Day One

Well, I didn't do yoga this morning, or yesterday. Yesterday I skipped because my flight had gotten in so late the night before I needed every previous minute for sleeping before work. Today I just forgot to set the alarm. (In fact, when I woke up I was afraid I'd slept in till yesterday's late alarm!)

Not an auspicious start for my new intentions and plan to reach my whys.

After school today I spent some time lesson planning, which brought up a whole 'nother project that kept me busy till well after I'd planned to leave. As I turned off my computer I thought, "so much for working out tonight. I have so many other things to do when I get home."

But as I stood up and put my coat on, I remembered to ask myself, "will this decision help me have the freedom to live with abundant joy and energy?"

The quick answer is no, so I mentally pushed back everything else on my "do at home list" and put "do intervals on the elliptical for 25 minutes" at the top of the list.

When I got home, I almost got sidetracked with playing on my phone. Almost. But then I remembered, "will this decision help me have the freedom to live with abundant joy and energy?" I put my phone down, got my workout clothes on, then headed to the fitness center.

And in just the first few minutes I started feeling glad I'd taken the time to put my health first. And a minute after that, I'd already forgotten the rest of the to do list and just enjoyed moving my body on the path to freedom.

Tomorrow, my alarm is set to start my day with yoga! Now, back to the rest of the list!

What's the Why

I've lost my vision.

I lost my focus on my reasons and now I can't see them anymore.

I'm frustrated, feeling defeated and hopeless

I spent some time on the phone this evening with a friend taking about her why. It helped me figure out my what, but not my why.

So I dug in a little deeper after we got off the phone.

I want a quick fix, but I know that won't be a lasting fix. I need to reconnect to my why or find a new why. Or both. This is gonna be like making brisket, a slow process done with love and careful attention. This isn't easy peasy Mac'n'cheesy! Besides briskets way better, and better for you!

My old why of wanting to play volleyball and to run is gone. My body simply cannot do those because of my irreversible joint damage.

But I still want to be able to chase my little nephews and niece around.
And I still want people to see on the outside the me that's buried inside. I know that hasn't happened for several months.

And then thinking of a few new whys, I looked at my the words for this year: freedom, life, abundance.

I want FREEDOM to move with grace and ease (especially while I'm dancing - I feel held back by my extra weight).
I want FREEDOM to wear all of the clothes in my closet. (I feel sick in the same few stretchy pants and long shirts that hide the tummy I don't like and thighs that are thicker.)
I want to live a LIFE with ABUNDANT joy and energy to chase my dreams! (I feel stuck without energy in a lackluster cycle of monotony. I'm not living to the fullest.)

So now I've got my what (freedom, life, abundance), and my whys. Next step, figure out the how... which I already know I just need to get back to doing.

Paradox

I'm tired. I could use a bit more sleep. But I want to go do things, fun things.

I'm hungry and should have some breakfast. But I don't want to eat.

Yoga felt so good this morning. But I'm so tight and inflexible.

I'm a mess. I'm amazing.

I know what I need. I don't know what I need.

The scale says I'm up 5 pounds more than I want. My pants (actual fitted pants, not leggings or stretchy pants) are tighter in the waist than I'd like. I don't like the way my belly look. I love my shape when I'm in my workout wear.

I just need to get thoughts out and maybe I'll figure out what's at the heart of things. 

My friend died yesterday. I was teary off and on at work yesterday. So glad I work in a Christian school where I can openly talk with my students and coworkers about the hope of the resurrection and my gratitude that my friend is with Jesus and no longer in pain.

I got teary again during yoga just now. But I think it was tears of tiredness. I'm worn out, mentally. My sweet little 10 are exhausting. My friend died. I'm working so much. I'm trying to eat healthy, homemade meals. I'm trying to get enough sleep. I'm trying to move enough. I'm trying to do yoga for better flexibility. I'm trying, I'm trying, I'm trying.... I'm exhausted.

I'm exhausted and just going through the motions sometimes. I know I'm not alone. I just talked with a friend last night who is also exhausted from everything. Sometimes I feel afraid that I've lost sight of what I love and I'm just trying to survive. I don't want to live like that. I don't want another year like that. I don't want another month like that. I don't want another day like that or even another hour. I want more.

(Cue Little Mermaid.... I want mooooore!)

I need to eat and I need a little morning nap.
Oh, and I need to make a grocery list and put in a load of towels to wash. ....ugh. I know I'll survive. I'll find the juicy life again. I'll see the light in the darkness. I'll see hope. I'll feel joy. I'm going to start with breakfast and a nap while towels are in the wash. I got this. God's got me. Lets go do this!

Balance

It's December. The most wonderful time of the year for baking, partying, and gifting. Not so wonderful for sticking to diet, exercise, and health plans.

Had a brief chat with my boyfriend this evening about what I need to take care of my (mental) health and manage stress for the next few weeks.
1. I need to eat well.
2. I need to make sure to get in bed by 10 pm on work nights.
3. I need to exercise regularly. (We joked that my trainer would be punishing me in the gym every night this upcoming week... Maybe not so much a joke after recent events.)
4. Minimize stressors, and relieve stress by cuddling more! (One of my top two love languages is physical touch, so cuddling is super important to me!)

I need to get back to focusing on the big picture and keeping everything in balance.
1. I will get through this. I've got a 100% success rate so far for overcoming obstacles.
2. Ten pounds is only ten pounds. I'm not obese again. But I do have to work hard to get it back off.
3. I feel better when I eat better, but feeling better doesn't mean I can slack off after a few days.
4. Sugar makes me feel horrible. I repeat: Sugar makes me feel horrible! My mood, my muscles, and my knees. Stay away from sugar!
5. There is more to life than managing food and exercising at the gym. Life is about balance.
6. Track receipts and get control of my budget (I've been ignoring balance in other areas of my life besides, food and exercise).
7. Find time to at least walk or do yoga every day. My health matters.
8. Eat more homemade food and less prepared food/fast food.
9. Make time for connecting with my boyfriend every day. Relationship health is just as important as my physical and financial health.
10.  ....that's enough list.

Finding balance is hard, but possible. I can do it - starting with prayer over all things!

Father God, please help me find balance in my life. You are the Creator of all things. You have  a plan and purpose for my life. Help me to not be so busy that I don't have time for the ministry tasks you have specially equipped me for. Help me to put you at the center of it all so that I can keep it all in balance, with your help. Thank you for showing me the way. Amen!

Living At Break Neck Speed

I have been way too busy lately. It has been one thing after another almost every night since early July. Many of the things happening late at night and then me getting up earlyish in the morning. Even earlier now that school has started.

And now life seems to be catching up with me and I am feeling overwhelmed. There are so many things in my own little private world that I have neglected and my busyness. There are relationships I have neglected. But most importantly I have neglected to listen to my body and take care of myself.

And as I get dressed this morning I feel tears welling up in my eyes because I'm sad at the way I've treated myself, the way I have treated some of my friendships, and the way I have treated things in my life. Some of these things I wish I could go back and undo but I know that I cant.

Life just needs to slow down. Starting today. What I can do to take care of myself is to spend the evening doing things for me. Things like going to the gym, eating a healthy dinner, grading papers so they aren't looming in my mind as something I need to do. I also need to knit; I have so many baby blanket that I want to make for people having babies. I need to clean and do laundry. I need to take care of myself and my space.

I need a plan. And then I need supporters. I need prayer warriors who will be on my side I need friends who will be there to listen, to offer a shoulder to cry on if needed, to celebrate with me when needed, and sometimes to just sit quietly with me.

All these things have thrown my body out of whack. I've been staying up late so I've been eating late in the evening which has been causing me some tummy troubles. I've not been getting enough sleep which is causing my body to feel tired. The tiredness and the things I've been busy doing have been putting a lot of stress on my body and my body just isn't functioning at its best. I feel stress in my body semicolon my knees hurt, my back hurts, I've been getting headaches, and I've got knots in my shoulders.

I need to slow down and take better care of my body again. If I don't slow down and listen to my body I know I could end up where I was a couple of years ago and I never want to go back to that. But my weight has been bouncing up and down mostly up for the last several weeks and I don't like that. I know what I need to do to take care of my body but I've been too busy to listen to it.

I need to slow down. I've lost some of myself in my busyness and I miss me. I need to get back to taking care of myself and doing things that are good for me and that I'm truly passionate about. I need to spend more time with true friends who are uplifting and encouraging and godly.

In December of 2013 I sat down and wrote a year-long plan changed my life forever. I think it's time for September 2015 to be the time to write the plan that will change my life again.