Life Space

"Give him space," they said. 

"If he loves you, he'll come back," they said. 

Scrolled across these words today... perfect timing!

I know THEY all meant well, but I was too afraid to let go. I was too afraid that he wouldn't come back. I was afraid of giving up something I really wanted: a loving relationship with a Christian man. I was desperate to keep it.

What I needed to hear, and what I finally told myself this weekend, was to give MYSELF space. To live my life and give myself space to be me. I had spent so much time and energy trying to keep him that I lost myself, made myself crazy, and I'm pretty sure made him crazy and question our relationship.

The devotion that this quote is from
helped start my day right.
Go to Proverbs 31 ministries to view this devotion
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Many times I feared that I'd lost him. And some of the time I would get a quick message from him saying he loves me, but those weren't often and I found myself starving for, living for those words, anxiously awaiting any contact from him. I was driving myself nuts, and the people around me.

This weekend I gave myself permission to let go, keep going, and be present - not living for when he and I will be together again. I'm not saying I'm done with the relationship, but I am giving myself space to be present in my life. To be here for myself, for my students, and for my family. And when I gave myself that permission a huge weight lifted. I feel so much less stress, so much less tension and pain in my body, and thankfully so much less emotional.

I don't know if giving him space and myself space will make him come back, but there is great freedom in letting go of trying to control everything. I can only control myself and that is a huge blessing.

Words I needed to hear today.

Fear Not!

This week I have spent too much time living in fear. Fear for my health, fear for a loved one, and fear for a relationship. These are all good things to be concerned about, but not to live in fear about.

I really needed these words this week.

Last night I feared for my health after a traumatic blood donation reaction. I had a vasovagal response (or syncope) which resulted in me fainting and a few other things (want to know more? click here). Anyway, a friend who's a nurse prescribed rest, hydration, and increased salt intake. I felt wiped out the rest of the evening, took a nap, had dinner, then went to bed early. After sleeping for 10 hours I'm feeling much better... now to clean up my roommate's car so it smells better.

The big fears that took up my time and energy this week were for the guy I'm dating and our relationship. The first part of the week was consumed by a lot of unbalanced fear. In hind-sight, I strongly believe it was the devil trying to get a foothold and trying to shake my faith - my faith in God and my faith in this person. I was overwhelmed by fears to the point of despair.

I turned to my pastor, and some wise, godly women, as well as God's Word for strength and encouragement. I'm still concerned for my guy and our relationship, but no more unbalanced fear. On Thursday morning I determined that throughout the day if I felt concerned for him, instead of worrying that I would pray this simple sentence prayer: God, give him peace. On Friday, my prayer again was simple: Lord, give me strength.

Today, I woke up feeling drained from both the stressful week and the traumatic events of my blood donation yesterday. My prayer today has been a bit more complex: Lord, let him feel in his heart that I am praying for him and loving him and trusting him. Lord, give him mental clarity to fix this, to find resolution for his business. Help him know that if he needs to be at work next week and not visit until later that I will be ok. Help me to trust that he is doing what's best for him and best for us. Help me give room to let him lead our relationship.

Throughout the day when I've thought of this man and our relationship I have prayed some variation of these words. While out at lunch I prayed. On the way home from the movie theater I prayed. Shopping in Walmart I prayed! While writing this blog I am praying. I may do some deeper prayer around this, including journaling and reading my Bible, but I am determined to not lose hope, to trust in the Lord, and to love myself and him through this tough situation. I will find my strength that God has given me and I will support him as well. God has good things in store (Jeremiah 29:11) for me and for him!

Peace

Good words to start the day.

These were the words that started the day with my students during our morning devotions. They were exactly the words I needed to be reminded of today. 

The devil had been getting in and taking away my hope. I'd been feeling despair over not hearing from him on the phone for several days. I had cried myself to sleep for two nights in a row and woken up in the morning crying still. I was not at peace. 

Friends and coworkers meant well but spoke in platitudes. I had lost hope and was sinking in self-pity, despair, sadness, and self-absorption. I had taken my eyes off of God and the hope and peace.

On Tuesday I had spoken with my pastor about meeting with him after work on Wednesday to talk about a different situation, but because I was so overwhelmed yesterday by these feelings of sadness that we spent most of our time talking about this. He listened patiently. And when I had finished crying and talking, he spoke softly and calmly. He helped me find hope in the situation. He helped me stop focusing on myself and my feelings and focus on my relationship and my boyfriend. His words gave me encouragement and I left determined to be more supportive and loving of him and less needy. 

Wow. The last time my guy and I had prayed together, I had asked God to help me love him more unconditionally, just as he was loving me. I guess the answer to that prayer was an opportunity to practice that. 

 My last words to him yesterday were an apology for being selfish and consumed by my feelings and a promise that I would attempt to be more supportive of him and that I trusted he would contact me when he was able. I still haven't heard from him. But the last words he texted to me were to reassure me of how much he loved me. That is enough for now. And it is enough to know that God is in control, watching over us, and will give us HIS peace.

I have a sweet song based on this verse
that I once sang for my church going through my head.
This is a great earworm today.