The Mirror That Changed My Perspective

I went shopping this afternoon for new blue jeans. I only have two pairs and wanted a third. Fortunately, Old Navy is having a sale on jeans right now and I like the way theirs fit me so I headed over to try on jeans this afternoon.

I grabbed some 10's off the shelf, and just for the heck of it I grabbed some 8's, too, you know, just in case. The 10's fit, not too snugly, as I knew they would. With a small hope, I decided to go for the 8's. I put one foot in and then the other, afraid to breathe as I pulled them up. I was delighted to discover that they buttoned and zipped easily. Yes, easily!

But could I sit? And how did they make my butt look? And would my tummy look poochy in them?

Yes, good, and no. I could sit, my butt looked good, and no, my tummy didn't look poochy.

Ok, maybe a little poochy. I tried looking at myself in the dressing room mirror. I was skeptical. So I tried the three-way mirror in the hallway of the dressing rooms. Was that really me? Did I really look like that?

Ok, so I had also tried on a sweater, because why not. And what I saw in the dressing room as major back fat and muffin top, didn't look so bad in the better-lit three-way mirror. In fact, I looked pretty cute. Was that really me? I couldn't help but stare at myself.

Thankfully there was no one around, so I continued to examine myself from all the angles standing in the mirror. There also happened to be bench nearby so I checked out my seated view. My belly, which I still saw as enormously fat, was not so bad. Actually, it was pretty small. There is a slight roll, but my waist is so tiny now that the little roll really is a little roll. Is this really me?

Yes, it really is me and I look fabulous. I'm still having a hard time accepting that this body is mine and that it looks so good. I don't need others to tell me; I need me to see it, believe it, and reaffirm it for myself.

I look good.

I look good!

I Look Good!!!

Uncomfortable and Unsure

Confession: All week I've felt bloated and been gassy.

I'm sorry, I know it's not lady-like and perhaps it's TMI. But it happens to all of us, right? And hey, this is my personal blog you're reading, so it's like you're reading my diary of sorts.

I've been uncomfortable in my own skin all week. My clothes feel like they fit a little differently- uncomfortably- even though the scale doesn't say I've gained weight. But this discomfort has been affecting my thoughts, mood, and emotions.

I've noticed this week that I've questioned if my guy likes me. Nothing in the way he interacts with me has changed for the worse, so where do these doubts come from? I can only conclude that it's because I'm not happy with me. (In fact, things seem a bit better between us. I've been distant because I haven't felt good and he's seemed more eager to reach out to me, which is a good thing I believe.)

Reflecting on my food choices this week, I've stayed in my calorie limits and I don't think I've eaten anything terribly bad for me. In fact, I've eaten mostly good homemade dinners, which isn't always the case. But I've eaten rushed meals or eaten later in the evening than usual. I suspect that these may be culprits in my "stomach problems".

I also think I've missed out on eating enough veggies. That, I think, could be another big problem. Tomorrow, I'm back to my big salad for lunch routine. And if I get to bed soon and sleep well, I'm getting back to my workout routine after taking the past two days off for various reasons. (I know I shouldn't workout 7 days a week because the body needs rest, but I didn't even have energy for a short, moderately paced walk today that I was hoping to get in.)

So, while I'm feeling uncomfortable in my skin and having moments of doubt about my relationship (wondering if he still actually likes me, I know I still like him), I have realized it's not a good time to make any decisions (about the relationship, or other major things). I need to take care of myself and try to get back to status quo with my food, exercise, and sleep. I need to care for my physical self which will then help care for my emotional self- starting now. It's time for bed. Hopefully a good night's sleep, a salad for lunch tomorrow, and I'll start to feel like a new woman, my old self again.

The Butt, The Belly, and Self-Image

I got some new pants after Christmas. They make my butt look great. But I have to be careful or they show off a little muffin top when I'm bloated.. (Additional incentive to eat well and continue my fitness plan- my clothes look better on me.)

After a few days of being back from vacation and back to my usual workout routine my body and mind are feeling a lot better. I woke up this morning feeling pretty good about myself- until I looked at myself naked in the mirror. I saw a belly that's pouchy and a butt with some extra dimples.

When I see that I want to keep it covered. I feel grateful that it's winter and bathing suits are out of season. I feel grateful for spanx and spandex that help put things in place when dressing up. And I wonder if I can ever do enough crunches or lunges to put things back where they belong.

On days like today where I've been eating well and taking care of myself, I let those thoughts slip quickly from my mind. But I know there will probably be other days where those thoughts will nag and linger. Those are the days I fight to remember how far I've come. I fight to forgive myself for the damage I did to my body for so long and the abuse I put it through.

My body will never look the same as someone who had always maintained this healthy weight. My body bears the scars of someone whose weight has gone up and down and up again for several years. But my body is amazing and resilient. It has brought me this far and now I plan to take good care of it so it can take me many years into the future.

To my body- I'm sorry and thank you. I am grateful for your strength and support.