It's Ok to Cry

I need a moment.

I feel tears welling up and ready to spill if I let them.

My trainer keeps telling me to find ways to manage my stress better. No eating or drinking away the stress. Reduce my stress he says.

I KNOW! Seriously, I'm not trying to seek it out. Life is happening. Events are conflicting with my plans for me. Surprises are popping up; some wanted, some not. Health issues. Relationship issues. Work issues.

Adulting is hard.

And sometimes tears are the best way for me to feel my feelings and let them wash over me so that I can move on.

Sometimes I need to do this alone. Sometimes I want to be held. But almost always I just need to feel the feelings and let the tears flow so that I can move on.

I'm gonna be ok.

I AM ok.

But in this moment this is hard. No judgment. It is what it is and that's ok.

New Chapter

Mike Weaver, the lead singer of Big Daddy Weave, reported in an interview that they were scheduled to sing this song live at the same time his brother, part of the band, was in the hospital for a mysterious blood infection that led to a double amputation of his feet. And they weren't sure how they could sing this song during such a difficult time, but they were reminded that Jay's story isn't over. (Read more here.)

"If I told you my story
You would hear hope that wouldn't let go
If I told you my story
You would hear love that never gave up
If I told you my story
You would hear life but it wasn't mine

If I should speak then let it be

Of the grace that is greater than all my sin
Of when justice was served and where mercy wins
Of the kindness of Jesus that draws me in
To tell you my story is to tell of Him"

I read this story on Facebook, right after my morning devotion from Proverbs 31 Ministries about the importance of friendship (read it here). I was on my way to go to pick up my friend Chloe on my way to a very important doctor's appointment and I was very grateful that she was accompanying me.

Back in March at my annual physical, my doctor was doing my pelvic exam and we discovered that I was very tender. He had me scheduled an ultrasound exam for a week later. My doctor said the exam showed a cyst on my ovary, but that was normal during a menstrual cycle, so he wanted to have another ultrasound done in six weeks to see how it changed (because it's supposed to change). 

At the follow up ultrasound in May the doctor saw something that concerned him - continued growth of the cyst so he referred me to a gynecologist for further tests and treatment, which brings us to the day that I read the story on Facebook about Jay Weaver facing a double foot amputation. 

The song, the devotion, reminded me that whatever happens at the doctor's office, I am blessed to have my good friend Chloe go through this with me, and that God will use this experience as part of my story. My story is not over, no matter what the doctor diagnoses me with.

My gynecologist reviewed my primary care physician's notes and the ultrasound information and then said what he thought it might be - endometriosis or ovarian cancer. 

I took a deep breath and listened. 

He and I talked about my symptoms and the next steps. He sent me to get some blood drawn and referred me to get an MRI so he could get a better picture of what's going on inside of me. He said if it's endometriosis it might be treatable with birth control hormones, and if it's cancer he knows a great oncologist just across the street. 

The comic I read while I breathed and got my blood drawn.

And then I took another deep breath, then I went to get my blood drawn. And I kept breathing through the blood draw.

And I kept breathing on the drive home. 

And as I breathed, I reminded myself that no matter what this turns out to be my story isn't over. This is the next chapter of my story. Perhaps my story will be helpful to someone. Or perhaps someone else's story will help and encourage me. But no matter what, God's not done with me yet. This is not the end - it is a new chapter. Another beginning.

West Coast Salsa

Jan 2014, my first date with "Fred"

Two and a half years ago my interest in dancing was piqued by a man I was dating. (Let's call him Fred, like Fred Astaire....) He'd taken ballroom dance lessons in college as his PE elective and was now infected with the dancing bug. Our dates would revolved around good food (he's a foodie) and dancing. Fortunately for us, Seattle is a great place to get good food and go dancing!


At the time, I weighed about 265 pounds. I wasn't comfortable in my body and I wasn't comfortable moving my body that way. I was overweight and didn't want to be seen. I wanted to hide my size but longed to feel the freedom of moving my body gracefully, sensually across a dance floor.

As he and I dated over the course of the next six months, I was working on losing weight so I was getting smaller. We hit a patch where we broke things off for a few weeks. But since I was already bitten with the dancing bug, too, and now feeling slimmer I wanted to try dancing. I bought a Groupon and signed up for lessons at Belltown Dance Studio in Seattle.

Mine were like this,
but in black!

Fred was really getting into West Coast Swing, so that's what I tried to sign up for. I wanted to see why he was so into it. Unfortunately, I had missed the deadline for the 6-week class signup. Instead, I opted for salsa, which also looked fun and sexy.

Birthday dance at my lesson studio, June 2014

After my first salsa lesson I was hooked. I went out and bought a pair of dance shoes that cost over $100 and I forgot about West Coast Swing, or any other type of dancing. I was in love with salsa! I took lessons on Sunday afternoons and then went to the socials on Sunday nights to practice what I had learned. I also started checking out socials at other locations. By the time my birthday rolled around 3 months later I was at one of the biggest ballrooms in Seattle doing a birthday dance that took my breath away!

And then I moved to Utah.

With no car.

I had no transportation to go dancing until last February when I was dog-sitting. The owners let me use their car and so one Friday night I took myself out to a Valentine's salsa social. I was still in love with salsa! Alas, the owners came back from their vacation and I had to return their car to them, but my love for dancing was reignited. I found friends to go dancing with who would pick me up.

Fast forward to June...

Ready for birthday dancing!

I invite a few girl friends to help me celebrate my birthday by going dancing. We got there extra early and there was a ballroom dance social going on. I got pulled onto the dance floor and learned how to rumba and foxtrot! It was kind of fun, even if the crowd there is mostly older folks.

In July, my roommate went out of town and let me use her car for the whole month! I was so excited! I was able to get out and DO stuff. I start taking group dance lessons on Tuesday nights, volleyball on Wednesday nights, and ballroom AND salsa social on Friday nights. (Oh, and I bought myself a car at the end of July so that I could keep going to these events... and work in the fall!)

At the Tuesday night group lessons we learned American/ballroom tango. There I met two men who impacted my dance life in big ways. The first man introduced me to the Gallivan Center, where many of my dance classmates went after lessons for a free public concert and dancing. Through dance lessons and dancing at the Gallivan center, man number two came into my life.

My trainer and I both use dance as our cardio!

Man number two, Sage, became my East Coast Swing dance partner. (And later down the road he also becomes my friend and personal trainer.) Sage and I danced together regularly on Tuesday nights at the Gallivan Center and on Friday nights at the ballroom dance socials at Ballroom Utah.

Sage and I develop a dance connection and he introduced me Argentine Tango, his passion, in December of 2015. My deep connection to salsa is now making room for other dances, including the Argentine Tango. I love the connection and sensuality of this dance, perhaps even more than the sensuality of salsa.

Jump ahead a few months again to February of this year. My friend Chloe, who I invited to go salsa dancing with me for my birthday, is good friends with a man who enjoys many kinds of dance. One night in February he took us to a West Coast Swing social in Sandy. I was immediately reminded of Fred who was intrigued by this dance. And now I'm captivated, too!

That night we met a friendly guy named Josh who is quite good at West Coast. He had a big smile and made us feel welcome. Unfortunately, I got sick, and we didn't go back for several weeks.

But it's too late. I was bitten by the WCS bug and I'm hooked. In March I went a couple times, but by April I'm sold. I become a regular at the Saturday night socials. And in May I started going on Friday nights... at least the nights that my (East Coast Swing) dance partner can't go to the ballroom socials.

I'm addicted. I love West Coast Swing. Sorry, salsa, WCS is now my #1, but I'll be back to dance you too this summer.

Oh, and I'm much slimmer now, so I don't mind moving my body and being seen on the dance floor.

Waiting

For many years now I've longed to be a wife and mother. I want to have and be a companion and partner. A partner in life, and in crime. Someone to do life with, have adventures with, to give and receive love with.

But lately a voice in my head has been saying "what if...." What if you don't have kids? What if you never marry? Will I still be ok if these what ifs happen?

Is my dream changing?

Or is this fear creeping in? My birthday is in a few days. I'm getting older, closer to 40. And sometimes I feel afraid of what the diagnosis will be regarding the lesion and cyst the doctor found during an ultrasound. What if treatment of those means removal of my ovary or uterus?

So is my dream changing, or is this just fear?

I don't know, but as I read Psalm 37:4 as part of my evening devotion, it has brought tears and my heart is crying out to God for his peace.

And the words of a Taize song fill my heart and mouth:
O Lord hear my prayer
O Lord hear my prayer
When I call, answer me
O Lord hear my prayer
O Lord hear my prayer
Come and listen to me

Can't Stop This Ear Worm

I can't sleep.

I had a fun night of dancing. A few particular dance partners made me feel just fabulous on the dance floor. It. Was. Amazing.

But now I've been home for over 2 hours and I can't sleep. I just want to keep dancing. And I've got this song stuck in my head. And really, it's just perfectly fitting.

My jam. My new favorite dance tune. Why fight it?

My Shoulders Were Up To My Ears

I have been so stressed the last several days. My body filled with tension and pain. My shoulders were up to my ears and has huge, painful knots. I wasn't relaxed.  I couldn't relax. My body wouldn't let go.

I went to Westify, a west coast swing social, last night. During the lesson, my instructor kept telling me to drop my shoulders and release the tension so I would have a better connection. I couldn't.  I couldn't do it. At least not naturally. I really had to think hard about relaxing and dropping my shoulders.

And it hurt! Oh man did it hurt to drop my shoulders down. But I kept trying. I kept focusing on that part of my connection. And counting.

Connection and counting.

And guess what! A few hours later, I realized my shoulders didn't hurt and they had dropped out of my ears. I was relaxed again. Focusing on the connection and counting got me out of my head and into my body. I was able to let go of the things weighing on me. ....and to think, I almost didn't go last night! That would've been a great loss.

I need more dancing in my life!

Thank you to Bill, Kevin, Josh, Martin, Robert, Jay, Jeremy and many others for your help in my de-stressing!

The Scale

It's up again.

It was down. Now it's up again. What is going on? I'm doing everything right. Following my trainer's guidelines. But the scale keeps creeping up.

I know it's just a number. But it's bothering me. In the back of my mind I still have this fear that I'll balloon up again.

I'm trying to balance it out with positive self-talk. Reminders of how far I've come. A few pounds back doesn't mean I've lost the war.

I check in with my body to see how it feels. *deep breaths, hands on chest and stomach to check in* I feel stressed. I can feel tension in my shoulders. Lots of tension. It's the end of the school year and this has been a rough one.

I also feel comfortable in my skin. I don't feel fat. I don't feel overweight. I don't feel bloated. I feel good. Hmmm... but my pants do feel a bit snugger. I have a bit of a muffin top. I can work on that.

So, maybe I do need to get the scale number to go down a bit, but I also need to remember that I'm stressed and stress doesn't help the scale numbers or my body look or feel good. I'm going to do my best to get through the last two weeks of school. Then we'll see where things fall when that stressor is gone. I'm doing the best that I can right now....