God Speaks

I thought that not getting the job in Denver was a great disappointment. For several days I dragged myself around feeling very sad and disappointed. I was probably not much fun to be with because on top of that, my family, who I had hoped was coming to visit my birthday week, had a change of plans so I wasn't going to get to see them, either. I was just sad and blue for several days. Even when interviewing with another school about a teaching position closer to my brother's family. I just couldn't get excited about it.

A few days have passed and I'm not so sad anymore.

There's that relationship being revived again. And I'm starting to hope again. I keep seeing reminders to hope in what could be. Today, I had a reminder that maybe my disappointment at not getting the job in Denver could be leading me to other blessings. Perhaps the blessing of a renewed relationship with someone I was deeply in love with and want to love again. (A line from "Pride and Prejudice" keeps running through my mind. Jane Bennett says something like, "I'm very much in danger of falling in love with him as much as I was before (or something like that).)

From the devotion at Proverbs 31:
http://proverbs31.org/devotions/devo/when-your-circumstances-feel-like-chains/

Are you feeling chained back from your dreams? I encourage you to read this devotion from Proverbs 31 Ministries.

Go Ahead and Dream

Well, between last night's devotion and this morning's Facebook memories, I think there's a message that I need to just go ahead and dream.

This was in my devotion book last night:
"Rest in me, my child. Give your mind a break from planning and trying to anticipate what will happen. Pray continually, asking my spirit to take charge of the details of this day. Remember that you are on a journey with Me. When you try to peer into the future and plan for every possibility, you ignore your constant Companion, who sustains you moment by moment. As you gaze anxiously into the distance, you don't even feel the strong grip of My hand holding yours. How foolish you are, My child!" (From the book "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young)

I have often prayed, in the past, for God to give me an obvious sign (like a flaking neon billboard) about what He wants me to do. Here I didn't even ask for that, but it seems I have my answer, "go ahead and dream, hope, My child. I will see you through this, no matter what."

So I guess the next step is to boldly move forward, without doubt or hesitation, trusting that God is good and in control.

Oh, here's another reminder...as I'm writing these last words, a song comes on in the background.

Hope

I'm afraid to hope. It seems lately that when I hope for things that they don't come true.

I sometimes dream of what could be if... I'm not afraid to dream. I'm just afraid to hope that those dreams will come true.

I dreamed of what it would be like to move to my dream school/church in Denver. To be near my grandma. To be part of a ministry that actually reaches beyond it's doors to serve it's neighbors. I loved this dream so much. I hoped that this would come true. I prayed fervently; it seemed that God had put this dream in my heart so I prayed that He would fulfill it.

That dream grew and filled my heart. At times I became anxious that it might not work out; in those moments I turned that fear over to God by simply telling Him about it and asking Him to help me through those moments. And I prayed for the school, too, as the principal sorted out staff transitions that a "just right" place might work out for me.

And then I heard from them. It was not going to work out. I felt so sad. I had dared to dream and hope that this dream might come true. But it didn't. And I was extremely disappointed. Not quite crushed, but more than sad. I felt a little deflated.

And now another possible opportunity may be presenting itself, in another area of my life. And I've thought a bit about "what if...." but I'm scared to let myself dream about the possibilities of what the future could hold. This opportunity has presented itself before in the past and things didn't turn out well. I want this opportunity to be different than before. To have a better ending. But I'm a little scared to hope. I've hoped for this twice before, but both times felt hurt. Yet this opportunity has come back again, this opportunity that I wanted so much the first two times but feel so scared to admit to still wanting it. Maybe I'm not afraid to hope for it, but I'm afraid to admit I'm hoping for it. I'm afraid to let this hope get too big because I could get hurt big.

I guess they always say "go big or go home"... so maybe I will hope and dream for this to turn out differently this time.

Lord, I give this dream, this hope to You. Guide me. Help me to dream big and trust that You've got this, that You will work out what is best for me. I trust You, Lord, to do this.

Visions and Dreams

I spent all last week waiting to hear from him. I released my white-knuckle grasp and gave things over to God. It wasn't easy, I kept trying to take it back, but I at least loosened my grasp.

On Monday, I had visions of him coming back to me with my arms wide open and tears spilling down my cheeks. After a email message from my grandma, who had previously encouraged me to give him space, I sent him a tender loving message as she was now advising. I apologized for being needy and clingy earlier last week and for adding to his stress burden. He apologized for pushing me away and said work and stress compounded by my anxiety had caused him to freak out. And just as I had envisioned, I had tears streaming down my face. I felt tears of joy that we had come back together.

He is back in my arms (figuratively).... sort of. He's still at a distance. Still working on saving his business and dealing with client issues.

Monday night, I had a dream of myself holding a very fragile bubble. I have been given a gift of him communicating with me again on Monday and assuring me of his love. Now, how do I proceed with this relationship? I feel afraid that it is in a fragile state right now. How do I proceed with my life, with loving him and supporting him when things feel fragile right now?

On Monday night, this is how I imagined my relationship status - I am holding a fragile bubble. See Rule #1.

I know, in my head, that things aren't always going to be happy. We aren't always going to feel the euphoric high and intense feelings we felt the first weeks after meeting. (Today, I read a great article shared by eHarmony, the dating website where we met, that was all about happiness in relationships. It had some great thoughts on this topic of happiness in relationships. Read it here.) So, I ask myself and some godly women I know: how do I love and support him when I am feeling a distance between us? When the happy high is gone and we are in the midst of real-life tough stuff - how do I love him and support him?

I want to ask him these things, and I will ask him. But how do I ask him, when it's hard to get a response?

“Communication to a relationship is like Oxygen to life. Without it … it dies.”  

– Tony Gaskins

(From the great eHarmony series of articles on relationships. Read it here.) I fear that without a visit soon, without physical contact, that this distance will continue to grow between us. I'm a fan of the "Five Love Languages" stuff by Gary Chapman (learn more here). My strongest love languages are physical touch and quality time. A long-distance relationship makes doing both of those hard. So how do we keep love alive when my strongest love languages are hardest to do? Gary Chapman has some ideas, but how do I use those, when the expressions of love should come from him to me, not from me to me?

"I am frequently asked how to apply the 5 love languages in long-distance relationships. Physical touch and quality time are particularly challenging in these instances. The simple answer is this: you must be creative and committed to staying connected despite the distance." (Read more here.)

I don't have the answers... yet. I'm going to keep praying on these things and seeking godly counsel to see what I can learn about myself, relationships, and this relationship.

Update: Last night, I had another vision as I slept. My prayer to God,  before falling into an exhausted but peaceful sleep, was that He would show me what I need to do.

Bubbles aren't meant to be held, they are made to float and fly. I love him and value our relationship too much to hold on, I need to let it be free. I need to give him space to soar. And I need to give myself the freedom to love freely and live my life without fear.