Surprise!

Well.... so this just happened:

I was just reaching up to floss my teeth and my bicep accidentally flexed. (No, REALLY! It was totally accidental. I'm not in the habit of flexing my arms in the mirror at myself while going through my evening grooming rituals.)

I was so caught by surprise that I dropped the floss and texted my trainer. He "LOL'd" at me and then congratulated me.

Meanwhile, I started crying happy tears. I have had body issues for so long, y'all, that I can't remember the last time I was so amazed and proud of my body.

So, I'm just gonna savor the moment by closing my eyes and taking some deep breaths while I think about this and appreciate my body for all it's done for me. And smile.

It's Ok to Cry

I need a moment.

I feel tears welling up and ready to spill if I let them.

My trainer keeps telling me to find ways to manage my stress better. No eating or drinking away the stress. Reduce my stress he says.

I KNOW! Seriously, I'm not trying to seek it out. Life is happening. Events are conflicting with my plans for me. Surprises are popping up; some wanted, some not. Health issues. Relationship issues. Work issues.

Adulting is hard.

And sometimes tears are the best way for me to feel my feelings and let them wash over me so that I can move on.

Sometimes I need to do this alone. Sometimes I want to be held. But almost always I just need to feel the feelings and let the tears flow so that I can move on.

I'm gonna be ok.

I AM ok.

But in this moment this is hard. No judgment. It is what it is and that's ok.

Worthy

Have you ever felt so alone in your hurt? Have you ever cried so hard that you drop to your knees on the floor of the bathroom while your heart is hurting? Have you ever then with someone you know you shouldn't be with and yet you did it anyway?

Why do we do things that we know will cause us pain and grief? Why do we set ourselves limits and boundaries and yet cross them anyway? Why do we do these things when we know we will only get hurt?

I've done something foolish. Something I knew I didn't want to do. I told myself for weeks that I should stay away from this person. This weekend, I let this person back into my life even though I knew they would only hurt me. I confessed to a friend what I had done and while it brought me some relief because of her loving support, she shared with me something about the person involved that has caused me more hurt yet at the same time strengthened my resolve for the need to keep that person from being too involved in my life.

So here I am crying on the bathroom floor and hurting from a self inflicted wound because I let a person in my life that I shouldn't have. And now I need a plan. A plan to protect myself from the toxicity of this person and the potential for them to hurt me again.

My resolve is strengthened. I will make a plan to keep them at a safe distance. To keep myself at a safe distance. To protect my heart from hurt. Because I am worthy of good things. I am worthy of good friends. I am worthy of having loving people in my life. I am worthy of love. And this person does not love or care for me.

Hearing the Music Again

About mile 2.75

A walk is a great way to clear my mind. And since it's the last week of school with a jillion things going on, a dating relationship to ponder, and plans for vacation coming up, my mind needed clearing.

Going in, I thought this wouldn't be a great walk, but at least it would be a walk. I had sugary treats yesterday. I had another sugary treat today -despite telling myself I wouldn't. My body was feeling sluggish and achy, but I couldn't resist the lovely weather of this evening, so I threw on my workout gear - hitting the fitness center for a quick upper body and core workout- then hit the pavement for a longish, slowish walk in the evening sunshine.

The weather was lovely, but my mood not so much. I knew I was dawdling, but I told myself that was ok because at least I was moving. At least I was outside enjoying the lovely spring weather.

About mile 3.5

As often happens on my walk, I turn on some of my favorite music and just go. And also as often happens, my mind wanders, sometimes hearing the music and sometimes thinking about life. And sometimes thinking about how much I don't want to be walking because I don't feel like it.

Around mile 2.75, of 4.5, I finally got past the I don't feel like it feeling. Around mile 3.5 my mind began to wander. And around mile 4.25 I actually heard the music and started singing along. I finally felt like I was into my walk and it was less work and more enjoyment.

About mile 4.25

As I enjoyed it more, I thought about important life stuff, such as how grateful I was to myself for finally letting go of fear and stopping holding on so tightly. And I thought about how the initial infatuation has passed, but I still want to love him (not just the feeling, but the action). And I missed him. I almost cried a little; tears of some sadness, not tears of fear and despair that I had been experiencing. But I didn't cry; I breathed in and I breathed out and I let the feeling come and go. And as I let it go again, I finally heard the music, the music that brings my heart joy, the music that makes me want to sing, the music that makes me want to dance.

As I stood at the stoplight waiting for my turn to cross I started singing loud and dancing a little. First, "Evidence" by Citizen Way. Then, "Shake" by Mercy Me which kept me dancing through my stress last summer. Then a few others. And then this song came on at the end of my walk this evening. (I saw them in concert with Heather a couple months ago and they were AWESOME!) This was a great way to wrap up my evening.

Peace

Good words to start the day.

These were the words that started the day with my students during our morning devotions. They were exactly the words I needed to be reminded of today. 

The devil had been getting in and taking away my hope. I'd been feeling despair over not hearing from him on the phone for several days. I had cried myself to sleep for two nights in a row and woken up in the morning crying still. I was not at peace. 

Friends and coworkers meant well but spoke in platitudes. I had lost hope and was sinking in self-pity, despair, sadness, and self-absorption. I had taken my eyes off of God and the hope and peace.

On Tuesday I had spoken with my pastor about meeting with him after work on Wednesday to talk about a different situation, but because I was so overwhelmed yesterday by these feelings of sadness that we spent most of our time talking about this. He listened patiently. And when I had finished crying and talking, he spoke softly and calmly. He helped me find hope in the situation. He helped me stop focusing on myself and my feelings and focus on my relationship and my boyfriend. His words gave me encouragement and I left determined to be more supportive and loving of him and less needy. 

Wow. The last time my guy and I had prayed together, I had asked God to help me love him more unconditionally, just as he was loving me. I guess the answer to that prayer was an opportunity to practice that. 

 My last words to him yesterday were an apology for being selfish and consumed by my feelings and a promise that I would attempt to be more supportive of him and that I trusted he would contact me when he was able. I still haven't heard from him. But the last words he texted to me were to reassure me of how much he loved me. That is enough for now. And it is enough to know that God is in control, watching over us, and will give us HIS peace.

I have a sweet song based on this verse
that I once sang for my church going through my head.
This is a great earworm today.

Out of Sorts

I think I'm going crazy. Maybe I'm there already. All I know is that I'm not myself. Is it because I, an extrovert, have been alone in my apartment for several days? Is it because I, a normally healthy eater, indulged in sweets and all sorts of crap foods several nights in a row?

Is it all of the above? Quite likely.

I'm feeling lethargic, no energy for my workout, and tired, I just want to crawl into bed and sleep until I wake up some time tomorrow. That's not going to happen, but that's how I feel. Thank goodness Easter break is only a few days away. Not sure I could make it otherwise.

To top off an already less than wonderful day yesterday (my hair stylist forgot my appointment and left early, and my roommate's cat is in heat and driving me crazy), I ate my feelings in the form of most of a large Philly cheesesteak pizza resulting in bloating and gas, dropped the water pitcher on the floor which broke the handle and flooded the kitchen, and had a disagreement with a friend via text messages. I ended the night sitting on the edge of my bed crying great tears of frustration. Not my most stellar moment in life, but not my worst either, so for that I can be grateful.

Today, I ate better, I exercised, and I'm still in a funk. I think I need a hug. I miss human contact. I know I'll be ok on my own, I AM OK on my own,  but still a long bear hug would go a long way to helping restore my sanity. That and a steak dinner, I think.

I think my friend and I made up. I did my part to apologize.

I'm not going to kill the cat. I probably won't kick her either. (Totally kidding, don't call PETA on me!) She'll be through her cycle soon and back to normal,  which is mostly ignoring me.

And a new month starts in two days, so I'll mix up my workout routine again. Maybe that's what I need to feel more motivated.

I'm gonna survive. I'm get through this. But if you see me, will you give me a hug? And if you see me and I'm crying, please make it a long bear hug!

Day 24

That's how many days it's been since we broke up.

That's how many days I've been unable to stop eating sugar.

That's how many days I've been punishing my body with food because he broke my heart.

I didn't realize it until recently, I had been afraid to admit it, but I had fallen in love with him. It happened simply. The early days of infatuation turned into a comfortable friendship, more than friendship, love.

I loved him.

And there are (still) some days where I can't help buy cry because I miss him in my life.

I was driving the other day, a friend was letting me use their car, and burst into tears. I couldn't figure out how to work their Sirius radio. He came to mind. He has Sirius radio in his car, he would know how to change the channel. But I can't call him because he broke up with me. On Super Bowl Sunday. So I bawled as I drove down the road, because I couldn't change the station on the Sirius radio which reminded me of him, so I turned the whole darned thing off.

Just now I started crying again as I lay in bed reading and trying to fall asleep. I've started talking to other guys again. But only half-heartedly. I guess I'm not ready to move on yet.

But why, why, WHY do I keep punishing my body by eating food I don't want to eat, sneaking sweets I know will only make me feel worse? Because they are addicting. Because for so much of my previous life I used food to "comfort" me- it was better to feel a stomach ache from too much food or too many sweets than to feel emotional pain. Because I'm still learning to take care of myself in new ways.

And because a broken heart takes time to heal. Especially when you didn't earlier admit you were in love and it took you three weeks to admit that your heart had been broken.

The Valentine's Day Grinch

I'm not celebrating Valentine's Day this year. That's not really any different from any year before. I've never celebrated Valentine's Day because I've never had someone to be my Valentine.

When asked by the room mom at school about the class Valentine's Party I said I didn't think we would have one. And we're not. It's not falling on a school day this year and it's not a Christian holiday so I didn't see the need to recognize it with a party. I also tried to rationalize it that we had a big week of tests this week and I wanted some normalcy to help the kids stay grounded. We've done some crafts, but we're not doing a party. I dubbed myself the Valentine's Day Grinch for cancelling the holiday for my class.

I kept telling people (and myself) that I've never been a big Valentine's Day person. I think I was starting to believe it, or I was fooling myself into believing that I thought that was true.

But as I sit here on the couch, listening to the Big Bang Theory, while trying to grade papers, and procrastinating by checking out men on Match.com, I realize this non-Valentine's Day attitude isn't really me. The truth is that I was really hoping to have a Valentine this year. And I'm now crying because this is a hard reality to face.

I wanted to celebrate his birthday with him. I wanted to celebrate Valentine's Day with him. Nothing big for either, but just to be with him and spend time together to continue getting to know each other better. I still sent him the personalized birthday present I'd ordered for him. But the Valentine's Day card I got for him and another "just because" present are still sitting out in plain sight. I have to pass them several times every day.

The last two weeks since we broke up have been hard. I still think about him often. I think of funny things and want to share with him. I think of eating pizza on National Pizza day and want to go to his favorite pizza place with him. I miss eating pizza and Thai food with him. I miss telling him funny things the kids at school did. I miss his company. I tried to tell myself that I miss his company but don't want him back. I'm not sure that's really true.

What I do know is true is that I'm still hurting and this Valentine's Day is probably going to be kinda sucky. (So, if you live nearby, can you help keep me distracted on Saturday?)