet. I had a little hiccup last night as I had some pop with dinner. I noticed that I'm still slightly irritable this morning (but that could also be because the caffeine in the pop kept me up late). But, I'm doing SOOOOOO much better than I was on Tuesday. I'm no longer feeling overwhelmed by emotions and instead letting myself be overwhelmed by God's love and care for me.