Patience is NOT My Virtue

Ladies, I have a confession: I am not good at waiting. I take charge and get things done. I see a need, I fill the need, if its in my skill set. These are great attributes to have! Except when it comes to men. Men don't want to be pursued, they want to be the pursuers, so we must learn to wait for them.

Waiting for God's perfect timing, and waiting for a man to pursue me are Very challenging for me. When I see a man I want, I want him now. And I want him to realize that he wants me, too - NOW!! But that's not how God's timing is.

I have been praying for God to work in His perfect time to prepare me for the right place and the right place for me, as I contemplate a career move. I also pray a similar prayer about meeting and marrying the right man. And a couple of times I thought I'd found the right guy, only God was on a different path from me and that relationship didn't work out as I had planned.

Sometimes I need to step back and remind myself that God had always provided at just the right time in the past, and He will continue to do so for me in the present and future. God is never early and never late. He is always right on time. In all things.

...including relationships.

Oh Lord Hear My Prayer

Lord, I need you. My head hurts. My heart and mind are restless. It's hard to be patient. I need You. I need Your help. Amen.

My random roommate

March 2018

Strange things my roommate says. No context, because I think that makes it even funnier.

- You just tell him, "you can't bite my butt."

Love & Sleep

My three words for 2018 are "love, serve, grow." Instead of a resolution, I'm living by these words this year. I will say yes to things and people that help me love, serve, and grow.

This morning, it really struck me how I have not been loving myself well in the area of sleep. I have been completely and utterly exhausted. In turn, my body feels achy all the time and I don't have the mental strength or desire to say no to cravings and make good food choices. I even wokeup this morning feeling like I couldn't "people." (And y'all know that's no good for an extrovert!)

This has got to stop!

I need to love myself better and protect my sleep time. I need to silence and put down my phone an hour before bed. I need to get on my jammies, meditate on God's Word and pray, and have some quiet time for me. I say these things to myself with a loving voice.

I know this, but I don't always remember this. So this morning I made myself a visual reminder that I can use as a phone wallpaper. (Or am I the only one slightly addicted to my technology?!?) If you want this reminder, too, hop on over to my Facebook page and grab my free wallpaper foryourself!

Craving Something More

"Unsettle me, Lord."

That's the title of my devotion that I read this evening. It perfectly describes what I'm feeling. After reading the thoughts of author Lysa TerKeurst in the "Made to Crave" devotional, I was inspired to write in my journal.

Shake me lose from complacency.
Shift my thoughts from accepting status quo, what it is, to what things could be.
Help me turn to You for comfort, not food. For celebration, not food.
Renew my zeal for wellness.
Renew my commitment to caring for my body.
My body does not feel loved currently. My body feels discomfort, pain,lethargic, dis-ease.
Renew me.
Transform my mind.

I'm not sure what it is that lets me think it's ok to eat sweets. I know how my body will react, but I do it anyway.

For example, Girl Scout Cookies.

I can't say no. I should. But I don't.

I know I can't eat Just a normal serving. I eat a whole row. Or a whole box. In one sitting.

But every year I tell myself, I'll just get one box each of my two favorite kinds, and that's all I'll get. And I'll make them last longer than the year before.

And every year is the same as the one before. They never last long.

I bought two boxes this year. They lasted a total of three days from when I opened the first box to when I threw the empty second box away.

Three days.

Two boxes in three days.

And now I feel awful. Not just the upset stomach from too many sweets. There's also the mental berating of myself for eating them all so fast.

Oh, and all the sugar aggravates my arthritis so my joints feel painful. And it inflames the knot in my shoulders. So I'm just feeling peachy right now.

And that's why I penned the above in my journal.

And I shared it here as a reminder to my future self. And maybe, hopefully, to let others know they are not alone. 

The journey after losing 100 pounds is not easy.

But I'm worth it. And I'm NOT going back again.

Fourth Anniversary

And so began my new journey back in 2013. And it continues today. Some might think the hard part is over since I took off 100 pounds and am now at a healthy weight, but every day is a chance to choose: do I continue on this new path, new way of living, or do I revert to old habits, long ingrained in me?
Maybe when this new me has been around as long as, or longer than, the old me the wiring will be more permanent and it will be easier.
For today, there are still struggles. I still struggle with not overeating when there are sweets around, especially at family gatherings. I forget that sugar is my Kryptonite. I can't stop at just one. I keep going until I feel awful.
I still struggle with the old mindset that I have to enjoy "it" now because "it" might not be here later (someone else will eat the last ___ that I want/is my piece).
I struggle with putting my yoga or weight lifting time as a priority in my day (taking care of me time). I know I'll feel better when I do.
I still struggle to love my body completely, imperfections and all. I've worked hard to become not just leaner, but stronger; however, there are still jiggly bits. While I may have to accept that these are repercussions of having been (almost morbidly) obese for so long that my skin over stretched and I've lost the skin elasticity of a younger person, I'm not going to stop trying to become the best version of myself that I can.
It's not just a New Year's resolution, but an every day resolution: love myself just as I am. And, do the best that I can to care for me, making myself a priority in my life.

Paradox

I'm tired. I could use a bit more sleep. But I want to go do things, fun things.

I'm hungry and should have some breakfast. But I don't want to eat.

Yoga felt so good this morning. But I'm so tight and inflexible.

I'm a mess. I'm amazing.

I know what I need. I don't know what I need.

The scale says I'm up 5 pounds more than I want. My pants (actual fitted pants, not leggings or stretchy pants) are tighter in the waist than I'd like. I don't like the way my belly look. I love my shape when I'm in my workout wear.

I just need to get thoughts out and maybe I'll figure out what's at the heart of things. 

My friend died yesterday. I was teary off and on at work yesterday. So glad I work in a Christian school where I can openly talk with my students and coworkers about the hope of the resurrection and my gratitude that my friend is with Jesus and no longer in pain.

I got teary again during yoga just now. But I think it was tears of tiredness. I'm worn out, mentally. My sweet little 10 are exhausting. My friend died. I'm working so much. I'm trying to eat healthy, homemade meals. I'm trying to get enough sleep. I'm trying to move enough. I'm trying to do yoga for better flexibility. I'm trying, I'm trying, I'm trying.... I'm exhausted.

I'm exhausted and just going through the motions sometimes. I know I'm not alone. I just talked with a friend last night who is also exhausted from everything. Sometimes I feel afraid that I've lost sight of what I love and I'm just trying to survive. I don't want to live like that. I don't want another year like that. I don't want another month like that. I don't want another day like that or even another hour. I want more.

(Cue Little Mermaid.... I want mooooore!)

I need to eat and I need a little morning nap.
Oh, and I need to make a grocery list and put in a load of towels to wash. ....ugh. I know I'll survive. I'll find the juicy life again. I'll see the light in the darkness. I'll see hope. I'll feel joy. I'm going to start with breakfast and a nap while towels are in the wash. I got this. God's got me. Lets go do this!