Oh Lord Hear My Prayer

Lord, I need you. My head hurts. My heart and mind are restless. It's hard to be patient. I need You. I need Your help. Amen.

My random roommate

March 2018

Strange things my roommate says. No context, because I think that makes it even funnier.

- You just tell him, "you can't bite my butt."

Love & Sleep

My three words for 2018 are "love, serve, grow." Instead of a resolution, I'm living by these words this year. I will say yes to things and people that help me love, serve, and grow.

This morning, it really struck me how I have not been loving myself well in the area of sleep. I have been completely and utterly exhausted. In turn, my body feels achy all the time and I don't have the mental strength or desire to say no to cravings and make good food choices. I even wokeup this morning feeling like I couldn't "people." (And y'all know that's no good for an extrovert!)

This has got to stop!

I need to love myself better and protect my sleep time. I need to silence and put down my phone an hour before bed. I need to get on my jammies, meditate on God's Word and pray, and have some quiet time for me. I say these things to myself with a loving voice.

I know this, but I don't always remember this. So this morning I made myself a visual reminder that I can use as a phone wallpaper. (Or am I the only one slightly addicted to my technology?!?) If you want this reminder, too, hop on over to my Facebook page and grab my free wallpaper foryourself!

Craving Something More

"Unsettle me, Lord."

That's the title of my devotion that I read this evening. It perfectly describes what I'm feeling. After reading the thoughts of author Lysa TerKeurst in the "Made to Crave" devotional, I was inspired to write in my journal.

Shake me lose from complacency.
Shift my thoughts from accepting status quo, what it is, to what things could be.
Help me turn to You for comfort, not food. For celebration, not food.
Renew my zeal for wellness.
Renew my commitment to caring for my body.
My body does not feel loved currently. My body feels discomfort, pain,lethargic, dis-ease.
Renew me.
Transform my mind.

I'm not sure what it is that lets me think it's ok to eat sweets. I know how my body will react, but I do it anyway.

For example, Girl Scout Cookies.

I can't say no. I should. But I don't.

I know I can't eat Just a normal serving. I eat a whole row. Or a whole box. In one sitting.

But every year I tell myself, I'll just get one box each of my two favorite kinds, and that's all I'll get. And I'll make them last longer than the year before.

And every year is the same as the one before. They never last long.

I bought two boxes this year. They lasted a total of three days from when I opened the first box to when I threw the empty second box away.

Three days.

Two boxes in three days.

And now I feel awful. Not just the upset stomach from too many sweets. There's also the mental berating of myself for eating them all so fast.

Oh, and all the sugar aggravates my arthritis so my joints feel painful. And it inflames the knot in my shoulders. So I'm just feeling peachy right now.

And that's why I penned the above in my journal.

And I shared it here as a reminder to my future self. And maybe, hopefully, to let others know they are not alone. 

The journey after losing 100 pounds is not easy.

But I'm worth it. And I'm NOT going back again.

Fourth Anniversary

And so began my new journey back in 2013. And it continues today. Some might think the hard part is over since I took off 100 pounds and am now at a healthy weight, but every day is a chance to choose: do I continue on this new path, new way of living, or do I revert to old habits, long ingrained in me?
Maybe when this new me has been around as long as, or longer than, the old me the wiring will be more permanent and it will be easier.
For today, there are still struggles. I still struggle with not overeating when there are sweets around, especially at family gatherings. I forget that sugar is my Kryptonite. I can't stop at just one. I keep going until I feel awful.
I still struggle with the old mindset that I have to enjoy "it" now because "it" might not be here later (someone else will eat the last ___ that I want/is my piece).
I struggle with putting my yoga or weight lifting time as a priority in my day (taking care of me time). I know I'll feel better when I do.
I still struggle to love my body completely, imperfections and all. I've worked hard to become not just leaner, but stronger; however, there are still jiggly bits. While I may have to accept that these are repercussions of having been (almost morbidly) obese for so long that my skin over stretched and I've lost the skin elasticity of a younger person, I'm not going to stop trying to become the best version of myself that I can.
It's not just a New Year's resolution, but an every day resolution: love myself just as I am. And, do the best that I can to care for me, making myself a priority in my life.

Paradox

I'm tired. I could use a bit more sleep. But I want to go do things, fun things.

I'm hungry and should have some breakfast. But I don't want to eat.

Yoga felt so good this morning. But I'm so tight and inflexible.

I'm a mess. I'm amazing.

I know what I need. I don't know what I need.

The scale says I'm up 5 pounds more than I want. My pants (actual fitted pants, not leggings or stretchy pants) are tighter in the waist than I'd like. I don't like the way my belly look. I love my shape when I'm in my workout wear.

I just need to get thoughts out and maybe I'll figure out what's at the heart of things. 

My friend died yesterday. I was teary off and on at work yesterday. So glad I work in a Christian school where I can openly talk with my students and coworkers about the hope of the resurrection and my gratitude that my friend is with Jesus and no longer in pain.

I got teary again during yoga just now. But I think it was tears of tiredness. I'm worn out, mentally. My sweet little 10 are exhausting. My friend died. I'm working so much. I'm trying to eat healthy, homemade meals. I'm trying to get enough sleep. I'm trying to move enough. I'm trying to do yoga for better flexibility. I'm trying, I'm trying, I'm trying.... I'm exhausted.

I'm exhausted and just going through the motions sometimes. I know I'm not alone. I just talked with a friend last night who is also exhausted from everything. Sometimes I feel afraid that I've lost sight of what I love and I'm just trying to survive. I don't want to live like that. I don't want another year like that. I don't want another month like that. I don't want another day like that or even another hour. I want more.

(Cue Little Mermaid.... I want mooooore!)

I need to eat and I need a little morning nap.
Oh, and I need to make a grocery list and put in a load of towels to wash. ....ugh. I know I'll survive. I'll find the juicy life again. I'll see the light in the darkness. I'll see hope. I'll feel joy. I'm going to start with breakfast and a nap while towels are in the wash. I got this. God's got me. Lets go do this!

Constant

A few weeks ago I was getting ready to read my evening devotion at bed time to wind down my day. Sometimes it feels like just going through the motions, which feels like living the same day over and over again. Monotonous.

And the devotion spoke to just that feeling. As you may recall from other blog posts, I am reading the "Jesus Calling" devotional by Sarah Young right now. When I really focus on the words and do more than just go through the motions of "reading my devotion for the day", the words always speak to me. While I was just going through the motions at the start, the power of The Word came through and really connected my brain and my heart.

Just like the devotion said, "this monotony can dull your thinking until your mind slips into neutral." (I was so there!) But then it also went on to say "the best remedy is to refocus your mind and heart on Me, your constant Companion."

For those who don't know me in real life, let me tell you - I LOVE MUSIC! I love singing. I love playing my guitar. I love listening to the radio. I love going to Christian concerts. Music is the language of my heart. (Attn: perspective suitors, if you can sing you'll have an edge of "the other guys". Make it Christian songs, you'll be top dog!)

I digress.... Anyways, music is the language of my heart. And when I read those last two words "constant Companion" it immediately put in my mind (ear worm!) a song my Francesca Battistelli called "Constant".

I so needed those words to remind me that God is my constant Companion, always by my side, even when I feel like He's far away. He's not. He didn't go anywhere, I just stopped being focused on Him and I need to redirect my gaze.

That seems to keep happening to me a lot lately. I've been far from God; He hasn't been far from me. My devotional and prayer life has been just going through the motions. My church attendance has been... well... absent for months. I don't want to just go through the motions anymore. I want to reconnect to this vital relationship.

I have started putting boundaries around my devotional and worship time to protect it for the sacred thing that it is. At 9 pm, Sunday through Thursday I start getting ready for bed and spend time reading my devotion and praying (on Friday and Saturday I still do my devotion, but it might be a little later). At 6 am, Monday through Friday, I get up and read my morning email devotion and follow it with yoga. I'm setting aside time to be intentional about my health. And to be totally honest, some days it's really hard. Last week there were a few mornings where 30 minutes extra in bed sounded really, really good, but I've made a commitment to myself and I didn't want to let myself down. I'm working on establishing a new habit and I don't want to make excuses. I'm worth it.

He's worth it, too. He's my constant Companion.

Francesca Battistelli - Listen To "Constant" here