Life Space

"Give him space," they said. 

"If he loves you, he'll come back," they said. 

Scrolled across these words today... perfect timing!

I know THEY all meant well, but I was too afraid to let go. I was too afraid that he wouldn't come back. I was afraid of giving up something I really wanted: a loving relationship with a Christian man. I was desperate to keep it.

What I needed to hear, and what I finally told myself this weekend, was to give MYSELF space. To live my life and give myself space to be me. I had spent so much time and energy trying to keep him that I lost myself, made myself crazy, and I'm pretty sure made him crazy and question our relationship.

The devotion that this quote is from
helped start my day right.
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Many times I feared that I'd lost him. And some of the time I would get a quick message from him saying he loves me, but those weren't often and I found myself starving for, living for those words, anxiously awaiting any contact from him. I was driving myself nuts, and the people around me.

This weekend I gave myself permission to let go, keep going, and be present - not living for when he and I will be together again. I'm not saying I'm done with the relationship, but I am giving myself space to be present in my life. To be here for myself, for my students, and for my family. And when I gave myself that permission a huge weight lifted. I feel so much less stress, so much less tension and pain in my body, and thankfully so much less emotional.

I don't know if giving him space and myself space will make him come back, but there is great freedom in letting go of trying to control everything. I can only control myself and that is a huge blessing.

Words I needed to hear today.

Moving On

"I'll be ok," I tell myself. "Correction, I AM ok."

It's been going through my head for several weeks- telling myself I AM ok, even when I don't feel it. But, y'all, I wasn't. I wasn't taking good care of myself. I wasn't ok so I wasn't eating well, I wasn't sleeping well, and I wasn't feeling well emotionally.

On Wednesday of this week I'd had enough. I woke up determined to not eat any candy or sweets that day. Morning was easy. Lunchtime came and I had a good lunch. But the afternoon was the hardest. I keep a tub of Jolly Ranchers in my classroom. When my kiddos fill up their homework chart (for bringing back homework on time) they get a piece of candy. Wednesday afternoon the candy was calling my name. Every time I'd walk by it I wanted to just grab one and suck on it, my reasoning being that it was for my dry mouth (because of the cold weather). I looked that temptation in the eye and kept walking. I was so proud of myself.

But oh the headache I was experiencing. I thought it was just allergies and weather change. I took some Tylenol and tried to move on.

Thursday the headache was still there. I continued to stare down the temptation of the Jolly Ranchers. I left work feeling victorious over the candy's calling, but with a pounding headache and a cancelled coffee date.

After work I begged my roommate to stop at Target on our way home from work, which she did. I remembered what my doctor had suggested- Benadryl and Mucinex. So I grabbed a box of each and hit the checkout. Finally at 7 pm on Thursday night I felt relief as those meds kicked in. I could breathe and my headache was finally gone. And with the headache gone, I suddenly didn't feel so tired or lethargic either. Amazing.

Friday was a wonderful day now that I was "feeling better". The candy was no longer calling my name. I was able to focus on my kids and not my headache. I was the best teacher I'd been in a few weeks. And I was going dancing that night!

I'd made a new friend two weekends ago while out dancing. He just plopped down on a chair next to me while I was resting between dances and started chatting. His charming personality and warm smile helped me open up and we started chatting. I went dancing two nights in a row last weekend and he was there both nights. We swapped numbers and now I have a dancing friend.

He picked me up Friday night and we stayed out until after 3 am. I can't remember a night in a long time where I have smiled and laughed so much, deep belly laughing, or felt so thoroughly happy. I AM ok.

Taking care of myself by eating well, exercising, and getting enough sleep helped me feel like myself again. I AM ok. No more tears over the past. I'm looking forward to the future and enjoying, embracing the present.