This Too Shall Pass

I'm in the best physical shape of my life.

I love my school: the staff, students, parents. Heck, I even like the school board and administrator!

I have a good circle of friends and a fairly active social life.

My spiritual life could be a little better. I don't spend enough time in personal prayer, and sometimes I've missed church. But I still have a strong faith and know God is with me.

Why do I feel so "not me"? Why don't I feel very "Becky-like"?

After spending all day yesterday horizontally, either on the couch or in bed because I'm sick, I woke up today feeling rested and feeling more like me again. (The meds helped with that, too.) So I did some more thinking about what's different.

A few days ago I thought I was in a spiritual depression because Sunday morning worship has not been feeding me for over a year. But really, the past five months I've been too tired to enjoy things I used to love: running, volleyball, and dancing. And I've had a bit more stress and not been sleeping very well.

And then it hit me....This has all been going on since about October and that's when I got two new, high energy students. And those two, combined with three other high energy kids in my class, have been draining my energy. No wonder I'm not enjoying the things I used to love - I'm too tired to do them!

my student's current motto....?

Don't get me wrong, I love all 13 of my students. They make me laugh one minute, and the next minute my jaw is on the floor and I'm scratching my head wondering "what the heck were they thinking?" One minute they are giving me hugs, telling me they love me and I'm the best teacher ever, and the next minute they are having a fit and yelling that I'm so mean and I hate them. One moment they're in rapt attention hanging on my every word, and then next minute they are so loud that they can be heard at the other end of the hallway. It's exhausting!

So I'm going to accept, without judgment, that these next couple months until school is out will be hard. I will have even less energy as the weather gets warmer and we get closer to the end of the school year because the children will be more excited and wiggly. I may have more quiet evenings and less active weekends until school is out. I'm going to love myself and those energetic kids, seek support from coworkers and parents when I need it, and remind myself that "this, too, shall pass...." (maybe not soon enough on some days!). I will treat all with compassion and without judgment.

Outta Whack

I still feel outta whack. I feel like crying over the littlest things. And I get pissed off over the littlest things. And I'm still so tired, even thought I got plenty rested this weekend. I am definitely not my best self.

I'm feeling pissed off at a friend for not responding to me for several days. A mutual friend says this person just does that some times. I know I shouldn't take it personally, but I am right now. I'm  trying to remember to give them grace and compassion - they are doing the best that they can in their life right now. It's not about me it's about them. It's their issue. They will respond to me when they are ready and able.

And I'm just so fed up with pretty much all men right now. Ok, maybe not all me. I started to think about two that I'm not disgusted with and the list was actually quite long - you can thank my brother and most adorable nephew for swinging the vote that men aren't so bad. Maybe it is just a few men in my life that I need to look at and decide if they are worth the hassle. (And right now I'm leaning towards NOT!)

Ok, and if I'm being honest, I ate sugar yesterday and today. I can feel the tension knots starting in my shoulders. I could be achy from that or from the fact that I didn't sleep well last night which lowered my stress tolerance (which led to some emotional and mindless eating). Now I'm regretting the sugar. (But it's leaving the apartment soon!)

But still, I'm disgusted with men. A few in particular. I want to delete our text histories because I'm pissed off, but really, what good will that do other than I wouldn't have to see their faces and message history listed in my message inbox.

And I'm fed up with rumor starters. A part of me wants to skip some of my favorite activities because there are rumors I'm dating this one guy at dancing, and other rumors about two different guys I might be dating at volleyball. I'm not dating any of them. They are just friends. We sometimes flirt, but mostly we just participate in the same activity together and have fun doing so. Stop spreading rumors, people. This isn't junior high, this is my life.

Gee, I was hoping that if I wrote some of this stuff down it would help clear my mind so I could sleep. Not sure that it's helping because I'm sort of getting riled up. But a moment later I can't keep my eyes open.

I need to go to bed and give myself some grace and compassion - I'm doing the best that I can right now. And when I'm ready, I'll look at what changes I need to make in my life so these darned men are less aggravating to me.

Holding Space

I recently started playing volleyball with a group of individuals very different and similar to me. We have different faith backgrounds, but are still people of faith. We are all single, but for different reasons. Some have kids, some don't. 

One person from my new circle of friends is....well, there is no one word or even a few words that can sum him up. I'm learning every day that he is more than a bass-playing beach bum. He has a deep soul, and a compassionate and loving heart with great capacity to hold things. He has an easy smile and you can tell he's still a bit of a kid at heart - just wants to love and be loved, and have fun living life. I enjoy being with him and feel content to just be still or to have fun and goof around or have a serious, deep conversation. Every experience with him touches me and changes me, for the better. 

He amazed me again, and reminded me that he is more than just a California boy who loves burritos after volleyball, when he posted something heart-felt on Facebook recently. With his permission (and links to sources he borrowed from), I am sharing it here. I love the idea of "holding space" for others, with compassion and without judgment. Thank you, Matty Boles, for allowing me to share your words here.

“Holding Space”
Where much is given, much is required. These words hold more power and value than I ever imagined. 
As human beings we are born into this world with an innate capacity for giving and receiving love and joy. Over time this gift and capacity becomes exposed to the direct and indirect sorrows and pains of the world which diminishes this pure light. 
Some of us become painfully aware of this deficit in those around us at too early an age. Some fall victim to it and are consumed by it perpetuating the storm. Some are able to find a way to grasp onto and hold tight to a hope in midst of this storm of life. 
As we make our way through this journey we can develop and increase our capacities to give, to love, on so many levels and in so many ways. The opportunities are right before us in nearly each and every moment of our lives.  
In “The Longing Child” years, circumstances and conditions left deficits of love, acceptance, and belonging. Through these came an increased sensitivity to all those around me, feeling for them and through them, learning more about myself through them, and growing to understand, accept, and genuinely loving them without condition. 
These attributes and abilities would grow with me through each stage of life. Along the way creating new and often lasting friendships with many, even some of the least expected. And on into parenthood.  
In the early parenting years with the gift of children comes a brilliant awareness and understanding of Love, and the infinite dynamics of loving. A seemingly immeasurable desire and want for the best of everything for those souls entrusted to us and placed thoughtfully in our care. With this come the grand challenge of finding and creating a healthy balance in the application of time energy and space with our children, allowing or “Holding Space” for them to grow.
In some cases that space goes from a few feet to hundreds sometimes thousands of miles. A measurable physical distance to the mind, and to the heart, an incomprehensible expanse. For this Father, a constant intellectual and emotional conundrum, contemplating and ever searching for the solution…an answer. 
This morning someone shared a thought, a unique soul now in my path along my journey that only found their way in through the concerted and loving effort of another soul who in “Holding Space” in each of our regards for years allowed for timing to do its part. A brilliant article on trust, respect, empowerment and love for others and self. An answer beautifully articulated in the right way at what feels exactly the right time. The answer easing the mind, and bringing needed peace to heart and soul. 
“Holding Space” A willingness to walk alongside another person in whatever journey they’re on without judging them, making them feel inadequate, trying to fix them, or trying to impact the outcome. When we hold space for other people, we open our hearts, offer unconditional support, and let go of judgment and control.To truly support people in their own growth, transformation, grief, etc., we can’t do it by taking their power away (ie. trying to fix their problems), shaming them (ie. implying that they should know more than they do), or overwhelming them (ie. giving them more information than they’re ready for). We have to be prepared to step to the side so that they can make their own choices, offer them unconditional love and support, give gentle guidance when it’s needed, and make them feel safe even when they make mistakes. - http://heatherplett.com/2015/03/hold-space/
If we don’t care for ourselves well in this work, we’ll suffer burnout. We are not perfect, and sometimes we still make selfish decisions, but we are doing our best. No matter who or where you are, you can do the beautiful and important work of holding space for ourselves, and other people. - http://heatherplett.com/2015/03/how-to-hold-space-for-yourself-first/

Goals

Originally, my goal was to make it to under 200 by the end of this year. As the weight melted off quickly in the first few months, I realized I may need to adjust that goal so I moved it to under 200 by the end of June. In May I was just a few pounds away so I decided to see if I could get there by my birthday (June 8).

Today, Saturday, the day before my birthday, is my weekly weigh in day, so I stepped on the scale this morning in eager anticipation. I had woken up feeling good, and hopeful that I was at my goal (since last week I was about a pound and a half away). According to the scale I went up about a pound; 0.8 to be exact.

I was very disappointed. I tried to remind myself of how far I've already come and to keep in mind the big picture. I tried to remind myself that yesterday was an off day and I might just be retaining water. I tried to remind myself that this is a new day and I can make it a good one. Nothing helped.

As I started my morning exercises, determined to work even harder to get to the goal of 200 pounds, my mother observed that I looked sad. As I started to explain, the tears began flowing. I've been really struggling to get past the 200 mark for the last several weeks. I just keep losing and gaining the same pound, pound and a half.

As I lamented and reflected on what's going on in my life right now and the choices I've made I was able to bring up grace, love, and most importantly, compassion for myself. Of course I would be having a hard time getting past this. This is a big milestone. I've lost a lot of weight already and my body may be trying to hang on. My own father had trouble getting past this point for several months until just a few weeks ago. Some days I've been choosing to spend time with my boyfriend before he ships out to Navy boot camp, instead of my daily walk. It all makes sense.

But it also renews my determination to keep my health a priority in my life. I'm going to review what I've been doing and think about changes I could make. I'm also going to see my nutritionist to see if she can make some recommendations to help me get past this hump. And I'm going to keep giving myself compassion, grace, and love because I'm doing the best I can and I've already come so far.