Uncomfortable and Unsure

Confession: All week I've felt bloated and been gassy.

I'm sorry, I know it's not lady-like and perhaps it's TMI. But it happens to all of us, right? And hey, this is my personal blog you're reading, so it's like you're reading my diary of sorts.

I've been uncomfortable in my own skin all week. My clothes feel like they fit a little differently- uncomfortably- even though the scale doesn't say I've gained weight. But this discomfort has been affecting my thoughts, mood, and emotions.

I've noticed this week that I've questioned if my guy likes me. Nothing in the way he interacts with me has changed for the worse, so where do these doubts come from? I can only conclude that it's because I'm not happy with me. (In fact, things seem a bit better between us. I've been distant because I haven't felt good and he's seemed more eager to reach out to me, which is a good thing I believe.)

Reflecting on my food choices this week, I've stayed in my calorie limits and I don't think I've eaten anything terribly bad for me. In fact, I've eaten mostly good homemade dinners, which isn't always the case. But I've eaten rushed meals or eaten later in the evening than usual. I suspect that these may be culprits in my "stomach problems".

I also think I've missed out on eating enough veggies. That, I think, could be another big problem. Tomorrow, I'm back to my big salad for lunch routine. And if I get to bed soon and sleep well, I'm getting back to my workout routine after taking the past two days off for various reasons. (I know I shouldn't workout 7 days a week because the body needs rest, but I didn't even have energy for a short, moderately paced walk today that I was hoping to get in.)

So, while I'm feeling uncomfortable in my skin and having moments of doubt about my relationship (wondering if he still actually likes me, I know I still like him), I have realized it's not a good time to make any decisions (about the relationship, or other major things). I need to take care of myself and try to get back to status quo with my food, exercise, and sleep. I need to care for my physical self which will then help care for my emotional self- starting now. It's time for bed. Hopefully a good night's sleep, a salad for lunch tomorrow, and I'll start to feel like a new woman, my old self again.

Here We Go Again

Time to be honest with myself. I don't like the way I've been eating the last two weeks. I made excuses that it was hard to eat at home because of the clutter from unpacking and that it was easier to eat out. But really, hamburgers, ice cream, and french fries with every meal are not a good choice (even if they're from Chik-fil-A?).
I told myself it would be ok- I was burning extra calories from the manual labor of moving boxes and unpacking. ...and then I stepped on the scale last weekend to discover that I had undone most of the good I had done at my last weigh in (losing over three pounds). I'm up a pound and a half. Argh.
I started making small changes, better choices in my eating this week on some occasions. I started back on my walking (treadmill or elliptical machine) a few times. One time when we (my roommate and I) were out running errands I asked to find somewhere healthy; we found a grocery store where I got a fresh Cobb salad (yum- hard boiled eggs and bacon!). And yesterday, instead of suggesting we go grab lunch, I made a salad instead (50/50 spring mix, goat cheese, pecans, some fresh cherries (sliced), and balsamic vinaigrette).
Despite making these small, better changes I'm still up that pound and a half; the scale hasn't moved down again this week. I think it's the ice cream, hamburger with onion rings, etc. that I also ate this week. It's no wonder I woke up with a stomach ache this morning and negative self-thoughts going through my head.
So, I just listened.
I listened for a moment to the negative self-thoughts (I'm getting so fat. I can't believe I'm doing this. etc.) and then I stopped. Why am I thinking this way, I asked myself. It's the food, I realized. Not only does it make me feel bloated and upset my stomach, it's also somehow connected to my thinking. I've been eating some not good for me food, so I'm feeling not good and thinking not good. And in that moment -  not the times I've stepped on the scale this week to check my weight, not the times I ordered the crappy food knowing it wasn't good for me, not the times I woke up with stomach aches, not the times I complained to myself about the breakouts on my chin caused by eating crappy food - in the moment I stopped to listen to my body, to really listen, I heard the answer.
I need to stop what I'm doing and make a change because it's affecting the way I feel physically and the way I think about myself. I like myself. I love myself. I love my new body and how amazing it is that my body has carried me to this point in my life. I love that my body is continually changing. I love that my body allows me to pick up heavy boxes, run (ok, slowly jog) on the treadmill, do lunges and squats (even though I hate doing them), and I love my body because it's beautiful.
So here's to me and to another chance today to listen to myself and take care of my beautiful, wonderful body and all that it allows me to do.

Happy Birthday Weekend to Me!

It's my birthday weekend! Hooray!!

Having my birthday cookie and eating it, too!

An excuse to set aside the diet, eat cake, and enjoy, right? Well, yes and no. Yes, I have the freedom to do those things, but no, I don't think I will. I will choose to make good choices because I want to not because I have to.

I bought a cookie cake to bring to school to share with my students for my school birthday celebration today. Due to stressful events at work I ended up eating not only 1 slice of cookie cake, but two more after that. In my mind on the way to work that morning I planned to abstain because I didn't want the calories, knew I would have a hard time controlling sugar cravings if I started, and because I wanted to be able to enjoy my birthday cake tomorrow (being made by friends) without guilt of having eaten too many sweets over too many days.

That plan flew out the window, as I mentioned, due to stress. I beat myself up for a little bit, and felt the pain of too much sugar after having abstained, by choice, for a long time. But upon reflecting about WHY I made that choice I let go of my guilt and stopped beating myself up. I then made a plan to help myself feel better.

My plan was to get in as many walks (big and little) during the day as I could and to make sensible choices about my food the rest of the day. So while my class was with another teacher I went for a 25 minute walk. And I counted the whole-school trip to and from the park this afternoon. And I took myself for a long walk after school while waiting for the end of year school picnic to start. (Which reminds me, I need to wrap this up quickly because the picnic is starting now!) I also chose to not eat the big healthy salad I packed for my lunch because I was full on cookies. Yes, the salad was a healthy choice, but I knew that stuffing myself with food, even healthy food, wouldn't make me feel better. So instead I ate some peppers and hummus, and a plum. I felt great making that choice.

Now, with all the extra calories I earned from all my walking I have plenty of calories left for today so my big decision to make is: do I eat the salad I planned for lunch or do I choose wisely from the picnic foods? I think I'll go scout out the food offerings now and make a plan!

Share in the comments your strategies for surviving a potluck picnic!