The Scale

It's up again.

It was down. Now it's up again. What is going on? I'm doing everything right. Following my trainer's guidelines. But the scale keeps creeping up.

I know it's just a number. But it's bothering me. In the back of my mind I still have this fear that I'll balloon up again.

I'm trying to balance it out with positive self-talk. Reminders of how far I've come. A few pounds back doesn't mean I've lost the war.

I check in with my body to see how it feels. *deep breaths, hands on chest and stomach to check in* I feel stressed. I can feel tension in my shoulders. Lots of tension. It's the end of the school year and this has been a rough one.

I also feel comfortable in my skin. I don't feel fat. I don't feel overweight. I don't feel bloated. I feel good. Hmmm... but my pants do feel a bit snugger. I have a bit of a muffin top. I can work on that.

So, maybe I do need to get the scale number to go down a bit, but I also need to remember that I'm stressed and stress doesn't help the scale numbers or my body look or feel good. I'm going to do my best to get through the last two weeks of school. Then we'll see where things fall when that stressor is gone. I'm doing the best that I can right now....

I *Think* I May Be Stressed

I think I may be stressed.

Yah, I'm pretty sure I am. Last month was rough. There was a lot going on at school: Epiphany program which included daytime practices and an evening performance, National Lutheran Schools Week which included special dress-up days and some special events, Social Studies fair which included special classroom activities and an evening event, and that's just the work-related stuff.

I do try to have a life outside of school, though sometimes that's hard. We teachers take home papers to grade and lessons to plan, so even when the end of the day bell rings we aren't actually done with work. We could spend several hours a night on those two things alone, if we let ourselves.

I also try to take care of myself physically by cooking more at home and exercising regularly. Last month that was kind of sketchy, though by some miracle of miracles I finally managed to hit the 100 pound  mark on the last day of the month.

I know I didn't eat as well as I could have. My upset stomach most of the month and red spots currently residing on my face are proof of that. After a year of focusing on taking care of myself and noticing how my body feels in response to what I eat and the exercise I get, you'd think I'd have learned by now.

Yet here I am today, blogging about how stressed I am. I feel crappy. Yesterday I got up and weighed in and was riding a high for a few hours after discovering that I'd finally hit the 100 pound mark. So I treated myself to a lunch at Chipotle and ate 1100 calories which made me feel awful. To top that off, I ate 4 pieces of carb-loaded, greasy pizza for dinner. I don't think I had a single fruit or vegetable yesterday, except for a few dismal slivers of green pepper on the supreme supreme pizza and boy am I feeling it today.

I woke up exhausted, despite getting about 10 hours of sleep. I'm pretty sure it's a combination of having had a busy, long week last week at the end of a long month AND not eating well yesterday. So how do I feel this morning?

I'm slightly freaking out. Friday my date was great and things seemed back to normal. Today, the scale says I'm 2.3 pounds heavier than I was yesterday morning so I'm feeling bloated and uncomfortable in my own skin and questioning my relationship with the guy. The big question: Is he seeing anyone else and do I want to ask? Because if the answer is yes, than I may want to stay in my blissfully ignorant state. If the answer is no then life can go on as before.

I feel like crawling into a cave today and hiding, after I workout, of course. A cave where I can eat vegetables and fruit to hopefully make my tummy feel better again. But it's Super Bowl Sunday and my team is playing. I've been invited to a party. I know I'll have a good time watching the game, but I also know there will be lots of food. I need a plan, but I'm just feeling so drained I don't want to. Would it be weird to show up with a little lunch bag full of food for just me to eat? You know, healthy stuff so I know there are options I'll feel good about. That might be the plan, or part of the plan.

I hear my phone chirping in the other room, I think the guy responded to an earlier question. Now, do I want to ask the big question or wait until I'm feeling better about myself?.... I think I'll wait. That may be slightly chicken of me, but I also know that in my current state it would probably result in some emotional eating and I don't want to do emotional eating so this is taking care of myself.

Yep, I'm stressed. Football. Relationship. Work. Food. Lack of sleep. Definitely stressed. Time to go do some self-care in the fitness center.

More Than a Number

This weekend was the final weigh-in before the holidays. Didn't lose that last 0.7 pounds last week to make my goal; in fact, I am up a bit. And guess what- I'm ok with that.

The holidays, and preparations for them, are stressful enough without the addition of weight loss. Weight loss is hard enough without the stress of the holidays. I know why the scale went up a bit this week. I didn't eat very well. I did exercise, but I didn't eat enough fruits and veggies like I like to and I ate way more sweets than I care to admit to. So yah, the scale went up a bit.

I'll keep doing what I need to do to take care of myself this week. I'll enjoy Christmas Day dinner with family and while I won't go overboard with eating, I won't worry about staying under a certain number of calories. My plan is to fill my plate with lots of veggies and protein, take the special foods that I don't get often and the foods that I enjoy. And taste the other foods. And, if something special or that is only served on special occasions isn't as good as I had hoped, I give myself permission to leave it on my plate.

I'm not worried about the number on the scale because I know I am so much more and have achieved so many great things this year.
I can run. (Slowly, but I can do it!)
I can walk a long ways.
I can hike.
I can plank.
I can chase my niece and nephew around playing football and not get winded.
I can climb rock walls.
I can dance.
I can sing.
I feel comfortable in my own skin. With and without clothes on. I can look at myself naked in the mirror and like what I see.
I can play with  my students.
I can crawl around on the floor with them.
I can walk into a crowded room and not want to be a wall flower, but rather want to mingle and meet people.
I can laugh with others and at myself.
I can speak my mind and ask for what I want and need (do you know how liberating this is!?).
I can love and be loved.
There are so many things I can do, that I'm not going to let a number on a scale bring me down.

Getting Back On Track

Making progress despite "mistakes" along the way.

I've been (mostly) sugar-free since Wednesday. Mostly only natural sugars from fruits, but you know... it's the holidays and there's lots of goodies being shared. It can be hard to resist.

Thankfully, I was feeling more like myself for my dinner date last night. And he was so sweet. I had been going crazy for no reason (other than the sugar overload coursing through my body and making me feel off).

I did have some homemade candy this afternoon that had been part of a present from a student. It was so good that I couldn't hardly stop myself. Ok, I could have stopped myself, but thankfully they only gave me a little bit so I didn't do too much damage. ...and I spent about an hour and a half on the treadmill/elliptical this evening to make up for it. I'm feeling pretty darned good.

Tomorrow I will weigh in in the morning. We'll see what the scale says; will I make my goal before Christmas? Regardless of what the scale says, I'm feeling really good and looking really good. My clothes fit well. I feel healthy and happy and whole. I feel vibrant.

Now, I just need to remember those things every time I encounter sweets over the holidays so I can stay focused on keeping me healthy and happy.

Finally Past the Plateau!

Well, I did it. I weighed in this morning.

My usual routine is to get up on Saturday morning and just before I step into the shower I weigh in (no clothes, just me on the scale).

Last weekend I was dog-sitting and staying at someone else's house. First I couldn't find their scale (good excuse to not weigh in!) and then my excuse was that it wasn't my normal scale so it might not be accurate. I ended up weighing in anyway and the scaled showed a huge drop (about 6 pounds). I was at 195 on their scale. I was a little afraid to celebrate because what if MY scale didn't show the same weight loss. Would I end up being disappointed the following week if the scale went up?

After a day or so of deliberation I decided to claim it. Go for it. Even if the OTHER scale was off by a few pounds I was still down and I was still past my plateau.

But I didn't let my celebrating go to my head too much or slow me down from working just as hard.

So back to this week's weigh in. Drum roll, please.... the home scale said this morning 198. Hooray!

Wait, what? Did you cheer, even though it's up from the previous week?

Yes. I did cheer. Because I'm still past my plateau of being stuck just above 200 and because I still lost 3 pounds over the last two weeks. So, come on and cheer with me! Hooray!

Celebrate! ...maybe...

I usually weigh myself once a week first thing in the morning. Usually on a Saturday, but depending on plans I may do it on Friday morning. Two weekends ago I weighed in on Friday morning and was down about a pound. Hooray!

This weekend I didn't plan for. I knew I would be dog-sitting and staying in someone else's house. I guess I wanted to overlook my weekly weigh in. I knew the week prior to the weigh in would be stressful and that I might not do the things I usually do to take care of myself. I put myself on the back burner, but that was a conscious choice for the short-term (see previous posts).

As of Thursday afternoon I was back to focusing on myself again.... ok, maybe not Thursday afternoon. I was still very focused on my boyfriend and his leaving for boot camp. But Thursday night I for sure was focused on me again. I got a good night's sleep by going to bed early-ish.

Friday and Saturday I worked harder to take care of myself and did ok, but wasn't ready to face the scale. Conveniently, I didn't know if there was one in the house where I was staying.

Due to some motivation by a friend I went in search of a scale to face it. I needed to know the weight no matter what.

So this morning I stepped on the scale first thing. I had to stare at the dial for a bit for the number to sink in to my brain. Partly it was disbelief. Partly it was just early morning so it was taking a little longer to register. Now granted this isn't my usual scale so it's "zero" may be different from my usual scales "zero", but according to THIS scale, I have successfully moved past my 200 pound plateau and am at 195.

195! I should celebrate! I should be ecstatic! But I'm afraid to celebrate. What if MY scale at home doesn't say that? What if next weekend I weigh myself on MY scale and it's up?

Check out those white legs! Blinding!

What do I do? Forget the numbers and focus on how I feel. I feel good in my body. I feel less bloated than earlier in the week when I was eating poorly. I feel lighter and able to move with more grace and freedom. I feel beautiful and comfortable in my clothes. (And having a beautiful new dress from my boyfriend that I feel pretty wearing helps!)

Pretty polka dot dress from my boyfriend.