Week Nine Intentions

A few weeks ago I joined "diet bet" and bet on myself, that I could lose 4% in 4 weeks. The first week I gained 4 pounds . The second week I lost 2 pounds. I need to lose about 9 pounds to win my bet, otherwise I forfeit my buy in and someone else gets my money.

I intend to try as hard as I can to win. It won't be easy, but I'm gonna give it my best effort. I contacted my trainer friend in Salt Lake City to ask for his help. He said I need to do exactly what he says and eat a specific number of calories a day with the macro balance that we decided works best for me. If I don't do that, he can't help me.

I'm not gonna lie. It's intimidating. I know it's gonna be hard. Really hard. But even if I don't hit the diet bet scale number, I'll have a victory because I tried. And because I started making myself, my health, a priority again.

This week, I intend to:
- eat exactly as planned, key word PLANNED. I made the plan yesterday and I'm sticking to it for two weeks.
- exercise as planned: 2 weight workouts, 2 HIIT  workouts on the elliptical, yoga every day before work, and long low intensity elliptical sessions on the non weight/non HIIT days.
- stick to my 8:30 wind down time on school nights (which I'm already breaking tonight. I'm gonna do better tomorrow!)
- drink 60-80 ounces of water a day
- finish strong on the last week of my Bible study

This week, I'm primarily focusing on caring for my physical healthy. Phew! It's gonna be a fight, but I've got it in me!

The Scale

It's up again.

It was down. Now it's up again. What is going on? I'm doing everything right. Following my trainer's guidelines. But the scale keeps creeping up.

I know it's just a number. But it's bothering me. In the back of my mind I still have this fear that I'll balloon up again.

I'm trying to balance it out with positive self-talk. Reminders of how far I've come. A few pounds back doesn't mean I've lost the war.

I check in with my body to see how it feels. *deep breaths, hands on chest and stomach to check in* I feel stressed. I can feel tension in my shoulders. Lots of tension. It's the end of the school year and this has been a rough one.

I also feel comfortable in my skin. I don't feel fat. I don't feel overweight. I don't feel bloated. I feel good. Hmmm... but my pants do feel a bit snugger. I have a bit of a muffin top. I can work on that.

So, maybe I do need to get the scale number to go down a bit, but I also need to remember that I'm stressed and stress doesn't help the scale numbers or my body look or feel good. I'm going to do my best to get through the last two weeks of school. Then we'll see where things fall when that stressor is gone. I'm doing the best that I can right now....

Living At Break Neck Speed

I have been way too busy lately. It has been one thing after another almost every night since early July. Many of the things happening late at night and then me getting up earlyish in the morning. Even earlier now that school has started.

And now life seems to be catching up with me and I am feeling overwhelmed. There are so many things in my own little private world that I have neglected and my busyness. There are relationships I have neglected. But most importantly I have neglected to listen to my body and take care of myself.

And as I get dressed this morning I feel tears welling up in my eyes because I'm sad at the way I've treated myself, the way I have treated some of my friendships, and the way I have treated things in my life. Some of these things I wish I could go back and undo but I know that I cant.

Life just needs to slow down. Starting today. What I can do to take care of myself is to spend the evening doing things for me. Things like going to the gym, eating a healthy dinner, grading papers so they aren't looming in my mind as something I need to do. I also need to knit; I have so many baby blanket that I want to make for people having babies. I need to clean and do laundry. I need to take care of myself and my space.

I need a plan. And then I need supporters. I need prayer warriors who will be on my side I need friends who will be there to listen, to offer a shoulder to cry on if needed, to celebrate with me when needed, and sometimes to just sit quietly with me.

All these things have thrown my body out of whack. I've been staying up late so I've been eating late in the evening which has been causing me some tummy troubles. I've not been getting enough sleep which is causing my body to feel tired. The tiredness and the things I've been busy doing have been putting a lot of stress on my body and my body just isn't functioning at its best. I feel stress in my body semicolon my knees hurt, my back hurts, I've been getting headaches, and I've got knots in my shoulders.

I need to slow down and take better care of my body again. If I don't slow down and listen to my body I know I could end up where I was a couple of years ago and I never want to go back to that. But my weight has been bouncing up and down mostly up for the last several weeks and I don't like that. I know what I need to do to take care of my body but I've been too busy to listen to it.

I need to slow down. I've lost some of myself in my busyness and I miss me. I need to get back to taking care of myself and doing things that are good for me and that I'm truly passionate about. I need to spend more time with true friends who are uplifting and encouraging and godly.

In December of 2013 I sat down and wrote a year-long plan changed my life forever. I think it's time for September 2015 to be the time to write the plan that will change my life again.

Life Space

"Give him space," they said. 

"If he loves you, he'll come back," they said. 

Scrolled across these words today... perfect timing!

I know THEY all meant well, but I was too afraid to let go. I was too afraid that he wouldn't come back. I was afraid of giving up something I really wanted: a loving relationship with a Christian man. I was desperate to keep it.

What I needed to hear, and what I finally told myself this weekend, was to give MYSELF space. To live my life and give myself space to be me. I had spent so much time and energy trying to keep him that I lost myself, made myself crazy, and I'm pretty sure made him crazy and question our relationship.

The devotion that this quote is from
helped start my day right.
Go to Proverbs 31 ministries to view this devotion
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Many times I feared that I'd lost him. And some of the time I would get a quick message from him saying he loves me, but those weren't often and I found myself starving for, living for those words, anxiously awaiting any contact from him. I was driving myself nuts, and the people around me.

This weekend I gave myself permission to let go, keep going, and be present - not living for when he and I will be together again. I'm not saying I'm done with the relationship, but I am giving myself space to be present in my life. To be here for myself, for my students, and for my family. And when I gave myself that permission a huge weight lifted. I feel so much less stress, so much less tension and pain in my body, and thankfully so much less emotional.

I don't know if giving him space and myself space will make him come back, but there is great freedom in letting go of trying to control everything. I can only control myself and that is a huge blessing.

Words I needed to hear today.

More Than a Number

This weekend was the final weigh-in before the holidays. Didn't lose that last 0.7 pounds last week to make my goal; in fact, I am up a bit. And guess what- I'm ok with that.

The holidays, and preparations for them, are stressful enough without the addition of weight loss. Weight loss is hard enough without the stress of the holidays. I know why the scale went up a bit this week. I didn't eat very well. I did exercise, but I didn't eat enough fruits and veggies like I like to and I ate way more sweets than I care to admit to. So yah, the scale went up a bit.

I'll keep doing what I need to do to take care of myself this week. I'll enjoy Christmas Day dinner with family and while I won't go overboard with eating, I won't worry about staying under a certain number of calories. My plan is to fill my plate with lots of veggies and protein, take the special foods that I don't get often and the foods that I enjoy. And taste the other foods. And, if something special or that is only served on special occasions isn't as good as I had hoped, I give myself permission to leave it on my plate.

I'm not worried about the number on the scale because I know I am so much more and have achieved so many great things this year.
I can run. (Slowly, but I can do it!)
I can walk a long ways.
I can hike.
I can plank.
I can chase my niece and nephew around playing football and not get winded.
I can climb rock walls.
I can dance.
I can sing.
I feel comfortable in my own skin. With and without clothes on. I can look at myself naked in the mirror and like what I see.
I can play with  my students.
I can crawl around on the floor with them.
I can walk into a crowded room and not want to be a wall flower, but rather want to mingle and meet people.
I can laugh with others and at myself.
I can speak my mind and ask for what I want and need (do you know how liberating this is!?).
I can love and be loved.
There are so many things I can do, that I'm not going to let a number on a scale bring me down.

Here We Go Again

Time to be honest with myself. I don't like the way I've been eating the last two weeks. I made excuses that it was hard to eat at home because of the clutter from unpacking and that it was easier to eat out. But really, hamburgers, ice cream, and french fries with every meal are not a good choice (even if they're from Chik-fil-A?).
I told myself it would be ok- I was burning extra calories from the manual labor of moving boxes and unpacking. ...and then I stepped on the scale last weekend to discover that I had undone most of the good I had done at my last weigh in (losing over three pounds). I'm up a pound and a half. Argh.
I started making small changes, better choices in my eating this week on some occasions. I started back on my walking (treadmill or elliptical machine) a few times. One time when we (my roommate and I) were out running errands I asked to find somewhere healthy; we found a grocery store where I got a fresh Cobb salad (yum- hard boiled eggs and bacon!). And yesterday, instead of suggesting we go grab lunch, I made a salad instead (50/50 spring mix, goat cheese, pecans, some fresh cherries (sliced), and balsamic vinaigrette).
Despite making these small, better changes I'm still up that pound and a half; the scale hasn't moved down again this week. I think it's the ice cream, hamburger with onion rings, etc. that I also ate this week. It's no wonder I woke up with a stomach ache this morning and negative self-thoughts going through my head.
So, I just listened.
I listened for a moment to the negative self-thoughts (I'm getting so fat. I can't believe I'm doing this. etc.) and then I stopped. Why am I thinking this way, I asked myself. It's the food, I realized. Not only does it make me feel bloated and upset my stomach, it's also somehow connected to my thinking. I've been eating some not good for me food, so I'm feeling not good and thinking not good. And in that moment -  not the times I've stepped on the scale this week to check my weight, not the times I ordered the crappy food knowing it wasn't good for me, not the times I woke up with stomach aches, not the times I complained to myself about the breakouts on my chin caused by eating crappy food - in the moment I stopped to listen to my body, to really listen, I heard the answer.
I need to stop what I'm doing and make a change because it's affecting the way I feel physically and the way I think about myself. I like myself. I love myself. I love my new body and how amazing it is that my body has carried me to this point in my life. I love that my body is continually changing. I love that my body allows me to pick up heavy boxes, run (ok, slowly jog) on the treadmill, do lunges and squats (even though I hate doing them), and I love my body because it's beautiful.
So here's to me and to another chance today to listen to myself and take care of my beautiful, wonderful body and all that it allows me to do.

Progress Towards My Goal

Doing my weekly weigh in this morning... With some fear and trepidation because I was off my normal routine for several days due to travel. So glad I did it though, because I'm only three and a half pounds away from my short term goal! I WILL be at under 200 lbs by my birthday!