Exercising Demons

My mood was in the toilet when I got up this morning. I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was ready to cuss someone, anyone, out if they got in my way.

My cat died.
My grandfather is aging and it's hard to see his decline in health. (But so grateful he's still here and I can be with him!)
I haven't been able to exercise the way I want.
I didn't pack the right kind of clothes for outdoor exercise.
I didn't pack the right kind of clothes for anything outside.
I'm stuck indoors. (For an extrovert who likes to be out doing stuff this is SO hard!)
I'm stuck with the same three other people (whom I do love, really!). (see above note- very hard!)
My butt STILL hurts from riding the exercise bike.

I've eaten way too much sugar to stuff the feelings of the things noted above, which has made my body feel awful and only adds to the stress. My joints are inflamed and my muscles are sore.

Desperate times...
or, German determination....
or, just plain stubborn!

I was in a mood, y'all! So when my mother asked if I wanted to ride along to the Post Office and check out hotels for Grandpa's birthday, I had to do some thinking. A change of scenery would be great. But I knew I was in a foul mood and didn't want to take it out on the other people around me. I said I'd go, but had second thoughts while showering. I waffled back and forth until it came time to go and I decided to go.

Glad I went. I got to see that it really wasn't so bad out. And while eating lunch on our way home from the errands, I determined that I would just layer up no matter how awkward it might be. I was going out for a walk!

And walk I did! I thought that if I just did the short loop that I had done on my first walk here last week that I would be doing pretty good. When I got to the open field, I pulled my scarf up over my nose so I wouldn't have to breathe in the frigid air, and continued on. When I got to the turning point to go home, I determined I was able and wanting to do more, so I continued on the path for the full outer loop.

Feeling good as I rounded the last corner before the turn back into the subdivision, I determined to go a little farther on. Instead of just over a mile, like the first day, I did 3.5 miles, y'all! I can't tell you how good I feel. I definitely had to push through some mental battles against the desire to get out of the cold and get warm, and the anxious thoughts about all the other things going on in my life. Just after mile two I got to the point where I was just walking, and man it felt sooooo gooooood!

I'm so glad I exercised past those demons today. I think I can be nice now - to myself and to others.

Hearing the Music Again

About mile 2.75

A walk is a great way to clear my mind. And since it's the last week of school with a jillion things going on, a dating relationship to ponder, and plans for vacation coming up, my mind needed clearing.

Going in, I thought this wouldn't be a great walk, but at least it would be a walk. I had sugary treats yesterday. I had another sugary treat today -despite telling myself I wouldn't. My body was feeling sluggish and achy, but I couldn't resist the lovely weather of this evening, so I threw on my workout gear - hitting the fitness center for a quick upper body and core workout- then hit the pavement for a longish, slowish walk in the evening sunshine.

The weather was lovely, but my mood not so much. I knew I was dawdling, but I told myself that was ok because at least I was moving. At least I was outside enjoying the lovely spring weather.

About mile 3.5

As often happens on my walk, I turn on some of my favorite music and just go. And also as often happens, my mind wanders, sometimes hearing the music and sometimes thinking about life. And sometimes thinking about how much I don't want to be walking because I don't feel like it.

Around mile 2.75, of 4.5, I finally got past the I don't feel like it feeling. Around mile 3.5 my mind began to wander. And around mile 4.25 I actually heard the music and started singing along. I finally felt like I was into my walk and it was less work and more enjoyment.

About mile 4.25

As I enjoyed it more, I thought about important life stuff, such as how grateful I was to myself for finally letting go of fear and stopping holding on so tightly. And I thought about how the initial infatuation has passed, but I still want to love him (not just the feeling, but the action). And I missed him. I almost cried a little; tears of some sadness, not tears of fear and despair that I had been experiencing. But I didn't cry; I breathed in and I breathed out and I let the feeling come and go. And as I let it go again, I finally heard the music, the music that brings my heart joy, the music that makes me want to sing, the music that makes me want to dance.

As I stood at the stoplight waiting for my turn to cross I started singing loud and dancing a little. First, "Evidence" by Citizen Way. Then, "Shake" by Mercy Me which kept me dancing through my stress last summer. Then a few others. And then this song came on at the end of my walk this evening. (I saw them in concert with Heather a couple months ago and they were AWESOME!) This was a great way to wrap up my evening.