Poems of the Tiger and the Dove

This man I loved was inspired to write me a poem. And something about our love inspired me to do the same. He has gone from my life, but the poems and memories remain.


April, 16-18th 2015 written by Tiger, about our first date weekend
untitled
The first time we kissed
my heart nearly missed
the pattern of its faithful beat.
To feel your lips touch mine,
sent me onto cloud nine.
I could barely stand on my own two feet.
The dances we shared, the laughter we dared,
as two kind souls learned from each other.
We took a chance on the web
and now in my head I am glad we found each other.
Until I see you again at our familiar places
and outdoor spaces,
will always have a picture of you ... making silly faces.

April 26,2015 written by Dove

"The Tiger and The Dove" 

strong, gentle, dauntless 

tender, peaceful, beloved 

matchless together 

April 27, 2015 written by Dove 

"Safe" 

To the one I love 

To the one who has captured my heart 

I give it freely I know it is safe with you 

You are my strong protector 

My gentle love 

My encourager 

My inspiration 

I am yours

This Too Shall Pass

I'm in the best physical shape of my life.

I love my school: the staff, students, parents. Heck, I even like the school board and administrator!

I have a good circle of friends and a fairly active social life.

My spiritual life could be a little better. I don't spend enough time in personal prayer, and sometimes I've missed church. But I still have a strong faith and know God is with me.

Why do I feel so "not me"? Why don't I feel very "Becky-like"?

After spending all day yesterday horizontally, either on the couch or in bed because I'm sick, I woke up today feeling rested and feeling more like me again. (The meds helped with that, too.) So I did some more thinking about what's different.

A few days ago I thought I was in a spiritual depression because Sunday morning worship has not been feeding me for over a year. But really, the past five months I've been too tired to enjoy things I used to love: running, volleyball, and dancing. And I've had a bit more stress and not been sleeping very well.

And then it hit me....This has all been going on since about October and that's when I got two new, high energy students. And those two, combined with three other high energy kids in my class, have been draining my energy. No wonder I'm not enjoying the things I used to love - I'm too tired to do them!

my student's current motto....?

Don't get me wrong, I love all 13 of my students. They make me laugh one minute, and the next minute my jaw is on the floor and I'm scratching my head wondering "what the heck were they thinking?" One minute they are giving me hugs, telling me they love me and I'm the best teacher ever, and the next minute they are having a fit and yelling that I'm so mean and I hate them. One moment they're in rapt attention hanging on my every word, and then next minute they are so loud that they can be heard at the other end of the hallway. It's exhausting!

So I'm going to accept, without judgment, that these next couple months until school is out will be hard. I will have even less energy as the weather gets warmer and we get closer to the end of the school year because the children will be more excited and wiggly. I may have more quiet evenings and less active weekends until school is out. I'm going to love myself and those energetic kids, seek support from coworkers and parents when I need it, and remind myself that "this, too, shall pass...." (maybe not soon enough on some days!). I will treat all with compassion and without judgment.

Budgeting: Calories & Money

About a month ago I started a Financial Peace University course. I was tired of not having much money left at the end of each paycheck. Tired of worrying if I would be able to buy groceries or if I could pay my trainer or if I would bounce checks. I was tired of living in fear of not having enough money.

I began the journey with hope that it would teach me how to live on a budget and get out of debt. In the first few weeks I've learned that some of the things I was trying to do were on the path to financial freedom, I just wasn't doing them in the right order.

I started looking at budgeting my money, having a plan, and making cutbacks in some areas (giving up certain things for a while) as being very similar to my weight loss journey. I was going to give up certain things, temporarily, in order to achieve a greater goal. With my weight loss it turns out I didn't miss as much some of those things I had given up. I'm curious how it will feel to give up some financial things in order to achieve the greater goal of being debt free and better managing my money? I'm excited to find out!

This week I began my attempt to live on my budget - to take it out of the theoretical realm and put it into practice. I had written my budget the week before, had my budget buddy look over it with me, and I felt ready. A little scared, after all, Dave had said that the first month wouldn't be perfect, it'll take a few months to sort out, but I was ready to try.

I went to the bank and got cash for three areas of my budget that I wanted to try doing envelopes with and then I went off to the grocery store with my grocery envelop. I had my shopping list and I was careful to only buy what was on my list - after all, I was on a budget and didn't want to run out of money and not have anything left for next week's shopping. I checked out and eagerly paid my cash because I was a super shopper! I logged my spending on the envelop when I got home and felt proud of myself.

....until I remembered the next day (during yoga class!) that I had forgotten a few things. I decided to stop by Walmart on my way home and pick them up. It wasn't until I was in the checkout line that I realized I didn't have my grocery envelop with me. I swiped my debit card to pay and immediately went home and balanced out the cash in the envelop to make it work.

I keep thinking of this budgeting as I did with my calories. I'm getting picky about how I spend them (calories and dollars)

because I know I only have so many to use. If I went over on my calories I had to compensate by exercising more or face the consequences of the scale and my body's feelings. If I go over on one area of my budget I have to face the reality of bounced checks or not having money for other areas. And I'm ready to be done with that! Time for a new, more financially healthy me.

In case you can't tell... I'm sold out on this Financial Peace University and wanting to give it my 100%. No shortcuts to my health- physically and financially.

No Cookies Needed

It had barely just started again and now it's over.

First, it was bad timing a year ago. Now, it's the distance. I love him and he loves me, but there's apparently just too many obstacles in our way.

No cookies needed

I'm tempted to go back to my old habits of finding comfort in food. I want chocolate! Or do I? My stomach is finally flat (or flatter than it has been in weeks while bloated). I'm feeling comfortable in my own skin - even naked. I feel slim and strong. Do I really want to go back to my old habits of finding comfort in food? NO! So I  need to find a substitute.

Exercise. Thank goodness it was also workout Monday with my trainer. I moved from sad that he called it off, to pissed off that he wasn't wiling to pursue me. I'm worth it. I'm a darned good catch. I'm freaking awesome! Darn him for not wanting it enough. Not wanting me enough.

So I took action.
I removed the electronic copies of the poems we'd written to each other.
I deleted our text chain and our messenger chat.
I deleted him from my contacts.
Swiftly. Like ripping off a bandaid.

I'm usually loyal to a fault, to a point where I hurt myself, but this time I don't want to do that. I've done enough of that in the past and this time I'm flipping the switch. Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.

But I don't feel shame, because I wanted it too. I initiated it, but he responded. But given his reason for not being able to pursue a relationship, perhaps he shouldn't have responded in the first place. But at least I've learned a lesson - don't hold on to the hurt.

I haven't cried since Monday afternoon.  I got a little sad on Thursday night during my Financial Peace class because it reminded me of a recent conversation with him. But I kept my chin up and reminded myself this wasn't about him, this was about me. I'd been feeling pumped about this class and I wasn't going to let him steal my joy.

This is about me feeling good about myself. And yah, I don't need sugary sweets to do that. I'm taking care of me and that feels great! I'm finding comfort in taking care of myself, support and love from my friends, and some inspirational words on the internet. I'm keeping myself open to love.

 

Winter Hike and Sledding at Mount Olympus Wilderness

Earlier this month I had an exciting winter date. After church on a Sunday morning we met for brunch at the Porcupine Grill. We had a great, filling meal so that we would have lots of energy for our winter hike and sledding excursion. After filling our bellies, we went to REI to pick up snowshoes, but after consulting with the staff there we concluded that it wouldn't be necessary and instead we got chain treads instead. 

Heading up the trail

We drove up the canyon to a trailhead a few miles up. We geared up at the car, grabbed the sled disc and headed up the trail. The snow was breathtaking and the spikey treads helped our feet grip as we climbed up the mountainside. We stopped often to look around and enjoy the views... and horse around a little by throwing snow. We also stopped occasionally to let skiers and snowboarders pass. My companion said that people liked to hike in, on snowshoes or spikes like us, and then would ski or board back down.

We stopped after just over a mile in to let several skiers pass and ended up talking for quite a while. When we tried to continue on, we discovered that the next part of the trail wasn't well enough packed to continue on with just our spikes; we should have gotten those snowshoes after all. 

We decided to turn around and head back down - making use of the sled disc of course. He gave me a good push, and down the mountain I went. Trying to stay on the path and avoid going over the edge to the river was a challenge. I wiped out, on purpose, a few times to avoid greater danger, but oh did I have fun! (The next day I had a good little bruise on my knee to prove it!)

After a few more pushes down the trail, I stopped before crossing the bridge over big sharp rocks. We were almost down the trail and walked the rest of the way. Taking the chains off, we hopped in the car and headed back down the mountain where we stopped at a sports bar to catch the tail end of the Seahawks game. It was a great introduction to winter hiking and I hope to do more.

Pain In The...

This makes the rest time even harder... because I am a dancer.

Driving home from dance lesson this evening I was on the verge of tears. Even now as I write this the tears are coming back to the surface.

I hate knee pain.

I hate that I have to slow down and listen to my body. I'm tired of resting. Of feeling like I'm living life on the sideline.

Oh, here come the tears.

My body hurts. Don't push through the pain. It'll do more damage to my body later on. I'll end up needing knee replacement, too.

I miss doing the things I love - dancing, volleyball, running, hiking. I don't feel like myself. I can't do what I love and I feel sad. And angry. Why is my body letting me down? Why is my body doing this to me? Why?!

I know I need to rest. I'll appreciate it later when my body doesn't hurt from an injury, but right now it sucks. Pain is keeping me from doing the things I enjoy and living my life the way I want to.

But I'm obeying my trainer. And most importantly, I'm listening to my body. Body says stop, so I stopped. I walked out of my dance lesson only 20 minutes into the hour long class. My knee said this might not be good, so I stopped.

And here I am writing a blog about it and crying....

Revelation

This is a reposting of a note I shared on Facebook back on March 18, 2010... almost 6 years ago, just after leaving/losing my new teaching job which I had moved cross-country for. Suddenly, it's resurfaced as friends are commenting and liking it again. I thought it a good message worthy of re-sharing, now through my blog. Remember - no matter WHAT you do it's WHOSE you are that matters most!

Dear Friends and Family,

For the last 7 years, my identify has been wrapped up in being a teacher; when I was criticized as a teacher it was a big sting because that was how I found my identity - if I wasn't a good teacher then i wasn't a good person. I never thouht of what I would do if I weren't a teacher because that's who I was, at least I thought it was. So, not being a teacher had left me feeling like I lost a part of my identity.
I've spent the last few months spending a lot more time in the Word and personal devotions. Except in February because I wasn't really enjoying the Portals of Prayer so I had stopped doing them as my devotions, but I didn't replace them with anything else. I asked one of my pastors for a suggestions. He had recommended a particular online devotion, but I had not followed through on his suggestions (sorry Pastor!). Until today...
Today, I was on biblegateway looking up a verse that's on my page-a-day calendar in the Message translation and I wanted to see it in NIV. On the biblegateway homepage I followed a link to online devotions. This devotion was a great reminder that who I am is not about what I do; my identify is found in Christ! So whether I am an expeditor at the manufacturing company or a teacher at a Lutheran school or... it doesn't change who I am - I am God's child, His witness in my workplace, His servant, His voice, His hands and feet. And He never changes, even if my job does!
So, that's my little revelation I had today - just wanted to pass this on to you in case it can help shine some of His light in your life!

Becky