Week Five Intentions

The past week has been tough. I've been battling a bacteria infection of some kind and a viral infection (a.k.a. a cold) and my grandma died. So lasts week's intentions of exercise were hard to meet.

This week, I intend to:
* lovingly listen to my body
* get plenty of sleep
* take time every day for Bible study and prayer
* eat for fuel not for feelings

2019 Prayer

As I sit and plan how to live out my three words of 2019 in January, a prayer formed that I just cried out to God  I share it with you in hope that it speaks to you, someone else who might be feeling alone. You are not alone in your circumstance. I am here. I will walk with you. And God hears and see you, too. He cares for you. And because He does, I do too.

Dear God, Abba Father, Daddy
Help me enter 2019 with a joyful heart, full of gratitude. Give me wisdom, discernment, and patience about the future.
Help me think positively and to plan for the future with your guidance. Give me peace about what the future holds, hope that I can achieve these things, and determination and self-discipline to follow through on these tasks. I'm scared. I feel afraid and overwhelmed by everything going on. Help me focus on You, and one day, one moment at a time.
As I work towards a healthier body again, help me do it with love and gratitude for myself and all that I've been through, rather than punishment for the neglect I've shown my body in recent months. Let me recall the strength I had in the past and use that to motivate me in the future, one day at a time. I cannot do this alone, but You are with me. When trouble causes me to fear and to doubt myself and the strength You have given me, remind me of what I am You: strong, beautiful, beloved child who is loved, beautiful, redeemed, perfect no matter what.
When others criticize me or don't support what I do, help me to not take it to heart, but also help me to look at it as an opportunity to reflect, evaluate, and grow.
When I face obstacles at work, help me to keep my eyes fixed on You and You alone. Let my words and actions honor You. Show me the purpose You have for me here. Show me how to best use my gifts, my time, and all that I am in service to You.
Help me stay present with myself. Help me respond not react. Help me grow through all of this.
Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief.
Amen. Amen. It shall be so!

Oh Lord Hear My Prayer

Lord, I need you. My head hurts. My heart and mind are restless. It's hard to be patient. I need You. I need Your help. Amen.

Everything Changed

So many things have been on my mind lately, I don't quite know where this will go. But here goes...

This morning I was doing yoga and had to fold my hands together. I realized that my hands and fingers feel smaller, or thinner rather. And last couple of weeks while wearing my old dancing shoes I've noticed that they feel different on my feet. My trainer says that it's because my feet aren't as fat. That sounds about right because it feels like there's less padding, cushion under the ball of my foot.

And dating, I'm kind of at a loss. I'm tired of browsing profiles on eHarmony. And I don't really want to go back to Match. No one is contacting me. No one is responding to my contact. I'm just going to let my membership expire when the 12 months runs out soon. Maybe something will happen offline!

And oils. I've been so focused on reading my "Gameplan" book and building a business, that I forgot that it wasn't just about that. I mean, that's why I initially became a business builder - for a business that would generate income. But as I've been reading the book, Sarah Harnisch keeps mentioning that it has to be about wanting to share a healthier lifestyle, not about the money. Yes, the money is a blessing and benefit, but when I talk with people (prospects) about the oils, it has to be from a place in my heart of wanting to help them improve their health.

Today after I finished reading my chapter for the day, I was doing the assignment on prayer. I was praying for my business: for specific goals like sales, teammates, class attendance, and then I got to a point of praying for the words I speak to be effective. And something inside of me changed. The words I was speaking changed to no longer being about just increasing my income, but about really changing people's lives for the better. That the words I would speak to people as I share about the oils would reflect how they have improved my total health: physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and financially.  Because that's really what "Urban Hiker Girl" is all about.

Urban Hiker Girl is about the journey through life and improving health in all those areas: emotional, spiritual, mental, physical, and financial. And I want to show others how oils can bless them in those areas, too.

It's not just about selling starter kits, but about helping people (you!) on their own (YOUR OWN) journey, urban hiking or otherwise. Oils can support you in reaching your goals! I invite you to come to one of my free classes (in person or online) to hear about how they have helped me. And soon, I am adding testimonials of how oils have supported other Young Living Essential Oil users so you can hear about other ways that the oils are helping people and how they started their journeys.

The words of my prayer changed, without me even trying or forcing them to. As soon as I asked God to help me have a change of heart and change of my approach, the words I was speaking changed and tears of gratitude flowed freely. God is good! And He is doing good things right here, right now!

Hope

I'm afraid to hope. It seems lately that when I hope for things that they don't come true.

I sometimes dream of what could be if... I'm not afraid to dream. I'm just afraid to hope that those dreams will come true.

I dreamed of what it would be like to move to my dream school/church in Denver. To be near my grandma. To be part of a ministry that actually reaches beyond it's doors to serve it's neighbors. I loved this dream so much. I hoped that this would come true. I prayed fervently; it seemed that God had put this dream in my heart so I prayed that He would fulfill it.

That dream grew and filled my heart. At times I became anxious that it might not work out; in those moments I turned that fear over to God by simply telling Him about it and asking Him to help me through those moments. And I prayed for the school, too, as the principal sorted out staff transitions that a "just right" place might work out for me.

And then I heard from them. It was not going to work out. I felt so sad. I had dared to dream and hope that this dream might come true. But it didn't. And I was extremely disappointed. Not quite crushed, but more than sad. I felt a little deflated.

And now another possible opportunity may be presenting itself, in another area of my life. And I've thought a bit about "what if...." but I'm scared to let myself dream about the possibilities of what the future could hold. This opportunity has presented itself before in the past and things didn't turn out well. I want this opportunity to be different than before. To have a better ending. But I'm a little scared to hope. I've hoped for this twice before, but both times felt hurt. Yet this opportunity has come back again, this opportunity that I wanted so much the first two times but feel so scared to admit to still wanting it. Maybe I'm not afraid to hope for it, but I'm afraid to admit I'm hoping for it. I'm afraid to let this hope get too big because I could get hurt big.

I guess they always say "go big or go home"... so maybe I will hope and dream for this to turn out differently this time.

Lord, I give this dream, this hope to You. Guide me. Help me to dream big and trust that You've got this, that You will work out what is best for me. I trust You, Lord, to do this.

Worn

So much about this song speaks to how I'm feeling right now.

Lately, it just seems to be one thing after another.

Let me begin with a little back story...

In November, my boyfriend and I started to plan a trip for us to visit my grandparents in Denver during my school's spring break (I'm a teacher). However, in early January this boyfriend and I decided to take a break. And at the end of January, my grandpa passed away. I still went to visit my grandma over spring break (which started Easter weekend). But this time there was no grandpa or boyfriend as planned. So that brought up a lot of feelings and emotions being at grandma's house with no grandpa and no boyfriend.

I've been meaning to officially, finally end things with him, but didn't have the right words or the right time. But Friday night, at 2 am, (which I guess is technically Saturday morning) one of many recent nights where I haven't slept well, I was able to find just the right words to express in a compassionate and kind way my need to end our relationship.

I felt lighter and freer, as if a burden had been lifted. Not that the relationship was a burden, but that the need to officially end it had been a burden.

But then this morning I got a message from my dad saying that my stepmom had suffered a stroke... and the weight was back. The weight of sin and sickness and death. I immediately took up the burden of sadness over this, as well as two great aunts - one who passed away a week ago and one who is in the hospital from an injury similar to the one my grandpa suffered before he passed away. And the weight has been dragging me down.

I tried all day to keep focused (and done very well), but after work I was in tears again. My heart just feels overwhelmed by the sadness that sickness and death has brought into my life this year. And I even noticed that in my mind I started to have the "why me, God, why them" kind of questions.

But I know why. Death and sickness were never part of His perfect design. Adam and Eve brought sin into this world. It makes our bodies decay. I had to explain this to my kids today when they asked me why I was sad, what a heart attack is, and other questions about my step mom.

Lord, I pray for peace. Peace for me and for my family. We know death and sickness were never a part of Your original plan for us. You are the Great Physician - please watch over all who are sick and suffering. Grant them healing, not just from their physical needs but from their spiritual needs as well. And Lord, You are the giver of Peace. Surround all who are suffering with Your Peace, the Peace that passes all understanding. Guide the doctors and nurses who care for the sick; grant them wisdom in their care. Give comfort and hope to those who mourn and to those who wait by the bedside of the sick. We know that You will work all these things for the good of those who love you - if not healing and restoration in this life, then in the next. Thank you, Father, for hearing this prayer. Amen.

Unfinished Prayer

Give him a fighting spirit, Lord. A spirit of strength. The knowledge that he can get through this and that he can overcome these obstacles. Not for me but for himself. That with You he can be strong.

And let him see that he is worthy. Worthy of so much more than his present situation. That because he is Your child he is worthy of so many blessings.

And give him confidence, Lord. Confidence that in You he is enough exactly the way he is. That he is enough and he is worthy.

Lord, give me a man who believes these things about himself. But most importantly give me a man who believes in you. Whose walk with you will join with mine. So that together we can grow in You.

Honor God, Honor Others, Honor Myself

My friend Michael taught me to say in my prayers "what honors God, what honors others, and what honors me."

Today I woke up struggling with a situation and I was contemplating those words in prayer. I'm torn because what appears to honor the other person feels like a burden of obligation to me and therefore is not honoring of my feelings. So I continue to ponder the words "honor God, honor others, and honor me."

Yes, I should put honoring God above others and myself, but do I also put honoring others above honoring myself? At this point I'm really struggling with that idea. I spent too much time in my past putting others before me. And I grew to resent that and was too much of a people pleaser. I was not authentic. I was not myself. And so now I'm trying to find a balance between honoring others and honoring myself.

I spent some more time in prayer asking God to help me find balance in this situation, find a way to honor all involved, and give me a new perspective.

This evening I no longer feel burdened or obligated, but a peace when I think of doing what would honor the other person. Prayer changed me.

Prayer For My Friend

Heavenly Father, I miss my friend. I miss them a lot. We haven't seen each other in over a month and my life feels a little emptier without them.

And lately I've really been wanting to spend time with them. And perhaps that's how you feel about me. I've been neglecting our time together, not spending enough time in conversation with you.

And I've had a few tears of longing for time with my friend. How many times have you shed tears longing for time with me? Waiting for me to come back to you.

Their absence hurts and weighs heavy on my heart. I long to just be close to my friend, to hold each other in a long embrace. No words to speak, just together. Just together.

Do you long for me, too, like that, Lord? Waiting to hold me in your embrace and just be with me?

I'm longing, Lord. Longing to feel a warm embrace. Longing to be held. Desiring to hold another and share my love. Show me who needs my love and let me feel your embrace.

Amen.

Fear Not!

This week I have spent too much time living in fear. Fear for my health, fear for a loved one, and fear for a relationship. These are all good things to be concerned about, but not to live in fear about.

I really needed these words this week.

Last night I feared for my health after a traumatic blood donation reaction. I had a vasovagal response (or syncope) which resulted in me fainting and a few other things (want to know more? click here). Anyway, a friend who's a nurse prescribed rest, hydration, and increased salt intake. I felt wiped out the rest of the evening, took a nap, had dinner, then went to bed early. After sleeping for 10 hours I'm feeling much better... now to clean up my roommate's car so it smells better.

The big fears that took up my time and energy this week were for the guy I'm dating and our relationship. The first part of the week was consumed by a lot of unbalanced fear. In hind-sight, I strongly believe it was the devil trying to get a foothold and trying to shake my faith - my faith in God and my faith in this person. I was overwhelmed by fears to the point of despair.

I turned to my pastor, and some wise, godly women, as well as God's Word for strength and encouragement. I'm still concerned for my guy and our relationship, but no more unbalanced fear. On Thursday morning I determined that throughout the day if I felt concerned for him, instead of worrying that I would pray this simple sentence prayer: God, give him peace. On Friday, my prayer again was simple: Lord, give me strength.

Today, I woke up feeling drained from both the stressful week and the traumatic events of my blood donation yesterday. My prayer today has been a bit more complex: Lord, let him feel in his heart that I am praying for him and loving him and trusting him. Lord, give him mental clarity to fix this, to find resolution for his business. Help him know that if he needs to be at work next week and not visit until later that I will be ok. Help me to trust that he is doing what's best for him and best for us. Help me give room to let him lead our relationship.

Throughout the day when I've thought of this man and our relationship I have prayed some variation of these words. While out at lunch I prayed. On the way home from the movie theater I prayed. Shopping in Walmart I prayed! While writing this blog I am praying. I may do some deeper prayer around this, including journaling and reading my Bible, but I am determined to not lose hope, to trust in the Lord, and to love myself and him through this tough situation. I will find my strength that God has given me and I will support him as well. God has good things in store (Jeremiah 29:11) for me and for him!

Listening, Prayers, and Relief

Yesterday was a rough day.

I woke up late. My alarm never went off. I had set it; I just forgot to turn it on. My roommate woke me up 5 minutes after she wanted to leave for work. Thankfully, she was gracious and kind about me oversleeping and told me to not worry about it.

But still, waking up late sets the tone for the day and mine was off all day.

I missed our staff devotions because when I got to school I discovered a bunch of little things that I had forgotten to do to prepare for the day. I felt like I was behind all day.

I texted the guy I had a date with on Friday night (date #4) to say that I had a good time and thanks for dinner. And any chance of seeing him again. Though I know the date went well, and despite the fact that I know he's a mellow, laid back guy, despite the fact that it's only date #4, his response made me anxious. Does he not like me? Does he not like me as much as I thought? What's going on?

That evening I was all out of sorts. I was anxious, agitated, and tired. I succumbed to tears. Those tears and snuggling my roommate's kitty helped a bit. I also took some time to use my EBT skills and do a "cycle" to go through my feelings, essential pains, and earned rewards of struggling through this. I felt somewhat lifted by listening to my body.

But when I went to bed, more tears came. That's when I finally cried out to Jesus.



Jesus, I need your help here. I'm feeling anxious. I don't know what to do. Help me through this. Take this burden and this worry from me tonight. Help me to sleep in Your peace.

And I slept. Peacefully in the arms of Jesus. Thanks be to God.

Saved $2.25, Gained A Lot More

Tuesday, I decided to take my exercise clothes to work so I could walk from my office to my mother's office after work to carpool home. I saved the $2.25 bus fare and enjoyed the sunshine, but I gained so much more.

As you can tell from the gap in the posts, I have been very busy this month. I was offered a job. In Utah. I was continuing interviews with several other employers and waiting for their decisions. My boyfriend is shipping out to Navy boot camp in a few weeks. I went out of town to visit for several days and then house-sat/dog-sat for two weeks. Lots going on for sure and lots of stress.

At 3:30 I changed into my workout clothes, closed up the office and hit the road. At first I missed my usual music, but after a few blocks I was glad to be without it. I let my mind wander over recent events- the job offered, the jobs I didn't get, my boyfriend, my boyfriend leaving, what will happen to our relationship, moving to Utah...enjoy the sunshine. As I said in a previous post, Urban Hiking is more than just a walk it's a time to think.

On Sunday at church with my boyfriend and his family we were talking about the Patriarchs and how God gave them promises for their future, sometimes unbelievable promises, such as Sarai having a baby when she was old and barren. I jokingly said "wouldn't it be great if God would give us big neon billboards so we would know what to do?" On my walk I realized that I had gotten what I asked for. The school in Utah offered me the job. I held out on accepting the job while I waited for other schools to make final decisions. Door after door closed, yet the door in Utah remained open. Ok, God, I get the message from this giant neon billboard- You want me to go to Utah.

I continued to reflect throughout the evening and realized that I had let myself get so consumed by stress (see above situations) and by fear and anxiety about making a big move that I forgot to be grateful. Grateful that God has answered, in His perfect time and in His perfect way, my prayer asking Him to give me a classroom of my own where I can teach full time again, to be active in Lutheran School ministry full-time again.

During my Tuesday night Bible study group's prayer time I started crying. (I don't think I have cried more in any one place other than my home than I have at my Bible study.) I felt sad that I had been so consumed by my fears about moving that I forgot to be grateful. Guilty that I had spent so much time being sad about the things I would be giving up here that I forgot to look at what I might gain. Praise God that He is more faithful than I; He never lost sight of me even when I took my eyes off of Him.

I saved $2.25 by walking instead of taking the bus, but I gained a whole lot more.