More Than a Number

This weekend was the final weigh-in before the holidays. Didn't lose that last 0.7 pounds last week to make my goal; in fact, I am up a bit. And guess what- I'm ok with that.

The holidays, and preparations for them, are stressful enough without the addition of weight loss. Weight loss is hard enough without the stress of the holidays. I know why the scale went up a bit this week. I didn't eat very well. I did exercise, but I didn't eat enough fruits and veggies like I like to and I ate way more sweets than I care to admit to. So yah, the scale went up a bit.

I'll keep doing what I need to do to take care of myself this week. I'll enjoy Christmas Day dinner with family and while I won't go overboard with eating, I won't worry about staying under a certain number of calories. My plan is to fill my plate with lots of veggies and protein, take the special foods that I don't get often and the foods that I enjoy. And taste the other foods. And, if something special or that is only served on special occasions isn't as good as I had hoped, I give myself permission to leave it on my plate.

I'm not worried about the number on the scale because I know I am so much more and have achieved so many great things this year.
I can run. (Slowly, but I can do it!)
I can walk a long ways.
I can hike.
I can plank.
I can chase my niece and nephew around playing football and not get winded.
I can climb rock walls.
I can dance.
I can sing.
I feel comfortable in my own skin. With and without clothes on. I can look at myself naked in the mirror and like what I see.
I can play with  my students.
I can crawl around on the floor with them.
I can walk into a crowded room and not want to be a wall flower, but rather want to mingle and meet people.
I can laugh with others and at myself.
I can speak my mind and ask for what I want and need (do you know how liberating this is!?).
I can love and be loved.
There are so many things I can do, that I'm not going to let a number on a scale bring me down.

Where Am I Going?

I've had some off weeks these last several weeks. Hence only one post in October.
I was sick for the middle portion of the month, then spent the next week trying to recover from what was missed while I was sick. While I was sick I started out taking "ok" care of myself, eating fairly well the first few days and getting enough rest, but then things changed. I didn't rest as much and therefore I was too tired to prepare the good foods I knew my body needed. I gave into cravings and tiredness. I ordered pizza and ate junk. It took me a while to get better even after I was over the cold I didn't feel good because I was full of junk.
I knew what I needed to do to feel better: eat better and get back on the exercise routine. So I did just that and started feeling better. I felt so much better that I thought I would be ok to have some candy and sweets at a Halloween party.
I was so wrong.
Today I feel awful. Friday morning I was celebrating officially being down 70 pounds this year. Today, the scale has fluctuated up again and I'm feeling lousy because of the sugar. My body aches. I have a headache. I'm feeling irritable and cranky (that's partly due, though, to the fact that I had to go in to work on my day off).
I've done some thinking the last few days. Why have I been indulging in the sugar and junk that I KNOW will make me feel lousy? Why do I do this when I'm so close to my goal that the end is in sight? Am I afraid of reaching my goal? Where am I going? I've lost sight of how far I've come and where I am headed.

I don't think that's the answer. I think I've been on this journey for so long that I stopped celebrating the small victories and celebrating myself and my progress.
So starting now I'm recognizing my accomplishment and how far I've come in this journey. Tomorrow, I'm going to go buy myself  the new jeans that I've been waiting for and deserve. I'm also going to start back on the healthy eating and exercising plan. (I've found a a great buns workout  from the TODAY show on Facebook!)
I feel proud of how far I've come.
I feel proud of the small changes I've made.
I feel proud of myself sticking with this for so long.
I feel alive.
I feel vibrant.
I feel healthy.
I feel beautiful.
I feel proud that the inner me is now available for all to see.

Milestone Reached!

As I mentioned in previous posts, I created a calendar of goals for each month. I also had some overall goals of things I wanted to be able to do again. Last night I reached on of those overall goals; I climbed a rock wall again!

The rock wall at REI

Over a month ago I signed up for an open climb night at my local REI and for various reasons had to keep postponing it. Last night I almost didn't go because it had been a long hot day, I was tired, my body wasn't well rested so I knew it wouldn't be able to perform at it's best, and I was scared that maybe I wasn't ready. I talked to a friend whom I hoped to see later that evening and he encouraged me to go and have fun. I'm so glad I did!

The instructors were great; very positive and encouraging and engaging of all the climbers. There were four climbers and two belayers (instructors from REI) so we all took turns climbing. I kind of got pushed into being first up. Since I was not sure if my body was ready for this I decided to tackle the easiest part of the wall (a 5.4, I believe, for those who know rating scales, that only went half-way up). I got so close to the bell at the top of the section, and wouldn't you know it- I looked down and lost my nerve.

I repelled back down a little disappointed and frustrated. I had almost reached my goal- to get at least half-way up- I was proud of myself for trying and for getting up there and doing it, but at the same time a little embarrassed and self-conscious as I watched the other three climbers scramble up the wall to the very top on harder sections. Of course, they also came with their own gear and have been climbing more recently than I have. It's been about 7 years since I last climbed a rock wall, so I was able to let go of that judgment and give myself grace. I had done my best. Or had I?

With a little goading/encouragement from the male staffer belaying us I decided to try the other 5.4 section that went all the way to the top. He said the grips were bigger and easier. I don't think I got more than 20 feet off the ground before I got frustrated. I didn't know where to go for the next grip and I was angry with myself. I hung out there for a sec and then in another moment of embarrassment asked to come back down.

I had some internal conversations with myself. My goal had been to climb again- I'd done that. My goal for that night was to get at least half-way up- I hadn't done that. So was I done, or was I going to try one more time? ...

I decided to try the first section one more time. I scrambled up quickly to about the point where I had

The section of the wall that I climbed.

previously quit. And then I got up one more step. The bell at the top of my section was almost within reach! And I couldn't find a good spot for my foot to give myself the final push to ring the bell! I was mad and determined to not quit! I found a spot that was where I wanted it but not quite as big as I would have liked. I put my foot on it, found some good hand holds and stood up. And there was the bell! I tapped it. It gave a little jingle. Not nearly enough noise to signal my accomplishment so I grabbed the thing and shook it again, hard! I climbed the wall! And I made it to my goal! I rock!

I repelled back down with a big smile on my face and restored confidence in my body. It has taken a lot of abuse over the years; all the crap food I've eat and the neglect I've given it, but it still was able to help me get up the rock wall and make it to my goal. Thank you, body!

I'm going to keep working on improving my fitness and next time I go back to the wall maybe I'll make it three-fourths of the way up- or maybe even to the top! Let's see what else this body can do!