Constant Companion

I've been bone tired since about 4 pm today. Barely functioning. I was just going to read my devotion and go to bed, though in the back of my mind have been some subtle reminders that I haven't written on my blog in a while though it's on my to do list next to my bed. I saw that on the list as I climbed into bed to do my devotions and was determined to ignore that reminder- I am  too tired to write anything.

Yet here I am. :-)

I started reading that devotion book again, Jesus Calling, wondering if what I read this evening would inspire a blog post for tomorrow or the next day. Wanting just a few peaceful words for this evening to help me sleep well.

Instead, I got a reminder that I can trust God on this journey. He will be a Companion for me. And immediately I got the chorus line "He's my constant Companion" stuck in my head from Francesca Battistelli's song, "Constant", going through my mind.

So now I've got that blog post I was wanting to write, only it came with an earworm that I won't be able to get out of my head until I've done something about it. I knew I had to get out of bed, grab the laptop, and start writing.

On my medical journey, I'm in another waiting point. Last week I found out that I don't have cancer (or at least not likely). Based on the blood test and MRI images, it looks like endometriosis, bilateral endometriosis to be precise. I have blood-filled cysts on both ovaries. The gynecologist wants to send me to an endometriosis specialist; he also recommends surgery to have the cysts removed. So the GYN gave me a referral to the specialist and now I'm waiting to hear from his office about scheduling an appointment to talk about treatment options.

I'm no longer at the fork in the road waiting to hear if it's cancer or not. I'm now on a path and will be working with professionals to determine the best course of treatment of bilateral endometriosis for myself. Through this all, He continues to be my constant Companion.

What Does This Mean?

Driving home from volleyball  at 1:30 am, I wondered if there was a blog post in me. Is there another song and Bible verse that had touched me and helped me lately? Nothing came to mind, so I decided that when I got home I would just get ready for bed and do my nightly devotion.

As I read the thoughts for June 16th in "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young, I had to keep rereading the words of the second paragraph. It was about following a path. God will take each of us on our own unique journey; what works for one person may not work for me. What works for me may not work for others, so I should not feel overly proud of my own choices and push them on others, while I also should not feel shame or regret if what works for others doesn't work for me. God has designed a unique path for each of us to take.

But then I got to the final sentence. It has the words from Micah 6:8 in it: "act justly, love mercy, walk humbly." What does that mean? (How very Lutheran of me to ask this!) How do I apply that to my journey?

See, I had just determined, while reading prior sentences, that whatever happens in this journey I'm on, whether it's endometriosis and treatable, cancer and treatable, or cancer that is untreatable, whatever lies before me, I'm going to honor God through this journey and praise Him through this. And then of course this song by Lauren Daigle came back to me. I'd thought about it earlier today as something that I might incorporate into a future blog post.

But what does it look like to honor and praise God in the midst of this, while also walking humbly, acting justly, and loving mercy? So I decided that I should look up some of those words to get a better picture of what they mean so that I can integrate this into my journey. Here's what I found on dictionary.com.

Humble: to not be proud

If I'm walking humbly through this process, I'm not honoring myself and boasting how great I am, instead I am praising God for how good He is. NO MATTER WHAT. Hmmm... I can do that. It might be hard at times to remember to praise Him when things are tough or if the diagnosis is scary, but I can definitely work on growing in that area.

Just (root of justly): righteous; guided by truth, reason, and fairness; in accordance with standards

Acting justly in this process I will be guided by God's word (truth), and doctors (experts who will tell me the truth about the situation), and my own reason about what is best for me. I will treat the diagnosis according to standards I have for my overall health and well being, while being guided by professionals.

Mercy: an act of kindness, compassion, or favor

Ahh.... this I can do! I can treat myself with compassion and kindness during this journey. Treating myself, and others, with compassion is something I have worked very hard at over the last few years and I've made great progress. Now it will be time to really put this new skill to work. I can do this.

Hmmm... these are some interesting things to ponder. Even if God chooses to not "move the mountains I'm needing Him to move", I can walk humbly, act justly, and love mercy to bring Him glory through all of this.

New Chapter

Mike Weaver, the lead singer of Big Daddy Weave, reported in an interview that they were scheduled to sing this song live at the same time his brother, part of the band, was in the hospital for a mysterious blood infection that led to a double amputation of his feet. And they weren't sure how they could sing this song during such a difficult time, but they were reminded that Jay's story isn't over. (Read more here.)

"If I told you my story
You would hear hope that wouldn't let go
If I told you my story
You would hear love that never gave up
If I told you my story
You would hear life but it wasn't mine

If I should speak then let it be

Of the grace that is greater than all my sin
Of when justice was served and where mercy wins
Of the kindness of Jesus that draws me in
To tell you my story is to tell of Him"

I read this story on Facebook, right after my morning devotion from Proverbs 31 Ministries about the importance of friendship (read it here). I was on my way to go to pick up my friend Chloe on my way to a very important doctor's appointment and I was very grateful that she was accompanying me.

Back in March at my annual physical, my doctor was doing my pelvic exam and we discovered that I was very tender. He had me scheduled an ultrasound exam for a week later. My doctor said the exam showed a cyst on my ovary, but that was normal during a menstrual cycle, so he wanted to have another ultrasound done in six weeks to see how it changed (because it's supposed to change). 

At the follow up ultrasound in May the doctor saw something that concerned him - continued growth of the cyst so he referred me to a gynecologist for further tests and treatment, which brings us to the day that I read the story on Facebook about Jay Weaver facing a double foot amputation. 

The song, the devotion, reminded me that whatever happens at the doctor's office, I am blessed to have my good friend Chloe go through this with me, and that God will use this experience as part of my story. My story is not over, no matter what the doctor diagnoses me with.

My gynecologist reviewed my primary care physician's notes and the ultrasound information and then said what he thought it might be - endometriosis or ovarian cancer. 

I took a deep breath and listened. 

He and I talked about my symptoms and the next steps. He sent me to get some blood drawn and referred me to get an MRI so he could get a better picture of what's going on inside of me. He said if it's endometriosis it might be treatable with birth control hormones, and if it's cancer he knows a great oncologist just across the street. 

The comic I read while I breathed and got my blood drawn.

And then I took another deep breath, then I went to get my blood drawn. And I kept breathing through the blood draw.

And I kept breathing on the drive home. 

And as I breathed, I reminded myself that no matter what this turns out to be my story isn't over. This is the next chapter of my story. Perhaps my story will be helpful to someone. Or perhaps someone else's story will help and encourage me. But no matter what, God's not done with me yet. This is not the end - it is a new chapter. Another beginning.