I Am Joy

I'm learning to let go.

It's not easy. It doesn't happen overnight.

Several weeks ago my boyfriend and I decided to move on in different directions. (That's a really nice, adult way of saying we broke up.) I cried, a lot. I ate cookies and sweets and other "crap"; I'm an emotional eater, it's what I do. I've been working on NOT eating because of my emotions, but in times of extreme stress (say the end of a significant relationship) those old habits resurface. I did less damage than I would have in the past, but I still did them. I'm not perfect. (Guess what? I don't have to be either!) And if it makes you feel any better, I did work out to try to compensate for some of the "damage" the sweets did to my diet. It certainly made me feel better as I burned off calories and frustrations.

I started dating again. The first one was awkward and I never heard from him again. The second one asked me out again. It was nice, but also a little awkward. He asked me out a third time... we'll see. Guys number three and four are also in the line-up for dates this weekend. Whew, I'm not sure how I'll keep them all straight!

Sunbursts through clouds on my walk home on September 30th.

Sun reflecting off the clouds on my walk home on October 1st.

Ahhhh. It's a beautiful evening.

Still, occasional feelings about my previous boyfriend come up. This weekend I had some tears. I remembered and missed the fun times he and I had together. He took me on many dating adventures. We supported each other through some tough times. I met his family. Big stuff. I missed it. I missed his friendship.

As I walked home yesterday (5 miles, 1 hour 30 minutes) I had some time to think. I thought about why I was sad about the past relationship and the excitement of looking forward to new potential relationships.A tear or two may have come to my eye as I saw beautiful views and thought of how he would have loved to see and photograph them. Lots of mixed feelings on my walk and lots of time to think about things. By the time I got home yesterday I was "thought out" and the only thing on my mind was how tired and hungry I was; after all, I was walking during dinner time.

Today, I felt such peace on my walk home. No longer feeling mixed emotions; ready to let go of the past and even more now looking forward to the future. I felt happy about the progress I've made in letting him go and moving on. I feel grateful for the time we shared, the lessons I learned about myself and love and life, and that I was able to give and receive (in his own way) love. And I am looking forward to taking what I've learned about myself and relationships and love to use in the future. I feel happy.

As I walked home I thought of those lessons and when I thought of him I felt peace. No longing. No regrets. Just peace. I saw a beautiful sunset and thought of how much he would have enjoyed photographing the stunning colors and light. It was a lovely feeling and a lovely moment. I feel proud of myself for that.

I am joy. And that is the best part.

(Sub)Urban Hiker Girl Sets Out

My favorite kind of flower grows wild here!

Urban Hiker Girl set out today on a suburban walk. It was a beautiful fall day and I just couldn't stand sitting around indoors all day, so I put on shorts and a long sleeved t-shirt, tied on my tennis shoes, grabbed my headphones, turned on my GPS to map my walk and set out. 

Along the way I sang along to the music, saw some beautiful sights, and did some thinking. 

Not a lot, but just a little.

I thought about how flat it is here. No hills, so the walk was pretty mild compared to my urban hikes in Seattle.

And I thought about how absolutely beautiful it is here, but in a different way from Seattle. I can't say that I have a favorite, but I am so grateful for my home here.

And I thought about what a beautiful day it was and what a beautiful sunset we will have.

I love my new home.

Reality Check

I stepped on the scale this morning. The numbers reflected what I knew was true. Despite the extra exercise I'd done on Saturday, I had eaten a lot of crap on Sunday and the scale had gone up. Fortunately (?), this wasn't my official weigh in day, so I didn't have to enter it into record. It was just a reality check. That, and the red bumps on my face are the evidence that I have not been eating well for several days and so my body was reflecting that.

Determined to not go on my date on Saturday feeling bloated or with red bumps on my face, I planned my food for the day. I also determined that I was going to be extra focused on eating well, logging everything, and continuing the good exercise routine I'd gotten back into last week.

I did well today, planning out my lunch and prepacking it the night before really helped. This morning all I had to do was pull my lunch bag out of the fridge and I was set with my morning snack, lunch, and afternoon snack. On the way to work I logged all the food I was planning to eat and what I'd eaten for breakfast and I was 100 calories under my goal for the day. Knowing I might have time to exercise after work before going to the movie I knew I'd be ok to have/take with me, a light, healthy snack to eat at the movie theater if I got hungry.

When I got home from work today I realized that I didn't have as much time to exercise before the move (and check the mail, pick up a package, eat dinner, and change my clothes), so I decided to skip the workout, secure in the knowledge that I'd already accounted for all my food today and I had room to spare so I didn't need to work out in order to enjoy dinner guilt-free.

Everything changed after I picked up my packages.

I was only expecting a box of books that I'd ordered. Instead, there was a second package. As I read my address and recognized the handwriting, I lost my appetite and started to feel upset. As I walked back to my apartment, I tried very hard to not cry but all was lost once I entered the safety of my home. I started crying and immediately wanted cookies, even though I was no longer hungry.

Not ready to deal with the package's contents or the sender, I stuck it in our spare bedroom that I rarely enter, knowing it would stay there safely and unnoticed until I was ready to deal with it later (whenever that might be).

I steeled myself to stick with the healthy dinner that I had planned (yummy leftover chili). "No cookies- remember your upcoming date!" I told myself. That got me through the process of heating it in the microwave. As I started to dry the tears I found my appetite return.

As I finished my dinner I reflected on how much my feelings hand changed in the past 30 minutes and what an effect it had on my appetite and cravings. I had come home hungry and looking forward to my yummy leftover chili, but after opening the mail and seeing a package that I'd forgotten was coming I'd lost my appetite and my cravings for cookies (sweets) were running rampant. I won this battle, the war will still continue as I rewire my brain and how I respond to emotions.

Deep breath. You can do it, girl.

A New Salad

This week's salad is simple, but tasty. Spinach, a hard boiled egg, a strip of bacon cut into pieces, and honey mustard dressing. I wanted to as some purple onion, too, but don't have one. Will have to add that tomorrow.
Please share your favorite salad fixings!

Why Did I Eat That?

Crunchy Oatmeal Cookies
with raisins, dates, and walnuts
YUM!

Why did I eat all those cookies?
How did I eat all those cookies?

We scooted out of work before 4pm today- quite an accomplishment- because we had to be back at 6:30pm for Back to School Night. I changed into some comfy clothes to relax in until needing to go back to work (when I would put my work clothes back on), sat down on the couch with a school project, and started working.

Oh, but before I got to work I grabbed a cookie from the bowl on the counter. Just one, I thought to myself. I started working on labeling the kids names in my recording binder and munched my cookie. I decided to grab two more cookies as I continued to work. Then two more...then two more... pretty soon there were only four left in the bowl.

Ack! I immediately felt shame and embarrassment- what if my roommate sees that almost all of the cookies are gone? What will she think of me? I better hide the evidence. I tried to convince myself that I was saving myself from eating any more cookies as I put them into the freezer. And I WAS saving myself- I was minimizing harm. I ate a lot of cookies, but not ALL of the cookies. But mostly I was trying to hide the evidence from my roommate that I ate a lot of cookies. I was ashamed of myself.

At Back to School Night I started to get a stomach ache. I jokingly told a couple coworkers about all the cookies I ate, saying I must be stressed, trying to laugh off my shame and hoping they wouldn't judge me and think I was a pig. Or fat. Or other terrible things.

I was shocked when one of my coworkers said, "Oh, I know. I can sit down and go through Oreo's without even thinking when I'm stressed." If I were a cartoon my eyes would have bugged out of my head. Here I had judged her thinking she was "normal" and that she would judge me as being a horrible person for eating all those cookies, and I found out she stress eats, too. And then another person chimed in, too. Maybe I'm not such a "bad" person after all. Maybe there's a lot of people who do this. Maybe I don't have to be ashamed. Maybe I'll be ok.

I Think I'm in Love

our walk last weekend

I think I'm in love- with Utah. How could you not love it here surrounded by all this natural beauty? Granted, the food/restaurant choices leave something to be desired and make me miss Seattle, but oh the beauty of this place!
And I'm in love with the new me. I'm so proud of how hard I've worked and happy about how I feel and

the view from school in the morning

look. How I feel now is an amazing, drastic difference to how I felt a year ago. I love being me and am absolutely comfortable in my own skin. (Except the day after I eat almost an entire pizza with my roommates help, then I'm not so comfy, but pizza aside, I'm happy being me.)
My roommate and I go hiking every weekend, sometimes twice in a weekend. Last weekend's "hike" didn't quite turn out as hoped, but our walk around the park allowed us some good time to chat with and get to know another coworker of ours.
I love being more active and having more energy. I've been able to jog even. THAT I don't love, and I may never love it, but I do LOVE that I'm able to do it. It's wonderful how my body can move.

First Day of First Grade 2014

Second Day of School 2014

Accidentally on Purpose Hikes

Deer along the trail.

Yesterday, Heather and I decided to go for a short hike in the evening. We'd spent most of the day indoors and running errands. I suggested that we get out and enjoy the beautiful area on a short hike nearby. Heather easily and quickly agreed.

We grabbed some food and hit the road. I thought I had a good idea of where we were going to I started directing us without aid of a map or GPS... silly me. I did know where we were going, only I didn't know there was a more direct route to get us where we wanted to go- straight down the road from our apartment it connects to the road up Big Cottonwood Canyon Road. Despite my inadequacy as a map reader/navigator, we eventually found our destination: Willow Heights.

The trail behind us on the way up.

It was a hike just to get to the trailhead. We had to park on the highway and then walk a couple "blocks" through a neighborhood to the actual trail. At the beginning of the trail we saw a couple of deer, but after that we didn't really see any wildlife (other than bugs).

The book said it was a mellow grade and the walking was easy, but Heather and I thought differently. We were breathing hard just to get to the trail- it was quite an incline the whole way, until we got to the big meadow. When we crossed the big meadow we enjoyed the view of the ski slopes across the canyon before heading on to the pond.

We made a quick stop at the pond before turning back because it was getting dark. We stopped for a selfie with the mountain behind us and then hurried down the trail and back to the car. We definitely want to go back again when we have more daylight so that we can go around the pond and try the optional trail extension.

Selfie with the ski lift on the mountain across the valley.

Did I mention...

...the amazing sunset?

Today, we picked another trail in the same canyon. We headed for Doughnut/Donut Falls. The guidebook said it was 9 miles down the road, but as we approached mile 10 we decided to pull off and consult the book again. We realized that where we stopped on the shoulder there appeared to be a road, so we decided to take a chance and see where it might lead. We realized that it was the route we were looking for!

We headed down the road and it eventually became unpaved. It was an abrupt switch with a big hole; we think we may have left some of Heather's car on the pavement as we drove onto the gravel. People were parked all along the edge of the road, despite the "no parking any time" signs. We continued heading down the road, hoping to find some closer parking. (We did.)


It was a nice, low grade on a wide path. When we got to the creek, we scrambled down to the bank and along the water. We tried to stay dry as we climbed ("scrambled") up the rock along the waterfall. The view from the top was spectacular and I was quite proud of myself for climbing. There was a time in the past where I would have been too afraid to try and not in good enough shape to even consider it if I wasn't scared.

We went back down to the "hole" in the rock and did the obligatory photos under the falls, wading in the water (despite the signs directing us not to- everyone else was doing it). It was extremely cold and my toes felt a little numb. On the rest of the descent down or crossing the creek, we didn't worry about staying dry. Our shoes were already water-logged and we were cold and dirty.

Roommate selfie!

This was by far our favorite hike so far. I'd like to come back again, perhaps when my brother's family comes to visit. (I beg my niece and nephew could easily scramble up the rocks.)

On the way home we realized that here we are living in "Salt Lake City" and we still have yet to see "The Lake." Stay tuned for a future adventure to see "The Lake!"

Doughnut/Donut Falls

Above the hole

The cave below the hole.

It was great- but the water was freezing cold!

Spectacular views!