Bad Habit

Facebook reminded me of a post today that I made in this blog one year ago. (read it here) It was about being too busy. And just before I opened up Facebook, I'd been laying in bed thinking about how I am too busy lately, and I need to take stock of what I've been doing lately and evaluate what's most important to me. 

Something's gotta give and unfortunately it's been my health lately. I was commenting to my trainer that I am too mentally and physically exhausted to work out this weekend even though I'm "supposed to". Poor eating habits and lack of sleep at night so my body feels off. My digestive system has been feeling unhappy this week and I've noticed that my skin and face are lacking their usual glow. I don't like the way all of this is making me feel.

Skip ahead a few days as I revisit the start of this post. I dictated the first part into my phone's Blogger app over the weekend. Tonight, I'm sitting at home, having just watched last night's episode of Dancing With The Stars. Usually I'm out dancing at the Gallivan Center to live big band music on Tuesday nights, but tonight I listened to my body. I'm tired from not enough sleep, my knee was feeling funny as I walked upstairs to my apartment on my way home from work, and I just wasn't sure the weather was going to be nice enough for dancing outdoors (since my phone app kept giving me severe weather alerts). Bearing in mind my need to listen to my body and my desire to play volleyball tomorrow night (and possibly Thursday night), I decided that it would be in my best interest to stay home tonight and rest.

This bad habit of being too busy is hard to break (since I'm still working on it a year later), but I am working on it. Reflecting on my gratitude for listening to my body is a big step in this process. Yes, I'm sad that I missed the dance event this evening, especially because these outdoor concerts will be ending soon since fall is arriving. But I'm also grateful that I had a fun, full day today, and that I have a fun, full day to look forward to tomorrow. And I'm grateful that I had some time at home this evening to put my feet up and slow down. Hopefully by listening to my body tonight I'll be able to enjoy volleyball (and Sonic afterwards) tomorrow without my body reminding me of regrets for not listening and caring for myself.

But check on me, just in case, to make sure I'm checking in with myself and listening to my body.... it's still a habit in progress.

Listening, Prayers, and Relief

Yesterday was a rough day.

I woke up late. My alarm never went off. I had set it; I just forgot to turn it on. My roommate woke me up 5 minutes after she wanted to leave for work. Thankfully, she was gracious and kind about me oversleeping and told me to not worry about it.

But still, waking up late sets the tone for the day and mine was off all day.

I missed our staff devotions because when I got to school I discovered a bunch of little things that I had forgotten to do to prepare for the day. I felt like I was behind all day.

I texted the guy I had a date with on Friday night (date #4) to say that I had a good time and thanks for dinner. And any chance of seeing him again. Though I know the date went well, and despite the fact that I know he's a mellow, laid back guy, despite the fact that it's only date #4, his response made me anxious. Does he not like me? Does he not like me as much as I thought? What's going on?

That evening I was all out of sorts. I was anxious, agitated, and tired. I succumbed to tears. Those tears and snuggling my roommate's kitty helped a bit. I also took some time to use my EBT skills and do a "cycle" to go through my feelings, essential pains, and earned rewards of struggling through this. I felt somewhat lifted by listening to my body.

But when I went to bed, more tears came. That's when I finally cried out to Jesus.



Jesus, I need your help here. I'm feeling anxious. I don't know what to do. Help me through this. Take this burden and this worry from me tonight. Help me to sleep in Your peace.

And I slept. Peacefully in the arms of Jesus. Thanks be to God.

Here We Go Again

Time to be honest with myself. I don't like the way I've been eating the last two weeks. I made excuses that it was hard to eat at home because of the clutter from unpacking and that it was easier to eat out. But really, hamburgers, ice cream, and french fries with every meal are not a good choice (even if they're from Chik-fil-A?).
I told myself it would be ok- I was burning extra calories from the manual labor of moving boxes and unpacking. ...and then I stepped on the scale last weekend to discover that I had undone most of the good I had done at my last weigh in (losing over three pounds). I'm up a pound and a half. Argh.
I started making small changes, better choices in my eating this week on some occasions. I started back on my walking (treadmill or elliptical machine) a few times. One time when we (my roommate and I) were out running errands I asked to find somewhere healthy; we found a grocery store where I got a fresh Cobb salad (yum- hard boiled eggs and bacon!). And yesterday, instead of suggesting we go grab lunch, I made a salad instead (50/50 spring mix, goat cheese, pecans, some fresh cherries (sliced), and balsamic vinaigrette).
Despite making these small, better changes I'm still up that pound and a half; the scale hasn't moved down again this week. I think it's the ice cream, hamburger with onion rings, etc. that I also ate this week. It's no wonder I woke up with a stomach ache this morning and negative self-thoughts going through my head.
So, I just listened.
I listened for a moment to the negative self-thoughts (I'm getting so fat. I can't believe I'm doing this. etc.) and then I stopped. Why am I thinking this way, I asked myself. It's the food, I realized. Not only does it make me feel bloated and upset my stomach, it's also somehow connected to my thinking. I've been eating some not good for me food, so I'm feeling not good and thinking not good. And in that moment -  not the times I've stepped on the scale this week to check my weight, not the times I ordered the crappy food knowing it wasn't good for me, not the times I woke up with stomach aches, not the times I complained to myself about the breakouts on my chin caused by eating crappy food - in the moment I stopped to listen to my body, to really listen, I heard the answer.
I need to stop what I'm doing and make a change because it's affecting the way I feel physically and the way I think about myself. I like myself. I love myself. I love my new body and how amazing it is that my body has carried me to this point in my life. I love that my body is continually changing. I love that my body allows me to pick up heavy boxes, run (ok, slowly jog) on the treadmill, do lunges and squats (even though I hate doing them), and I love my body because it's beautiful.
So here's to me and to another chance today to listen to myself and take care of my beautiful, wonderful body and all that it allows me to do.