Week Two Intentions

I've decided to set intentions each week that will help me have freedom, life, and abundance.

This week, I intend:
* to not do any "work" work on Sunday, but instead to read or knit or color.
* to go for at least a 20 minutes walk every day after work to clear my head, get fresh air, and get my daily steps.
* to begin each work day with yoga.
* to pack my lunch each day and eat dinner at home.
* to spend no more than one hour each night on work brought home.
* to go to the fitness center twice.
* to write in my journal at least three times.
* to meditate at least twice.
* to input spending on my budget tracker twice this week.

A Set Back

Oh dear....

Dear Mr. Trainer,
Please don't be mad and yell at me. I fell off the wagon last week. I fell hard. It's time for me to refocus. Please just help me refocus.
Sincerely,
Me

It's caught up to me. My aching shoulders, my stiff knees, and my upset stomach are all signs/symptoms of my poor eating, lack of exercise, and decrease in regular sleep at night. I need to get back on track.

If I never eat at another fast food or have another sweet (at least for the rest of this month!) I'll be ok with that. Ugh. I'm so... what's the word for when you haven't eaten well, slept well, or exercised much.... and my brain won't shut off and let me go to sleep even though I'm tired. So I thought I'd write in my blog since it's been forever.

And maybe I'll diffuse some lavender or take a melatonin to help me sleep in a bit, but first I need to get some thoughts out here and share on my blog!

I've started dating this guy (he's great!) and I've let it throw me off track. I need to keep my good health goals in mind as I continue to explore this new relationship. I need to make sure my boyfriend and my health are priorities that aren't conflicting.

....Boundaries. I need some healthy boundaries. I need to say good night to him at a reasonable hour that allows me the sleep I need to feel good. Because when I sleep well, I will eat well (or at least not "cheat" and snack on sweets between meals). And when I eat well and feel rested I will then have energy to go workout, which will then help me sleep well, and the cycle repeats itself all over again.


Dear Mr. Boyfriend,
I really like you. And I really like me. I need to be healthy to be my best with you, so I'm going to work on setting some healthy limits for myself and our relationship so that I can take care of me and be my best for you. I need your support in making it ok to take care of me by allowing me to say good night to you a little earlier that we have in the past few weeks. And I already know you're ok with this because you love and respect and care for me. I already know you want what's best for me (and it's one of the many reasons I love you). Thank you for helping me take care of myself.
Love,
Me

Made in HIS Image

Dear Loved One,

It's been some time since we've talked. After our last conversation on the phone, I was very hurt. You went on and on about how beautiful I was NOW and about how I shouldn't get fat again. The unspoken message I heard was that I wasn't acceptable before and that your value of me is conditional based upon my physical beauty.

In the eyes of my Heavenly Father, the King of Kings, I am beautiful not because of how I look but because of whose I am. I am the daughter of the King, made in His image and He is perfect. His love for me is unconditional.

I know we are humans and are therefore imperfect people, but I hope we can try to love each other more like God loves us. I forgive you for what was said, but the words have left a mark. I'm feeling afraid to talk to you again because the last time we spoke it wasn't a safe conversation. I'm not sure what it will take to make it feel safe to talk t you again, but I think a good start would be to not talk about weight loss for a while.

Shalom,
Becky

Words Hurt

You said some really terrible things tonight. I'm trying to believe that you didn't mean for them to be so horrible, but they sounded pretty horrible.

You said NOW I look beautiful.
You said don't gain all that weight back.

You said I look so pretty now.

Now you want to put up pictures of me in your cubicle at work. 

You said NOW men will want to come sweep me off my feet.

I'm trying to believe that you meant to say you are so proud of me for my hard work. Or that you think I look great. Period. Not great compared to how I used to look. I look great period. I was still pretty before. I radiate now. I know. 

But your words came out quantified, like compared to before when I was fat and ugly. (I wasn't fat and ugly. I was beautiful before, too.)

You said don't go back to how I was. No one plans to get fat and gain weight (again). It's not healthy. Everyone knows that. We would all choose healthy, vibrant lives for ourselves if we could. Life isn't always easy. 

I'm afraid to tell you how your words hurt me. I'm afraid that you won't understand. Does that mean I shouldn't tell you how hurt I am? I'd like to believe that because you love me you would want to try to change, but for as long as I've known you this is how you've been. Will you ever change? 

Your love has always felt conditional. That is why we can never be as close as I'd like for us to be, perhaps as close as you'd like us to be. But I have a right to keep myself safe and being close to you doesn't feel safe. 

Why do the ones we loves the most also hurt us the most?