Week Seventeen Intentions

Last week I was unfocused and off track. I was extremely stressed by a situation at work that was out of my control but severely impacted me. My body and the scale reflected that this weekend.

This week, I intend to:
* prioritize caring for myself.
* create my vision board with inspirational photos and quotes and scripture, as well as part my written goals on them
* spend less time on Facebook and Instagram (setting a timer for 25 minutes) and more time in bible study and meditation
* eat only home cooked meals
* continue yoga Sunday - Thursday morning
* do HIIT on the elliptical twice
* lift weights on Monday and Saturday
* go for long walks outdoors or on the elliptical three or more times
* ask for what I need from others to stay healthy or get the support I need

I can and will do this. And my affirmation bracelet I bought the same time as my vision board will remind me I can.

An Open Letter to My Trainer

Dear Mr. Trainer,

Ok... I do need my trainer, too.

I'm really grateful for the workouts you've put me through these last few weeks. I can feel changes happening through the focused workouts you've designed. I appreciate the focus you've given on making my body stronger and feel better. I love the challenge you've given me in my fitness training.
But this diet thing with more protein.... it's causing me some stress and frustration. You want me to eat more protein and less carbs. I just don't know how to eat more protein while eating a diet that also includes enough fruits and vegetables. I think that may be why (confession time) I ate a box of cookies this morning for breakfast.
I know. I know.

I only meant to eat one or two. I should have headed the warning from the lady who said don't open it until you're prepared to eat the whole box because it's hard to stop. I should have listened to my gut that said give the cookies to someone else because I knew they would be tempting to me.
I'm sorry.
I'm apologizing to myself and to you. I know you're investing time and energy to help me transform me. I'm investing time, energy, and money in this, too. And eating a box of cookies for breakfast defeats that. I get it. I'm not trying to undo our hard work. I'm stressed. I'm an emotional eater. I know that. You know that now, too.
I know I need to make some changes if I'm going to see the results that I want and that you are trying to give me. I promise that I'm doing my best every day. I wake up with the intention of doing the best to give my best. Please don't take this personally, it's not about your skill as a trainer - you're excellent - it's about my emotional-ness right now. I resolve each day, each moment to do my best to take care of myself. Sometimes I slip. I'll forgive myself. I'd appreciate your forgiveness, too.  I'm trying, really I am. No excuses, just an explanation.
The rest of this day will be better. ...but I still need to work on figuring out that protein - fruit/veg balance.
Sincerely,
Urban Hiker Girl

Free Advice

I was chatting with a friend yesterday who said they were hoping to get their body back; the body they had when they were 19 years old (10 years ago). What I told them is some of the things I learned to tell myself along my journey. I hope that you find these words helpful and encouraging.

1. What's your goal and is your goal realistic?
Can you really get back the body you had 10 years ago (or however long ago)? For me, the goal wasn't a size but a feeling. Actually, several feelings. Feelings of confidence, comfort (in my own skin), sexiness. I wanted to be able to run and play with my niece and nephew and students. Those goals I reached a long time before I reached a weight/size goal. Don't expect a quick fix plan (like shakes, wraps, or diet pills, etc.) to be sustainable. Find what works for your life- your REAL life.

2. How are you going to get there?
I had to stop HOPING that things would change, so I sat down and made a year-long plan. I mapped out where I wanted to be a year later, then broke down into smaller increments quarterly, then monthly of where I wanted to be. Then I made a plan for small changes to make each month to my activity level and eating. Making small changes over time has made it reasonable and helped me stick with it.

3. Don't expect perfection, just improvement.
You aren't perfect, allow yourself  forgiveness for mistakes in the past and the future. I had to tell myself this all the time. There will be plateaus. It's a good time to take stock of what's worked and where you are. Give your body a break if you've been working really hard. The body needs time to recover.

4. Don't forget to celebrate the small milestones along the way.
Every time I could tighten my belt another notch or had to buy new pants, I celebrated. I wasn't at my goal, but I was not where I had been. Now I can't even wear that belt, it's too big and there's not enough notches.

5. Don't forget your body needs rest to recover.
This kind of goes along with #3 about plateaus being a time to recover. Lifting weights and building muscle begins by tearing the muscle. It's the rebuilding of the muscle that causes it to grow. In order to rebuild and grow the muscle needs rest. Alternate body parts on weight lifting days and give yourself one or two days completely off each week. (*NOTE: I'm not an expert, but this is part of every expert's advice that I've ever heard or read. Always talk to your doctor or medical professional for what will be right for you.)

6. Mix it up.
Don't keep doing the same workout (cardio, weights) every day. Mix up your workouts just like you'll mix up your food. Don't eat the same meals every day for weeks, months on end. I mix up my weight training every month with a new routine. I added time to my cardio (walking) over several months. When I reached the 1 hour mark, I tried to increase my speed so I could go a greater distance in the same amount of time. Now I'm working on training for running a 5k with the "Couch to 5k" app.

You get what you pay for, but that's my two cents for those hoping to make a change. Don't just HOPE that it will happen- MAKE it happen.

I'm NOT a Runner...Yet!

This used to be my motto for running.

When I first started my path as the Urban Hiker Girl, one of my goals was to be able to run. I wasn't exactly sure how far or when I wanted to run, only that I wanted to be able to do it. Comfortably. I wanted to be able to run and play with my niece and nephew and my students without going out of breath quickly, without hurting my joints, and without looking awkward.

I can run now! I can chase my niece and nephew and my students and not be out of breath and not look awkward. Granted, sometimes those kids are still faster than me, but I can do it.

I've started to add jogging on the treadmill into my workouts. For a while I was mixing it in with walking by varying my pace on the treadmill every time a song on my workout playlist changed (song change = pace change).

A few months ago I downloaded the Couch to 5k app (click here to get yours!), but I didn't start using it right away. I let it sit on my phone for a while. I even contemplated deleting it because I wasn't sure I was going to use it; I kept it because I paid for it and didn't want to throw away money.

Last week I started using it. I pushed through week one. It was mostly a mental battle because of the stress I've been under; the variety in the workout was similar to how I'd been varying my treadmill workouts so the physical part wasn't too hard. But now I can say: I'm becoming a runner! Week two, day one done and more to come!

"If you run, you are a runner. It doesn't matter how fast or how far. It doesn't matter if today is your first day or if you've been running for twenty years.There is no test to pass, no license to earn, no membership card to get. You just run." ~John Bingham

Stop the World, I Want to Get Off

I've had it up to here!

I need to give myself an extra measure of grace today.

I'm stressed. I'm tired. I'm tense. I'm ready to cry. The cat keeps meowing (in a come hither, I'm in heat sort of way), I can't get the lid on the plastic container I'm packing, I keep nibbling at the fudge that I'm packaging up to give away (even though I don't want to eat it), my computer is working really slowly (and I might throw it out the window- or through the window!), and ... and I don't understand men.

I know, I know. It's the sugar. Sugar does bad things to me; it makes my body achy and makes my mind play games.

As if this season isn't stressful enough I'm dating a guy (and dating always is stressful). He seems like a pretty good guy. At least most of the time. He cheered me up earlier this evening with some funny texts. Now I want to throttle him. His last message, after I said "good night" was "cheers". Who says "cheers"? Are we toasting and I don't know it?! Or is there some other reason for a casual (platonic friends) greeting? More than likely, I'm reading too much in to this.


Ok, so given the circumstances it's not surprising that I'm feeling stressed and anxious about dating. Yes, there's the whole "sugar makes me kinda crazy thing", but there was a spot in my past where dating at this time of year caused me a lot of hurt. The sugar craze is dredging up that memory. The guy I was dating started talking to another girl while I was gone for Christmas. When he picked me up from the airport on New Years Eve he confessed this all to me and broke up with me. Jerk. So, yah, I'm coming up to this holiday with a little trepidation. I know the guy I'm dating now isn't the guy I was dating back then. I'm pretty sure (like 95%) that he likes me; he's just not good at saying it so it leaves me uncertain sometimes. (And yah, there was another guy I dated who never told me how he felt. Months after I told him I loved him he still hadn't said it back, which is a big reason I broke up with him. I needed to not only see and feel how he felt about me, but I also I needed to hear it. I told him this evening that I like him, in a text, and he never acknowledged or responded. I'm a little hurt.) I know I need to leave the past in the past. I know THIS guy is NOT THOSE guys. But the sugar is making me think crazy thoughts. I need to stop the sugar so I can stop some of the crazy thoughts. I need to stop the sugar so I can think rationally.

I need to stop the sugar. Not only is it making me crazy, it's going to make my body achy and yucky. I already noticed the yucky feeling this afternoon when working out. My body didn't have any energy to really push the cardio because I haven't been fueling it properly. My workout this evening was tough. I'm glad I went and it made me feel a little better, but I don't feel as good after as I usually do.

I need to stop the sugar and get back on track with what I know my body wants and what makes me feel good because I'm seven-tenths of a pound away from my goal weight. 0.7 pounds! And I already printed my Christmas letter saying I met my goal weight this December. I don't want to make a liar out of myself.

Somebody stop me before I drive myself crazy! Oh, wait, that somebody is me.

I'm going to bed. Not getting enough sleep will only add to the stress. So if I can't stop the world and get off, I can at least go to bed and shut the world out for several hours.

Little Gray Skirt

Come on, admit it. You have an article of clothing hanging around that you hope to fit into again some day. Am I right? Of course I am.

I have a beautiful size 8 gray pencil skirt that I've been hanging on to. I haven't worn it since I was in my early 20's (I'm now officially in  my mid-30's). But I haven't been saving it so I could fit into it again. I've been saving it as a reminder of how I want to feel again.

When I wore that skirt I felt beautiful, sexy, vibrant, alive, powerful, and so much more. When I was at my heaviest I no longer felt those things. I felt sluggish, big, awkward. I wanted to hide. I wanted to try to fool people into thinking I was smaller than I was.

The skirt has been hanging on the back of a door where I can see it as a reminder of those positive feelings I wanted to feel again. But life happens and things got hung on the hook and covered it up. But recently I started packing for my move this summer and I uncovered it and was reminded of my goal- to feel that way again.

Today as I was on my walk I realized that I feel that way again. I feel beautiful, sexy, vibrant, alive, powerful, desirable, full of life, full of desire to share myself with the world. I feel like me again. And guess what- I'm not at my goal weight yet. And that's ok.

I still have a ways to go to get to a healthy weight, but the biggest accomplishment is my positive reflection of myself. I feel like me again and I love me, whether I'm at my goal weight or not.

Goals

Originally, my goal was to make it to under 200 by the end of this year. As the weight melted off quickly in the first few months, I realized I may need to adjust that goal so I moved it to under 200 by the end of June. In May I was just a few pounds away so I decided to see if I could get there by my birthday (June 8).

Today, Saturday, the day before my birthday, is my weekly weigh in day, so I stepped on the scale this morning in eager anticipation. I had woken up feeling good, and hopeful that I was at my goal (since last week I was about a pound and a half away). According to the scale I went up about a pound; 0.8 to be exact.

I was very disappointed. I tried to remind myself of how far I've already come and to keep in mind the big picture. I tried to remind myself that yesterday was an off day and I might just be retaining water. I tried to remind myself that this is a new day and I can make it a good one. Nothing helped.

As I started my morning exercises, determined to work even harder to get to the goal of 200 pounds, my mother observed that I looked sad. As I started to explain, the tears began flowing. I've been really struggling to get past the 200 mark for the last several weeks. I just keep losing and gaining the same pound, pound and a half.

As I lamented and reflected on what's going on in my life right now and the choices I've made I was able to bring up grace, love, and most importantly, compassion for myself. Of course I would be having a hard time getting past this. This is a big milestone. I've lost a lot of weight already and my body may be trying to hang on. My own father had trouble getting past this point for several months until just a few weeks ago. Some days I've been choosing to spend time with my boyfriend before he ships out to Navy boot camp, instead of my daily walk. It all makes sense.

But it also renews my determination to keep my health a priority in my life. I'm going to review what I've been doing and think about changes I could make. I'm also going to see my nutritionist to see if she can make some recommendations to help me get past this hump. And I'm going to keep giving myself compassion, grace, and love because I'm doing the best I can and I've already come so far.