Worn

So much about this song speaks to how I'm feeling right now.

Lately, it just seems to be one thing after another.

Let me begin with a little back story...

In November, my boyfriend and I started to plan a trip for us to visit my grandparents in Denver during my school's spring break (I'm a teacher). However, in early January this boyfriend and I decided to take a break. And at the end of January, my grandpa passed away. I still went to visit my grandma over spring break (which started Easter weekend). But this time there was no grandpa or boyfriend as planned. So that brought up a lot of feelings and emotions being at grandma's house with no grandpa and no boyfriend.

I've been meaning to officially, finally end things with him, but didn't have the right words or the right time. But Friday night, at 2 am, (which I guess is technically Saturday morning) one of many recent nights where I haven't slept well, I was able to find just the right words to express in a compassionate and kind way my need to end our relationship.

I felt lighter and freer, as if a burden had been lifted. Not that the relationship was a burden, but that the need to officially end it had been a burden.

But then this morning I got a message from my dad saying that my stepmom had suffered a stroke... and the weight was back. The weight of sin and sickness and death. I immediately took up the burden of sadness over this, as well as two great aunts - one who passed away a week ago and one who is in the hospital from an injury similar to the one my grandpa suffered before he passed away. And the weight has been dragging me down.

I tried all day to keep focused (and done very well), but after work I was in tears again. My heart just feels overwhelmed by the sadness that sickness and death has brought into my life this year. And I even noticed that in my mind I started to have the "why me, God, why them" kind of questions.

But I know why. Death and sickness were never part of His perfect design. Adam and Eve brought sin into this world. It makes our bodies decay. I had to explain this to my kids today when they asked me why I was sad, what a heart attack is, and other questions about my step mom.

Lord, I pray for peace. Peace for me and for my family. We know death and sickness were never a part of Your original plan for us. You are the Great Physician - please watch over all who are sick and suffering. Grant them healing, not just from their physical needs but from their spiritual needs as well. And Lord, You are the giver of Peace. Surround all who are suffering with Your Peace, the Peace that passes all understanding. Guide the doctors and nurses who care for the sick; grant them wisdom in their care. Give comfort and hope to those who mourn and to those who wait by the bedside of the sick. We know that You will work all these things for the good of those who love you - if not healing and restoration in this life, then in the next. Thank you, Father, for hearing this prayer. Amen.

Weighing In

Saturday morning. Time for my weekly weigh in.

And I'm not going to step foot on the scale. I'm not even getting it out.

Instead, I'm going to weigh in with my feelings, the mirror, and my clothes.

The last two days were tough for me. My emotions were out of whack. I felt out of sorts. I was mentally exhausted after work. I didn't exercise. I did chores around the house. I ate crap. My period started. And there's a full moon coming. Did I mention I was emotionally out of sorts?

For years I have been so tied to the number on the scale, measuring my progress by the number on the scale. I find and post funny memes about scales, weight, and exercise, but sometimes they really hit home with me.

Today, I'm not using that as a measure. Instead, I looked at myself in the mirror with kindness, and I was fairly pleased with what I saw. And then I got dressed and was pleased with how my clothes fit. I'm not really thrilled with how my stomach feels this morning, but that's due to the crap food I've had for lunches and dinners recently, and I have a plan for better eating and exercise and drinking lots of water which will help get that where I feel good again.

So no scale measurement today, just weighing in with how I look and feel. And I'm feeling pretty good.

No Longer a Slave to Fear

The old me lived in fear of being discovered for who I really am. Fear that I would not live up to other people's standards. Fear that the walls I built to protect myself would be broken through. I was a people-pleaser trying to be what I thought others wanted me to be.

I no longer live in that fear. I know I am a beloved child of God. He made me perfect and wonderful, in His image. I am His beloved.

Motivational Coaching

A few weeks ago, a loved one said to me, "Becky, I need you to be my long-distance motivational coach. I'm at the heaviest weight I've ever been. I need help getting it off." My response was that I was also struggling to get some weight off that I'd gained recently, I wasn't sure I could help motivate. Of course, this was while family was gathered for my grandpa's funeral weekend, and we were chatting over snack foods at my grandma's house... January was a rough month, y'all.

But it's February now, and I'm turning things around. I've refocused on my goals, gotten over the cold and sinus infection I was dealing with, said goodbye to some unhealthy relationships with people in my life, and gotten some bad dental work fixed so I feel confident in my smile and ability to eat/chew food.

For the last eight days I've had focus, persistence, dedication to my goals. I've exercised according to the plan I made with my trainer (not the one he gave me, but the one WE made together, I've got ownership in it). I've eaten healthier and bipassed sweets and snacks (even on Valentine's day!) because I was keeping my goals in sight. It's not a permanent "no" to those things, just a "not right now".

Friday morning, while thinking about my weekly weigh in coming on Saturday morning, I texted my trainer. I said that no matter what the scale says on Saturday morning, I'm going to continue eating well and exercising, because I like the way I feel physically and mentally. He cheered my positive thinking. And Saturday morning I was rewarded with a healthier feeling in my body, and also a lower number on the scale.

So here's my motivational tips:
1. Talk to your doctor and a certified personal trainer about health goals. Make a plan together.
2. Break down those goals into mileposts that you can celebrate along the way.
3. Stay focused on those goals. Put them into powerful, positive phrases that will motivate you.
4. Check in with how your body feels mentally and physically. Withdrawl from the bad habits will be hard to break, but once you start making good choices a regular habit you'll notice how good your body feels. The goals aren't just numbers, they are powerful, positive feelings about your body.

Dance-iversary

It's my 1st WCS Dance-iversary this month! And next month will be my 3rd Dance-iversary. So much to celebrate - I've learned so much in the past three years. Let's go back to how it all began.

Three years ago I was dating a guy who was really into dancing; he'd taken ballroom dance as his PE elective in college. His current interest was learning West Coast Swing; however, he wasn't into teaching me and helping me learn, so I struck out on my own to find lessons. I bought a Groupon for a dance studio in Seattle (where I was living at the time) in hopes of learning to do West Coast Swing, but unfortunately their swing lesson session had already started.

I had my heart set on learning some kind of dance so I decided to give salsa a try. There, I met some great people, some of whom I still keep in touch with via Facebook, and started my love affair with dance. I began going to socials to practice what I'd learned at lessons. At socials I picked up some bachata, cumbia, merengue, and other Latin dance styles.... and, of course, met more of the dance community.

Moving to Salt Lake without a car plus SLCs lack of good public transportation for the non-commuter, meant that I had to forego dancing for a while. But where there's a will, there's a way. I found a couple of dance studios in Salt Lake that had Friday night socials, where I rotated through each week, growing in my salsa dance skill and meeting more people.

Then one night, by accident, I ended up at a ballroom social, where I took my Latin dance roots and tried a rumba....then a foxtrot, waltz, American tango, and East Coast Swing. I learned more and more and just couldn't get enough of dancing, enjoying taking midweek lessons and becoming part of the dance community in Salt Lake City in the ballrooms and country western bar.

Along the way, a few of these dance friends helped me return to my original desire of learning West Coast Swing, and now here I am celebrating my 1st West Coast Swing dance-iversary this month; and my 3 year dance-iversary next month. ...of course you can probably guess how I'm going to celebrate.

This post wouldn't be complete without thanking those who have been part of my dancing journey - my teachers, my classmates, my dance social friends, and my dance partners. Thank you all for being part of my journey, my life is much richer, brighter, joyful, and better because of you. So much gratitude.

To read more of my dance story, check out my blog post: West Coast Salsa.

I Choose Me

Today, I choose me.
I choose to honor, love, and nourish my body.
I choose me over sweets that don't satisfy, but leave me feeling regret, achy, and irritated.
I choose to love myself by letting go of relationships that aren't healthy.
I choose to nourish my soul with God's Word for me, not the world's.
I choose to nourish my body with sleep and good food.
I choose to strengthen my body by engaging in physical activity.
I choose me.

My Gift

Yesterday we buried my grandpa. I didn't cry much during the committal service or during the memorial service. Because I was crawling into bed last night as when the tears started to come and my mind was Restless.
I gave so much of myself yesterday caring for those around me and giving tissues to my cousins and my uncles, hugs to those who needed them, searching tea or water for grandma or anyone else who needed it.
At the end of the day I realized I hadn't given myself much time to grieve. And in my head came this voice. The voice of my former therapist Bil, saying what a gift that I have given to my family. So instead of beating myself for not feeling my feelings and having my own time to grieve, I gave of myself to serve my family because I love them and that is part of my grieving.