West Coast Salsa

Jan 2014, my first date with "Fred"

Two and a half years ago my interest in dancing was piqued by a man I was dating. (Let's call him Fred, like Fred Astaire....) He'd taken ballroom dance lessons in college as his PE elective and was now infected with the dancing bug. Our dates would revolved around good food (he's a foodie) and dancing. Fortunately for us, Seattle is a great place to get good food and go dancing!


At the time, I weighed about 265 pounds. I wasn't comfortable in my body and I wasn't comfortable moving my body that way. I was overweight and didn't want to be seen. I wanted to hide my size but longed to feel the freedom of moving my body gracefully, sensually across a dance floor.

As he and I dated over the course of the next six months, I was working on losing weight so I was getting smaller. We hit a patch where we broke things off for a few weeks. But since I was already bitten with the dancing bug, too, and now feeling slimmer I wanted to try dancing. I bought a Groupon and signed up for lessons at Belltown Dance Studio in Seattle.

Mine were like this,
but in black!

Fred was really getting into West Coast Swing, so that's what I tried to sign up for. I wanted to see why he was so into it. Unfortunately, I had missed the deadline for the 6-week class signup. Instead, I opted for salsa, which also looked fun and sexy.

Birthday dance at my lesson studio, June 2014

After my first salsa lesson I was hooked. I went out and bought a pair of dance shoes that cost over $100 and I forgot about West Coast Swing, or any other type of dancing. I was in love with salsa! I took lessons on Sunday afternoons and then went to the socials on Sunday nights to practice what I had learned. I also started checking out socials at other locations. By the time my birthday rolled around 3 months later I was at one of the biggest ballrooms in Seattle doing a birthday dance that took my breath away!

And then I moved to Utah.

With no car.

I had no transportation to go dancing until last February when I was dog-sitting. The owners let me use their car and so one Friday night I took myself out to a Valentine's salsa social. I was still in love with salsa! Alas, the owners came back from their vacation and I had to return their car to them, but my love for dancing was reignited. I found friends to go dancing with who would pick me up.

Fast forward to June...

Ready for birthday dancing!

I invite a few girl friends to help me celebrate my birthday by going dancing. We got there extra early and there was a ballroom dance social going on. I got pulled onto the dance floor and learned how to rumba and foxtrot! It was kind of fun, even if the crowd there is mostly older folks.

In July, my roommate went out of town and let me use her car for the whole month! I was so excited! I was able to get out and DO stuff. I start taking group dance lessons on Tuesday nights, volleyball on Wednesday nights, and ballroom AND salsa social on Friday nights. (Oh, and I bought myself a car at the end of July so that I could keep going to these events... and work in the fall!)

At the Tuesday night group lessons we learned American/ballroom tango. There I met two men who impacted my dance life in big ways. The first man introduced me to the Gallivan Center, where many of my dance classmates went after lessons for a free public concert and dancing. Through dance lessons and dancing at the Gallivan center, man number two came into my life.

My trainer and I both use dance as our cardio!

Man number two, Sage, became my East Coast Swing dance partner. (And later down the road he also becomes my friend and personal trainer.) Sage and I danced together regularly on Tuesday nights at the Gallivan Center and on Friday nights at the ballroom dance socials at Ballroom Utah.

Sage and I develop a dance connection and he introduced me Argentine Tango, his passion, in December of 2015. My deep connection to salsa is now making room for other dances, including the Argentine Tango. I love the connection and sensuality of this dance, perhaps even more than the sensuality of salsa.

Jump ahead a few months again to February of this year. My friend Chloe, who I invited to go salsa dancing with me for my birthday, is good friends with a man who enjoys many kinds of dance. One night in February he took us to a West Coast Swing social in Sandy. I was immediately reminded of Fred who was intrigued by this dance. And now I'm captivated, too!

That night we met a friendly guy named Josh who is quite good at West Coast. He had a big smile and made us feel welcome. Unfortunately, I got sick, and we didn't go back for several weeks.

But it's too late. I was bitten by the WCS bug and I'm hooked. In March I went a couple times, but by April I'm sold. I become a regular at the Saturday night socials. And in May I started going on Friday nights... at least the nights that my (East Coast Swing) dance partner can't go to the ballroom socials.

I'm addicted. I love West Coast Swing. Sorry, salsa, WCS is now my #1, but I'll be back to dance you too this summer.

Oh, and I'm much slimmer now, so I don't mind moving my body and being seen on the dance floor.

Waiting

For many years now I've longed to be a wife and mother. I want to have and be a companion and partner. A partner in life, and in crime. Someone to do life with, have adventures with, to give and receive love with.

But lately a voice in my head has been saying "what if...." What if you don't have kids? What if you never marry? Will I still be ok if these what ifs happen?

Is my dream changing?

Or is this fear creeping in? My birthday is in a few days. I'm getting older, closer to 40. And sometimes I feel afraid of what the diagnosis will be regarding the lesion and cyst the doctor found during an ultrasound. What if treatment of those means removal of my ovary or uterus?

So is my dream changing, or is this just fear?

I don't know, but as I read Psalm 37:4 as part of my evening devotion, it has brought tears and my heart is crying out to God for his peace.

And the words of a Taize song fill my heart and mouth:
O Lord hear my prayer
O Lord hear my prayer
When I call, answer me
O Lord hear my prayer
O Lord hear my prayer
Come and listen to me

Can't Stop This Ear Worm

I can't sleep.

I had a fun night of dancing. A few particular dance partners made me feel just fabulous on the dance floor. It. Was. Amazing.

But now I've been home for over 2 hours and I can't sleep. I just want to keep dancing. And I've got this song stuck in my head. And really, it's just perfectly fitting.

My jam. My new favorite dance tune. Why fight it?

My Shoulders Were Up To My Ears

I have been so stressed the last several days. My body filled with tension and pain. My shoulders were up to my ears and has huge, painful knots. I wasn't relaxed.  I couldn't relax. My body wouldn't let go.

I went to Westify, a west coast swing social, last night. During the lesson, my instructor kept telling me to drop my shoulders and release the tension so I would have a better connection. I couldn't.  I couldn't do it. At least not naturally. I really had to think hard about relaxing and dropping my shoulders.

And it hurt! Oh man did it hurt to drop my shoulders down. But I kept trying. I kept focusing on that part of my connection. And counting.

Connection and counting.

And guess what! A few hours later, I realized my shoulders didn't hurt and they had dropped out of my ears. I was relaxed again. Focusing on the connection and counting got me out of my head and into my body. I was able to let go of the things weighing on me. ....and to think, I almost didn't go last night! That would've been a great loss.

I need more dancing in my life!

Thank you to Bill, Kevin, Josh, Martin, Robert, Jay, Jeremy and many others for your help in my de-stressing!

The Scale

It's up again.

It was down. Now it's up again. What is going on? I'm doing everything right. Following my trainer's guidelines. But the scale keeps creeping up.

I know it's just a number. But it's bothering me. In the back of my mind I still have this fear that I'll balloon up again.

I'm trying to balance it out with positive self-talk. Reminders of how far I've come. A few pounds back doesn't mean I've lost the war.

I check in with my body to see how it feels. *deep breaths, hands on chest and stomach to check in* I feel stressed. I can feel tension in my shoulders. Lots of tension. It's the end of the school year and this has been a rough one.

I also feel comfortable in my skin. I don't feel fat. I don't feel overweight. I don't feel bloated. I feel good. Hmmm... but my pants do feel a bit snugger. I have a bit of a muffin top. I can work on that.

So, maybe I do need to get the scale number to go down a bit, but I also need to remember that I'm stressed and stress doesn't help the scale numbers or my body look or feel good. I'm going to do my best to get through the last two weeks of school. Then we'll see where things fall when that stressor is gone. I'm doing the best that I can right now....

Old(er)

My birthday is coming up in a few weeks! I'll be 37... no big deal; age is just a number.

Isn't it?

This week, though, I've heard on the radio several times that around age 37/38 people claim to start feeling old. I scoffed. I don't feel like I'm old. I still feel young, vibrant, and energetic. But this radio spot that kept coming on has gotten me thinking. Hmmm....

• I enjoy keeping things routine. Trainer workout on Monday. Volleyball followed by Rancheritos on Wednesday. Ballroom dancing on Friday. West Coast Swing dancing on Saturday. And resuming next week, Tuesday night dancing outdoors to live music in downtown.
• I don't like staying up late anymore. (Ok, aside from the fact that I'm writing this at 1am, I am usually not awake at this hour. The only reason I'm up this late is because of the dancing. And because stress kept me awake last night, so I took a long nap this afternoon, and now I'm not ready to go to bed.) Usually, during the week I'm in bed by 10 and on the weekend.... maybe a little later, depending on dancing.

Ok, so maybe there's not a lot of overwhelming evidence. But I certainly do like my routines. But maybe it's just my way of taking care of myself.

Confession time. I've not gone to a couple friend's birthday parties recently because they conflict with dancing. And also because they revolve around food. I have been invited to birthday dinners out at restaurants. Yes, I feel some sadness about not being with my friends to celebrate these milestones in their lives. And, yes, I do wonder if they'll come to my birthday event since I didn't go to theirs. But these are the choices I'm making right now because it's how I'm taking care of me in the best way I know how to do in this moment.

Partly I haven't gone because of finances; I don't have a big budget for eating out. (I'd rather spend my entertainment money on doing, not eating.) The other reason, the big reason, is that I don't want my social life to revolve around food. Using food for entertainment is a big reason why I got overweight in the first place. I want to spend time with my friends DOING something, not EATING. *Note: only one event in my weekly routine has food attached, and that food comes after a lot of physical activity.

I guess that's why I'm not planning a big birthday party for myself. I don't want it to be about food - I want it to be about time with my friends. That's why I'm planning to continue doing my favorite activities during my birthday week, but I'm inviting my friends to join me. And there may or may not be birthday cake. What I want more is just to be around people I care about who also care about me. That's what's important to me.

So to my friend's whose birthday dinners I have missed - I'm sorry. I do love and care about you. I enjoy the time we spend together at volleyball, dancing, or other activities; however, I don't want to give up my beloved activities to spend several hours sitting and eating. I love you, but I also love me. And I love me too much to not take care of myself by not doing the physical activities I love. For too many years I put myself on the back burner. I'm taking care of me now.

My dear friends, I have some sadness about not attending your birthday dinners. You are important. I feel a tug in my heart to go. But I also feel a strong tug in my heart to go dance and enjoy the things I love - a healthy (and budget friendly) dinner at home and dancing for hours. I'm listening to my heart as it tells me what my body needs to have peace right now. Is that getting old, or is that just maturity and self-awareness....

Keep Going

It finally shifted.

Since March I've been struggling with health issues and convalescence. During that time my weight fluctuated a lot. I did fairly well keeping the weight off while I was sick because I didn't have much of an appetite. However, afterwards, while on the road to recovery (convalescence) I started eating more again, though I didn't have the energy or strength to get back to my usual physical activities. My weight started to creep up, my waist line got softer and a little fuller. I didn't look or feel like my healthy self.

The physical stress started to lead to mental stress, and on top of that piled usual end-of-the-school-year stress at work. I felt like I was in a downward health spiral as the weight didn't go down and the stress went up. I was battling a depression because of things.

Though I felt physically better, I wasn't back to where I was before the illness and needed to remember to give myself time to get there. During my depression I struggled with feeling like I had regressed to where I was a year ago, before my running and before my months of hard work with my trainer. I kept beating myself up. I talked with my trainer and my psychotherapist to help get some perspective. I wasn't giving myself compassion and love during my recovery time.

So I took a snapshot of my weight loss journey and kept it on my phone as a reminder of how far I've come. Yes, the past few months have been a struggle, but I needed to remember how far I have come and remember that it was only a minor setback, not a total loss.

The past few weeks I've really rededicated myself to better eating and physical activity. My trainer and I have tweaked some things on my nutritional goals. I was frustrated at not seeing anything different after the first week. This week, though, something happened. After two weeks of hard work, something shifted.

I knew last night that my body was feeling different. My clothes felt different and looked different on me. And this morning the scale reflected what my body had revealed the night before. The weight is shifting. And just a small change, but it's spurring me on to not give up. I just needed to keep focused on my goals and the things that would get me there: a good night's sleep, moving more, eating well, drinking plenty of water, and lowering my stress by doing things to take care of myself. It can all be summed up by a favorite quote I've seen and shared before: