Resolution

I have definitely overdone it today. I have had way too much sugar. Not just today but the last several weeks. But I can tell today I've had too much sugar. Without even tracking it, I know. I can feel it in my body. I feel sluggish and happy. I am going to track it. I did track it. And as I wrote it all down I have a lot of regret. And as I feel the effects of it in my body I have a lot of regrets.

Did you overdo anything today? Or this holiday season?

We have the choice to start again. To try again tomorrow. Each day is a fresh start. No need to wait for the new year or the new week to start. Choose the next hour even to start making better choices.

I had a lot of regret after our birthday cake and ice cream dinner. I tried to compensate by eating veggies and some protein afterwards. I wasn't hungry. I ate any way to be social. I am just really off my game. I've got some mental stress staying with me from work and it's throwing me off my game of making good choices with my food.

I'm going to go do some private journaling this evening to try to clear my mind of the work stress. I need to come up with a game plan for handling the work stress, so that I can get back to healthier habits. The work stuff is taking up too much energy and I'm tired of it. I need to use my energy on things that fulfill me and bring me joy. Stress does not bring me joy. Anxiety does not bring me joy. The solution to this is to take some time for reflection and develop a plan.

So my resolution, starting right now not in 2019, but right now this minute as to come up with a plan for dealing with the stress at work and focus my energy on that plan and taking better care of myself. What's your resolution? Your plan for making tonight better than today? Tomorrow better than the day before? Don't wait for 2019. Start now. We got this!

Let's "Slow Down", aka the death of a relationship?

Family relationships. Dating relationships. Roommate relationships. Ahh, the joy of human interactions. Yes, this is one of the topics that has been ruminating in my mind that I've been considering blogging about for a few days.

Let go of the past.

As if dating isn't hard enough on it's own or the holidays aren't stressful enough on their own, combine dating during the holidays and what do you get? A few more gray hairs to hide, I think. Oh, the joys of memories of relationships past: he cheated on me and dumped me over Christmas/New Years. Is the current guy seeing someone else? Will he dump me, too, when I start acting crazy because of old memories, family stress, and sugar crazies? It's enough to make me want to crawl under a rock and hide for two weeks. What do I do instead? Open my big mouth and send a text message.

Yah, we're in this awkward stage where we've been seeing each other regularly now for a few months. I'm not dating anyone else, and I'm pretty sure he's not either. He's my steady guy. I'm not interested in seeing anyone else. I'm pretty sure he likes me a lot. Though he's not good at telling me, he's really good at showing me. He takes me to nice dinners, treats me like a lady, cheers me up when I'm upset or stressed. He's pretty freakin' wonderful.

So, going home for the holidays, when people ask if I'm seeing anyone I say I've got a boyfriend. He's not officially, but it's easier to say that than try to explain all of the above. Back in Seattle I ran into an old (male) acquaintance that I knew from my dance school. We ran into each other twice at different dance events. The second night he tried to kiss me as I left. I saw him coming in and so I turned my head and he got my cheek. I'd previously told him I had a boyfriend. I did later that week tell him that I was angry at him for trying to kiss me when he knew I was seeing someone else. He apologized, sort of. He says he was tipsy from drinking and got carried away because of my pretty smile. (I think it's BS, but decided it wasn't worth calling him on it because I was only in town for a few days and won't likely see him again, at least not for another several months.)

Well, I'd had sugar earlier that day. And I'd had a drink at the dance, so needless to say I was feeling not quite myself. I got home a little after midnight amped up from dancing, my mind turning from the attempted kiss, and my body feeling funny from the sugar. Sleep was not going to come easily.

After tossing and turning for a few hours, I grabbed my phone and texted my steady guy. I confessed the attempted kiss and how I diverted it. And then I told him my desire to be his girlfriend and for him to be my boyfriend because I didn't want anyone else kissing me but him and I didn't want anyone else kissing him but me, and what did he think of that. And then I hit send. Holy crap, what did I just do!?! I turned my phone off, now chicken and afraid of his response, because "what if" all my fears about him cheating on me and dumping me on New Years just like the past relationship guy came true all because I had a freak out at 5 am. I turned my phone back off and tried to go back to sleep.

A few hours later I woke up and turned my phone back on. There was a reply, of course. He said I'm a special woman to him, but he's not ready for that relationship status. In the light of day, maybe I'm not either, but now what? How do I act? How do we go forward? I start freaking out again and send him another text. I should have just left it alone, but in typical girl (or just me) fashion, I text back. After a couple messages back and forth he sends the dreaded "maybe we should slow down". Holy crap, what have I done!?

I replied, of course, not smart enough yet, or awake enough yet, to realize I should have stopped several messages ago, in fact probably should never have replied to his response in the first place. After a couple more messages I stop and turn my phone off. His last words to me "Don't worry about it. Enjoy your vacation." And in the back of my mind his words keep swirling around "maybe we should slow down."

How can I not  worry about it and enjoy my vacation now after the stupid things I just said in texts? In my mind I start thinking "that's it, this relationship is over, and I've killed it. This is all my fault. I should never have messaged him at 5 am; I'm an idiot." Thankfully my mother and a good friend talk me down and support my decision to not message him. They help me stay strong and wait.

I try to go forward to enjoy the last few days of my vacation. It's not easy. I keep finding occasions when I want to text him something funny, ask him a question, share a picture, but I don't. Saturday and Sunday were long days of waiting. Monday I wake up to a text from him. Nothing terribly exciting, just a comment about the weather in SLC, but the best news from him after a few days of radio silence.

The relationship did not die. I gave him some space; he gave me some in return. And he picked me up on New Years Eve for dinner followed by a quiet evening watching the ball drop on TV. Not a break-up. He's not the guy I dated in the past. He likes me and he has never lied to me. This guy is different and he'll move at his own pace. We'll move at our own pace. And I'm learning to be ok with that.

Happy New Year

I've had several ideas for Blog post titles and ideas going through my head the last couple days. Too bad I didn't write them down so now I don't know what  great words of wisdom I thought I had to share.

So maybe it doesn't have to be majorly inspiring (awe-inspiring or otherwise), maybe it's ok if this is just about every day life. Here goes.

It's the new year. Any resolutions? No, actually, I've only ever made one resolution in my life (and stuck to it) that I remember. But I do have some goals for this year.

1. Think before I eat.
2. Remember why I started this journey- keep in front of me my goals that I started with last year.
3. Don't let food rule my life and don't let emotions rule my eating.
4. Don't make decisions when I'm feeling out of sorts, other than to get back into sorts by getting a good night's sleep, eat good for me food, and get some physical activity into my day; in other words- take care of myself.

The last two weeks I sort of forgot some of these things. I know, it's the holidays, stress mounts, it's easy to do, but then one might question the importance of those goals in the first place if they are so easily forgotten or set aside. They don't lose their importance during the holidays, in fact I should focus on them even more carefully when I know I will be stressed, as a form of self-care and stress-prevention.

As I sit here writing, I'm over-tired and my stomach is upset with me. I didn't get enough sleep last night and I haven't eaten well today. Not very good self-care. I'm not going to beat myself up, but I am doing some self-observation to remind myself how this came to be and reminding myself of my goals and what I need to do to get back on track.

Note to Self:

What do I need? I need to get to bed soon (but I knew I needed to get some of these thoughts of my head and shared with you so that I would sleep better). I also need to rub some peppermint oil on my belly, drink my peppermint tea, and forgive myself for not eating enough fruit, veggies, and good protein today. I'm coming up with a plan for tomorrow, starting with going to bed soon tonight and heading to the fitness center at the top of my priority list for tomorrow, along with defrosting some chicken so I can cook at home tomorrow instead of eat out.

Knowing these things are making me not feel like my normal, lovely self, I'm observing how I am feeling instead. I'm feeling needy and oh so very short-tempered. I want company, but only someone who will pamper me. I'm not sure it's fair to inflict myself on anyone, so I'm not asking for company. And the poor cat keeps getting pushed off my lap and tossed out of my bedroom. (Somewhat in my defense, every time she goes in my bedroom she chews on my wall decor or the tassels on my throw pillows or knocks my fragile angels on the floor breaking their wings off, so I'm only protecting my things.) Oh, and the darned cat keeps stopping right in front of my feet when I'm walking; and since she's dark gray and small and our apartment is poorly lit she's almost gotten stepped on on a few occasions. And I'm having very little patience with her.

And men. Should I even go there? I just don't understand them. Most of the time I don't think I ever will. Ok, so taking my own advice, I'm going to not make any decisions or assumptions about what this particular one is thinking or feeling. I'm going to go put my pajamas on, turn off my phone, and crawl into bed for a good night's sleep. Maybe my relationship with him (and food!) will look differently (better!) in the morning after a long night's sleep.

Stop the World, I Want to Get Off

I've had it up to here!

I need to give myself an extra measure of grace today.

I'm stressed. I'm tired. I'm tense. I'm ready to cry. The cat keeps meowing (in a come hither, I'm in heat sort of way), I can't get the lid on the plastic container I'm packing, I keep nibbling at the fudge that I'm packaging up to give away (even though I don't want to eat it), my computer is working really slowly (and I might throw it out the window- or through the window!), and ... and I don't understand men.

I know, I know. It's the sugar. Sugar does bad things to me; it makes my body achy and makes my mind play games.

As if this season isn't stressful enough I'm dating a guy (and dating always is stressful). He seems like a pretty good guy. At least most of the time. He cheered me up earlier this evening with some funny texts. Now I want to throttle him. His last message, after I said "good night" was "cheers". Who says "cheers"? Are we toasting and I don't know it?! Or is there some other reason for a casual (platonic friends) greeting? More than likely, I'm reading too much in to this.


Ok, so given the circumstances it's not surprising that I'm feeling stressed and anxious about dating. Yes, there's the whole "sugar makes me kinda crazy thing", but there was a spot in my past where dating at this time of year caused me a lot of hurt. The sugar craze is dredging up that memory. The guy I was dating started talking to another girl while I was gone for Christmas. When he picked me up from the airport on New Years Eve he confessed this all to me and broke up with me. Jerk. So, yah, I'm coming up to this holiday with a little trepidation. I know the guy I'm dating now isn't the guy I was dating back then. I'm pretty sure (like 95%) that he likes me; he's just not good at saying it so it leaves me uncertain sometimes. (And yah, there was another guy I dated who never told me how he felt. Months after I told him I loved him he still hadn't said it back, which is a big reason I broke up with him. I needed to not only see and feel how he felt about me, but I also I needed to hear it. I told him this evening that I like him, in a text, and he never acknowledged or responded. I'm a little hurt.) I know I need to leave the past in the past. I know THIS guy is NOT THOSE guys. But the sugar is making me think crazy thoughts. I need to stop the sugar so I can stop some of the crazy thoughts. I need to stop the sugar so I can think rationally.

I need to stop the sugar. Not only is it making me crazy, it's going to make my body achy and yucky. I already noticed the yucky feeling this afternoon when working out. My body didn't have any energy to really push the cardio because I haven't been fueling it properly. My workout this evening was tough. I'm glad I went and it made me feel a little better, but I don't feel as good after as I usually do.

I need to stop the sugar and get back on track with what I know my body wants and what makes me feel good because I'm seven-tenths of a pound away from my goal weight. 0.7 pounds! And I already printed my Christmas letter saying I met my goal weight this December. I don't want to make a liar out of myself.

Somebody stop me before I drive myself crazy! Oh, wait, that somebody is me.

I'm going to bed. Not getting enough sleep will only add to the stress. So if I can't stop the world and get off, I can at least go to bed and shut the world out for several hours.

Overwhelmed

Tuesday I was feeling overwhelmed by emotions. At the time, I really had no idea why, but I was losing it. I was crying for no reason. I was feeling anxious, irritable, and confused. I thought that exercising might help, but in the midst of planking I started bawling again. No clue why, but I was overwhelmed.

I tried to do my EBT meditation, and that helped for a moment, but then a few moments later I was bawling again for seemingly no reason.

I decided to give myself the night off. Trying to attempt my "to do" list was stressing me out more, so I made a little dinner of potatoes O'Brien and scrambled eggs (which, just my luck, I burned a little), and then I sat down to knit. Knitting is usually a relaxing activity for me and it helped me Tuesday night. And around 9:30 pm, I sent myself to bed a little earlier than usual.

Wednesday morning I woke up to the "Overwhelmed" playing on the radio.



As I listened, I connected with the desire to be overwhelmed by God, not by my emotions and so I pondered again, why was I feeling this way?

My shoulders hurt, like I was carrying a lot of tension, but the day had been pretty good.
My joints hurt, especially my legs, like I'd run outside instead of on the treadmill, but I hadn't.
I was tired, but I'd gotten a fair amount of sleep.
My stomach hurt, but I thought I'd eaten pretty well. Ok, so maybe not great, but a can of Progresso was better than fast food, right?

So, why was I feeling like this? And then it hit me: all the sugar from Thanksgiving dinner. Cranberry jell-o salad, two slices of pie, ice cream, and whipped cream. And another slice of pie the next day. Yep, that would do it to me.

As soon as I had that realization, I felt a wave of peace wash over me. I felt peace knowing  what was "wrong" with me. They were just feelings, and feelings are neither right nor wrong, but I was confused as to why I was feeling them.

Armed with this knowledge, I have been trying fiercely to cut out sugar, except for the natural kind from my diet. I had a little hiccup last night as I had some pop with dinner. I noticed that I'm still slightly irritable this morning (but that could also be because the caffeine in the pop kept me up late). But, I'm doing SOOOOOO much better than I was on Tuesday. I'm no longer feeling overwhelmed by emotions and instead letting myself be overwhelmed by God's love and care for me.

Listening, Prayers, and Relief

Yesterday was a rough day.

I woke up late. My alarm never went off. I had set it; I just forgot to turn it on. My roommate woke me up 5 minutes after she wanted to leave for work. Thankfully, she was gracious and kind about me oversleeping and told me to not worry about it.

But still, waking up late sets the tone for the day and mine was off all day.

I missed our staff devotions because when I got to school I discovered a bunch of little things that I had forgotten to do to prepare for the day. I felt like I was behind all day.

I texted the guy I had a date with on Friday night (date #4) to say that I had a good time and thanks for dinner. And any chance of seeing him again. Though I know the date went well, and despite the fact that I know he's a mellow, laid back guy, despite the fact that it's only date #4, his response made me anxious. Does he not like me? Does he not like me as much as I thought? What's going on?

That evening I was all out of sorts. I was anxious, agitated, and tired. I succumbed to tears. Those tears and snuggling my roommate's kitty helped a bit. I also took some time to use my EBT skills and do a "cycle" to go through my feelings, essential pains, and earned rewards of struggling through this. I felt somewhat lifted by listening to my body.

But when I went to bed, more tears came. That's when I finally cried out to Jesus.



Jesus, I need your help here. I'm feeling anxious. I don't know what to do. Help me through this. Take this burden and this worry from me tonight. Help me to sleep in Your peace.

And I slept. Peacefully in the arms of Jesus. Thanks be to God.