(Cadbury) Eggs for Breakfast

Breakfast of Champions

If this is the real world again, I want vacation back.

Two hours after I got home, my roommates cat peed on my comforter.
I discovered a friend lied to me by not telling me he was married.
The cat sat on my computer and messed up settings.
I gained 3.5 pounds.
I finally deleted my ex from my phone contacts.

I woke up this morning still mad at the cat for peeing on my comforter last night and angry at my friend for not having told me that he was married. The cat is getting fixed later this month, so hopefully her hormones will calm down and she'll stop peeing on my stuff. But for my guy friend to not tell me he was married? I'm still miffed about that.

To be clear, we have both agreed from the start that we are not going to date- we are just friends. I've known he has kids and I asked him how many times he's been married. He said twice. He never bothered to tell me he was currently married.

We had a long heart-to-heart conversation last night about some rough stuff he's been going through with his first wife. During that conversation he finally came out and said that he was currently married. He says he's tried to tell me before but that I didn't get it. Ummmm.... hello, you either do or do not tell someone you are married. You don't try. It's like sort-of being pregnant; there's no sort-of, you either are or are not pregnant. There's no in-between.

I'm not mad because I'm upset at the loss of a potential dating partner. Like I said, we've been clear with each other from the start that we are just going to be friends. We've repeated it to each other over and over and over. We are just friends. But maybe the reason that he can't date me because he's already married, maybe that should have come up as one of his reasons. Maybe?

I was so stressed and angry this morning, and having just returned from vacation there was no food in the house. Nothing except some Easter candy my roommate had given me- mini Cadbury eggs. In my stressed state and being very hungry, I ate almost a dozen mini Cadbury eggs for breakfast.

Great.

So, now I'm not only angry, hurt, and hungry, I'm now feeling crappy from eating crappy food.

I vent to a friend via texting, only to realize that some coworker friends will be arriving in 30 minutes to go to lunch and hiking. And I've got all these feelings swirling and thoughts swirling around that I need to get out (and onto my blog?). I open my laptop to get it ready and then hit the shower.

As soon as I get dressed I come back to my laptop to find the cat sitting on my laptop. She's magically walked across all the right buttons to really mess up the settings and do who-knows-what, but I don't know how to fix it except to try to restart the computer. I'm pissed.

And then the doorbell rings.

Great.

My coworkers are here to go hiking, my computer is messed up, I feel like crap from eating candy for breakfast, my friend lied to me, I just deleted my ex from my contacts, and the cat peed on my comforter. I answer the door with tears in my eyes threatening to spill over.

Amen.

I contemplate cancelling going hiking with them because of the horrible mood I'm in, but quickly change my mind. I don't want to be in the apartment all day, alone, with the cat who pees on everything and messes up my computer. It's a beautiful day. I need to be around people and out in the sunshine. I opt for the distraction, dry my eyes, and go.

Now, at the end of the day, I'm glad I didn't skip out on the hike. I had a good time at lunch and in the mountains, and they ended up staying for pizza with me (which was free because I'd used bonus points!). The day ended much better than it started.

I don't think I'll kill the cat today. My computer is working again. The comforter will get cleaned. My friend... well... we'll have to have another heart-to-heart. Life will go on. This, too, shall pass.

Let's "Slow Down", aka the death of a relationship?

Family relationships. Dating relationships. Roommate relationships. Ahh, the joy of human interactions. Yes, this is one of the topics that has been ruminating in my mind that I've been considering blogging about for a few days.

Let go of the past.

As if dating isn't hard enough on it's own or the holidays aren't stressful enough on their own, combine dating during the holidays and what do you get? A few more gray hairs to hide, I think. Oh, the joys of memories of relationships past: he cheated on me and dumped me over Christmas/New Years. Is the current guy seeing someone else? Will he dump me, too, when I start acting crazy because of old memories, family stress, and sugar crazies? It's enough to make me want to crawl under a rock and hide for two weeks. What do I do instead? Open my big mouth and send a text message.

Yah, we're in this awkward stage where we've been seeing each other regularly now for a few months. I'm not dating anyone else, and I'm pretty sure he's not either. He's my steady guy. I'm not interested in seeing anyone else. I'm pretty sure he likes me a lot. Though he's not good at telling me, he's really good at showing me. He takes me to nice dinners, treats me like a lady, cheers me up when I'm upset or stressed. He's pretty freakin' wonderful.

So, going home for the holidays, when people ask if I'm seeing anyone I say I've got a boyfriend. He's not officially, but it's easier to say that than try to explain all of the above. Back in Seattle I ran into an old (male) acquaintance that I knew from my dance school. We ran into each other twice at different dance events. The second night he tried to kiss me as I left. I saw him coming in and so I turned my head and he got my cheek. I'd previously told him I had a boyfriend. I did later that week tell him that I was angry at him for trying to kiss me when he knew I was seeing someone else. He apologized, sort of. He says he was tipsy from drinking and got carried away because of my pretty smile. (I think it's BS, but decided it wasn't worth calling him on it because I was only in town for a few days and won't likely see him again, at least not for another several months.)

Well, I'd had sugar earlier that day. And I'd had a drink at the dance, so needless to say I was feeling not quite myself. I got home a little after midnight amped up from dancing, my mind turning from the attempted kiss, and my body feeling funny from the sugar. Sleep was not going to come easily.

After tossing and turning for a few hours, I grabbed my phone and texted my steady guy. I confessed the attempted kiss and how I diverted it. And then I told him my desire to be his girlfriend and for him to be my boyfriend because I didn't want anyone else kissing me but him and I didn't want anyone else kissing him but me, and what did he think of that. And then I hit send. Holy crap, what did I just do!?! I turned my phone off, now chicken and afraid of his response, because "what if" all my fears about him cheating on me and dumping me on New Years just like the past relationship guy came true all because I had a freak out at 5 am. I turned my phone back off and tried to go back to sleep.

A few hours later I woke up and turned my phone back on. There was a reply, of course. He said I'm a special woman to him, but he's not ready for that relationship status. In the light of day, maybe I'm not either, but now what? How do I act? How do we go forward? I start freaking out again and send him another text. I should have just left it alone, but in typical girl (or just me) fashion, I text back. After a couple messages back and forth he sends the dreaded "maybe we should slow down". Holy crap, what have I done!?

I replied, of course, not smart enough yet, or awake enough yet, to realize I should have stopped several messages ago, in fact probably should never have replied to his response in the first place. After a couple more messages I stop and turn my phone off. His last words to me "Don't worry about it. Enjoy your vacation." And in the back of my mind his words keep swirling around "maybe we should slow down."

How can I not  worry about it and enjoy my vacation now after the stupid things I just said in texts? In my mind I start thinking "that's it, this relationship is over, and I've killed it. This is all my fault. I should never have messaged him at 5 am; I'm an idiot." Thankfully my mother and a good friend talk me down and support my decision to not message him. They help me stay strong and wait.

I try to go forward to enjoy the last few days of my vacation. It's not easy. I keep finding occasions when I want to text him something funny, ask him a question, share a picture, but I don't. Saturday and Sunday were long days of waiting. Monday I wake up to a text from him. Nothing terribly exciting, just a comment about the weather in SLC, but the best news from him after a few days of radio silence.

The relationship did not die. I gave him some space; he gave me some in return. And he picked me up on New Years Eve for dinner followed by a quiet evening watching the ball drop on TV. Not a break-up. He's not the guy I dated in the past. He likes me and he has never lied to me. This guy is different and he'll move at his own pace. We'll move at our own pace. And I'm learning to be ok with that.