New Chapter

Mike Weaver, the lead singer of Big Daddy Weave, reported in an interview that they were scheduled to sing this song live at the same time his brother, part of the band, was in the hospital for a mysterious blood infection that led to a double amputation of his feet. And they weren't sure how they could sing this song during such a difficult time, but they were reminded that Jay's story isn't over. (Read more here.)

"If I told you my story
You would hear hope that wouldn't let go
If I told you my story
You would hear love that never gave up
If I told you my story
You would hear life but it wasn't mine

If I should speak then let it be

Of the grace that is greater than all my sin
Of when justice was served and where mercy wins
Of the kindness of Jesus that draws me in
To tell you my story is to tell of Him"

I read this story on Facebook, right after my morning devotion from Proverbs 31 Ministries about the importance of friendship (read it here). I was on my way to go to pick up my friend Chloe on my way to a very important doctor's appointment and I was very grateful that she was accompanying me.

Back in March at my annual physical, my doctor was doing my pelvic exam and we discovered that I was very tender. He had me scheduled an ultrasound exam for a week later. My doctor said the exam showed a cyst on my ovary, but that was normal during a menstrual cycle, so he wanted to have another ultrasound done in six weeks to see how it changed (because it's supposed to change). 

At the follow up ultrasound in May the doctor saw something that concerned him - continued growth of the cyst so he referred me to a gynecologist for further tests and treatment, which brings us to the day that I read the story on Facebook about Jay Weaver facing a double foot amputation. 

The song, the devotion, reminded me that whatever happens at the doctor's office, I am blessed to have my good friend Chloe go through this with me, and that God will use this experience as part of my story. My story is not over, no matter what the doctor diagnoses me with.

My gynecologist reviewed my primary care physician's notes and the ultrasound information and then said what he thought it might be - endometriosis or ovarian cancer. 

I took a deep breath and listened. 

He and I talked about my symptoms and the next steps. He sent me to get some blood drawn and referred me to get an MRI so he could get a better picture of what's going on inside of me. He said if it's endometriosis it might be treatable with birth control hormones, and if it's cancer he knows a great oncologist just across the street. 

The comic I read while I breathed and got my blood drawn.

And then I took another deep breath, then I went to get my blood drawn. And I kept breathing through the blood draw.

And I kept breathing on the drive home. 

And as I breathed, I reminded myself that no matter what this turns out to be my story isn't over. This is the next chapter of my story. Perhaps my story will be helpful to someone. Or perhaps someone else's story will help and encourage me. But no matter what, God's not done with me yet. This is not the end - it is a new chapter. Another beginning.

Prayer For My Friend

Heavenly Father, I miss my friend. I miss them a lot. We haven't seen each other in over a month and my life feels a little emptier without them.

And lately I've really been wanting to spend time with them. And perhaps that's how you feel about me. I've been neglecting our time together, not spending enough time in conversation with you.

And I've had a few tears of longing for time with my friend. How many times have you shed tears longing for time with me? Waiting for me to come back to you.

Their absence hurts and weighs heavy on my heart. I long to just be close to my friend, to hold each other in a long embrace. No words to speak, just together. Just together.

Do you long for me, too, like that, Lord? Waiting to hold me in your embrace and just be with me?

I'm longing, Lord. Longing to feel a warm embrace. Longing to be held. Desiring to hold another and share my love. Show me who needs my love and let me feel your embrace.

Amen.

Out Of My Control

So I this week started reading a Bible study book called "Unglued" by Lisa TerKeurst, a Proverbs 31 Ministries online Bible study. I'm on chapter 2 and I'm on my second reading up the chapter. As I read I like to read once just to absorb information. The second time I read I like to underline passages and take notes.

So, today I'm on my second reading of chapter 2 entitled "I'm not a freak out woman". I've read again and again words along the lines of  "I can face things that are out of my control without acting out of control."

And yeah, sure I believe that in a lot of areas of my life. In fact, I was great at that yesterday when I was at the dealer waiting for my car that was getting recall work done. I first got a phone call from my bank saying there has been fraudulent activity on my bank card. They had to close my card and transferred me to customer service to get a new card activated, but I won't get it for a week or so. Until then I have to pay for everything with cash. And just after I got off the phone with my bank the attendant at the car station comes in and tells me that there's no oil in my car and they want to do some tests and repairs are going to cost a couple hundred dollars. I had a choice I could freak out to start stressing my brain spend a million miles a minute, or I could breathe and look at one thing at a time. I chose to calmly contact my bank and request a new card. Then, I thought through some of my options with my car and I chose to have one test done and wait for a few weeks until after the test is done to see if the other service would be needed. That reduced my expenses yesterday greatly.

But as I started writing this down in my journal, about facing things out of my control without acting out of control, and underlining the thought in my book an idea really hit hard. Am I trusting God, really trusting God, about this in my dating life? Do I really believe God is there and that he is out to do me good? Can I stop freaking out and stop trying to fix dating situations on my own? Am I ready to rest in the fact that God is in control? Even in control of my dating life?

I wasn't so good at that earlier this year. This past spring I met a man online. He came to visit and we fell in love. He became a big part of my world: we talked, texted, called, frequently. But then something happened at his job and he couldn't give me time and attention. Things were out of control and I felt out of control. I acted out of control. I stopped trusting God's plan and forgot whose side I'm on. I was the worst version of myself.

I made a new friend earlier this year. We immediately connected on facebook and also texted regularly.And we would see each other about once or twice a week sometimes. I have come to feel very close to this person. We aren't dating, we're just friends, but very good friends. They are very important to me. 

But things in their life have changed recently and it's affected our relationship. We haven't seen each other as much and haven't talked for awhile. Things in our relationship are out of my control. And I have a choice. I can freak out because things are out of control or I can choose to trust that God is in control and He is on my side and on my friend's side for our good. So I ask myself what good will it do to freak out? No good.

So, whose side are you on?

Bells Canyon Reservoir Hike - Take 3

Another try at hiking Bells Canyon Reservoir looking for the waterfall this evening. Third - or is it the fourth? - try was the charm.

It was a lovely evening for a hike. We left for the trail around 6 pm. The temps were still in the 90s, but dropping. We were all loaded with water and Smartphones for tracking our hike and taking photos. And, as usual, I had my emergency granola bar in my hiking bag. We were bound and determined to find the waterfall this time.

It was about 5 miles round trip and took about 3 hours. We are exhausted but thought it was so worth it. Here are some photos of our journey this evening.

The Living Room

I needed a distraction today.

Sunflowers!
My favorite growing along the trail.

My dancing friend, the one whom I'd only recently found out was married, told me last night that he wanted to kiss me. Yep, you can read that again, but you read it right. He told me he wanted to kiss me. He said he wasn't going to, but still, he said it. There's no going back after saying that. A boundary has been crossed.

He sent me a text this morning saying thanks for dancing last night... friend.

Friend? Really? After last night? My response was that I felt like a boundary had been crossed and I wasn't comfortable. I needed some time and space to think about where things went from there because I wasn't sure. His response was basically to blame me, then tell me that he couldn't take me dancing anymore and basically have a nice life.

I deleted him. I'm moving on. But still, losing a friend isn't fun. I needed some cheering and distraction. So first I went to the gym to workout and then I contacted a friend to go hiking. The gym workout was tough. I was still doing the text conversation with the "friend." After it ended, I finished my workout and convinced my roommate to take me to Chik-fil-A for some comfort food.

Shortly after we got back from Chik-fil-A, my friend Sarah arrived for a hike. We decided to go to The Living Room, because it wasn't too far into the mountains (because it was still cool) and it wouldn't be a long hike (because rain was supposed to roll in around 5 pm).

Here's the fun part!

The views on the way up
were spectacular!

Sarah and I got a little turned around on our way to the trail head, but we quickly found the right place and hit the trail. It was cool out, but the skies looked fairly clear. We walked the path to what we thought was trail head and started up the path.  A little ways up the trail, Sarah comments that it doesn't seem quite right, but we continue on. About 10 minutes in, she thinks we may be on the steep trail instead of the main trail. We decide to keep going and hope that we'd cross the main trail along the way.

We encountered mud, lots of mud, but not the main trail, at least not until we've almost slipped down hill once or twice and were about 50 yards from the top. And boy, was it really steep. We had to keep stopping every three-tenths of a mile to catch our breath because we were breathing hard.

Ok, so we also stopped to enjoy the views behind us. It was pretty amazing just how much we could see from there. And we were only three-tenths of a mile up the trail. We kept going, slipping a bit here and grabbing onto dry tree branches to help steady ourselves. And, of course, wishing we'd taken the correct trail on the way up.

We slipped up the muddy hillside,
and finally found the main trail.

When we finally made it up the last slippery slope and joined the main trail we could breathe easier. And we enjoyed the view of the whole city and lake from up there. The last step was really slippery and steep; we both thought I might have to give Sarah a hand up, but she made it on her own.

Ahhh! Relaxing on the love seat in The Living Room.

As we walked down the main trail to the top of the hill, it started to rain. The storm was coming in sooner than anticipated. We got to The Living Room as the rain drops became bigger. We took a few pictures of each other and of the view, then decided it would be good time head back down.

Storms rolling in.

On the way down, the rain drops were mixed with hail. The rain had come in sooner than expected, an unpleasant surprise. It was cold and getting colder. We were going to get very wet. And cold.

We slipped and slid down the main trail, but stayed on the path. The rain and hail just came down harder and harder. We both pulled out of our hiking bags some long-sleeved shirts, but they were no match for the wetness. We still got soaked, but at least our skin wasn't getting directly pelted.

Those white flecks on my pants
are splattered hail balls.

Look at that hail come down!

The path became a stream as we continued down. Our shoes got wet and our feet got cold. We stopped a few times for pictures of the storm and to let a jogger run by. The deluge turned worse and we wished for cover but were enjoying our adventure.

This always seems to happen to me- something unexpected. But Sarah and I agreed that we had fun and though the steep trail was tough, it was a good workout. But we were NOT going to take it back down the hillside in the rain and hail! The main path was bad enough, the steep trail would've been worse. We sloshed our way back to her car, thoroughly soaked, but having enjoyed our time together.

And by the end, all I could think about was the good time I'd had on an adventure with my friend and had forgotten all about the trouble with my "friend"...

The stream, aka trail,
we took back down.

(Cadbury) Eggs for Breakfast

Breakfast of Champions

If this is the real world again, I want vacation back.

Two hours after I got home, my roommates cat peed on my comforter.
I discovered a friend lied to me by not telling me he was married.
The cat sat on my computer and messed up settings.
I gained 3.5 pounds.
I finally deleted my ex from my phone contacts.

I woke up this morning still mad at the cat for peeing on my comforter last night and angry at my friend for not having told me that he was married. The cat is getting fixed later this month, so hopefully her hormones will calm down and she'll stop peeing on my stuff. But for my guy friend to not tell me he was married? I'm still miffed about that.

To be clear, we have both agreed from the start that we are not going to date- we are just friends. I've known he has kids and I asked him how many times he's been married. He said twice. He never bothered to tell me he was currently married.

We had a long heart-to-heart conversation last night about some rough stuff he's been going through with his first wife. During that conversation he finally came out and said that he was currently married. He says he's tried to tell me before but that I didn't get it. Ummmm.... hello, you either do or do not tell someone you are married. You don't try. It's like sort-of being pregnant; there's no sort-of, you either are or are not pregnant. There's no in-between.

I'm not mad because I'm upset at the loss of a potential dating partner. Like I said, we've been clear with each other from the start that we are just going to be friends. We've repeated it to each other over and over and over. We are just friends. But maybe the reason that he can't date me because he's already married, maybe that should have come up as one of his reasons. Maybe?

I was so stressed and angry this morning, and having just returned from vacation there was no food in the house. Nothing except some Easter candy my roommate had given me- mini Cadbury eggs. In my stressed state and being very hungry, I ate almost a dozen mini Cadbury eggs for breakfast.

Great.

So, now I'm not only angry, hurt, and hungry, I'm now feeling crappy from eating crappy food.

I vent to a friend via texting, only to realize that some coworker friends will be arriving in 30 minutes to go to lunch and hiking. And I've got all these feelings swirling and thoughts swirling around that I need to get out (and onto my blog?). I open my laptop to get it ready and then hit the shower.

As soon as I get dressed I come back to my laptop to find the cat sitting on my laptop. She's magically walked across all the right buttons to really mess up the settings and do who-knows-what, but I don't know how to fix it except to try to restart the computer. I'm pissed.

And then the doorbell rings.

Great.

My coworkers are here to go hiking, my computer is messed up, I feel like crap from eating candy for breakfast, my friend lied to me, I just deleted my ex from my contacts, and the cat peed on my comforter. I answer the door with tears in my eyes threatening to spill over.

Amen.

I contemplate cancelling going hiking with them because of the horrible mood I'm in, but quickly change my mind. I don't want to be in the apartment all day, alone, with the cat who pees on everything and messes up my computer. It's a beautiful day. I need to be around people and out in the sunshine. I opt for the distraction, dry my eyes, and go.

Now, at the end of the day, I'm glad I didn't skip out on the hike. I had a good time at lunch and in the mountains, and they ended up staying for pizza with me (which was free because I'd used bonus points!). The day ended much better than it started.

I don't think I'll kill the cat today. My computer is working again. The comforter will get cleaned. My friend... well... we'll have to have another heart-to-heart. Life will go on. This, too, shall pass.

Out of Sorts

I think I'm going crazy. Maybe I'm there already. All I know is that I'm not myself. Is it because I, an extrovert, have been alone in my apartment for several days? Is it because I, a normally healthy eater, indulged in sweets and all sorts of crap foods several nights in a row?

Is it all of the above? Quite likely.

I'm feeling lethargic, no energy for my workout, and tired, I just want to crawl into bed and sleep until I wake up some time tomorrow. That's not going to happen, but that's how I feel. Thank goodness Easter break is only a few days away. Not sure I could make it otherwise.

To top off an already less than wonderful day yesterday (my hair stylist forgot my appointment and left early, and my roommate's cat is in heat and driving me crazy), I ate my feelings in the form of most of a large Philly cheesesteak pizza resulting in bloating and gas, dropped the water pitcher on the floor which broke the handle and flooded the kitchen, and had a disagreement with a friend via text messages. I ended the night sitting on the edge of my bed crying great tears of frustration. Not my most stellar moment in life, but not my worst either, so for that I can be grateful.

Today, I ate better, I exercised, and I'm still in a funk. I think I need a hug. I miss human contact. I know I'll be ok on my own, I AM OK on my own,  but still a long bear hug would go a long way to helping restore my sanity. That and a steak dinner, I think.

I think my friend and I made up. I did my part to apologize.

I'm not going to kill the cat. I probably won't kick her either. (Totally kidding, don't call PETA on me!) She'll be through her cycle soon and back to normal,  which is mostly ignoring me.

And a new month starts in two days, so I'll mix up my workout routine again. Maybe that's what I need to feel more motivated.

I'm gonna survive. I'm get through this. But if you see me, will you give me a hug? And if you see me and I'm crying, please make it a long bear hug!

Amazing Myself

Some of you might hate me for saying this, but I accidentally lost 4 pounds last week. I wasn't trying to lose weight last week, I was just trying to get back to the healthy eating habits I'd somewhat abandoned in February. I also amped up my workout routine. Last weekend I weighed in at 166, this weekend I weighed in at 162. I was shocked.

I'm a rebel and a rule-breaker!

I knew things were different because on Thursday I was able to button a corduroy jacket that hasn't fit in ages. I'd been wearing it anyway, just not buttoning it. But when I felt a slight chill and pulled it tighter across my chest, I was surprised that I didn't have to tug to get the two sides together. They easily came together across my chest and stomach.

Friday night, getting dressed to go dancing, my tummy pooch didn't seem quite as noticeable. My Spanx weren't having to work as hard to keep me slim.

And this weekend, I woke up feeling comfortable in my own body. I've been amazed at how it's been working the last week. From dancing, to exercising- including running 3 miles on the treadmill, to every day in the classroom my body has been going hard. And it's been keeping up.

I know I've said it before, but it doesn't hurt to say it again, I'm grateful to my body. I've put it through a bit of abuse with the extra weight, lack of exercise, and poor eating habits over past years and yet it's kept on going. Now, I'm paying more attention to it, not in a vain way, but in a way of being present with myself and noticing how I feel - paying attention to my body's signals. I'm practicing mindfulness.

I noticed my body was extra tired so I gave myself permission to turn off the alarm clock and wake up when my body was ready. And yes, that meant that I missed church today, which I am sad of, but didn't Jesus also take time off to take care of His physical need for rest? While it's not a habit I endorse, I'm spending time in personal meditation and reflection, and thanking God for what He's given me and and done for me. I whole-heartedly believe that fellowship with other believers is important, but so is listening to your body - the body God cretaed - and giving it what it needs. Today it needs rest, so that's what I'm giving it.

Sometimes I get so busy that I forget to appreciate my body and honor all that it's done for me. A new friend reminded me of how wonderful my body is when last weekend he told me "You're hot." I scoffed at first because of his word choice, having just read a blog post by another blogger who is a professional writer (Single Dad Laughing). He'd told a woman on a date "you're hot" and she also scoffed, not because she didn't believe him (as I didn't believe my friend), but because he's a writer and couldn't come up with better words. (Read blog post here.)

The next day I tried to explain to my friend via text why I had scoffed at his comment by sharing the blog link with him. He read it and wrote back that he liked the arrangement of my atoms. Hah! Well, since I was still waiting for the upswing of getting back into the habit of eating better and exercising more, I didn't truly believe him. I thought I was pretty enough, but not hot.

Now, a week later, I believe him. My atoms are arranged in a pretty awesome way, so thanks, my friend, for that reminder. I'll try to remember that on my own more often. My body is amazing, not just for how it looks, but for all it does.