Exhale

Plumb - Exhale

Driving home last night from a night of dancing and I was getting teary. It's been a very emotional few days for me and mostly it's just hormones causing me to cry. My night of dancing had started off shaky with a creeper (who I think was intoxicated) at the dance lesson being inappropriate. The instructor stepped in and the night improved, but on the way home tears started to flow. I had the radio on, as I usually do, and this time it was on Air1. As I pulled into a parking space at my apartment I heard these words. They froze me in the car until the song was over.

It's ok to not be ok

This is a safe place

This is a safe place

Don't be afraid

Don't be ashamed

There's still hope

There's still hope

No matter what you've done or who you are

Everyone is welcome in His arms

Just let go, let His love wrap around you

And hold you close

Get lost in the surrender

Breathe it in until your heart breaks

Then exhale

Exhale

I had to find out who this was and get the song. I immediately searched Air1's website and found out the song and artist. The words impacted my heart greatly. I was so moved that I had to buy the track (actually, I got the whole album right there on my Smartphone from Google Play) because I knew I would want to listen again and again in the days to come.

If you've been following my blog, then you know my heart's been a little broken lately and I'm working on mending it with God's help. This song reminded me of the work I've been doing in Bible Study the last two weeks (see previous post) and with a Christian counselor over the years.

I'm a recovering perfectionist. It's been a long journey to realize that I don't have to be perfect. Yes, there's times I still strive for it. And no, it's not saying that I don't always try to do my best in all things. But I'm learning that when I do my best, it doesn't have to be perfect to be good enough for God. And in the places where I'm still broken, He's healing me and making me whole. HE is making me perfect in His eyes; His beautiful, beloved daughter. 

If you feel broken in areas of your life, I invite you to listen to this song and be reminded that God will wrap you up in His grace and love. Let Him heal you. (And if you want more, check out the Proverbs 31 Ministries Bible Study: The Mended Heart on their website.)

Breathe, close your eyes, and listen. Let the words sink in. Then listen again and let them sink deeper.

Oh God, We breathe in Your grace
We breathe in Your grace
And exhale
Oh God, we do not exist for us
But to share Your grace and love
And exhale

If you are hurting, I pray that God would bring you to a place of healing. Whether that's through this song, through checking out the "Mended Heart" Bible Study, through a Christian counselor, godly friends, or simply by His Spirit, may you receive that healing that your heart craves from Him.

Lord, I Need Your Help

Back in mid-May when my last relationship was faltering and falling apart, I spent a lot of time drawing closer to God. In the midst of my struggles I wrote the following letter as a prayer.

I want to share it with you because it's part of my journey as the Urban Hiker Girl - my emotional and spiritual journey - and I want to be authentic with you my followers and readers. I have edited it just a bit for privacy of the person it's about and for clarity. My hope is that if you are struggling in a relationship, whether dating or otherwise, that this will encourage you to also draw closer to Your Creator who knows your heart and loves you dearly and tenderly. He will be your strength and meet all your needs. Trust in Him.

Your life is a story being written by God.
An excerpt from the book "The Mended Heart" by Suzanne Eller.

Dear Lord,

I feel my hope faltering. My eyes are getting focused on my fears that I am alone and the relationship is ending. I'm not focused on You or on supporting him.

Lord, I want him in my life. Things don't make sense without him. Help me be supporting, not smothering. Encouraging, not needy. Help me give him the space he needs to focus on work. Help me have faith and trust him when he says he loves me, that he will come back to me when he can.

I'm so tired of feeling weak and lonely. Help me be strong for myself. Help me be strong for him. Lord, be my strength. Give me peace.

Help me find the inner strength that I know I have, to be a strong woman on my own. I know I don't need him, I only need You. But I want him in my life.

Within a week of meeting him I knew I wanted to marry him. I believe you ignited that desire; it had not been on my mind. You gave me that desire, you will fulfill that. Help me be the woman you want me to be, the woman he needs me to be.

And when we are reunited, bless our words and time together.

Help me now give him space.

Help me to not smother him.

Help me support him.

Helm me encourage him.

Help me to stay present.

Help me honor my feelings, but not give them control.

Psalm 37:4 "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart."

How do I delight myself in You in this?

Focus on the work you have given me to do: Love my kiddos (students).

My hearts desire is to be in a loving relationship with a godly man.

I think he is that man. Maybe he's just a glimpse of what it could be like. Help me find my strength in You, not in him. Help me to let go of my need for him and to need only You, Lord.

Lord, I really need You now. My joy is wavering and my focus keeps slipping...

My dear readers, if you are hurting, longing for someone, or feeling alone, go to the Lord. Cry out to Him. He will heal your heart and give you His peace - a peace that only He can give, greater than the world.

An excerpt from the book "The Mended Heart"
by Suzanne Eller.

And if you really want to dig deeper into healing your hurt, I highly recommend the book "The Mended Heart" by Suzanne Eller. I'm reading it right now as part of a Proverbs 31 Online Bible Study. I can feel the Lord working on my heart to bring further healing and change in my life. May it bless you and heal your hurting heart. (And if you read it, I'd love to hear what you think!) Reading this book is one reason I feel compelled to share this letter with you - as part of my healing.

To find out more about "The Mended Heart" Bible study from Proverbs 31 Ministries, or to get a copy of the book, follow this link.

Moving On

"I'll be ok," I tell myself. "Correction, I AM ok."

It's been going through my head for several weeks- telling myself I AM ok, even when I don't feel it. But, y'all, I wasn't. I wasn't taking good care of myself. I wasn't ok so I wasn't eating well, I wasn't sleeping well, and I wasn't feeling well emotionally.

On Wednesday of this week I'd had enough. I woke up determined to not eat any candy or sweets that day. Morning was easy. Lunchtime came and I had a good lunch. But the afternoon was the hardest. I keep a tub of Jolly Ranchers in my classroom. When my kiddos fill up their homework chart (for bringing back homework on time) they get a piece of candy. Wednesday afternoon the candy was calling my name. Every time I'd walk by it I wanted to just grab one and suck on it, my reasoning being that it was for my dry mouth (because of the cold weather). I looked that temptation in the eye and kept walking. I was so proud of myself.

But oh the headache I was experiencing. I thought it was just allergies and weather change. I took some Tylenol and tried to move on.

Thursday the headache was still there. I continued to stare down the temptation of the Jolly Ranchers. I left work feeling victorious over the candy's calling, but with a pounding headache and a cancelled coffee date.

After work I begged my roommate to stop at Target on our way home from work, which she did. I remembered what my doctor had suggested- Benadryl and Mucinex. So I grabbed a box of each and hit the checkout. Finally at 7 pm on Thursday night I felt relief as those meds kicked in. I could breathe and my headache was finally gone. And with the headache gone, I suddenly didn't feel so tired or lethargic either. Amazing.

Friday was a wonderful day now that I was "feeling better". The candy was no longer calling my name. I was able to focus on my kids and not my headache. I was the best teacher I'd been in a few weeks. And I was going dancing that night!

I'd made a new friend two weekends ago while out dancing. He just plopped down on a chair next to me while I was resting between dances and started chatting. His charming personality and warm smile helped me open up and we started chatting. I went dancing two nights in a row last weekend and he was there both nights. We swapped numbers and now I have a dancing friend.

He picked me up Friday night and we stayed out until after 3 am. I can't remember a night in a long time where I have smiled and laughed so much, deep belly laughing, or felt so thoroughly happy. I AM ok.

Taking care of myself by eating well, exercising, and getting enough sleep helped me feel like myself again. I AM ok. No more tears over the past. I'm looking forward to the future and enjoying, embracing the present.

Day 24

That's how many days it's been since we broke up.

That's how many days I've been unable to stop eating sugar.

That's how many days I've been punishing my body with food because he broke my heart.

I didn't realize it until recently, I had been afraid to admit it, but I had fallen in love with him. It happened simply. The early days of infatuation turned into a comfortable friendship, more than friendship, love.

I loved him.

And there are (still) some days where I can't help buy cry because I miss him in my life.

I was driving the other day, a friend was letting me use their car, and burst into tears. I couldn't figure out how to work their Sirius radio. He came to mind. He has Sirius radio in his car, he would know how to change the channel. But I can't call him because he broke up with me. On Super Bowl Sunday. So I bawled as I drove down the road, because I couldn't change the station on the Sirius radio which reminded me of him, so I turned the whole darned thing off.

Just now I started crying again as I lay in bed reading and trying to fall asleep. I've started talking to other guys again. But only half-heartedly. I guess I'm not ready to move on yet.

But why, why, WHY do I keep punishing my body by eating food I don't want to eat, sneaking sweets I know will only make me feel worse? Because they are addicting. Because for so much of my previous life I used food to "comfort" me- it was better to feel a stomach ache from too much food or too many sweets than to feel emotional pain. Because I'm still learning to take care of myself in new ways.

And because a broken heart takes time to heal. Especially when you didn't earlier admit you were in love and it took you three weeks to admit that your heart had been broken.

Mental Health Day

Today was a much needed day of rest. I had called my principal yesterday to let her know I needed a sick day. I don't like to take sick days unless I have to but today was a day to grant my heart and mind healing.

The Refiner's fire has been working on me
to repair me with pure gold.

I had a good morning sleeping in until 10 and then I headed to the gym hoping some endorphines would help boost my mood. It wasn't until about 20 minutes in to my cardio that I finally started to feel release of the things weighing me down. I felt a lightness and the clarity that had been missing for weeks. I started hearing the words in the songs I was listening to. Before they had just then background noise. Today I actually heard them clearly. I started started feeling reconnected. The music that touches my heart, the music that connects me to God, was getting through. 

I had been disconnected for days, weeks even, but today I reconnected. Yesterday, I didn't want to go to church. Not even for communion. Today, I wish there was somewhere I could go to receive the Lord's supper- RIGHT NOW. I'm craving that Sacrament and the fellowship with other believers- I'd even be ok with the horrible (and I mean HORRIBLE) wine that my church uses, just so I could have a taste of that forgiveness and peace from God. 

Thank you, Lord, for healing, rest, and peace. Thank you for restoration.