Balance

It's December. The most wonderful time of the year for baking, partying, and gifting. Not so wonderful for sticking to diet, exercise, and health plans.

Had a brief chat with my boyfriend this evening about what I need to take care of my (mental) health and manage stress for the next few weeks.
1. I need to eat well.
2. I need to make sure to get in bed by 10 pm on work nights.
3. I need to exercise regularly. (We joked that my trainer would be punishing me in the gym every night this upcoming week... Maybe not so much a joke after recent events.)
4. Minimize stressors, and relieve stress by cuddling more! (One of my top two love languages is physical touch, so cuddling is super important to me!)

I need to get back to focusing on the big picture and keeping everything in balance.
1. I will get through this. I've got a 100% success rate so far for overcoming obstacles.
2. Ten pounds is only ten pounds. I'm not obese again. But I do have to work hard to get it back off.
3. I feel better when I eat better, but feeling better doesn't mean I can slack off after a few days.
4. Sugar makes me feel horrible. I repeat: Sugar makes me feel horrible! My mood, my muscles, and my knees. Stay away from sugar!
5. There is more to life than managing food and exercising at the gym. Life is about balance.
6. Track receipts and get control of my budget (I've been ignoring balance in other areas of my life besides, food and exercise).
7. Find time to at least walk or do yoga every day. My health matters.
8. Eat more homemade food and less prepared food/fast food.
9. Make time for connecting with my boyfriend every day. Relationship health is just as important as my physical and financial health.
10.  ....that's enough list.

Finding balance is hard, but possible. I can do it - starting with prayer over all things!

Father God, please help me find balance in my life. You are the Creator of all things. You have  a plan and purpose for my life. Help me to not be so busy that I don't have time for the ministry tasks you have specially equipped me for. Help me to put you at the center of it all so that I can keep it all in balance, with your help. Thank you for showing me the way. Amen!

A Set Back

Oh dear....

Dear Mr. Trainer,
Please don't be mad and yell at me. I fell off the wagon last week. I fell hard. It's time for me to refocus. Please just help me refocus.
Sincerely,
Me

It's caught up to me. My aching shoulders, my stiff knees, and my upset stomach are all signs/symptoms of my poor eating, lack of exercise, and decrease in regular sleep at night. I need to get back on track.

If I never eat at another fast food or have another sweet (at least for the rest of this month!) I'll be ok with that. Ugh. I'm so... what's the word for when you haven't eaten well, slept well, or exercised much.... and my brain won't shut off and let me go to sleep even though I'm tired. So I thought I'd write in my blog since it's been forever.

And maybe I'll diffuse some lavender or take a melatonin to help me sleep in a bit, but first I need to get some thoughts out here and share on my blog!

I've started dating this guy (he's great!) and I've let it throw me off track. I need to keep my good health goals in mind as I continue to explore this new relationship. I need to make sure my boyfriend and my health are priorities that aren't conflicting.

....Boundaries. I need some healthy boundaries. I need to say good night to him at a reasonable hour that allows me the sleep I need to feel good. Because when I sleep well, I will eat well (or at least not "cheat" and snack on sweets between meals). And when I eat well and feel rested I will then have energy to go workout, which will then help me sleep well, and the cycle repeats itself all over again.


Dear Mr. Boyfriend,
I really like you. And I really like me. I need to be healthy to be my best with you, so I'm going to work on setting some healthy limits for myself and our relationship so that I can take care of me and be my best for you. I need your support in making it ok to take care of me by allowing me to say good night to you a little earlier that we have in the past few weeks. And I already know you're ok with this because you love and respect and care for me. I already know you want what's best for me (and it's one of the many reasons I love you). Thank you for helping me take care of myself.
Love,
Me

Love Is

When I think about love, or when I think about being "in love", and how the feeling has faded and wondered if I still love the person, the line from DC Talk's song comes to mind: love is a verb. Take a listen here if you haven't heard it before, or if you haven't heard it for a while:



Love is more than a feeling. Sure, that "in love" feeling is nice, but it doesn't last. So when the feeling fades, is love gone? In our thinking brains, we know that the answer is no, but in our feeling, emotional brains, we might question our love or the other person's love.

I am a person who is very in-tune with their emotions. That gift has its ups and downs. It helps me be a compassionate, loving person. I feel things deeply. And because I feel things deeply, I love deeply and sometimes easily and I get my heart broken deeply, painfully, too.

So, the questions going through my mind the last few weeks is: do I still love him, does he still love me? We no longer have the "in love" feelings, the need to always be together (or in our case of long-distance relationship, always be texting/calling each other about everything). Life has taken a big shift as he had some big issues come up at work. We haven't been able to connect the last couple weeks as we did the first many weeks of our relationship (month and a half). Does that mean we are no longer in love?

In my logical, thinking brain I know the answer is no, we haven't stopped loving each other; or at least I haven't stopped loving him. In my emotional brain, and remember I'm an emotional person - very strongly E on the Myers-Briggs personality test, sometimes my irrational feelings get the better of me and I let doubts creep in. And I think this is the devil preying on me, using my gift as also my weakness to attack me.

Again, I have to go back to the reminder that love is not a feeling, love is a verb.

I saw a post on Facebook several weeks ago. It was something like a conversation between a parent and their daughter. Every time the daughter would come home deeply in love with/have a crush on a boy at school, the parent would ask: Can you put their name in place of the word love in 1 Corinthians 13? If the answer is no, then it's not really love.

I tried this with his name after I read the post. His name fit. Boy, but on the other hand, lately my name does not. I haven't trusted or hoped very well. I'm praying about this, as well as seeking support from godly women, and spending time in prayer and God's Word.

Love is a journey. God is growing me. It's not easy, and sometimes it's painful, but the refiner's fire will make me stronger. 

What I'm Learning

I was working out this afternoon and this song came on my workout playlist: "Faithful" by Hawk Nelson. Take a listen.



I've been doing some reflecting on relationships this past week and spending a lot of time in The Word, in prayer, in my journal, and in conversation with godly advisers. Through this challenging situation I've been learning things about myself. More importantly I've been learning things about God and my relationship with Him.

I thought about how I had been longing for a word from the guy I'm dating, just a few moments of his time, reassurance that he still cares and that he will keep his promise to see me again. I longed for these things so much that my heart ached, felt like it was breaking, and I cried a lot. And as I dove into God's Word for comfort it slowly dawned on me- isn't this how I should feel about spending time with God? Shouldn't I long for Him, spending time in prayer and His Word as much or more than I long for time with the guy I'm dating?

Yes, at times my world feels like it's falling apart (and I'm dealing with the emotional stuff and balancing out hormones) because the plans we had made together don't appear to be coming to fruition. And because I can be a bit of a control-freak it's hard for me to let the man take the lead in the relationship. And because I'm super-organized and into detailed planning it's hard for me to handle the unknown. I know these things about myself. It doesn't make this any easier, but at least I know this about myself.  And now I know, really know, how God wants me to feel about Him. And perhaps a bit of how He feels about me?...

Fear Not!

This week I have spent too much time living in fear. Fear for my health, fear for a loved one, and fear for a relationship. These are all good things to be concerned about, but not to live in fear about.

I really needed these words this week.

Last night I feared for my health after a traumatic blood donation reaction. I had a vasovagal response (or syncope) which resulted in me fainting and a few other things (want to know more? click here). Anyway, a friend who's a nurse prescribed rest, hydration, and increased salt intake. I felt wiped out the rest of the evening, took a nap, had dinner, then went to bed early. After sleeping for 10 hours I'm feeling much better... now to clean up my roommate's car so it smells better.

The big fears that took up my time and energy this week were for the guy I'm dating and our relationship. The first part of the week was consumed by a lot of unbalanced fear. In hind-sight, I strongly believe it was the devil trying to get a foothold and trying to shake my faith - my faith in God and my faith in this person. I was overwhelmed by fears to the point of despair.

I turned to my pastor, and some wise, godly women, as well as God's Word for strength and encouragement. I'm still concerned for my guy and our relationship, but no more unbalanced fear. On Thursday morning I determined that throughout the day if I felt concerned for him, instead of worrying that I would pray this simple sentence prayer: God, give him peace. On Friday, my prayer again was simple: Lord, give me strength.

Today, I woke up feeling drained from both the stressful week and the traumatic events of my blood donation yesterday. My prayer today has been a bit more complex: Lord, let him feel in his heart that I am praying for him and loving him and trusting him. Lord, give him mental clarity to fix this, to find resolution for his business. Help him know that if he needs to be at work next week and not visit until later that I will be ok. Help me to trust that he is doing what's best for him and best for us. Help me give room to let him lead our relationship.

Throughout the day when I've thought of this man and our relationship I have prayed some variation of these words. While out at lunch I prayed. On the way home from the movie theater I prayed. Shopping in Walmart I prayed! While writing this blog I am praying. I may do some deeper prayer around this, including journaling and reading my Bible, but I am determined to not lose hope, to trust in the Lord, and to love myself and him through this tough situation. I will find my strength that God has given me and I will support him as well. God has good things in store (Jeremiah 29:11) for me and for him!

Stormy Week

This has been a rough week. Last weekend I came down with a bad cold. I stayed home from church on Sunday and work on Monday. On Thursday, the guy I started dating (who currently lives out of state) told me that he wasn't going to be able to visit me this weekend as planned. It's been three weeks since we last saw each other and I was very disappointed.

I started feeling lousy on Saturday. A little lethargic and extra sweaty on my walk to an appointment about a half-mile from my apartment. I thought perhaps it was the heat making me feel "off" since the temperature had jumped up significantly that week. But by that evening I was dragging, sneezy, and generally feeling lousy. And Sunday I was clearly sick. I stayed in bed, or on the couch, all day and spent most of the day napping. I called in sick that afternoon and spent Monday doing the same.

Still feeling lousy Monday afternoon, I emailed my boss to let her know I needed another day of rest. With three teachers planning to be out later that week, we were short on sub availability for the week. The principal asked me to contact her the next morning by 6:30 to find out if she was able to secure a sub and to see how I was feeling.

The next morning at 6:20 am I was still feeling yucky, but when I called the principal she made it clear that finding a sub was very difficult and inconvenient. Out of guilt, I gave up my need for self-care and went to work. I dragged through the day and after lunch put on a movie for the afternoon. I was there in body but not in spirit. After work I took a 2-1/2 hour nap and then went to bed early.

Wednesday, I was feeling physically better, but not back to 100% restored health yet. My guy, who had been great earlier in the week with supportive comments and desires to be there to care for me while I was not feeling well, started having things at work fall apart. Clients and staff not happy and he was extra-busy putting out fires. He was going to end up working late and wouldn't be able to talk on the phone that night as we have been doing regularly. At least we had our visit this weekend to look forward to.

But things really went south for him at work on Thursday and he sent me a message saying he wasn't going to be able to make it out this weekend. He was going to have to go visit a client over the weekend and try to do damage control. My heart dropped when I read that message and I tried to hold it together until my lunch break. It was not easy.

I knew that these words on my
page-a-day calendar would
be needed again.

At lunch I tried to call him to talk, but it went to his voicemail; he was busy leading his team. Life was feeling pretty stormy and rough. Mid-afternoon I was teaching religion to my students; we were on the story of Jesus calming the storm on the Sea of Galilee. As I read the story to the kids and the suggested teaching notes from the teacher book I started getting choked up. The words pierced my heart and reminded me that I was focusing on the storm, rather than the Creator. I felt comforted by the reminder that God will give us peace in the midst of the storms of life. I sent my boyfriend a quick email about the story to comfort him, too.

That night, we finally had the chance to talk on the phone, and pray together as has become our habit. It is such a blessing to be able to pray with someone you love. We can lift up each other's cares to the Lord. That night, his prayers for me and for our relationship brought tears to my eyes. I have never felt so honored and loved by a man before. I told him so and how much I appreciated that. It was a very special moment for us. We were both still disappointed at not being able to spend the weekend together, but encouraged by our time talking on the phone and praying together. Prayer is such a blessing.

Friday, I was back to full health, but still feeling blue about my guy not being able to come. When I received a bouquet of flowers and box of brownies and cookies from a student, I devoured two sweets right away that morning, and two more that afternoon. I was eating my feelings...maybe I wasn't in full health after all- my emotional health was not good.

In an effort to undo damage from my poor eating that day, and to earn back some calories so I could enjoy the dinner celebration that night, I hit the gym right after work and pushed myself extra hard on the elliptical machine. The exercise helped clear my mind, but my stomach was upset from all the sweets that day and no amount of exercise was going to help that. The damage had already been done.

I had started the week doing the best I could while I was sick. I had bought several cans of soup the week before, which were easy to fix while I was feeling less than energetic. And when I needed a few more things, a wonderful friend picked them up at the store for me on Tuesday morning. But Thursday and Friday, I started hitting the emotional eating hard. Lots of sweets on Friday.

Not only did I feel emotionally lousy on Friday, I made myself feel physically lousy by my eating. I paid for it that night. I was so bloated and my stomach so upset. I slept very poorly Friday night. Between the worries about not hearing from my guy because of his busy-ness and my upset stomach from poor eating, I tossed and turned all night until my stomach settled down late on Saturday morning.

Finally feeling physically better, I got up and headed to the fitness center late on Saturday morning. I exercised, but my mood is not improved. I still have not heard from my guy and I'm feeling disheartened and extremely disappointed. I had looked forward to seeing him for weeks. We had made plans for our time together. Now it is all postponed and I don't know when we'll see each other again.

But after yesterdays tummy troubles from poor eating, I listened to my body and I am determined to NOT eat my feelings this weekend. I'm taking care of myself by eating well and allowing myself to feel these feelings, no matter how uncomfortable they are. After all, they are just feelings and they will pass.

This, too, shall pass....

Old Me - New Me

It's been a heck of a day. Apartment hunting. Online. Long-distance. With a roommate from another state. (She and I are both going to be newbies at the same school this fall.) AND missing my boyfriend who left for the Navy four days ago. Going to his storage unit to drop off some things and pick up some other things. AND it was hot out today.

I'm pooped.

The old me would've found some way to muster up energy to go to the grocery store for a pint of Ben & Jerry's. Or stopped somewhere to get chocolate. Or just guzzled from the bottle of Hershey's syrup in the fridge.

The new me knows that 1- it won't make me feel better and 2- the calories aren't worth it.

I just need to sit with my feelings and be ok with missing my boyfriend, crying when I need to, and accepting that these are temporary feelings. I also need to find another way to soothe myself.

I know a walk would make me feel better, but I'm not going to "should" myself into taking a walk. Instead, I'm going to allow myself to sit on my butt in front of the TV and knit without telling myself I should be going for a walk, or I should be water the plants, or I should be.... because what I should be doing is honoring my body, listening to how my body feels, and allowing my feelings to just be feelings and not dictate what I eat or anything else.

Feelings are just feelings. I like the new me. I'm proud of the new me. The new me is 50 pounds lighter than the old me at the start of this year.

How Do You Spell Relief? C-A-K-E

Birthday cupcakes- dancing shoes

Yep, that's right. I'm stressed and I tried to find relief through cake this week.

Granted, it was my birthday weekend so the cake was mostly birthday cake leftovers.

But yesterday at work (the school) there was a trip to the donut shop with my students and leftover graduation party cake. It wasn't even special cake; just a plain white cake with white frosting from some grocery store, or maybe even a big box store. Despite the fact that I've learned over the last four years that food won't bring me comfort. Despite the fact that I've learned to listen to my body and that sugar makes my body hurt. Despite the fact that I had told myself I would be fine without a donut and that I had a little bag full of all sorts of yummy food that I really wanted to eat. Despite all that I ate two pieces of cake and a salted caramel old fashioned donut.

And what did I get? A sugar headache, feeling of sluggishness and tiredness, moodiness, and an upset stomach. Oh, and no desire to do my usual walk and workout. Ugh! Why do I do this to myself?

Let's not go down that road too far. I'm not going to beat myself up. But here's a little bit of the story behind WHY I ate that way. (I find it helps me prevent it in the future and rewire my brain if I think about WHY I did what I did, but to not dwell on it and beat myself up.)

1. I was coming down off of the high of my birthday weekend. I had cake and strawberry shortcake over the weekend so sugar was in my system. It's hard to get away from my sugar craving once my body has gotten a little taste. And, I turned 35; that's a significant milestone. Another multiple of five.
As I was coming down off the high of the birthday weekend I realized that some big (hard, sad, stressful, etc.) changes are now a lot closer than before.
2. My boyfriend leaves for the Navy next week. I was there with him when he applied months ago. It seemed like we had a long time. Now the day is almost here and it's hard to face that he will soon be gone. I'm trying to process my feelings about it. I may have been too needy, too clingy this week. He's trying to process all his feelings, too. We're having a hard time communicating about this, so what do I do? I eat. And then I feel worse because now my body hurts and I'm still stressed and it hasn't done anything to help the communication.
3. The school year is ending and I'm leaving a job of four years. It's been a roller-coaster ride. I'm glad to be moving on to my next school (very excited to be teaching full-time, in first grade, again), but still, change is hard.
4. I'm moving. If you've ever moved, whether across the street, across town, or across the country you know that moving is hard and creates a lot of stress. Where will I live? How will I afford it? How will I get there? When will I get there? I have the added stress of needing to buy a car when I get there. I've mostly been relying on public transportation the last four years. Now I have to be (get to be) a car owner again- and everything that goes with it. Oh man.

Are you getting the picture that there's a lot going on in my life? Can you see how that would all be stressful?

In the midst of this I realize that I have not turned to God as much as I  need to, so today as I sat down to write an email of venting to myself (like a journal, but via email so it never goes anywhere but to me), I realized a few things. The biggest one is that I need to cling to God and not food or people. And as that thought processed in my mind I was reminded of a song that I had clung to a few months ago during another stressful time. I would play it over and over again and let it be my cry, my prayer to God. Starting today, this morning already, I'm going to be playing this song a lot as my reminder to cling to God during these stressful events. May it bless you as it has blessed me.

Saved $2.25, Gained A Lot More

Tuesday, I decided to take my exercise clothes to work so I could walk from my office to my mother's office after work to carpool home. I saved the $2.25 bus fare and enjoyed the sunshine, but I gained so much more.

As you can tell from the gap in the posts, I have been very busy this month. I was offered a job. In Utah. I was continuing interviews with several other employers and waiting for their decisions. My boyfriend is shipping out to Navy boot camp in a few weeks. I went out of town to visit for several days and then house-sat/dog-sat for two weeks. Lots going on for sure and lots of stress.

At 3:30 I changed into my workout clothes, closed up the office and hit the road. At first I missed my usual music, but after a few blocks I was glad to be without it. I let my mind wander over recent events- the job offered, the jobs I didn't get, my boyfriend, my boyfriend leaving, what will happen to our relationship, moving to Utah...enjoy the sunshine. As I said in a previous post, Urban Hiking is more than just a walk it's a time to think.

On Sunday at church with my boyfriend and his family we were talking about the Patriarchs and how God gave them promises for their future, sometimes unbelievable promises, such as Sarai having a baby when she was old and barren. I jokingly said "wouldn't it be great if God would give us big neon billboards so we would know what to do?" On my walk I realized that I had gotten what I asked for. The school in Utah offered me the job. I held out on accepting the job while I waited for other schools to make final decisions. Door after door closed, yet the door in Utah remained open. Ok, God, I get the message from this giant neon billboard- You want me to go to Utah.

I continued to reflect throughout the evening and realized that I had let myself get so consumed by stress (see above situations) and by fear and anxiety about making a big move that I forgot to be grateful. Grateful that God has answered, in His perfect time and in His perfect way, my prayer asking Him to give me a classroom of my own where I can teach full time again, to be active in Lutheran School ministry full-time again.

During my Tuesday night Bible study group's prayer time I started crying. (I don't think I have cried more in any one place other than my home than I have at my Bible study.) I felt sad that I had been so consumed by my fears about moving that I forgot to be grateful. Guilty that I had spent so much time being sad about the things I would be giving up here that I forgot to look at what I might gain. Praise God that He is more faithful than I; He never lost sight of me even when I took my eyes off of Him.

I saved $2.25 by walking instead of taking the bus, but I gained a whole lot more.