Before You Judge Me

Before you judge me, I just ask that you remember this - no one can be harder on me than I've been on myself. I'm really good at beating myself up and shaming myself for messing up.

Before you judge me, I just ask that you remember this, I did something incredibly hard and scary with no one else to lean on.

Before you judge me, I just ask that you show me some compassion for the things I have dealt with.

Before you judge me, I just ask that you put yourself in my shoes.

Before you judge me, remember to love me.

Before you judge me, remember that I am forgiven.

Before you judge me, remember that I am you.

Good forgives me and I do too.

Love & Sleep

My three words for 2018 are "love, serve, grow." Instead of a resolution, I'm living by these words this year. I will say yes to things and people that help me love, serve, and grow.

This morning, it really struck me how I have not been loving myself well in the area of sleep. I have been completely and utterly exhausted. In turn, my body feels achy all the time and I don't have the mental strength or desire to say no to cravings and make good food choices. I even wokeup this morning feeling like I couldn't "people." (And y'all know that's no good for an extrovert!)

This has got to stop!

I need to love myself better and protect my sleep time. I need to silence and put down my phone an hour before bed. I need to get on my jammies, meditate on God's Word and pray, and have some quiet time for me. I say these things to myself with a loving voice.

I know this, but I don't always remember this. So this morning I made myself a visual reminder that I can use as a phone wallpaper. (Or am I the only one slightly addicted to my technology?!?) If you want this reminder, too, hop on over to my Facebook page and grab my free wallpaper foryourself!

Welcome & Rest

Exhausted.
Overwhelmed.
Frazzled.
Restless.

My mind won't stop. Even during yoga.

I've been too busy and I just need to slow down and rest. But I don't know when that will happen. I was even reading a 4-day email devotion series about slowing down to rest, just last week. It resonated with me. And yet this week I've felt non-stop. This week has rushed by, yet Monday seems so long ago.

I just want life to slow down. I want to have nothing to do today so I can rest. I need rest. Yet in an hour I'm off to my part-time summer job. Then I said I would stop by a friend's house. Then I want to go dancing tonight so I can see people I know instead of sit home alone (and learn the next part of the choreography for the flash mob). And I need to work on preparing for my in-person class I'm teaching in the morning. And I need to prepare materials for online class I'm going to teach soon. And. And... the list goes on.

But I just want to stop.

Isn't this why God created the Sabbath? He knew we needed to slow down and rest. And yet I haven't had a true Sabbath in ages.

I found myself yesterday wishing for the start of the school year to get here so life would slow down (crazy, I know)!

But this is life. It doesn't slow down, at least not permanently. It keeps going. We all have to learn how to manage our stress in healthy ways. So today I've got my "Stress Away" essential oil blend on and I'm going to give myself lots of grace and love. (And perhaps a nap after work.) And tomorrow, after class, I'm going to give myself a Sabbath. Total permission to care for myself. Some napping, some yoga, some reading, some healthy cooking, and some exercise.

This place today feels hard, but I won't be here forever. And I am loved. I am loved by my Creator; He calls me His beloved daughter. I call him Father. And Friend. Healer. He is my safe place to go when life is overwhelming. Friends, do you know that you can go to Him too? His arms are open wide waiting for you, no matter where you've been or what you've done. You are always welcome in His arms.

And this is a safe space, too. In the Urban Hiker Girl world, in my life, we are authentic, open, graceful. You are welcome here. You are loved, just as you are. May you feel the love of our Father pouring over you and filling up the empty, hurting places inside. May you feel His healing touch in your life. May you remember that you are ALWAYS His beloved child. NO MATTER WHAT.

God Speaks

I thought that not getting the job in Denver was a great disappointment. For several days I dragged myself around feeling very sad and disappointed. I was probably not much fun to be with because on top of that, my family, who I had hoped was coming to visit my birthday week, had a change of plans so I wasn't going to get to see them, either. I was just sad and blue for several days. Even when interviewing with another school about a teaching position closer to my brother's family. I just couldn't get excited about it.

A few days have passed and I'm not so sad anymore.

There's that relationship being revived again. And I'm starting to hope again. I keep seeing reminders to hope in what could be. Today, I had a reminder that maybe my disappointment at not getting the job in Denver could be leading me to other blessings. Perhaps the blessing of a renewed relationship with someone I was deeply in love with and want to love again. (A line from "Pride and Prejudice" keeps running through my mind. Jane Bennett says something like, "I'm very much in danger of falling in love with him as much as I was before (or something like that).)

From the devotion at Proverbs 31:
http://proverbs31.org/devotions/devo/when-your-circumstances-feel-like-chains/

Are you feeling chained back from your dreams? I encourage you to read this devotion from Proverbs 31 Ministries.

I Choose Me

Today, I choose me.
I choose to honor, love, and nourish my body.
I choose me over sweets that don't satisfy, but leave me feeling regret, achy, and irritated.
I choose to love myself by letting go of relationships that aren't healthy.
I choose to nourish my soul with God's Word for me, not the world's.
I choose to nourish my body with sleep and good food.
I choose to strengthen my body by engaging in physical activity.
I choose me.

My Gift

Yesterday we buried my grandpa. I didn't cry much during the committal service or during the memorial service. Because I was crawling into bed last night as when the tears started to come and my mind was Restless.
I gave so much of myself yesterday caring for those around me and giving tissues to my cousins and my uncles, hugs to those who needed them, searching tea or water for grandma or anyone else who needed it.
At the end of the day I realized I hadn't given myself much time to grieve. And in my head came this voice. The voice of my former therapist Bil, saying what a gift that I have given to my family. So instead of beating myself for not feeling my feelings and having my own time to grieve, I gave of myself to serve my family because I love them and that is part of my grieving.

No Cookies Needed

It had barely just started again and now it's over.

First, it was bad timing a year ago. Now, it's the distance. I love him and he loves me, but there's apparently just too many obstacles in our way.

No cookies needed

I'm tempted to go back to my old habits of finding comfort in food. I want chocolate! Or do I? My stomach is finally flat (or flatter than it has been in weeks while bloated). I'm feeling comfortable in my own skin - even naked. I feel slim and strong. Do I really want to go back to my old habits of finding comfort in food? NO! So I  need to find a substitute.

Exercise. Thank goodness it was also workout Monday with my trainer. I moved from sad that he called it off, to pissed off that he wasn't wiling to pursue me. I'm worth it. I'm a darned good catch. I'm freaking awesome! Darn him for not wanting it enough. Not wanting me enough.

So I took action.
I removed the electronic copies of the poems we'd written to each other.
I deleted our text chain and our messenger chat.
I deleted him from my contacts.
Swiftly. Like ripping off a bandaid.

I'm usually loyal to a fault, to a point where I hurt myself, but this time I don't want to do that. I've done enough of that in the past and this time I'm flipping the switch. Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.

But I don't feel shame, because I wanted it too. I initiated it, but he responded. But given his reason for not being able to pursue a relationship, perhaps he shouldn't have responded in the first place. But at least I've learned a lesson - don't hold on to the hurt.

I haven't cried since Monday afternoon.  I got a little sad on Thursday night during my Financial Peace class because it reminded me of a recent conversation with him. But I kept my chin up and reminded myself this wasn't about him, this was about me. I'd been feeling pumped about this class and I wasn't going to let him steal my joy.

This is about me feeling good about myself. And yah, I don't need sugary sweets to do that. I'm taking care of me and that feels great! I'm finding comfort in taking care of myself, support and love from my friends, and some inspirational words on the internet. I'm keeping myself open to love.

 

Ready

Last week I was frustrated with men. I thought it was perhaps because of my sugar-bingeing, but this week I've been off of processed sugar (and going for natural sugar found in foods), yet this discontent with men and dating remains. So it's not just the sugar talking, this is something really on my heart.

This morning I woke up feeling tired and dreading the days ahead. I have some fun stuff going on this week, but when I woke up this morning all I could think about was how tired I would be after doing all these fun things and wondering if I could skip some, but also not wanting to miss out on time with friends. Folks, I'm tired. I'm worn out.

It's not just physical exhaustion. It's emotional. There seems to be dating drama everywhere I go. Rumors still circulating about whether I'm dating this guy or that guy. (What a problem to have, I know, right?) This is new to me. Never have I been that girl before. Never. It's wearing on me.

I just want to go and have fun at volleyball or dancing or a concert. But when I go someone always asks if I'm dating such and such a guy.

Just to make sure we're all clear here: I'M NOT DATING ANYONE. I'M SINGLE. cue Beyonce... all the single ladies, all the single ladies put your hands up!

No one's put a ring on it, folks. I'm single. Not in a relationship. Not seeing anyone. Just hanging out and having fun... well, I was, now I'm not sure of that either. And so I woke up this morning dreading it all and wanting to crawl back under the covers.

(And just for the record, most of the guys have told me they aren't dating/won't date me. I have told only one I won't date him because he's not my type.)

This is the text conversation that ensued:

Me: Ever since you mentioned not going to volleyball last night, to have a quiet night tonight, that idea has been rattling around in my mind to maybe do the same. In fact, I wisih I could take the day off from work and have a whole day and night of quiet. But I can't do that, so maybe just a quiet night tonight or tomorrow.

Me: Ok, so that was first waking up. Now, after showering and dressing I have more thoughts. 

Me: I'm tired. Tired of being alone. Of being my own strength and support all the time. i want someone to mutually support and be supported by. I want to be held. I want to hold tightly.Me: I'm tired of being surrounded by people but still feeling alone. I want to be with someone who understands my heart. To be with people who truly see me. 

Me: Maybe this is why I feel like my dating life sucks. Because men see my outward appear but they don't see my heart. They lust after me but they don't really know me.

Friend (who finally has woken up): If you want to be held you need to have children. 

Friend: Social programming does not influence people in that direction of truly knowing someone. It's all about the physical, the visual. 

Friend: Lots in the current battle between the few and the marketing giants of the world. 

Friend: You live in one of the most screwed up social settings in the country. 

Friend: Probably the worst habitat for developing or fostering any kind of healthy relationship at any age. 

Friend: If you want to be held, if you want to hold someone so you can experience genuine love and affection that's undying, the best odds at that are to have three children, your own children. 

Me: Ah, I understand what you are saying. 

Me: I do want kids, but not on my own. Parenting is tough. You need a teammate. And kids need a mom and a dad. 

Me: Someone at work just asked how I was doing and I started crying. I'm emotionally tired.

That's the realization I had today. I'm emotionally tired.

I shared a picture of a swimming pool with a little sludge left in the bottom and debris floating, captioned "dating pool in your 30s". That's kind of how I'm feeling at the moment... dating is murky waters. Exhausting and murky.

I have a lot of love to give. I have a great big heart. I desire to share love with others. And to find someone worthy of that love who returns it. But lately I seem to keep finding men who are not worthy of that love. Or men who aren't able to give love. Why  do I keep falling for emotionally unavailable men? It's a question I keep asking myself over and over again.

I'm ready. Now where are all the good men? The ones who are looking for a relationship, emotionally available, able to give and receive love, true followers of Christ? I'm ready to love.

Worthy

Have you ever felt so alone in your hurt? Have you ever cried so hard that you drop to your knees on the floor of the bathroom while your heart is hurting? Have you ever then with someone you know you shouldn't be with and yet you did it anyway?

Why do we do things that we know will cause us pain and grief? Why do we set ourselves limits and boundaries and yet cross them anyway? Why do we do these things when we know we will only get hurt?

I've done something foolish. Something I knew I didn't want to do. I told myself for weeks that I should stay away from this person. This weekend, I let this person back into my life even though I knew they would only hurt me. I confessed to a friend what I had done and while it brought me some relief because of her loving support, she shared with me something about the person involved that has caused me more hurt yet at the same time strengthened my resolve for the need to keep that person from being too involved in my life.

So here I am crying on the bathroom floor and hurting from a self inflicted wound because I let a person in my life that I shouldn't have. And now I need a plan. A plan to protect myself from the toxicity of this person and the potential for them to hurt me again.

My resolve is strengthened. I will make a plan to keep them at a safe distance. To keep myself at a safe distance. To protect my heart from hurt. Because I am worthy of good things. I am worthy of good friends. I am worthy of having loving people in my life. I am worthy of love. And this person does not love or care for me.

Hope

Why do we open ourselves up to love after repeatedly getting hurt?

Why do we keep trying, even after we make fools of ourselves over the wrong person?

Hope.

We hope it will be different the next time.
We hope the next person will be different. We hope.
We don't give up; we keep hoping for a better future.

Something, someone gives us a glimmer of hope.

A smile. 

A song.
A meme on facebook.
A word from a friend.

No matter how much the last time hurt, we eventually try again. So, while I tell my girl friends that I'm swearing off men, I don't mean permanently. Just taking a break to give myself time to heal from hurt and reflect on what I learned from this experience.

This time around just reinforced something I previously learned. Unfortunately, I had to relearn, reinforce it, the hard, painful way. I have a big, loving heart that keeps hoping.

I'm not going to give up on love. It is still worth hoping for.

Holding Space

I recently started playing volleyball with a group of individuals very different and similar to me. We have different faith backgrounds, but are still people of faith. We are all single, but for different reasons. Some have kids, some don't. 

One person from my new circle of friends is....well, there is no one word or even a few words that can sum him up. I'm learning every day that he is more than a bass-playing beach bum. He has a deep soul, and a compassionate and loving heart with great capacity to hold things. He has an easy smile and you can tell he's still a bit of a kid at heart - just wants to love and be loved, and have fun living life. I enjoy being with him and feel content to just be still or to have fun and goof around or have a serious, deep conversation. Every experience with him touches me and changes me, for the better. 

He amazed me again, and reminded me that he is more than just a California boy who loves burritos after volleyball, when he posted something heart-felt on Facebook recently. With his permission (and links to sources he borrowed from), I am sharing it here. I love the idea of "holding space" for others, with compassion and without judgment. Thank you, Matty Boles, for allowing me to share your words here.

“Holding Space”
Where much is given, much is required. These words hold more power and value than I ever imagined. 
As human beings we are born into this world with an innate capacity for giving and receiving love and joy. Over time this gift and capacity becomes exposed to the direct and indirect sorrows and pains of the world which diminishes this pure light. 
Some of us become painfully aware of this deficit in those around us at too early an age. Some fall victim to it and are consumed by it perpetuating the storm. Some are able to find a way to grasp onto and hold tight to a hope in midst of this storm of life. 
As we make our way through this journey we can develop and increase our capacities to give, to love, on so many levels and in so many ways. The opportunities are right before us in nearly each and every moment of our lives.  
In “The Longing Child” years, circumstances and conditions left deficits of love, acceptance, and belonging. Through these came an increased sensitivity to all those around me, feeling for them and through them, learning more about myself through them, and growing to understand, accept, and genuinely loving them without condition. 
These attributes and abilities would grow with me through each stage of life. Along the way creating new and often lasting friendships with many, even some of the least expected. And on into parenthood.  
In the early parenting years with the gift of children comes a brilliant awareness and understanding of Love, and the infinite dynamics of loving. A seemingly immeasurable desire and want for the best of everything for those souls entrusted to us and placed thoughtfully in our care. With this come the grand challenge of finding and creating a healthy balance in the application of time energy and space with our children, allowing or “Holding Space” for them to grow.
In some cases that space goes from a few feet to hundreds sometimes thousands of miles. A measurable physical distance to the mind, and to the heart, an incomprehensible expanse. For this Father, a constant intellectual and emotional conundrum, contemplating and ever searching for the solution…an answer. 
This morning someone shared a thought, a unique soul now in my path along my journey that only found their way in through the concerted and loving effort of another soul who in “Holding Space” in each of our regards for years allowed for timing to do its part. A brilliant article on trust, respect, empowerment and love for others and self. An answer beautifully articulated in the right way at what feels exactly the right time. The answer easing the mind, and bringing needed peace to heart and soul. 
“Holding Space” A willingness to walk alongside another person in whatever journey they’re on without judging them, making them feel inadequate, trying to fix them, or trying to impact the outcome. When we hold space for other people, we open our hearts, offer unconditional support, and let go of judgment and control.To truly support people in their own growth, transformation, grief, etc., we can’t do it by taking their power away (ie. trying to fix their problems), shaming them (ie. implying that they should know more than they do), or overwhelming them (ie. giving them more information than they’re ready for). We have to be prepared to step to the side so that they can make their own choices, offer them unconditional love and support, give gentle guidance when it’s needed, and make them feel safe even when they make mistakes. - http://heatherplett.com/2015/03/hold-space/
If we don’t care for ourselves well in this work, we’ll suffer burnout. We are not perfect, and sometimes we still make selfish decisions, but we are doing our best. No matter who or where you are, you can do the beautiful and important work of holding space for ourselves, and other people. - http://heatherplett.com/2015/03/how-to-hold-space-for-yourself-first/

The Tiger and The Dove

This is a post I wrote a few months ago but wasn't ready to publish. It's now time to share.

I was in love. The relationship ended. My heart ached for a long while because it was the first time I experienced real, unconditional love from a man; something I've longed for my whole life. And just as quickly as it came into my life, it was gone again. And there was little explanation as to why or what had happened. Sometimes I still wonder where my tiger went.

Dear Tiger,

I wish I knew what happened to make your love change. Three weeks ago you loved me and I was your dove. Now there's only silence.

You loved me from the start. It took me a little longer. I believed in your love. I believed in you. Now you're gone.

I wish I knew why. I wish I could go back and undo what I did wrong. I wish I could show you how I've changed, that I've learned from my mistakes.

But you're gone. You've disappeared like a ghost.

Now I'm left with the memory of your love, your smile, your gentle touch, shared prayers, your gentle and tender heart, your compassion and generosity, and our time together to make me smile. I'm left with distance, no reply, lack of communication, and wondering what happened which makes my heart ache and tears fall.

It seems you've left me so I'm letting you go. Good bye, my Tiger.

But I believe in second chances. I believe in a God who forgives and gives me second, third, fourth, multiple chances every time I fall and fail; He helps me back up. I believe in Love. God is love. I believe in forgiveness, learning from past mistakes, and moving on.

If you come to a place where you want a second chance...

Love,

Your Dove

Firework
You came shooting into my life
Things changed fast
You made things happen. A whirlwind. An explosion.
Our heads were spinning and hearts pumping.

Life stepped in to slow us down .
We got scared. We'd moved so fast.

We drifted apart
to nothing.
No words anymore.
Empty space. Silence. Longing. Heartache.

Good bye, my Tiger
Your Dove is wounded.

Hearing the Music Again

About mile 2.75

A walk is a great way to clear my mind. And since it's the last week of school with a jillion things going on, a dating relationship to ponder, and plans for vacation coming up, my mind needed clearing.

Going in, I thought this wouldn't be a great walk, but at least it would be a walk. I had sugary treats yesterday. I had another sugary treat today -despite telling myself I wouldn't. My body was feeling sluggish and achy, but I couldn't resist the lovely weather of this evening, so I threw on my workout gear - hitting the fitness center for a quick upper body and core workout- then hit the pavement for a longish, slowish walk in the evening sunshine.

The weather was lovely, but my mood not so much. I knew I was dawdling, but I told myself that was ok because at least I was moving. At least I was outside enjoying the lovely spring weather.

About mile 3.5

As often happens on my walk, I turn on some of my favorite music and just go. And also as often happens, my mind wanders, sometimes hearing the music and sometimes thinking about life. And sometimes thinking about how much I don't want to be walking because I don't feel like it.

Around mile 2.75, of 4.5, I finally got past the I don't feel like it feeling. Around mile 3.5 my mind began to wander. And around mile 4.25 I actually heard the music and started singing along. I finally felt like I was into my walk and it was less work and more enjoyment.

About mile 4.25

As I enjoyed it more, I thought about important life stuff, such as how grateful I was to myself for finally letting go of fear and stopping holding on so tightly. And I thought about how the initial infatuation has passed, but I still want to love him (not just the feeling, but the action). And I missed him. I almost cried a little; tears of some sadness, not tears of fear and despair that I had been experiencing. But I didn't cry; I breathed in and I breathed out and I let the feeling come and go. And as I let it go again, I finally heard the music, the music that brings my heart joy, the music that makes me want to sing, the music that makes me want to dance.

As I stood at the stoplight waiting for my turn to cross I started singing loud and dancing a little. First, "Evidence" by Citizen Way. Then, "Shake" by Mercy Me which kept me dancing through my stress last summer. Then a few others. And then this song came on at the end of my walk this evening. (I saw them in concert with Heather a couple months ago and they were AWESOME!) This was a great way to wrap up my evening.

Love Is

When I think about love, or when I think about being "in love", and how the feeling has faded and wondered if I still love the person, the line from DC Talk's song comes to mind: love is a verb. Take a listen here if you haven't heard it before, or if you haven't heard it for a while:



Love is more than a feeling. Sure, that "in love" feeling is nice, but it doesn't last. So when the feeling fades, is love gone? In our thinking brains, we know that the answer is no, but in our feeling, emotional brains, we might question our love or the other person's love.

I am a person who is very in-tune with their emotions. That gift has its ups and downs. It helps me be a compassionate, loving person. I feel things deeply. And because I feel things deeply, I love deeply and sometimes easily and I get my heart broken deeply, painfully, too.

So, the questions going through my mind the last few weeks is: do I still love him, does he still love me? We no longer have the "in love" feelings, the need to always be together (or in our case of long-distance relationship, always be texting/calling each other about everything). Life has taken a big shift as he had some big issues come up at work. We haven't been able to connect the last couple weeks as we did the first many weeks of our relationship (month and a half). Does that mean we are no longer in love?

In my logical, thinking brain I know the answer is no, we haven't stopped loving each other; or at least I haven't stopped loving him. In my emotional brain, and remember I'm an emotional person - very strongly E on the Myers-Briggs personality test, sometimes my irrational feelings get the better of me and I let doubts creep in. And I think this is the devil preying on me, using my gift as also my weakness to attack me.

Again, I have to go back to the reminder that love is not a feeling, love is a verb.

I saw a post on Facebook several weeks ago. It was something like a conversation between a parent and their daughter. Every time the daughter would come home deeply in love with/have a crush on a boy at school, the parent would ask: Can you put their name in place of the word love in 1 Corinthians 13? If the answer is no, then it's not really love.

I tried this with his name after I read the post. His name fit. Boy, but on the other hand, lately my name does not. I haven't trusted or hoped very well. I'm praying about this, as well as seeking support from godly women, and spending time in prayer and God's Word.

Love is a journey. God is growing me. It's not easy, and sometimes it's painful, but the refiner's fire will make me stronger. 

Patience

Patience: It may be a virtue, but it certainly isn't feeling like one of my strengths lately.

He was supposed to come visit the weekend of May 8th, but due to a business emergency he had to make a trip out of town. The trip was postponed to the following weekend, but the business crisis continued and kept him away. Same story the following weekend. I kept hoping that his birthday weekend, Memorial weekend, would finally be the weekend he would be able to visit. But no, still no visit.

Lord, I'm trying to be patient, but this is really hard. When will we finally be together again?

I'm still waiting. The hardest part of this is that the work situation has also kept him working long days and weekends, so we hardly talk. The few messages I have assure me of his love and that he misses me.

At first I was in despair (see previous post: Stormy Week). Then I started to find hope as I fixed my eyes on Christ and serving, supporting, and loving him through this. I found strength in talking to girlfriends who helped distract me from my situation and godly women advising me, and even a few visits with my pastor (see previous posts: Peace and Fear Not!).

Still, doubt slips in on occasion. The world has a different view of relationship and love. To the world love is a feeling, so if the feelings aren't strong then there must not be love and it's time to move on. But God tells me that love is more than that. Love is patient (1 Corinthians 13:4)

Fear tells me to let go of him, he's not communicating much. It says "he loves you, but does he really mean it if he's too busy to let you know he's ok or he misses you"?

Patience says to trust that God has a plan and that God is working in this situation to bring me closer to Him. Patience says that God is using this to strengthen me and change me.

Patience.... is tough. But I'd rather be a fool for holding on even if it turns out that it's over than be a fool for letting go and missing out on something great, because you never know, I might be surprised. It might just turn out that patience brings me my heart's desire. So I'm going to keep hoping, no trusting, that when he says he loves me he absolutely means it. And I'm going to keep hoping that he's so deep into his work waffle, that what he  needs most is space and support, and when he comes out of his work waffle he'll be ready to re-engage with me (see "Men are Like Waffles, Women are Like Spaghetti"). And, I'm going to keep blogging to help me process, because that's was spaghetti women do- we connect with others!

Visions and Dreams

I spent all last week waiting to hear from him. I released my white-knuckle grasp and gave things over to God. It wasn't easy, I kept trying to take it back, but I at least loosened my grasp.

On Monday, I had visions of him coming back to me with my arms wide open and tears spilling down my cheeks. After a email message from my grandma, who had previously encouraged me to give him space, I sent him a tender loving message as she was now advising. I apologized for being needy and clingy earlier last week and for adding to his stress burden. He apologized for pushing me away and said work and stress compounded by my anxiety had caused him to freak out. And just as I had envisioned, I had tears streaming down my face. I felt tears of joy that we had come back together.

He is back in my arms (figuratively).... sort of. He's still at a distance. Still working on saving his business and dealing with client issues.

Monday night, I had a dream of myself holding a very fragile bubble. I have been given a gift of him communicating with me again on Monday and assuring me of his love. Now, how do I proceed with this relationship? I feel afraid that it is in a fragile state right now. How do I proceed with my life, with loving him and supporting him when things feel fragile right now?

On Monday night, this is how I imagined my relationship status - I am holding a fragile bubble. See Rule #1.

I know, in my head, that things aren't always going to be happy. We aren't always going to feel the euphoric high and intense feelings we felt the first weeks after meeting. (Today, I read a great article shared by eHarmony, the dating website where we met, that was all about happiness in relationships. It had some great thoughts on this topic of happiness in relationships. Read it here.) So, I ask myself and some godly women I know: how do I love and support him when I am feeling a distance between us? When the happy high is gone and we are in the midst of real-life tough stuff - how do I love him and support him?

I want to ask him these things, and I will ask him. But how do I ask him, when it's hard to get a response?

“Communication to a relationship is like Oxygen to life. Without it … it dies.”  

– Tony Gaskins

(From the great eHarmony series of articles on relationships. Read it here.) I fear that without a visit soon, without physical contact, that this distance will continue to grow between us. I'm a fan of the "Five Love Languages" stuff by Gary Chapman (learn more here). My strongest love languages are physical touch and quality time. A long-distance relationship makes doing both of those hard. So how do we keep love alive when my strongest love languages are hardest to do? Gary Chapman has some ideas, but how do I use those, when the expressions of love should come from him to me, not from me to me?

"I am frequently asked how to apply the 5 love languages in long-distance relationships. Physical touch and quality time are particularly challenging in these instances. The simple answer is this: you must be creative and committed to staying connected despite the distance." (Read more here.)

I don't have the answers... yet. I'm going to keep praying on these things and seeking godly counsel to see what I can learn about myself, relationships, and this relationship.

Update: Last night, I had another vision as I slept. My prayer to God,  before falling into an exhausted but peaceful sleep, was that He would show me what I need to do.

Bubbles aren't meant to be held, they are made to float and fly. I love him and value our relationship too much to hold on, I need to let it be free. I need to give him space to soar. And I need to give myself the freedom to love freely and live my life without fear. 

Day 24

That's how many days it's been since we broke up.

That's how many days I've been unable to stop eating sugar.

That's how many days I've been punishing my body with food because he broke my heart.

I didn't realize it until recently, I had been afraid to admit it, but I had fallen in love with him. It happened simply. The early days of infatuation turned into a comfortable friendship, more than friendship, love.

I loved him.

And there are (still) some days where I can't help buy cry because I miss him in my life.

I was driving the other day, a friend was letting me use their car, and burst into tears. I couldn't figure out how to work their Sirius radio. He came to mind. He has Sirius radio in his car, he would know how to change the channel. But I can't call him because he broke up with me. On Super Bowl Sunday. So I bawled as I drove down the road, because I couldn't change the station on the Sirius radio which reminded me of him, so I turned the whole darned thing off.

Just now I started crying again as I lay in bed reading and trying to fall asleep. I've started talking to other guys again. But only half-heartedly. I guess I'm not ready to move on yet.

But why, why, WHY do I keep punishing my body by eating food I don't want to eat, sneaking sweets I know will only make me feel worse? Because they are addicting. Because for so much of my previous life I used food to "comfort" me- it was better to feel a stomach ache from too much food or too many sweets than to feel emotional pain. Because I'm still learning to take care of myself in new ways.

And because a broken heart takes time to heal. Especially when you didn't earlier admit you were in love and it took you three weeks to admit that your heart had been broken.

Words

Your words matter- what you tell yourself, what you say to others. Let your words bring life.



My mother shared some healing words with me this evening. She was just thinking of the conversation I'd had with her the night before and had a suggestion for me on how to approach the person who'd said the hurtful words the day before.

I'd just arrived in the fitness center at the apartment complex and was getting ready to start my workout when she called. It was a time of day she doesn't usually call, so I figured it was important. It was. Her words brought tears to my eyes; tears of gratitude for her loving support and Godly wisdom. I have an amazing mother.

She suggested that I approach the person with some Biblical wisdom. God loves me because He made me. He loves me because of who I am- I am His. I am His beloved child, a daughter of the King. No matter what I look like, my Heavenly Father will always love me because of who I am (and Whose I am). I need this person's love to reflect the kind of love God has for me- a love that looks past my physical appearance and sees me for who I am.

I thanked my mother for sharing these wise words and told her I loved her. These words kept tears close to the surface as I completed my workout as they kept ruminating in my mind. (In fact, a couple times I had to stop and take some deep breaths to keep the tears from pouring out. I'd let them fall later, in private, I told myself.)

I'm not sure I'm ready yet to approach the person who hurt me with their words, but I'm grateful for my mother's Godly wisdom and timely advice. I am blessed.

I Think I'm in Love

our walk last weekend

I think I'm in love- with Utah. How could you not love it here surrounded by all this natural beauty? Granted, the food/restaurant choices leave something to be desired and make me miss Seattle, but oh the beauty of this place!
And I'm in love with the new me. I'm so proud of how hard I've worked and happy about how I feel and

the view from school in the morning

look. How I feel now is an amazing, drastic difference to how I felt a year ago. I love being me and am absolutely comfortable in my own skin. (Except the day after I eat almost an entire pizza with my roommates help, then I'm not so comfy, but pizza aside, I'm happy being me.)
My roommate and I go hiking every weekend, sometimes twice in a weekend. Last weekend's "hike" didn't quite turn out as hoped, but our walk around the park allowed us some good time to chat with and get to know another coworker of ours.
I love being more active and having more energy. I've been able to jog even. THAT I don't love, and I may never love it, but I do LOVE that I'm able to do it. It's wonderful how my body can move.

First Day of First Grade 2014

Second Day of School 2014

Here We Go Again

Time to be honest with myself. I don't like the way I've been eating the last two weeks. I made excuses that it was hard to eat at home because of the clutter from unpacking and that it was easier to eat out. But really, hamburgers, ice cream, and french fries with every meal are not a good choice (even if they're from Chik-fil-A?).
I told myself it would be ok- I was burning extra calories from the manual labor of moving boxes and unpacking. ...and then I stepped on the scale last weekend to discover that I had undone most of the good I had done at my last weigh in (losing over three pounds). I'm up a pound and a half. Argh.
I started making small changes, better choices in my eating this week on some occasions. I started back on my walking (treadmill or elliptical machine) a few times. One time when we (my roommate and I) were out running errands I asked to find somewhere healthy; we found a grocery store where I got a fresh Cobb salad (yum- hard boiled eggs and bacon!). And yesterday, instead of suggesting we go grab lunch, I made a salad instead (50/50 spring mix, goat cheese, pecans, some fresh cherries (sliced), and balsamic vinaigrette).
Despite making these small, better changes I'm still up that pound and a half; the scale hasn't moved down again this week. I think it's the ice cream, hamburger with onion rings, etc. that I also ate this week. It's no wonder I woke up with a stomach ache this morning and negative self-thoughts going through my head.
So, I just listened.
I listened for a moment to the negative self-thoughts (I'm getting so fat. I can't believe I'm doing this. etc.) and then I stopped. Why am I thinking this way, I asked myself. It's the food, I realized. Not only does it make me feel bloated and upset my stomach, it's also somehow connected to my thinking. I've been eating some not good for me food, so I'm feeling not good and thinking not good. And in that moment -  not the times I've stepped on the scale this week to check my weight, not the times I ordered the crappy food knowing it wasn't good for me, not the times I woke up with stomach aches, not the times I complained to myself about the breakouts on my chin caused by eating crappy food - in the moment I stopped to listen to my body, to really listen, I heard the answer.
I need to stop what I'm doing and make a change because it's affecting the way I feel physically and the way I think about myself. I like myself. I love myself. I love my new body and how amazing it is that my body has carried me to this point in my life. I love that my body is continually changing. I love that my body allows me to pick up heavy boxes, run (ok, slowly jog) on the treadmill, do lunges and squats (even though I hate doing them), and I love my body because it's beautiful.
So here's to me and to another chance today to listen to myself and take care of my beautiful, wonderful body and all that it allows me to do.