Paradox

I'm tired. I could use a bit more sleep. But I want to go do things, fun things.

I'm hungry and should have some breakfast. But I don't want to eat.

Yoga felt so good this morning. But I'm so tight and inflexible.

I'm a mess. I'm amazing.

I know what I need. I don't know what I need.

The scale says I'm up 5 pounds more than I want. My pants (actual fitted pants, not leggings or stretchy pants) are tighter in the waist than I'd like. I don't like the way my belly look. I love my shape when I'm in my workout wear.

I just need to get thoughts out and maybe I'll figure out what's at the heart of things. 

My friend died yesterday. I was teary off and on at work yesterday. So glad I work in a Christian school where I can openly talk with my students and coworkers about the hope of the resurrection and my gratitude that my friend is with Jesus and no longer in pain.

I got teary again during yoga just now. But I think it was tears of tiredness. I'm worn out, mentally. My sweet little 10 are exhausting. My friend died. I'm working so much. I'm trying to eat healthy, homemade meals. I'm trying to get enough sleep. I'm trying to move enough. I'm trying to do yoga for better flexibility. I'm trying, I'm trying, I'm trying.... I'm exhausted.

I'm exhausted and just going through the motions sometimes. I know I'm not alone. I just talked with a friend last night who is also exhausted from everything. Sometimes I feel afraid that I've lost sight of what I love and I'm just trying to survive. I don't want to live like that. I don't want another year like that. I don't want another month like that. I don't want another day like that or even another hour. I want more.

(Cue Little Mermaid.... I want mooooore!)

I need to eat and I need a little morning nap.
Oh, and I need to make a grocery list and put in a load of towels to wash. ....ugh. I know I'll survive. I'll find the juicy life again. I'll see the light in the darkness. I'll see hope. I'll feel joy. I'm going to start with breakfast and a nap while towels are in the wash. I got this. God's got me. Lets go do this!

God Speaks

I thought that not getting the job in Denver was a great disappointment. For several days I dragged myself around feeling very sad and disappointed. I was probably not much fun to be with because on top of that, my family, who I had hoped was coming to visit my birthday week, had a change of plans so I wasn't going to get to see them, either. I was just sad and blue for several days. Even when interviewing with another school about a teaching position closer to my brother's family. I just couldn't get excited about it.

A few days have passed and I'm not so sad anymore.

There's that relationship being revived again. And I'm starting to hope again. I keep seeing reminders to hope in what could be. Today, I had a reminder that maybe my disappointment at not getting the job in Denver could be leading me to other blessings. Perhaps the blessing of a renewed relationship with someone I was deeply in love with and want to love again. (A line from "Pride and Prejudice" keeps running through my mind. Jane Bennett says something like, "I'm very much in danger of falling in love with him as much as I was before (or something like that).)

From the devotion at Proverbs 31:
http://proverbs31.org/devotions/devo/when-your-circumstances-feel-like-chains/

Are you feeling chained back from your dreams? I encourage you to read this devotion from Proverbs 31 Ministries.

Go Ahead and Dream

Well, between last night's devotion and this morning's Facebook memories, I think there's a message that I need to just go ahead and dream.

This was in my devotion book last night:
"Rest in me, my child. Give your mind a break from planning and trying to anticipate what will happen. Pray continually, asking my spirit to take charge of the details of this day. Remember that you are on a journey with Me. When you try to peer into the future and plan for every possibility, you ignore your constant Companion, who sustains you moment by moment. As you gaze anxiously into the distance, you don't even feel the strong grip of My hand holding yours. How foolish you are, My child!" (From the book "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young)

I have often prayed, in the past, for God to give me an obvious sign (like a flaking neon billboard) about what He wants me to do. Here I didn't even ask for that, but it seems I have my answer, "go ahead and dream, hope, My child. I will see you through this, no matter what."

So I guess the next step is to boldly move forward, without doubt or hesitation, trusting that God is good and in control.

Oh, here's another reminder...as I'm writing these last words, a song comes on in the background.

New Chapter

Mike Weaver, the lead singer of Big Daddy Weave, reported in an interview that they were scheduled to sing this song live at the same time his brother, part of the band, was in the hospital for a mysterious blood infection that led to a double amputation of his feet. And they weren't sure how they could sing this song during such a difficult time, but they were reminded that Jay's story isn't over. (Read more here.)

"If I told you my story
You would hear hope that wouldn't let go
If I told you my story
You would hear love that never gave up
If I told you my story
You would hear life but it wasn't mine

If I should speak then let it be

Of the grace that is greater than all my sin
Of when justice was served and where mercy wins
Of the kindness of Jesus that draws me in
To tell you my story is to tell of Him"

I read this story on Facebook, right after my morning devotion from Proverbs 31 Ministries about the importance of friendship (read it here). I was on my way to go to pick up my friend Chloe on my way to a very important doctor's appointment and I was very grateful that she was accompanying me.

Back in March at my annual physical, my doctor was doing my pelvic exam and we discovered that I was very tender. He had me scheduled an ultrasound exam for a week later. My doctor said the exam showed a cyst on my ovary, but that was normal during a menstrual cycle, so he wanted to have another ultrasound done in six weeks to see how it changed (because it's supposed to change). 

At the follow up ultrasound in May the doctor saw something that concerned him - continued growth of the cyst so he referred me to a gynecologist for further tests and treatment, which brings us to the day that I read the story on Facebook about Jay Weaver facing a double foot amputation. 

The song, the devotion, reminded me that whatever happens at the doctor's office, I am blessed to have my good friend Chloe go through this with me, and that God will use this experience as part of my story. My story is not over, no matter what the doctor diagnoses me with.

My gynecologist reviewed my primary care physician's notes and the ultrasound information and then said what he thought it might be - endometriosis or ovarian cancer. 

I took a deep breath and listened. 

He and I talked about my symptoms and the next steps. He sent me to get some blood drawn and referred me to get an MRI so he could get a better picture of what's going on inside of me. He said if it's endometriosis it might be treatable with birth control hormones, and if it's cancer he knows a great oncologist just across the street. 

The comic I read while I breathed and got my blood drawn.

And then I took another deep breath, then I went to get my blood drawn. And I kept breathing through the blood draw.

And I kept breathing on the drive home. 

And as I breathed, I reminded myself that no matter what this turns out to be my story isn't over. This is the next chapter of my story. Perhaps my story will be helpful to someone. Or perhaps someone else's story will help and encourage me. But no matter what, God's not done with me yet. This is not the end - it is a new chapter. Another beginning.

Hope

Why do we open ourselves up to love after repeatedly getting hurt?

Why do we keep trying, even after we make fools of ourselves over the wrong person?

Hope.

We hope it will be different the next time.
We hope the next person will be different. We hope.
We don't give up; we keep hoping for a better future.

Something, someone gives us a glimmer of hope.

A smile. 

A song.
A meme on facebook.
A word from a friend.

No matter how much the last time hurt, we eventually try again. So, while I tell my girl friends that I'm swearing off men, I don't mean permanently. Just taking a break to give myself time to heal from hurt and reflect on what I learned from this experience.

This time around just reinforced something I previously learned. Unfortunately, I had to relearn, reinforce it, the hard, painful way. I have a big, loving heart that keeps hoping.

I'm not going to give up on love. It is still worth hoping for.

Free Advice

I was chatting with a friend yesterday who said they were hoping to get their body back; the body they had when they were 19 years old (10 years ago). What I told them is some of the things I learned to tell myself along my journey. I hope that you find these words helpful and encouraging.

1. What's your goal and is your goal realistic?
Can you really get back the body you had 10 years ago (or however long ago)? For me, the goal wasn't a size but a feeling. Actually, several feelings. Feelings of confidence, comfort (in my own skin), sexiness. I wanted to be able to run and play with my niece and nephew and students. Those goals I reached a long time before I reached a weight/size goal. Don't expect a quick fix plan (like shakes, wraps, or diet pills, etc.) to be sustainable. Find what works for your life- your REAL life.

2. How are you going to get there?
I had to stop HOPING that things would change, so I sat down and made a year-long plan. I mapped out where I wanted to be a year later, then broke down into smaller increments quarterly, then monthly of where I wanted to be. Then I made a plan for small changes to make each month to my activity level and eating. Making small changes over time has made it reasonable and helped me stick with it.

3. Don't expect perfection, just improvement.
You aren't perfect, allow yourself  forgiveness for mistakes in the past and the future. I had to tell myself this all the time. There will be plateaus. It's a good time to take stock of what's worked and where you are. Give your body a break if you've been working really hard. The body needs time to recover.

4. Don't forget to celebrate the small milestones along the way.
Every time I could tighten my belt another notch or had to buy new pants, I celebrated. I wasn't at my goal, but I was not where I had been. Now I can't even wear that belt, it's too big and there's not enough notches.

5. Don't forget your body needs rest to recover.
This kind of goes along with #3 about plateaus being a time to recover. Lifting weights and building muscle begins by tearing the muscle. It's the rebuilding of the muscle that causes it to grow. In order to rebuild and grow the muscle needs rest. Alternate body parts on weight lifting days and give yourself one or two days completely off each week. (*NOTE: I'm not an expert, but this is part of every expert's advice that I've ever heard or read. Always talk to your doctor or medical professional for what will be right for you.)

6. Mix it up.
Don't keep doing the same workout (cardio, weights) every day. Mix up your workouts just like you'll mix up your food. Don't eat the same meals every day for weeks, months on end. I mix up my weight training every month with a new routine. I added time to my cardio (walking) over several months. When I reached the 1 hour mark, I tried to increase my speed so I could go a greater distance in the same amount of time. Now I'm working on training for running a 5k with the "Couch to 5k" app.

You get what you pay for, but that's my two cents for those hoping to make a change. Don't just HOPE that it will happen- MAKE it happen.

Fear Not!

This week I have spent too much time living in fear. Fear for my health, fear for a loved one, and fear for a relationship. These are all good things to be concerned about, but not to live in fear about.

I really needed these words this week.

Last night I feared for my health after a traumatic blood donation reaction. I had a vasovagal response (or syncope) which resulted in me fainting and a few other things (want to know more? click here). Anyway, a friend who's a nurse prescribed rest, hydration, and increased salt intake. I felt wiped out the rest of the evening, took a nap, had dinner, then went to bed early. After sleeping for 10 hours I'm feeling much better... now to clean up my roommate's car so it smells better.

The big fears that took up my time and energy this week were for the guy I'm dating and our relationship. The first part of the week was consumed by a lot of unbalanced fear. In hind-sight, I strongly believe it was the devil trying to get a foothold and trying to shake my faith - my faith in God and my faith in this person. I was overwhelmed by fears to the point of despair.

I turned to my pastor, and some wise, godly women, as well as God's Word for strength and encouragement. I'm still concerned for my guy and our relationship, but no more unbalanced fear. On Thursday morning I determined that throughout the day if I felt concerned for him, instead of worrying that I would pray this simple sentence prayer: God, give him peace. On Friday, my prayer again was simple: Lord, give me strength.

Today, I woke up feeling drained from both the stressful week and the traumatic events of my blood donation yesterday. My prayer today has been a bit more complex: Lord, let him feel in his heart that I am praying for him and loving him and trusting him. Lord, give him mental clarity to fix this, to find resolution for his business. Help him know that if he needs to be at work next week and not visit until later that I will be ok. Help me to trust that he is doing what's best for him and best for us. Help me give room to let him lead our relationship.

Throughout the day when I've thought of this man and our relationship I have prayed some variation of these words. While out at lunch I prayed. On the way home from the movie theater I prayed. Shopping in Walmart I prayed! While writing this blog I am praying. I may do some deeper prayer around this, including journaling and reading my Bible, but I am determined to not lose hope, to trust in the Lord, and to love myself and him through this tough situation. I will find my strength that God has given me and I will support him as well. God has good things in store (Jeremiah 29:11) for me and for him!

Peace

Good words to start the day.

These were the words that started the day with my students during our morning devotions. They were exactly the words I needed to be reminded of today. 

The devil had been getting in and taking away my hope. I'd been feeling despair over not hearing from him on the phone for several days. I had cried myself to sleep for two nights in a row and woken up in the morning crying still. I was not at peace. 

Friends and coworkers meant well but spoke in platitudes. I had lost hope and was sinking in self-pity, despair, sadness, and self-absorption. I had taken my eyes off of God and the hope and peace.

On Tuesday I had spoken with my pastor about meeting with him after work on Wednesday to talk about a different situation, but because I was so overwhelmed yesterday by these feelings of sadness that we spent most of our time talking about this. He listened patiently. And when I had finished crying and talking, he spoke softly and calmly. He helped me find hope in the situation. He helped me stop focusing on myself and my feelings and focus on my relationship and my boyfriend. His words gave me encouragement and I left determined to be more supportive and loving of him and less needy. 

Wow. The last time my guy and I had prayed together, I had asked God to help me love him more unconditionally, just as he was loving me. I guess the answer to that prayer was an opportunity to practice that. 

 My last words to him yesterday were an apology for being selfish and consumed by my feelings and a promise that I would attempt to be more supportive of him and that I trusted he would contact me when he was able. I still haven't heard from him. But the last words he texted to me were to reassure me of how much he loved me. That is enough for now. And it is enough to know that God is in control, watching over us, and will give us HIS peace.

I have a sweet song based on this verse
that I once sang for my church going through my head.
This is a great earworm today.